rhythmic

i have a new goal for the end of the year. :) i'm really excited about it, and it was actually inspired by my visit to the nuyorican on friday with the brazilian. gotta love it :) it's going to be good, and i'm starting today...love it!

home is soon! gotta pack. one day, time of your song, for you, and repeat. i think i love it a lot and it's gonna help me get through packing tonight.

that's all for now folks...get excited! new york is bringing out all types of culture for me. i wonder if this exists in orange county...hmm...probably not. :)

through the branches

though i have asked mary multiple times, and she has repeatedly explained the answer to me that same number of times, i still struggle with it. here goes: why is it that though it is sunny....it is FREEZING outside? i don't get it!! haha that has been quite the struggle, and the fact is that indeed, this is possible. instead of busting out my rainbows like i'm used to doing when the sun is shining, instead, i'm wearing my uggs. there is something so wrong here! especially with the fact that i am bundled up with my little coat, scarf, arm warmers, and gloves. excellent.

much has happened since the last time i actually had time to sit down and blog...all has been so good, and very much grace-filled. i am continually fed, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, and in every possible way, with my mission here in new york. the struggles end up becoming filled with grace, and the moments of grace are inexplainably wonderful.

i go home in less than a week, and it is crazy to see how fast time flies. crazy to realize that in less than a week, i will be on a plane, not headed to new york, but indeed headed back home to orange county, to see my family, sugar, spice, snoopy, and all my friends. i absolutely LOVE it! all i know is that me, jess, and ry are super excited to go back home to orange county, lounge on our couches at home, and eat all the in-n-out that we want. it will definitely be a breath of fresh air, and yet i feel like vacation always comes at a good time. it is interesting to think of, however, where i will be a year from today. where will i be? sure i have an idea, but at the end of the day, the God of surprises has yet to make that known to me, and watch me move in my life too.

it has been quite the past few weeks, where i had the experience of going to a a show where an opera singer sang motown songs, sitting through voidwell with JD, going to a matisyahu concert, walking around strand bookstore looking at interesting photobooks, dancing for 3 hours straight and loving every bit of it (let loose!), visiting kco's apartment finally, cookies with JD, endless nights and spontaneous dropins at amy's to see ryan, discovery at grand central, hangin out with jackie in the city, seeing Jesus in places i never thought possible, putting together my first artificial christmas tree, playing keyboard in my room until all hours of the night, jumping up out of bed and busting into a dance, and loving time spent with m&m...it has all been good.

i can see it now. when i get to church, people will ask me, as they have already been asking my mom, "how is crystal?" and my mom always gives the same answer i feel, " she's great! she loves it. " haha, it will be interesting and quite curious to see what responses i get back from everyone, but handling those questions in the two seconds that people may mildly be interested for, may be quite the task. i will just rope them in...maybe tell them a few stories or so in 2 minutes. i'll see if i can do it. :)

saying something as simple as, " it has been amazing and wonderful ! " does not nearly capture the experience in the tiniest bit, but i pray that God may give me the vocabulary that i need to do my best when talking to the curious. haha :) oh my life...it is good.

listen to my heart...that's what i gotta do...trust in the Lord, he is good. i believe it.

looking forward to spiritual direction tonight, and dancing. FOR SURE. :)

examen of the week

so the last i wrote, we were on our way back to the city from new york. that night, we had my sister's last dinner here in new york, before she got on a plane to move to hawaii! that's right, the sister moved to hawaii on saturday afternoon. off to her place in brooklyn we went at 8am, me, her friend janet, my best friend ryan (also, her roommate for the past 4 months), and her doggy alecs. we rented a car, took a trip to the aeropuerto, and off she went. crazy how that is, that she has made that leap of faith, but how beautiful it is at the same time. to be able to go where you feel you should be, while it is risky, maybe scary, there is the peace that comes with it too. it is like a deep stirring within, and if anything, i think it is wonderful that she has decided to make the move to go where she feels she should be. :)

now, that leaves one catalan in new york. now, while that is quite unfortunate, as i was processing it with my spiritual director on tuesday, it is also as if she really helped in my transition here to new york. we were able to spend some time together, and what a gift that is, that we made it tradition to meet up with each other at least once a week. while that seems like nothing, especially for sisters, with our busy schedules, it was what we were able to manage, and we did a great job doing it! so the rest of saturday was somewhat of a lull, and i got started on my christmas cards. love it!

sunday was a very church filled day. sang at the 930 mass with beautiful music...gotta love the beginning of advent!! yay! then headed over to meet up for lunch with mary and michelle, then attended filipino mass at pompeii, then called 911 for an emergency...someone passed out :(...homie was brought to the hospital, but he seems to be ok now. then headed over to meet mary and michelle at mass with some GSV ladies and then we got dollar pizza. so classy. i love it! so it was a beautiful faith-filled day. one of the best things of that day was that i saw people lugging around their suitcases...it is definitely travelling season...and with the crazy subway stations (all the stairs and ups and downs), i saw many people giving people a hand and offering their help. it was just lovely! and they say new yorkers are mean, angry people. shoot. haha, welp!

monday was wonderful! i have been in contact with a carmelite who is in charge of the carmelite NGO out here in new york with the united nations, and we got to have a meeting with her at her office...find out more about the work they are doing, and specifically on human trafficking and climate change (relating to the millennium goals). she gave us different things to read, and a lot of wisdom...it was wonderful to have conversation about these social problems and try to dive into them a little bit more...sure there is a ministry of being with those who are suffering, and who are facing injustices, but i also see the importance of getting to the root of the problem, and seeing how i can play my part in stopping it from continuing...the prevention. it's so important. oh, it was so great! even though it was raining...to be able to see that she attends all of these conferences that i have researched in college...it was just remarkable. such a blessing!

tuesday, we had our sophomore retreat, and i loved it. we had it yesterday too...the skits were awesome, and we talked about relationships - not just romantic relationships, but relationships in general...it was great to share some of my experiences, not necessarily acknowledging them as my own, but being able to provide them with wisdom...if i can call it that! :)...from what i know. there's a level of maturity that has to go in it, of course, and it was just wonderful to have discussion about these real life issues that these ladies are facing. i learned lots, that's for sure. i think in a great, beautiful way, they also put me at ease in a lot of ways.


tuesday night, me, michelle, and mary saw the blind side, and it was so great! so inspiring...beautiful story! wednesday, me and michelle hung out at the girls' basketball game...we won!! woohooo! it's crazy how into it i get, but it was just so awesome to watch the girls do their thing on the court! they are great! AND they won. :) haha did i already say that? so proud of them! and then we went to novena/mass at pompeii...sure enough, the bishop of samar, and a couple of other priests from jersey were in town, and so we had some delicious food. thank you for feeding us :) haha.

it's been such a whirlwind of things happening after one another, but in such a good way. yes, i'm busy, but busy for me is good. i still get time to process at the end of my day, and i think that that is really important. my 19th annotation is awesome, and while challenging, it is something that is truly helping me live out my "spiritual component" in full mode. :)

i go home sooonnnn and i am looking forward to it, that's for sure!! the sun is out today. be happy for me and new yorkers. :)

i will leave you with this (thank you to Gina and Sr. Grace!)
To the true servant of God, every place is the right place and every time is the right time. - St. Catherine of Siena

completely thankful

we are now on our way back to new york, and after our lovely time of celebrating thanksgiving with sr. grace, and sr. mary lou, michelle, mary and i were stuffed with turkey, stuffing, lots and lots of delicious desserts, yummy bread, and probably the best sweet potato dish that i had! oh soo good! there were lots and lots of marshmallows on it, and they were crunch on the top after they were cooked in the oven. oh so tasty!

it was wonderful to sleep for 12 hours every day we were there, and it was very much needed. it was awesome to have a beautiful thanksgiving celebration - intimate, not loud, very family-like, and have a inspiring prayer service that sr. christine marie prepared on gratefulness.

one of the highlights is that i am reading the return of the prodigal son by henri nouwen, and i found that as i was sharing that with sr. grace, she actually leads workshops on that book, and she told me that she had some prints of the actual painting which is also on the cover of the book...5 minutes later, she came down with one for me, mary and michelle! i LOVED it!! so excited to have one! so that will be added to my collection of inspiration. :) anyway, the book is amazing, and it is already changing the way that i view things - particularly on trust and gratitude. how important gratitude is, no matter what is going on...it is so important! :) oh soo good!

robin, a cabrini lay missionary, just picked up me, mary and michelle, took us to a yummy nifty fifty diner, and now we are on the megabus, going back to new york. the sister moves tomorrow, so we are going to go out tonight, and then i will go with her to drop her off at the airport tomorrow! crazy...how time moves. for real.

it has just been such a good thanksgiving celebration - really and truly. my heart has been moved while reflecting on the past few months, but especially just in every moment, i wish you could experience the great feelings i feel - any given time, they are, awe, inspiration, wonder, desire, gratefulness...just really good tihngs. of course, it is challenging, and missing family and familiarity is a common feeling, but at the same time, i know that where i am at, i am meant to be there. i know that how i feel, is natural, and it's me, and it makes sense.

i am so thankful for where i have been, and for everyone who has led me to where i am now. every day has been a blessing, and i pray that i may continue to see this beauty all around me. even in the hard times, they are moments for growth, and moments for renewal. every day is a new day, and it is good. life.is.good.

lean on me

...after waiting about an hour and a half, mary, michelle and i finally got on our megabus trek...and we are on our way to philly! woohoo! yup, goin' out to see sr. grace and sr. mary lou...we love it! :)

coming back from new jersey this past weekend, only to repack and get ready for a thanksgiving holiday in philly. gotta love the travelling! tonight was stressful, not gonna lie. it was a situation where people were shoving, people were annoyed, and while we were trying to exert the strongest bits of patience, at the same time, it was quite unfortunate when there was no real system of how things were to run. and THAT was unfortunate and frustrating.

yesterday i had my meeting with my spiritual director, and it was wonderful! i told her about my past week's experience with the exercises, and i told her some of the revelations i had...a revelation, a vision, just good moments. moments where i felt very close to the Spirit...such beautiful and blessed graces to receive, and so thankful to have received them. that's for sure. and...drum roll please...i started my 19th annotation yesterday! i got my first scripture passages and exercises, and learned the first week's theme...sin in the world. yeah, not so much warm and fuzzy anymore, but what better time, than now...right when it's advent, to prepare the way? so excited! yay!

my mom sent us zucchini bread and crabs and empanadas. i love receiving packages! yay! :) happy thanksgiving everyone! there is much to be thankful for!! :) more updates to come.

life is good. smile lots, and love big.

sunshine, sunshine!

...and i'm back! mary, michelle and i went to wickatunk, new jersey, with the good shepherd volunteers for a retreat on Community. we did our Orienatation Retreat with the GSV kids, and so it was wonderful to be together with them again on our Community Retreat! The LA girls even got to come out, and that was awesome! except for the fact that i snore, like, bad, like, uncontrollably...mwahahaha! well, i got good sleep :)

something great that i learned one retreat was really taking into account, "reverencing the individual." what does it really mean to look at and cherish each person as God sees them? yeah, of course, it is difficult to do that, especially when someone has done wrong onto me, or if they have done something wrong to someone that i care about, but really reverencing and respecting the individual and their choices. AND their choices!

something that was very much reinforced pretty much in every community is that every person has different needs. what does that really mean? some people need more alone time than others, some people need to get away at times (ex. me - i get bored really easily, so i always need to be doing something!), and etc. the different needs vary, but it is important to reverence that and hold that person still with respect and seek understanding in those situations. having open communication is key. if as a community, we can not be honest about things, that is where difficulty and strife may come in. that is when conflicts may arise.

it is such a blessing to be able to talk with michelle and mary about anything, like, ANYTHING. and THAT is a great, great thing! i would not want it any other way :) woohooo! so it was a success. and we had a wonderful presence of the Spirit, especially with the saturday night prayer service that we got to lead! woohoo! oh such good things come when we take the opportunity to affirm one another!

soo...yeah, it is a grey day today, and it looks like it will be raining soon. the sister is coming to dinner tonight, as she will be leaving on saturday for hawaii!! she's moving to hawaii!!! how crazy is that? oh, but God is good and got her a job out there. so that is wonderful! i watched "the santa clause" today at the convent and ate m&ms, while spending some time on the couch. it was so great to just chill for a little bit...haha like, a good hour. it was very much needed. :)

sisters are so lovely! yay! oh Lord, you are so good to me!

one month from yesterday...i'll be home! woot woot! :) get excited!! YAY!

thank you st. ignatius!

oh i am so excited! so i have entered into my 6th week of the preparation for the 19th Annotation...and sure enough...this is my last week! which means...i start the 19th Annotation on Tuesday! I am so excited! Woohoo! I met with my Spiritual Director yesterday and I find that after leaving each of our sessions/meetings, I come out with so much wisdom, but with the feeling of, wow! that was so good! We meet at her place in Chelsea and it is such a blessing every time. Her dogs pretty much know me by now, though they still bark at times.

We discuss the scriptures and reflections, and she explains to me some of the things I had trouble with, such as, reading the story of abraham sacrificing his son, isaac...i had some trouble with that one, and so i just skipped it altogether and of course after i sought her explanation and how to understand it better, i just fell in love with it. like, really so. so it's just so good! what a blessing!

mary and i went to theology on tap on monday and as we were walking back, she just said the simplest words, "life is great." and i joined in on that and shared in that celebration, because it is something to celebrate! knowing that i am called to be here, and knowing that every day i have all i need to live, love, and be challenged everyday, it is such a blessing. i think a lot of the beauty that i have been find in my life so far in me being here in new york, is that i am aware of God's presence. that is something that i am growing to understand more and more everyday. it's not so much just a, yeah, God is here and all around kinda feeling (though that is very much the case). By the same token, it is also allowing and being open to God in filling the space around me everywhere i go. it is a blessing and such a gift to know that i never have to do anything on my own! such freedom, liberation, and also, such responsbility.

we had our junior retreat yesterday and discussed discernment between choosing yes or no to premarital sex. with discernment being choosing between two goods (to become a sister or choosing to marry - yes, that is a very important thing to discern, as those are two very good things), it seems that the decision of choosing yes or no to premarital sex may not necessarily be so much discernment, but possibly just a God-given, don't do it. haha! of course, sure, depends who you ask, and depends on past experiences as well, but looking at the bigger picture, and looking at the charts that we compiled with the students, the decision seemed to read pretty loud and clear...your body is a temple, don't do it! :)

the metaphors were interesting - the sticky stuff, the tape, the apple bites...haha way too many, but it was all good stuff. not to mention i watched a walk to remember two times within a week such a great movie!

the sun is shining, but it's cold outside! how does THAT happen. AND it's not even winter yet, AND it's cold. oh my. eeps!

AND a quote that i heard two times within two days is...
"Be who you are and you will set the world on fire!" - St. Catherine of Siena
( a message directly from God? My Spiritual Director said, most definitely. I thought so too. :) Just those words..YOU WILL set the world on fire. How awesome is that?! We are all called to do that, no matter what situation we are in...if we are sitting in our office, be positive - make change there. if we are teaching in a classrom, be who you are and speak words of wisdom to the children! Oh there is so much change we can individually do! Woohoo!)

sometimes words don't do justice.

on the subway this afternoon, i noticed a guy get up so that a little girl could sit. i thought that was really nice and sweet. i got really sad cause i saw the little girl's face had some burn marks on her left cheek, the size of my palm. so then i smiled at the man, just to acknowledge the fact that i saw that random act of kindness, and of course, nothing happened. our stop came, and as i was leaving, i looked at him, and he said to me, "do good." i smiled back and went on my merry way.

how awesome is that?! i thought it was pretty cool...there ARE great people in this world! however, the other night i witness this man tormenting this younger guy, and straight up saying horrible things to him...AND he wouldn't stop, and THEN he tried to get other people on the subway involved. yeah...bad move buddy. the poor guy went on his merry way, stopped talking back, and tried to take a detour to transfer onto another train. well, what ended up happening, is we all ended up on the same transfer, and what did i witness? i saw the guy who was doing the making fun of, offer his seat to an elderly woman. it was quite the two-sided coin situation. after i saw that happen, i thought to myself, why did i witness that both? it was like good vs. evil kinda...that really stuck with me for that day, and clearly till now. :)

this past weekend we went to philly and attended an enneagram workshop with sr. barbara leonardo. i learned that i'm an 8, i learned that mary is a 5, and michelle is a 2/3 - debateable. :) BUT for our purposes, we will say she is a 2. needless to say, i guess one of the explanations to assist in the "you three get along so well!" conversation, is that the 2,5, and 8, are all complementary to one another. how awesome is that?! as an 8, i am described as being assertive. let's just say that out of the 20 questions that i took, to help me decide if i am an 8 or not, i answered 18 out of the 20, which applied YES for me. haha sooo i'm a strong 8, but a healthy 2. read up on enneagrams, and you will get a better idea of what that really means...BUT, i just love that the three of us are so into it! it's so wonderful! AND great to help in terms of praying for myself too. it's always nice to be able to evaluate my character and see how i am doing in life.

on that note, cabrini college. that's where we stayed last weekend. wow, how cute our humble abode was! we stayed with sister christine and the little house is SO cute. she was our snow white, and me, michelle, and mary, and mary's sister (sarah, who came to visit) were clearly the dwarves. it was such a good time - it's so funny because every weekend, it seems that i am barely in new york, and if i am, the agenda has already been made. haha...disponibilita at its finest! if it's all things that i truly, truly enjoy, i don't see a problem..therefore, no problem here :)

AND! we got to tape a radio show..it was such a great moment that we got to share with one another in terms of discussing things from our own perspectives. some of the questions we answered were, " why did you choose to do cabrini mission corps ? " " what's it like living with the sisters in a convent?" "what advice would you give to young people debating whether or not they would like to do volunteer work?" - it was beautiful to hear each of mary and michelle's responses, and it was AWESOME to hear us say the same phrase to answer the question on what advice would we give to other young people..."listen to your heart." please tell me how that is possible that we all said the same thing?!

haha, all i have to say with that, is, that is just such confirmation as to why the three of us have been called to mission, with mother cabrini. when we attended mass at cabrini college, i can not even tell you how great it was to be surrounded by other college students attending mass. dr. george gave a reflection on mother cabrini and connected it to the gospel. when she was speaking and talking about the courage and boldness of mother cabrini, i could not help but keep fidgeting in my chair, because i was so excited and so on fire to do the work that mother cabrini did. what an inspiring woman! she went for it...even when people slammed doors in her face, even when they said, NO, go back to italy, there's nothing here for you in new york, she stayed, she persevered, and boom, look at all of the missions she has set up! it is quite remarkable. no doubt in my mind that i have been called to the charism of mother cabrini, and out of all the people, i picture a whole pool of thousands and thousands of young people, and i see her sifting through the individuals, and boop! she picked me, michelle and mary for this year, and soon another missioner, alice. it's just so very special, and something that i hold dear to my heart.

i was talking with my friend jess about this the other night when we visited our friend ryan at work, and i could not help but just talk about how much i love my life, and how much i love where everything is in my life. no, not everything is perfect, but i can not help but see the grace, the beauty, the love that i am surrounded in every day. i would not want it any other way right now, and God bless everything that has led me here. she saws the joy that was on my face, and i think she felt my heart too. it was genuinely happy. amen!

i had my meeting with my spiritual director today, and after 7 kleenex, i was done, done done...i had no idea that i had such an emotional experience with my past week of spiritual exercises - the scriptures were great! - but apparently i did. i remember in the moments of my prayer, i felt very moved, but as i was processing the week of prayer with my spiritual director, and as i talked to her more about the feelings that i had, and the sights that i saw when i vividly recalled the scripture readings as they played out in my mind and imagination, i could not help but start crying. such a blessing, and such a flow of emotion came over me...the story of Jesus curing the crippled woman, the prodigal son...the Spirit giving me the words...becoming a new creation...there is just so much in these scriptures, and for the first time, truly, these scriptures are coming to life, and these scriptures are allowing me to just be - "just be" with God...oh, so goood! there aren't even words! how wonderful that is!

tomorrow is mother cabrini's feast day, and it will be a party all around! i am excited to go to mass with the sisters, have lunch with them, then dinner at our place to continue the celebration! tita aida, our cook, is making filipino food to celebrate! my mom sent me empanada too, so i think i will break that open so that we can all share it. yay! :) woohoo!

my eyes are tired from such a wholesome, wonderful day. even though i felt sick as soon as i woke up this morning, God provided, and it was good. oh, so good. :) YAY!

sister barbara said..."just pray."

do i have energy to do this? of course! i dooo! sooo here goes! :)

while this is a great processing tool, it is also one that takes time. but, of course, processing takes time. :) AND it is worthy of time! oh processing, discernment, openness, loving, and grace - those few things (few but powerful), my friends, have been the themes that have been top of mind for me for the past week, especially. let's break it down, shall we?

processing - everyday is a gift that God has granted me. going through the ignatian spiritual exercises, i have been reading through the principle foundation of ignatius...i really resonated with the feelings of thanking God and giving praise to Him every morning when i wake up, for a new day, and thanking God at night for the opportunity to have been gifted with a full day. a lot of the times, the mornings can determine how my day will be played out, and usually, i like to start off by listening to music, and it is pretty much down to a routine, but waking up in the morning is not a promise, and it is a gift, and what a joy it is to discover what will comprise the day to come! when i am at dinner with the sisters and my sistas (the missioners!) it gives me a chance to slow down and process what happened in my day, especially when it is followed by night time prayer in the chapel with the community. it gives me that chance to sit, breathe in, breathe out, and think about how the day went for me, it helps me to slow down. i just learned some techniques on centering, and i'm really excited to try them out, and see what works and doesn't work for me. this is where awareness of myself is really important!

discernment and openness - the d word. wow. yeah, i don't think i can even capture my thoughts in a brief paragraph with simple or even complex sentences, but i can only say that this whole experience is one big discernment time. i think each week presents a different type of discernment... of course, the bigger questions in life that i concentrate on are always over-arching, but i think what i have found is that discernment is that much easier when i am at a good place with myself and i am at a good place in my relationship with God (as i feel in my heart.) Of course i am always trying day by day to draw closer to Him and see where that experience takes me, but discernment to me, means openness. To be open to the Spirit moving in my life, and within my heart, and truly allowing God to be apparent and followed in my life. it is such a blessing to come in direct contact with the Spirit, knowing, that it is God moving. that sounds kinda weird, but i suppose it is because my lack of extensive vocabulary and the inability to even express and describe the feelings that i have, sometimes with regard to the way I feel God, does not even exist. however - point is, God is real, and it is so good! :) when mary and i were talking with sister barbara and vocation and choice and normalcy and doing what is not so mainstream, such as being a sister...she said her advice was, to pray. i interpret that to mean, to just pray, and see where that leads, because God answers prayers ( yes, not right now, or i have something better for you!) , and it all leads somewhere. :)

where is God taking me? well, i can just be who i am now, keep doing what i'm doing, and i will be led to that place. no need to worry about what comes next, no need to worry about what comes next week, in a couple of months or even in june. God is here, and i truly believe that He stands right at my side guiding me...even though sometimes it is even hard to imagine!

loving and grace - i love my life right now. i do. i love that i don't feel like i am working, and i feel like i am enjoying the days of ministry - in the campus ministry office and in my classroom when i'm teaching health. i love the students, i love working with the sisters, and i especially love who i live with, i love the sisters at the convent in the lower east side, and i love cabrini. HAHA - yeah, it's a good life. many gifts of grace have fallen into my lap and on my head and i feel so blessed to have this opportunity..i remember when i first started the process of cabrini mission corps and even before that, when i was realizing that where i was was not where God wanted me to be for a while - rather it was like, a mere stopping point, and an essential one, before i began this...but i remember praying, a lot - miraculous medal, novenas to mother frances cabrini, and some intense prayer...prayer really works. it allowed my heart to be open to the possibilities - if in fact i was called to go, please send me, if not, i know there is a different direction that i am to be led to, but one thing was for certain: i did not belong where i was anymore...it was time to move on because my heart was not there...staying open to the next thing, it led me here to new york. it was grace, and since then, there have been countless graces of confirmation of yes, this is why you are here crystal, and yes, God, this is why i am here. it is so enriching, and i feel like each day presents such gifts to me...whether it be in conversations with my sistas - mish and mary, or conversations with the sisters about their vocations, or even just about what to pick up from the grocery, these moments are priceless.

oh! and last night, i got to go to a church in greenwich village with the cook at our convent...she's a little filipina woman and she told me about a parish she goes to...on wednesdays they do the novena to our lady of perpetual help. i decided to go with her yesterday and wow! what a blessing that was! granted there were like 15 of us in attendance, it was absolutely moving and awesome! i felt like i was in the philippines! right after the novena and mass, we went downstairs to the little basement and had sinigang and rice AND lechon! the priest had prepared it for us! it was great!! it was like a little room, and we were watching the baseball game, and i was getting made fun of for my americanized tagalog. sure, i don't have the pilipino accent (haha!) but it was just so good to be around that community!! then, she took me home because sister archangel said i better get home safe. :) haha god love her. and so i did, and i realize, yes, i want to keep coming! and so i will try to! :) and i think i might join the choir there too...it's a filipino choir! why would i say no? so yay! that was wonderful, wonderful!

i wish you could see what i see, and live where i live, and see how i live. i wish you could meet the students and watch me teach. haha, it is so dear to me, AND mother cabrini's feast day is on the 13th of november. i hope you're excited...cause i am!!

we are going to philly tonight after school and will be there for the weekend. and then we are also spending thanksgiving in philly with sister grace and sister mary lou, who is also a professor at cabrini college - she used to be the head of school there. crazy, right? oh, i just love it! :) YAY!

ok, on that note, it is time for me to go. sending you lots and lots of love.
i hope you remember to pray and give thanks when times get tough and even more when the sun is shining down on you. i hope you remember to laugh and love, and i hope you see God today. i know that if you look openly, you are sure to see/find/feel/know it. :)

until next time my dear friends! :)

the trees are not green anymore!

what do i spend my time doing? it's a long day at school, then dinner and prayer, and then more prayer through my ignatian spirituality retreat that i am currently on right now...yup! only about 8 and a half more months to go! and what a blessing it has already been thus far.

i am spending my time receiving graces - those i am aware of and those i am not. i spend my time doing things i love, and i am having fun doing them. no it's not always a blast grading papers, but it is extremely insightful when i get to read my students' reflections on the daily journal topics i give them..."what is your greatest passion in life? How can you use that to serve others and how does it nourish you?" or " what is your favorite song to listen to at any time of the day? Why does it inspire you?" yes folks, welcome to health class. :)

i am finding it extremely important to give my students this time at the beginning of every class, to journal...journal about whatever topic i see moving in my life, and therefore, decide to share with them. i have recently been getting a lot of questions from students as to why i am here, "what, miss? you don't get paid?" ...and then i get a lot of, "you're from california? you were living the life! why would you want to move to new york?" ...and then, there goes the explanation that i am so accustomed to giving, but each time, it is more and more reaffirming to me, as to why i am here - not that i need it, but it is always nice to verbalize the plans that God has had for me so far in this life i am living :)

yesterday was vocations day and it was a meaningful time for me, probably because the words, vocation and discernment have remained top of mind for the past many months...but i got to meet the franciscan sisters of the renewal and i spent some time with the MSCs of course. i wondered what i was like in high school - did i even care about this stuff? did it even make sense to me? so in the class period that i substitiuted for yesterday, we spent time processing the day. what did they like, what didn't they like? what do they think about vocation? the word, "calling" is a very difficult and big word to grasp i think, so it's easier if we can break it down for the students a little bit. it was very informative for me, and it made me think of what the religious life would look like in the years to come...hmm...

everyone has been sick, and that has been unfortunate. the subways are even a little flu-infested, which is not the best situation, especially since i am trying my very best to stay away from all things that are potentially related to getting sick. the change in weather is not helpful, but i try to stay covered from like head to toe with some type of scarf or jacket or garment situation that would protect myself!

my days are filled with grace and peace, and solitude is nice too. be true to who i am, and know what my needs are - it's all very healthy for me, especially with me learning more about myself in my time here in new york. my friend asked me how i like new york so far, and i said..i love it! no pause or anything, i just simply love it! the environment is easy i think. i think it is the internal thoughts and processing of each day that proves some of the challenges in being a missioner. there's a lot of contemplation, a lot of reflection, and a lot of time to do so - well maybe not really, but it is important that i take the time. perhaps the contemplation and reflection is just me, because i tend to self-reflect a lot, but i think it's healthy for who i am as a person, and it's something that i am given time to do - especially on the subways! such valuable time!

the holiday season is just around the corner, and with that comes exciting times. life is good. :) and God is even better!

phil 4:13

The past three days, I had spent my time in malverne, Philadelphia (I don’t even know if that’s necessarily how you spell it!) As Cabrini Mission Corps, we were invited to the annual assembly, held by the missionary sisters of the sacred heart of jesus. Haha yeah, you like the long title? Well, for short, you can call them MSCs, or Cabrini Sisters. That usually gets the point and understanding across!

In a nutshell, my weekend was spirit-filled. Filled with the goodness of the spirit in the talks given by the speakers, in the reflections and discussions, in the one-on-one conversations with the men and women heading up their individual ministries, and most certainly in the unifying under the charism of Mother Cabrini. I can not begin to explain to you how great it was to sit at tables with such experience, and zest, and boldness – through the sisters and through other lay missionaries. These people have fully dedicated their lives to the missions set up by Mother Cabrini and to the mission that Jesus had paved for them. In the spirit of disponbilita, or, going wherever you are needed, just wow. There was so much in that room. It is a spirit of putting yourself last, trusting in the Lord, and relying on God’s strength to get you to where it is He wants you to go. Being guided by Mother Cabrini, the patroness of the immigrants, it is not surprising that many of the sisters receive proper documentation (travelling from country to country) with such remarkably fast turn around times!

Something that was really made apparent to me this weekend, truly, is the boldness and steadfast ways of Mother Cabrini. With any challenges she was faced with, boldly she went, believing and trusting in the ways of the Lord, knowing that while she was faced with resistance, there is a God that was bigger and there was a world full of missions waiting to be embarked upon. And so she went. And a hundred plus years later, these sisters are still at it…in Swaziland, in baguio city, Philippines, in Australia…all over the world. Talk about going wherever you are needed!

Another aspect that I would like to share is with the spirit of discernment. It is a common theme that has been resounding itself in my mind, heart, and soul, for the past months, and of course, this weekend, as I continue to explore the ways that God is working in my life. Discernment is making decisions, rooted in prayer – prayerfully making decisions – inviting God into those decisions, listening to ourselves, listening to our hearts. In essence, while it involves ourselves, it is also a surrendering process to God and His dreams for us. The key is – be ok with not getting clear cut answers when we want them, but trusting in the guidance of the spirit. We learned that with discernment, it’s always a choice between two goods…of course if there is an option that is poignantly bad, that is already thrown out and ruled out. With discernment, it involves deciding between two good things. The importance of reflection and trust in ourselves was really made apparent to me today. What is life-giving to me? Where will that fulfillment come from?

Tonight was especially blessed with the opening liturgy for the 19th annotation of the ignatian spiritual exercises that I began a week ago. Me and mary gathered at my spiritual director’s house, and we shared a mass in her living room, with about 10 other people, also going through the exercises, including their spiritual directors. Wow, such a beautiful mass, and so happy we got to make it back to new york ontime to attend. They pretty much waited for mary and I to get there, and then began the liturgy. It was such a blessing to share that space with great community. To be surrounded by others walking the same journey, with the same purpose of wanting to learn more about our personal relationships with God – community is so precious. It was in that room today, that I felt the Holy Spirit really moving within me. That is where my joy comes, and that is where the hyperness comes from too, I think. I get excited really easily, especially when it comes to talks about spirituality, and hearing about how the Spirit is moving in other people’s lives. It just makes God so real, and it is through people that God really makes himself known to me. oh, so good! I feel so affirmed, and so blessed to be called upon to join in this mission of spreading God’s love to other people. And with everything that is to come, may I be open. God is, indeed, a God of surprises!

My brother, my sister, I pray for you, and you pray for me. yay! Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

it's a great day to be alive! :)

" mom, it's so cold here! it's like freezing!"
" oh, well maybe you should just come home then!"
- HAHA...and there is my mom for you! Gotta love it!

But truly, it is pretty cold - my thumb pads are starting to get dry. i didn't even know that was possible! apparently it's snowing in boston, and my friends are not liking it too much. i don't think i would either. it's only october! i didn't know this was in the plan. at all. haha

the past couple of days have been great - busy, but good. i've started to explore the best times of the day for me to take time to reflect for my ignatian spirituality retreat...journaling has been great, and i just got a francis cabrini candle that i bought at the shrine :) i'm pretty excited about it! yay! oohh and robin gave me a keyboard of hers that i can use to practice for the assembly's mass! yay! i started playing it last night and it was so good. i mean, ok, it's not the same as a piano, and it's quite restrictive since i'll want to play with a couple more octaves, but what i have is wonderful. such a blessing. haha :)

crystal definitely needs to start going to yoga again. it's a must that has to happen. it will definitely be one of my goals that i have for myself.

we had bowling night the other night with the sisters as part of the cabrini fundraiser, and i can not even begin to mention to you how much fun it was! mary kicked butt and she was pretty amazing, AND there was a super cool streak when mary got a strike, then i did, and then mary did again, and then i did again, and then michelle got a strike - it was classic. wonderful! bowling with the sisters is a great time, and i know you're jealous. :) oh so good.

the other night we discovered a place where you get a free personal pizza when you buy a drink. talk about awesome. YEAH that's what it was! it's been quite the week and tonight we are going down to sacred heart to see the sisters from philly (yay!), then busting out a little retreat for the prayer leaders, gonna hang out with some friends later that night, then leaving for philly for the assembly! YAY! it's going to be a good one! i see it coming :)

yipppee! mind/character/heart/soul ...life is good.

i will be...you will be...strength, for the journey

wow, this weekend was beyond words pretty freakin' awesome! :) what a great time, had by all, on so many levels! michelle and the students were so wonderful in throwing me a surprise birthday party on friday afternoon after school...from one of the student's delicious strawberry cheesecake that probably weighed like 15 pounds - covered in like 50 strawberries and the strawberry glaze!...to the chocolate birthday cake made by one of the other students with beautiful writing that said "Happy Birthday Ms. Catalan!" to all of the students that stayed after to join in on the surprise, to the birthday poster that said "Happy Birthday" and included winnie the pooh stickers, to the flowers from one of my students, to the graciousness of EVERYONE...it was just so good! haha i clearly didn't know what to do with myself...i was like walking along the wall. haha, such a surprise! how beautiful it was! yay!

friday night, since it was still the eve of my birthday, i celebrated my friend's birthday which fell on 10/9. she's my friend from san diego, and i was also her sponsor for confirmation, so it was so good to spend time with her and our other san diego friends in new york! and THEN! some of my other best friends arrived - charles, andrew, and lena! they came into town from boston! oh soo good to see them! it was like a mini reunion! we went out for a little bit, and then saturday happened! happy birthday to me!

slept in until 9:30ish, and then went straight to the kitchen! it was time to make pancit! and who joined in on the fun? oh! the amazingness of that which are my sister housemates, michelle, mary, and michelle's friend, matt. yay! it was so good! however...situation in that when i was boiling the noodles in the chicken broth, i realized, shoot, i should probably start adding in some maggi and soy sauce...yeah, project fail. BUT! the redemption came later when we ended up making so many noodles that we realized, hmm we should probably separate this dish into two different pots so that everything gets cooked correctly! woohoo! we were successful in smelling up the whole house with traces of garlic, and sauteeing the chinese sausage, and chopping up the vegetables, and making lots and lots of delicious pancit! woohooo! yay!

then, the party happened! it was wonderfully complete with my college friends, JD, poor ryan couldn't make it, my sis, the GSV kids, and the sisters! yay! oh it was so good...and then they got a tour of our humble abode over here, and then we went out to piano's. the usual. :) yay! oh such a great time. for my first birthday away from home, it was pretty wonderful! such a blessed weekend! oh!! and while we were making pancit, the doorbell rang, and it ended up being a chinese delivery man...my mom ordered our community chinese food for lunch, to celebrate my birthday! :) who would have thought she could be so high tech nowadays. haha love her!

and then sunday happened and i got to spend time with my friends before i dropped them off at their bolt bus. haha i love that we are all teachers, or were teachers at some point! after brunch, we spent a good time sitting in central park, just enjoying each other's company and catching up...i think it was just awesome just being in each other's presence - there wasn't any need to really, really catch up and go on such a deep, deep level, having one-on-one conversations... i think, just because it was just so good to be around people who are already familiar, and who are pretty much like family. it was just such good, quality time...then after i dropped them off, i ventured off to church then saw my sis and ryan in BK. gotta love it. :)

today i met with my spiritual director for the first time, and i am so excited about the ignatian spiritual exercises and my involvement in this experience. it is going to be so wonderful and i am looking forward to the graces that are to come and for what will be made visible to me during this time of prayer and discernment. woohoo! i spontaneously led prayer tonight for some of the sisters, and after an awesome discussion over dinner inspired by one of the sisters here, i read Isaiah 41:10 and played "in this place" and "strength for the journey."

it seems that everyday i am here, i am reminded - even if i wanted or tried to forget, i don't think it would be possible - that God is everywhere, and even when He places us at unexpected places during unexpected times, He is still there, still moving, and still everso present. as i continue to live my mission here in NY, i am given time to also reflect on my everyday here. what am i spending my time doing? who am i spendng my time with? what is God's plan that He has in store here for me? through it all - through the struggles, the questioning, the not hearing answers sometimes, and the joy, and tears, i see that God also has blessed us with companions on our journey, and thank God for that. thank God for the strengths and weaknesses that we each have.

on one of the retreats i went on in college, we always held hands interlocking our fingers, to symbolize that our weaknesses are covered by one another's strengths. thank God that we do not all have the same gifts or talents, and that we have all been given a gift and a strength and weakness that complements our neighbor. we are able to be strength to one another on this journey of life, and we are all joined together by the Spirit that wills it to be as it is. it's such a beautiful blessing, and i think that when i actually give myself some time to think about it, and sit in that idea and that feeling, it all comes together, that truly, God's plan is just so apparent.

i am finding that when we share parts of our lives with one another, and listen to each other's stories about how they ended up being missioned here or there, versus other places, or versus where they thought they would be missioned, in the end, or somewhere along the journey, it all seems to come together, like a beautiful story. like a hand crafted storybook...like, it leaves you with the feeling, this would not happen if God did not exist, and if He was not so present.

i suppose in a way, sometimes looking back, i truly have felt the hand of God just moving me right along. i think that's at least how i see it with me being here in new york. and with that, God is just so good. it's really pretty awesome that we are not perfect, because i feel like if we were, we would be missing out on the many graces and gifts from God - which are so rich!

as our feet become Christ's feet, we go forth with the grace...of the power, and the spirit, that is here, in this place...

to...mark

ahhh mark!! so glad you found me! yeah, i actually had to change my blog name and web address because of an unfortunate situation at a coffee shop with a creeper...ANYWAY...YAY! :) i actually thought of you and was like, ahh mark! how am i gonna tell him about the switch? thanks for being a stalker and finding me. :)

just like a violet on the little boaties.

it all began when i started to do more and more high school visits. using my sales and marketing background, it has been a blessing to be able to use these skills i have sharpened and refined, for a good cause - my high school. i have been pretty much going on multiple school visits every week, accompanied by a current student of course, to market the school, and list x, y, and z reasons of why they should look into applying to our school.

WELL - last night, i ended up going on the high school visit myself because the two students didn't show up. on top of that, there were about 150 students, and i had no student representation. so if you can only imagine me, handing out all these folders and "shadow day" information cards, and handing out pens, and answering questions left and right...that's what i was doing. i was a one-woman show, i did my best, and i think it turned out wonderful actually :) and of course this was in spanish harlem, so naturally, i called a cab and got myself home. PHEW! just in time for prayer with the sisters. and of course, i was in bed by 9:30pm. my life is awesome. :)

today was freshman retreat day! woohoo! this morning, michelle and i hurried off to the subway as we always do, and right when we got off our train, just about to transfer, i realize, AH! my pants are missing! i packed my black slacks in one of the many bags i was holding, since i had another high school fair tonight that i had to attend, and obviously look professional for! and sure enough...they were GONE! so what did i do? i re-traced my steps...all the way back to the convent, and sure enough...didn't find them :(. so they were gone, they had fallen out, and now someone has a pair of my black banana republic slacks. now, while this is quite the unfortunate tale, i'm just hoping it went to someone that really needed them, so therefore...clothing the naked. not bad to start the day with a beatitude. :)

THEN! it was freshman retreat day! woohoo! it was truly amazing - the senior leaders were great and insightful, and you could really see and feel the spirit moving among the freshman. such a blessing. there was a part in our day when we went to the shrine and michelle walked them through the mural - telling the story of mother cabrini's life. in the back, sister toni and sister ada talked more about mother cabrini and talked to us in more detail about the different things on display in the cases. sister had brought a relic with her and so she blessed each of the freshmen with the relic - i got to experience it too! what a blessing. wow...it was so moving and when we got back to the large group, we had each of the students say one word reflecting how the felt about that experience in the chapel, and some of the words were, " wow " / "awesome" / "inspiring" / "motivating" / "ohmygosh" ...great, great things!

mother cabrini is truly amazing and truly, truly, what a blessing it is to have such wonderful students at the school. at the end of they day, they are all sisters, we are all sisters, and i am appreciating more and more learning about each of the girls and learning about their lives - how hard they work, how some of the students work before school and after school only to help pay for some of their tuition because they want to continue attending this school...such hard workers - no, they may or may not be the top in their class and the best in academics, but in terms of education of the heart and soul...these girls are brilliant. :)

and with another high school fair to close the evening, it is time to lesson plan! and by the way, i think it's hilarious how i am making friends with all of the admissions and "office of advancement" reps at each high school in manhattan. haha, just hilarious. now, when i see familiar faces at these fairs, it's like, oh! how are things? it has been so long since i've seen you...like, two days! you look great! haha, god love it.

peace be with you. may the spirit of disponibilitá be with you always :)

if you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere...

On the train home today, I looked around, and saw that I was the only one still sportin’ my work clothes. Yup, that’s right. everyone, I mean EVERYONE was in jeans , and there I was rockin my pin strip pants with my uggs. Haha yup…gotta love it. I just got back from my USD alumni event – it was awesome! I got to see a lot of my friends who live here in new york, and then got to meet some great, wonderful people as well. it was quite the extravagance with drinks, and delicious food, and great, great people. Tonight I realized how fortunate and lucky I am to be an alumni of USD. Go toreros!

So for the past few days I have been all up and out of the school I feel. Randomly I would get pulled out of my day and my schedule, to attend to something to help with recruiting efforts or with chaperoning students to go off campus. I think the difficulty there is that I don’t get to spend as much time ON campus with my students, but instead, I get to spend some long, quality time with a smaller amount of students. I suppose that is the trade off, but still, it is just quite the adjustment to be out and in and all of a sudden realize that oh in 15 minutes you are NOT going to be administering a test to your students, but rather, you will be in a cab with a student on the way to harlem to give a presentation on why those 8th graders should attend our high school. Yup, just like that. it all goes with the spirit of what is needed and where I am needed, and for that, I am all game. Going on these presentations, visiting these classrooms and spending time with the student ambassadors in hearing their academic lives, their school lives, and social lives, I am just continually, continually impressed. These students work hard, they get wonderful, amazing grades, and they have so many responsibilities to balance – not just family, but their own social lives, and of course, their academics. It is quite impressive and great and I am so blessed to be able to hear them speak about their accomplishments in school.

I have been slowly but surely been having brighter days, but my heart is still in sadness for the state and conditions in the Philippines. I just can not believe and am still in shock that the storm has hit marikina as it did. Nothing really ever happens in that area of town, and for something like this to erupt, it is just so absurd to me. I am keeping manila in my prayers as a “super typhoon” is expected to hit on Saturday. Winds in the 100 mphs? I can’t even fathom…but it is what it is.

For the past few days I have been reconnecting with a lot of my friends with who I have felt I have lost touch with for a little bit. Since I got into the swing of things with beginning my school year as a teacher, and starting to get into a routine of things, it is point blank, exhausting. Today when I got home, I definitely spent no time in getting into sweats and my pajamas. It was just that desirable that I worked as fast as I could to get as comfortable as possible!

It is of course only the beginning of fall, and yet I have already felt like this would be my winter in California. YUP…apparently it gets colder, and sister pat read on article on how this may be one of the coldest winters. Awesome. Crystal is NOT looking forward to that, but I am definitely looking forward to listening to Christmas music as soon as the day after thanksgiving begins!

And with that folks, it is time for bed time. There’s no time to waste, because whether I like it or not, the train WILL live with or without me.

Oh yeah, and I do love random, spontaneous visits with ryan and jess. That is awesome. It is great just randomly surprising ryan at his work with jess, and spontaneously getting dinner. It is great that we are finally all within only a few miles of one another. It is great that I also have friends who share a passion for social justice with me, and understand what I am going through. It is a blessing to have my sister here before she embarks on her new journey to Hawaii. It is indescribably amazing to live with beautiful, beautiful sisters and missioners. When I think only about this one month that has passed since I have been here in new york, I just think, wow, this has been such a whirlwind so far, and I know that the best truly is only yet to come.

...nothing is impossible for You.

So for the past hour and a half, I have been sitting in the dunkin donuts/baskin robbins. As part of our attempt to be “regulars” SOMEWHERE…as volunteers/missioners…let’s face it, we gotta budget, and we gotta get the best deals we can…every night we have pretty much been eating ice cream at baskin robbins or mister softee…and sure enough, tonight, jackpot. After a past couple visits of seeing familiar faces, we have finally succeeded, and we are now in the “know” with the managers and fellow employees. Perfect! Just what we needed. HAHA!

So here I am, sitting in the little wooden chair on the little wooden desk, typing away…well for the past hour I was actually working on the study guide for my students who just found out that they have a test on Wednesday. Yeah, go figure, I am working on their chapter review/study guide for health class, here in dunkin donuts. I just finished my snickers ice cream and being the filipino that I am (yeah I said it), I asked for a really big “one scoop” of ice cream. Haha it was delicious! I was typing away on my study guide, and they play bumpin music in here, and we all know how much I love that stuff…surprisingly this has been the most productive I have been! Anyway, I was typing away, and this guy was walking by, like, an older guy and he walked by and saw me dancing in my seat, then definitely walked back to me and was like, wow you’re like typing to the song. What are you doing? Then I told him I was doing a study guide for my students, and he was like, oh! You want ice cream for an extra sugar kick? Haha I said, no thanks – I already had some!

This was probably the best way to end my day…well after school, me, mary and michelle went to mass to celebrate the feast day of the first filipino saint, St. Lorenzo Ruiz. It was a beautiful mass, and it was nice to speak and sing in tagalog again.

Last night I really couldn’t sleep and it was due to actually finding out more about the storm in the Philippines, and knowing that it hit straight on in quezon city and severely hitting marikina and all parts of metro manila, it was really sad and saddened my heart. I just pictured my family and all the families who live in my grandparent’s apartment complex. Then I thought about my godson and his brothers and sisters and his parents. And then I heard that the first floor of my grandparent’s home was completely flooded on the first floor – so much that the water was up to his neck and so he was able to get to the second floor…once all the water was drained, pretty much everything is demolished and ruined on the first floor of the house…it’s really hard to picture this because, this home is like our family’s home. My grandparents slept on the first floor of the house because they couldn’t get up the stairs that well…their bed was there, the living room, kitchen, everything…and that’s even where we had my grandma’s wake a year and a half ago when she passed away…there are just a lot of memories there – not to mention, that is where my mom and my aunts and uncles all grew up. So much goodness in there, and very old, vintage photos hung on the walls.

I can not even imagine or fathom what it looks like over there in the Philippines, but the images I am picturing really make me just want to cry. I read an article and it said that 80% of metro manila was flooded and under water for quite some time…in 6 hours, the 16 inches of rain that normally falls throughout September, fell in that mere amount of time. Wow.

Then I think about the water and all the disease…the Philippines is not a clean place, and with water all up everywhere, and disease so rampant, wow, this is just so terrible. It is like hurricane katrina, but in a third world country. Natural disasters – this time, there is no one to blame. How easy it is to point fingers in other situations…but who knows, maybe the media or the public will start blaming the government on their maintenance or lack of, with the reservoir and pipe systems. Oh communication major, and study of the media coverage that has shaped my mind to think the way it does about anything it does – reads or sees or watches from afar. I blame and thank my major and my education and experience for my criticalness. It does come in handy though, very much so. It’s important to look at both sides of the coin!

My family is safe, even though my aunt had fall pretty badly in her home due to the flooding.

It is crazy to me that I was just in the Philippines about 5 months ago…the images are just so fresh in my mind. The children are always fresh in my mind, and I am just very heartbroken about it. Dear God, please heal the Philippines.

I feel like I am back in that place where I felt very alone in my desire to do all that I can do to serve my family, friends, brothers, and sisters in the Philippines. It is a helpless type of feeling, but I know it is not hopeless. I know God is still there, and I know he is still very much moving, but I think the difficult part is that I am physically not there, and I do not even know what the conditions are like – but I can truly only imagine. My only vision of flooding in the Philippines is when I went when I was 12 years old, and I remember paying 10 pesos to walk across a really really big, bad, flooded puddle, probably 2 feet high. 2 guys helped me walk across a 5 inch panel of wood. I remember it so vividly! We were just leaving the mall and I remember when I got in the car, I put my feet up on the seat because I was scared the water was going to seep through the car.

With these thoughts on my mind, my day was very much blah today. It was full of prayer, and full of contemplation and thought – all very much in the sense that I was sad I was just not there in manila. Granted maybe I really could not have done anything, or even stand the conditions, but there is still that longing in my heart to be there with the people of the Philippines. As a result, I was very much distracted for the majority of the day and I wanted nothing more than to continue receiving updates from my family.

And with those thoughts today continuing from my feelings from late last night upon hearing more word on the conditions, it was then that I realized, my heart is still very much alive, fresh and soft for the people of the Philippines. such a beautiful people, and I really need to grow in my faith and trust, that God is providing the strength and the endurance for the people who are assisting in relief and recovery efforts in manila. I am so small, and I am just one person, but if there is something that I have learned in just my past few months of being a cabrini missioner and reflecting on my journey to get here, I have learned that every prayer is truly heard, and answered…a yes…a not right now…or an, I have something better for you. And THAT is wisdom that I received from my good friend veronica. I can not limit God’s potential or put Him in a box, because my human understanding is nowhere close to God’s amazingness and vast LOVE for us – all of us.

And with that, I think I might just sleep a little better tonight.

I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
…Jesus, You’re all I need

god is hope, god is light...

It has been quite the while since the last update and wow, so much has happened…each day is very, so very busy, but not so much overwhelming. I think it’s the commute that is the killer every day. Excuse me, not killer, but the struggle if you will. It’s not the number of students that I have, or the number of classes I teach each day…I only have about 42 students total and then I only teach two sections per day, if that. the schedule is a little difficult to explain, so I will leave that up for your own curiosity to ponder. It’s the getting out of bed part that is the hardest part of the morning, but once I turn on my lights and jump out of bed (literally), then I am awake. Like, awake, ready to get goin on the day! Then of course it is the getting on the train back home, after a full day of school, when the tiredness catches up with me and I am once again exhausted, only to get in time for dinner and prayer. Come 7:30pm, the day is over, only to begin lesson planning once again, or catch up on phone calls, or emails, or anything else that requires attention that I otherwise put off until this time. Story of my life!

This past week has given me time. What I mean by that, is that I would recall countless moments this past week where I would be sitting in my chair, and realize, crystal, you are sitting in your chair, and you were just thinking, but you had silence – no music, no nothing…then when I realize that I just had that realization, I would be like, ok, wait, what was I thinking about? And sure enough, I don’t think I was necessarily thinking about anything…but, do you get it? I was giving myself some time to just be and sit in my chair and give myself a moment – GIVE MYSELF A MOMENT! I didn’t even have any idea, but I think my mind and body is smarter than I am, and it knows what it needs, so it took it! That pretty much never happens, cause well, if you know me, I am always on the go and looking for the next thing to do!

One of my weaknesses, or maybe strengths in need of improvement if you will, is that I am always too involved with things. It is something that I have had going on since junior high school, and people always tell me that I need to slow down, or I need to stop joining organization after organization, and it’s definitely a place of looking more inward towards, but the fact is, is that I don’t really think I will slow down with this stuff. I love everything that I do, and I do my best in everything that I am involved in…so yes, balance is always a situation for me. and I like balance – I think the problem is, is that, as a libra (my sign are scales!) is that while my life is balanced, cause I like that, the weights are heavy on both sides. Haha…soo as long as I don’t tip, I think I’m fine. I haven’t tipped in a while, and hopefully it remains that way for even a longer while. BUT I am happy that I was able to give myself some time this week and realize that I was doing so. I was so happy. Haha!

Another awesome realization that I had, was on Friday. Michelle and I were walking to mr. softee as we usually do once a week to reward ourselves for a job well done at the high school, and I was thinking, and proceeded to externally process (I was never such a big external processor, but since cabrini mission corps, apparently this has developed!), I said, “you know, I don’t really feel like I’m working. I’m just being, and I am just doing what I love doing.” I think one thing that I love about all the walking that I do, is that it gives me time to think – to contemplate – to meditate…sure I can say the same thing about driving around in california, but there’s something different about walking. I think I see things more up close, and I am able to have more freedom with my thoughts, and therefore, that thought came to mind, and it felt so good to verbalize that.

I realized that really, I am doing what I love. How is that really possible? Truly, I think it is possible because I really followed my heart and where I felt like God was calling me. It was through the art of listening – not only to myself when I would talk about my passions, but also to God, and that inner voice that calls me to the place of my passion and my rich joy. But honestly, I don’t even think I can begin to explain the greatness that is entailed in walking up and down the stairs, and the hallways of the high school, saying hi to the students, and sitting in campus ministry, just watching the girls interact with one another, and talk about boys, talk about their clubs that they are excited about joining, or even their classes that they are struggling in the most.

It is such a joy, and to know that this is my ministry right now, wow, I am just so overjoyed at that. Truly, God has molded me and prepared me for my ministry at the high school right now, and I know that every step I take here in new york continues to be for my future ministry wherever that leads me.

The homily today was talking about “it is in giving, that we receive.” I have already received so much. I can not even begin to explain how well I am being taken care of, how much I am being served each day. Sure I get frustrated teaching sometimes when my class is talking and I’m about to make a really good point about their lesson, but when I am up there teaching, it is such a gift to be able to help shape the mind, heart, and spirit of these girls in teaching health, and that is why I put all of my effort and heart in all that I do, each day. They may not realize it, because to be honest, I don’t think I appreciated my teachers all that much until I take a moment to think about all the time and help my teachers gave to prepare me for the “real world” as I began college. It really is amazing. What a gift!

So my sister is moving to Hawaii and we therefore have committed to hanging out together once a week. It’s such a great time because we never really did that before, and now we do so habitually. We go to mass, wherever the Spirit leads us, and then we go to brunch. It’s great! Today I got to see her little doggy, alecs, and that was fun. Even if his hair is kinda tangled and stuff!

It is a delight to say bye to the subway attendant after leaving the L train as michelle and I begin our trek back home from our long commute from high school. I think the best part about that, is that it signifies, thanks be to God, we survived the subway ride and now just need to walk a few blocks home, and then we are home sweet home. Today when I was on my way home back from my sister’s place, I got to the subway station, of course, just as the doors were closing and ready to leave, and I was like, dang it! BUT, the attendant definitely saw me, stopped the subway and opened its doors for me to enter. I yelled thank you, and it really made me happy. What a nice person! The subway attendants are not given much credit, but really, they do so much. Shoot, without them, no one could get anywhere! AND it is really interesting to listen to their announcements over the intercom. Seriously, when they say things like, get home safely, or have a pleasant evening, that’s so nice of them. I enjoy it at least!

I bought my ticket home for the holidays and looks like I will be going home in about 3 months in time for Christmas and New Years. It seems like such a long time, but I know time will go by fast, and really, I am not too home sick, but when I think about my doggies, my mom, and my family in orange county, then I get a little sad, so I try not to think about it. Oh well, I am doing real well, and thank God for that.

Choir is wonderful and it is great to be blessed with the ministry of music. I have been able to help some of the girls practice their solos, teaching them counting, and helping them aim higher with their voices to reach their higher notes. Even though I’m not amazing by any means in terms of singing, I think my ear is well cultivated to know right from wrong and act as a guidance to know where the voice should be, if it needs to be corrected. So praised God, the choir is great, I get such a big smile on my face when I hear the girls sing, My All in All…it is so precious, and so real – it really is truly beautiful.

And with that, I will begin another week at the high school. With much prayer, with much love and joy in my heart, with the confidence and faith knowing that God has called me there, and with the utmost zeal for my brothers and sisters that I will pass each day this week, I am hoping it will be a great one!

Thank you for the love. I need it, and I hope you receive mine too! Happy Day!

where you at?

Friday. TGIF. HAPPY FRIDAY!!! I woke up this morning at 5:15am in preparation to leave the house ontime to get to school by 7:45am. After all, today was our first choir day!! Yeah, that’s right. michelle and I are moderators for our individual sections in choir. I’m with the altos and it was today that I realized I’m reliving high school…totally. High school and cantor ensemble at USD when I was student director. I got to sit in a room with the other altos and hear them try their best at mimicking the alto line they heard being sung on the tape. None of them can read music, but they have an ear, and a voice, and so along the way, I tried to teach them beats, and how long to hold certain notes for. It was great and wow, it was a wonderful way to start my day off! Happy Friday was RIGHT!

This morning I prepped for my two classes today. We were doing the “emotional cup” activity, but rather, I gave it my own cool title…”How Full Are You?” And once it was time for the questions, I gave it my own title…”WY-A” – Where You At? This was when we talked about the celebrations – the good things that have happened…then the struggles – some of the hardships…then apologies…then compliments…yeah, that’s right. I teach health! Since it was the first week of school, I knew that my students had a bunch of stuff on their plate, so I thought this would be a great way to get a gauge for where they were all at. It was wonderful!

And then afterwards, I gave each of the girls a part of a poem. We were all seated in a circle in the campus ministry side room, so it was a perfect place to gather. I knew that I wanted to end that activity with a prayer or a poem of some sort and I had no idea where to find a good one…then I looked over at a poem that I broke down on a posterboard on my wall in the campus ministry office and realized, oh my gosh! This is PERFECT! (I’ll try to post it later!) but anyway…it ended with… “I have created you in my image and likeness, and woman, you, are, GOOD.” This poem was on display on some other poster, but the original poster was kinda super cheesy, so I made it a little more edgy on my visual portrayal. Haha!

As talkative as my classes both were, the craziest must unreal phenomenon happened…after that last sentence, there was an overwhelming “awwww” and then they clapped!!! And then I told them that they were beautiful and special and hopefully sent them off with goodness in their hearts as they prepared for the weekend! It was so good, and so great…inexplainable, it was very powerful!

It’s funny, cause with my first class, I had those four sections to go over, but we were running out of time. My class of course was stuck on talking about some of their own difficulties, and I was like, ah we need to move on! But no…I learned to never sacrifice hearing my students talk about their feelings and their emotions, just to get through the activity. What they were saying was important, and what was great is that every person in that class was experiencing the transition of now being a sophomore from being a freshman. It’s a rough time, and I was hopefully able to bring it up to them that 1, there is solidarity there and this brings everyone together among the sophomore class, and 2, as sophomores, it is a great blessing to take the freshmen underneath their wings, guide them, and show them the ropes – there’s goodness in this transition too. Such a blessing I have in teaching health that I can bust out an activity to check in with the health of my students – see how things are going with them socially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally…so good.

So, as for my name on campus, I am known as ms. Cadillac, ms. C, ms. Caddy, ms. CC, there are a bunch – or sometimes I get, ah! Are you the health teacher? Or, ah! YOU’RE the health teacher! …I have lots of fun with the girls, and when I had lunch duty today, some of the girls tried to teach me salsa and meringue…haha that’s what you get when your students are primarily Dominican. It’s wonderful, it really is! I got to talk one on one with one of my students today…I noticed there was a sadness in her character and demeanor and so I asked her to meet up with me during one of her free times in campus ministry. It was my first one on one time with a student, and it gave me an opportunity to pray for her, and realize how hard it is to be in high school – with the pressures of family, and school, and personal life…it really is difficult going through it…and especially when you are not in the best environment, that makes it only a bit more challenging.

Something that I find so beautiful about the girls at the high school, is how nice they are to me. for instance, when I was in high school, if I ever saw a teacher, I would run the opposite direction or try my hardest at not making eye contact. With these girls, every time I see a student in the hall, or a group of them, whether I knew them by name or not (I’m struggling in this part of being a teacher!), they always say, “hi miss!” when michelle and I were walking down to the train station after stopping by the mr. softee truck for my rainbow sprinkle dipped cone and her chocolate éclair, the students all said bye to us as well…it was just another reality check…that even though they talk in class, and pick and choose exactly what they want to respond to, they have hearts of gold and are open, that is, as long as you talk with them and do so in a loving way.

One of the students was singing the “happy birthday” song by stevie wonder. I immediately turned around and was like, oh my gosh! Who is singing that? it was then that she was like, oh my gosh miss, you’re my best friend! You are my new favorite person!! I was just like, girl, what are the other verses? She didn’t know, but said she would find out. She was like, dang, I thought you was black. Hahaha I was like, huhhhhhhh! Hahaha not even! But then I saw her in campus ministry cause she was visiting and she said the funniest thing…she said…”ms. catalan, on the real though, you’s a black filipino.” Hahaha…I’m in!!!

Just, such a good day. Yes, I have a lot of papers to grade, and things to read, and life to catch up on, but I’m also bathing in the goodness of that which this week brought to my life. On the subway this morning, this construction worker almost collided with another guy on the train, but both were so tired, they just brushed it off. I smiled because I thought it was cute that the construction man was like, ah, sorry! And I don’t know, but I just smiled cause I thought it was great that he said sorry and the other guy was just like, oh it’s fine! Not that typical…The construction man sat down, and I just looked at him. He was in a matching hat and shirt for valley crest companies. It immediately made me think of one of my prospects at news america.

Then I saw he had a tattered piece on his left pant leg, and he was just tired…he was reading his Spanish newspaper and eventually fell asleep for many stops. As he got up from his seat to exit the train, he gave me a smile, and I gave him a smile back, and he said bye, and I said bye too. It was great to have that early morning exchange and to acknowledge another person so early in the morning. Very unexpected. I then saw a mother playing paddy cake with her daughter on the train. There was so much joy. The little girl had cute little flowers in her hair…which means, someone took time to put those gadgets in her hair…she was already being pampered at her probable estimated age of 5. it was super cute!

And that, that was my adventure for Friday on the way to the heights.

You could see him with your heart if you stop looking with your eyes - how could you say no? by steve angrisano

this little light of mine...i'm gonna let it shine

did I know I would be on the go today for about 16 hours today? No, not really, but it was all good things…just a lot. Today was our official first day of classes, but with the way my schedule works, I don’t see my classes until tomorrow – yup, in about 11 hours! Ahh! Woohoo, excitement, and nervousness, but not much. That’s what it is!

On the subway this morning, I did something new…not listen to my ipod, until I got to the late 100 streets on the subway…instead, I watched a little girl cry and struggle with her sadness as her mom yelled at her for not sitting up straight on the subway seat…she therefore was forced to stand up and hold onto the railing…and I got to hear the mom cuss at her daughter…and then when she was done, she gently fixed her daughter’s dress, pulled down her daughter’s jacket a little bit more, put on her ipod, and started singing along to her rap song again. The whole time, I was praying that the little girl would have some strength in her to listen to her mom, but also know that God loves her and that things will get better. And then I thought to myself, I am not the only person on the train that just witnessed that. did anyone else hear? Or was everyone trying their hardest to not stare at what they were listening to? What were they thinking? That was a moment where I wished I knew what everyone was thinking. That’s for sure.

And then I started thinking about the huge contrast in the way that I grew up in suburban orange county vs. the way I see the kids growing up here in the inner cities of Washington Heights – many ways in which I can not even fathom or begin to understand…but I try.

It’s so interesting to me, but I just really hope that with the young ones being treated poorly, does not result in a cycle of mistreatment, but part of me realistically sees it as a perpetual problem…the parents are tired – they work really hard, they don’t know any better…what would you do as a single parent? Male or female? Especially in this economy right now…there are so many social factors affecting you, pulling you left and pulling you right, and on top of that, you have yourself to take care of, but also your children…just everyday, trying to make the ends meet…so it just takes a small little thing to set you off. Even if it’s your innocent daughter dressed super cute in her school uniform.

Sitting in the campus ministry office, and seeing a good majority of the students come in and out of the office, I have only begun to see a glimpse of what the students are like at the high school. Haha, they crack me up….the way they talk, the content of their conversations, these kids are for real. Like, legit. They don’t hide. I have become so natural to call each student, girl, and it’s completely fine, though I really do need to learn their names and find the importance in doing so. It’s just so complicated! Being in the high school scene no doubt brings me back to my high school life, and the contrast only begins to be more and more prominent…not bad or better, just very different.

After school, michelle and I rewarded ourselves with mr. softee, so I got the usual…rainbow sprinkle cone. All worth the 5000 calories it is…sometimes, you just gotta do it. Then we got home, ate dinner, and then went off to a mass for immigration reform. Yup, that’s right…”faithful action for immigration reform” – it was a service held at a catholic church, put on by a number of organizations and the Cabrini Immigrant Services organization – part of the ministry of the Cabrini Sisters (MSC) – as you know Mother Cabrini is the patroness of immigrants…and this service was one of the most powerful things that I have really been to in new york.

You have no idea how moving it was to see a rabbi, a nun, a member of the sikh coalition, a man who has been affected by racism and hate as an immigrant, and Buddhist monks come together, to pray for immigration reform and a reform for social justice in this social problem. Regardless of stance on the issue of immigration, God is real and God gifts each person with His grace, whatever that looks like – whether the person has legal documents or is without…and that’s what everyone gathered to pray for…for social justice, and an understanding of humanity. It was especially great to see some good shepherd volunteers in attendance!

While I have never been very active with immigration, coming from immigrant parents, and having the ties that I have to the Philippines, and to my Filipino roots, it is an issue that I indeed hold close to my heart. We also met up with the director of another Cabrini ministry with nursing and rehabilitation and we got to talking about putting on liturgies for the sisters who will be moving to their new convent in new york. It was tonight that I really realized how big of a ministry I am a part of, and how big of a family I have inherited through my commitment to the cabrini mission corps. It’s so exciting, and for that, I am so grateful!

I have about 6 grandmas through the missionary sisters (cabrini sisters that I live with), I have a whole convent filled with other sisters who know me by name in philly and who will be moving to new york, I have more support by sister grace and sister mary lou, I have the support of the sister in Burbank, I belong to the family of all of the Cabrini ministries and missions (domestic and international), and I have met so many amazing volunteers through all of this. There are so many things that I would really like to be involved in, but again, gotta channel my ministry involvement so that I can be as present as possible and as wholeheartedly dedicated to the ones that I am really drawn to. Oh, the problems in life!

….and on that note, here’s a part of a prayer that is attributed to archbishop oscar romero…
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and do it very well. it may be incomplete, but it s a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.

…get out there, and GO. Until next time!

desire, discern, decide...

i feel like i always begin or at least mention in the beginning how i don't even know where to begin, or how i apologize for not updating more often...but really, that's the case. things have started to pick up and to be honest, i have spent a lot of my time in internal contemplation and reflection, which is a very good thing.

i have about an hour to reflect every morning around 6:45amish, as i get on the subway, only to commute an hour to the high school. to help calm my nerves and start the day off in a prayerful way, i have been listening to the chaplet of the divine mercy in song - it's a beautiful prayer, and when it's put to song, it is even better. michelle and i would split my headphones, just so that we can help ease the travel a little bit...the best is when we would be singing the prayer aloud, and people on the subway would just stare. but, welp! that's what it is...

it is unfortunate when we get on the subway and we end up standing for half the time, but you know, it's ok. we all have our days. there was this one moment that sticks out in my mind (i think thursday)...there was this man who looked quite unkempt, and unfortunately i rode him off because he reeked of alcohol, and sorry, i do not want to be around that. it's just plain sketchy...and then i finally got a seat, and he got a seat and sat right across from me. it wasn't until i looked at him directly in the face and noticed his cap...I <3 Jesus. that's what it said. of course, it had a straight up heart, but just that portrait of that man...i don't know, it really spoke to me. i hope he really does love Jesus...so i prayed for him the whole subway to the high school. not that he loves Jesus, but that he respects himself and has a good day. riding on subways is such valuable time for me. it is a moment for me to see the body of Christ - as imperfect, and beautiful, and busy, and wound up everyone is, it is beauty to me, and i absolutely love it. my days are not complete without riding the subway...

i started singing at my church this morning - i had my first choir rehearsal!! woohooo!!! it was awesome! and then my sister ended up coming to mass! so that was a great surprise, and we got lunch..and then i met up with mary, because we are going to do a 19th Annotation of Ignatian Spirtuality...so basically, we meet with a spiritual director (that we are paired up with) every week, and we go through spiritual direction, more specifically, rooted in ignatian spirituality. what's great about it, is the commitment - which may also be a challenge, but a good one...basically every day i have to commit to about 45-1 hour of praying on a specific scripture or a specific intention, whatever my spiritual director and i decide...and then we meet up about once a week to discuss how it is going for me...so it's going to be great...this is obviously a huge focus for me - growing in my spiritual life, so since i am out here in new york, this is going to be a great tool and a great journey for me to embark on...it will be challenging, i am aware of that, but i must do it, as it will indeed be a priority. :) this will be from mid-october to june. gotta love it :)

there are now 6 sisters in the house with me, and then michelle and mary and i, so there are 9 of us here. ah i wish i could articulate the least bit to you how great it is to live with these sisters. each of them bring something so joyous and so unique to the community, that they really serve as a breath of fresh air, especially on days like today where i was running around from place to place. after the workshops on ignatian spirituality, i actually ended up hitting up another parish on the upper west side to see the ministry over there...it was good music, and it was kinda a lively congregation, but what was unfortunate, was the lighting...if lighting is bad, i fall asleep, and therefore, not good for crystal. and it was hot. but it was a nice parish overall.

lately i have been thinking of st. monica's A LOT. that's actually what i spent a big chunk of today thinking about...how i really truly miss the young adult ministry there, and how i miss that i'm missing out on all the goodness that is going on on California Ave. and how i miss all the hugs from all of my "older than me" mentors. ah i miss them and love them so much...but for some reason, God took me out, and placed me here...and i am helping to build my community here. it's good, i just miss st. monica's a lot. :( wow. for real. ah how blessed i am that i was able to experience something like that...where God takes me this year, who knows, but it has already been quite the journey!

as a campus minister at the high school, i have had a small little glimpse of the students there, and i am beginning to see how different my high school experience and life is from these girls. it's great in that i get to play an active role in ministering and serving as a role model and listener to anything they need...i recently saw my sales skills really come out as i was giving brief overviews of the campus ministry center to the new students...i caught myself talking with my hands, and using hand motions, and right after, i was like, was i just selling a coupon machine...but nope - i was selling ministry and reasons why they should get involved. haha! so good. :) something i am passionate about, and something i am excited to see the outcomes with!

i had mr. softee the other day - a cone dipped in sprinkles. and i thought of GP. ahh i miss that girl. and angela...i miss her too...poop.

my mom sent me some winter clothes, so i'm happy to have my uggs and my boots again. and my coats and my banana republic wear...AND she sent me my yoga mat and towel and bag!!! woohoo!!!! love love love it!! so good!!! living simply. don't worry about it...:)

i guess in a nutshell...life as a missioner is new and different every day. you talk to people, especially those of the xy kind and throw out the fact that you are a missionary - and boom. you are able to throw them out of the "potential to hang out with" running, just like THAT.

i have no idea who i am going to meet each day, i have no idea who i will see on the subway, and no, i am not living the typical new york life where i can go in and out as i please until all hours of the night/early morning...but i am ok with that. i have been missioned here, and i am going to do the best i can, and see where God leads me, as i am, because that is all i am.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. —Carol Burnett

life is like a box of chocolates...

transition, transition, transition. i'm adjusting. i thought i was gonna vomit the other day and tried my hardest to not jump out the window. i didn't, i'm in one piece...i thought my mind was gonna explode. then i prayed. hard. a lot, and it worked. then i slept really well. and i prayed, hard. and prayed some more, and my day was great. absolutely wonderful!

i feel so blessed...if only i were more patient...but i guess that's what happens with a type A personality like myself. i guess that's what happens when you get trained in such a linear, clear-cut way, in such a corporate setting, that once you get thrown into a complete counter-cultural way of life, things aren't as cut and dry, moments aren't so clear, and you end up wrestling with situations a little bit more than expected, hoped, or anticipated for. i think it's a great thing that i'm resilient, but moreso, point is, prayer works, and prayer is so good. openness. oh, so good.

SO GOOD. i'm smiling. :)

life is like a box of chocolates

you know how forrest gump says that you can tell a lot about a person’s shoes? well, let me tell you. you can tell a lot by someone’s feet. Let’s talk about my feet for a couple minutes here. I have blisters, and unhealthy skin on my feet. Yeah, sounds gross, but let me elaborate. Clearly I have no problem discussing this, because my points and observations are way more important than the conditions of my feet. looking at the bright side of things, i have been able to find some good meaning behind this all. :)

so I have blisters on the back of my feet, from wearing flats. Yeah, I am used to wearing heels, and the heels I am used to wearing have not harmed my feet once. The moment I even try to invest in a pair of flats, of course, this is what happens. And these are wedges! And then we have blisters from a new pair of rainbows that I decided to purchase for myself. Since I had to dispose of my last rainbows, I had to invest in another pair, and as a result, blisters from the straps have developed…typical – it’s happened to me before…part of wearing those bad boys in. and then we have my other sandal flats which have ruined/harmed the bottoms of my feet for forever it seems. Haha, yeah that’s not a good thing. Clearly I have been doing a lot of dancing, a lot of walking, and a whole lot of walking. This has resulted in the conditions of my feet…let’s just say it’s painful to walk. But I’m doing really well hiding the pain. That doesn’t stop me from talking about it!

I suppose in a sense that my pilgrimage in new york has already begun where my phases of exploration have reflected themselves and made themselves known in the conditions in my feet. It is transition – the internal changes, it is the changes going on – the external changes in environment…there’s a lot going on. I am in the city where there is a lot to look at…a lot of sensory stuff and a lot of things to look at, and many distractions – a lot of hustle bustle, and amidst it all, there are people living, or surviving every day. Trying their very best. You see it on the subway, you see it when everyone is walking by with emotion or no emotion on their face…you see it, because you ask yourself, or I ask myself, what am I doing here? Who am I amidst this all?

Each day is a new adventure and my heart takes in and leaves out the wanted and unwanted givings of each moment and minute. I have already had multiple experiences where I tell strangers that approach me, I am a missioner that lives in a convent, and it creates the biggest shock, especially to those who do not share the same mindset, or have the background capacity to understand. Every time I say those words, I see it as a moment of testament and a moment to hear myself say what I am doing, and it already serves as a reminder as to why I am actually here. There is plenty of fruit waiting for me and being patient with me, and I truly believe that with God’s timing, all that is necessary to be revealed, will indeed make itself known, as it needs to. i just have to be patient with myself simultaneously.

Every moment on the subway, every moment walking avenue by avenue gives me the opportunity to reflect and think about this stuff, and reflect on myself, presently. There was a quote that I came across and it was basically like, to be fully alive, just be. And that my friend, is what I am choosing to do. No expectations, no judgments, try my best to be who I am, and just be. Allow it all to happen as it should. Just be. Damaged, tired, dirty feet and all, just be and I am as I am.

By having the courage to be herself, she put something wonderful in the world that was not there before. —Unknown