going faster than a rollercoaster...

Indeed, I am still alive and still actively wandering the streets of new york city. Sometimes I don’t even know where the days go, and I seem to have lost track, multiple times throughout the span of even a mere hour. I have learned to start crossing the streets while changing a song on my ipod, and texting a friend, and last night, even though I was late in meeting Ryan due to the L train being held up on the track (someone fainted on the train), I still managed to help someone find their way to upper Manhattan.

All he said was, hablas espanol? And boom, I tried the best I could to get him to where he needed to be. As if I knew how to even use the train systems, taking into account transfers and all this NYC subway stuff, I succeeded, and he finished the conversation and said thank you, by giving me a high five. It was sweet! I was nice…I even exited the subway station with him and told him how many blocks and what direction to go in to get the train he needed. Yay!

I then proceeded to the lower east side with ryan– the typical pianos, and of course, the Bryant park hotel where Jose hooked us up. Yeah, it was a great night of burning off calories. That’s for sure. Two stamps, a sharpee figure of a couple of jumbled hearts, and a glow in the dark x. memories.

The weather is unpredictable, as are the different people I see everyday. I will walk, and sometimes stare at people, in pure curiosity, wondering where they came from, and why their faces look the way they do – some look real sad, some look real happy, and others just are. I would love to know what everyone is thinking in their own heads…on the subway, in the park, and in alphabet city. I mean, what percentage of these people actually live in new york?

I am looking forward for my ministry to actually start, especially in the school setting. There is a lot going on this year, and it will all happen just as it should, but it is a very restless time while I am in the waiting period until the students have their butts in seats.

Going to mass tonight in harlem was something that I definitely needed. It was wonderful to be with Kristen again and to debrief about life, and love and why. Having a familiar face, and hearing stories of her GSV experiences, it’s all good and great, and I am so lucky to have her here. We walked through the campus of Columbia, and it was just interesting to be on a college campus again. THOSE were the days.

Oh life…there’s so much going on…what’s next?

call it what you want... :)

So the past two days have been a blur – a good one for the most part…well, kinda. One of the days we woke up super early and headed on over to Westchester, new york, so that we could visit some of the older sisters at the Cabrini Nursing Facility in Dobbes Ferry. They had scenic views of the Hudson river, and it was such a beautiful place. It was great to be near some of our favorite sisters again, and even though some of them did not remember who we were or what our names were, we were still able to cherish the memories and the moments that we had with them back in Philly.

Coming back that day, it was so disorienting because it was only probably noon or so, and it really felt like it could be like 4pm. Haha, but it was a good time, and we had some Chinese food to celebrate sister pat’s birthday. Woohoo!

The other day michelle and I went to visit our high school up in the heights and it was so good to be in the place that I was going to be teaching! Woohoo! I keep having these moments though, of realization that I am going to be teaching. What that looks like in the next two weeks, I have no idea, but it’s going to be something good. God has been the ultimate provider in pretty much everything that has to do in my life and there should be no reason not to trust in that…I just gotta keep reminding myself of that major detail. Haha!

Brooklyn was a situation. A great one, absolutely awesome. Get some Hawaiian punch, some frozen fruit, and let the party begin. So good to be with the brother for the evening/early morning. I’m beginning to see how new york works…hang out at one place, end up at another, then another, and before you know it, you are in Williamsburg, you meet someone from Canada, and the rest is history…haha a great history it is. A history of 5:30am. Haha, welp!

So I’m learning that you meet people in new york, but most the time, the people don’t even live in new york. Haha hmm…soo you gotta make the best with what you got and who you meet…but it’s important to also keep in mind, as long as it’s life giving, and worth the time, then why not pursue it. HAHA…and that, is that. more to come. Get excited.

let your feet do the walking

we write cards in our spare time, and hang out at cvs…that’s what we do! It was a good, good day…I had some crystal time in the city…meaning, walking from my place in gramercy, over to good ol’ news America on 6th ave. Yes, that is right my friends, got lunch with one of my faves, then went up to the office to hang out, and give my hellos. It was a great, great time, and it was so good to be reunited with some of my faves over there. There was joy and peace in my heart, and being able to go to the headquarters of my old corporate stomping grounds, was a great thing that I am very thankful for. It was interesting to be back in a corporate office, in my jeans and sandals, and explain again that I am living at a convent, well equipped with a sign-in, sign-out board, and small stipend every month. It’s not about the money, rather, it is about the ministry, and that is why I am here.

I walked the streets of the city with my ipod on shuffle, and my blackberry in hand. Zooming past everyone and crossing streets even when the little man didn’t show up…I felt like a little new yorker. Haha there was a moment when I was texting and realized I was just walking when the man ahead of me was walking without looking…that maybe wasn’t a good idea, but you learn from that stuff. I’m here to tell the story!

So lunch and the afternoon was good, and then me and m&m went to barnes, and I am now in love with my new moleskin. Dinner was delicious and prayer was beautiful again. My eyes are opened more and more to the deep spirituality of my life here, and I feel my heart being awakened more and more in every minute. Perhaps it is the situation that I am in, knowing that I am a missioner, but in one of the intentions of the sisters, she lifted us up and prayed that we would find what it is that God called us to, out here in new york. It is something good, and something that will happen…and this is for everyone. I truly believe that God calls us each to something, something amazing. Missioner or not. Whether we acknowledge this calling or not, it is there, and waiting for us, and all we need is an authentically open heart, and only then will we be able to uncover what that treasure is. It’s a beautiful thing, and I am finding that when I am intentional about something, goodness comes out of it, as long as it is with a pure heart, and an open mind.

Nothing has been more satisfying today, than smiling to strangers in the street. Yeah, I know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing that on the streets of new york, but when I see people with gloomy emotions plastered on their face, it makes me believe they need a smile, potentially at that very moment. No harm done, and God will take care of me. my feet are tired, but my heart is happy. God did me good today, yet again. There IS beauty here, and there IS beauty where you are. Thanks for coming along.

on and off the mat...

i was in my favorite pose…happy baby…and i realized that i am here. AHHH i’m here!!! haha it was one of those moments when I was looking forward, holding onto my feet and I was looking at all of the people doing the same, and I was like, whoa. I’m here. Sooo yay! I did it! I went to my first yoga class here in new york…I absolutely loved it, and it was such a good feeling. getting back into my flow and having my body and my mind be present on the mat, it was absolutely amazing. exactly what I needed…all at the right time. thank you JESUS. :) and I got some good prayer time in too. that’s always a plus. for sure!

AND best part…it’s only 20 minutes away from me, walking distance!! what is that! yeah, that’s right. amazing, that’s what it is!

sooo needless to say it was pretty much perfect being at yoga today…and ryan met me, and I was with michelle. It was golden! met up with ryan and jess today with the girls and we walked all through Chelsea pretty much. So good! something that I am loving is that everything is walking distance. I am totally taking advantage of this whole walking situation and have yet to experience a subway – the mode of transportation that is. after the past 4 weeks of living like a retreatant, it is time for me to detox my body in the best way I can…soooo gotta exercise. like a lot. shoot.

a lot of today has been walking, and as a result, a lot of today has been a lot of me walking and thinking that wow, this will be my next year. I think because the next couple of weeks will be downtime before I actually start teaching, I am trying to take advantage of this free time as much as possible…meaning, go out, and enjoy the new york streets before I start lugging around student papers and a pack of chalk. yeah, chalk! for the chalkboards.

Tonight we ate burgers for dinner, along with some corn and beans. Yeah, haha beans. After every dinner Monday through Friday, the sisters and us, three missioners, have community prayer night…I have to say that this was probably the most powerful experience that has happened to me in the past two days that I have been here at the convent. Here in our community, we have the awesome, beautiful blessing of having the blessed sacrament available to us at all times. I know where the key is…which means, that’s all I need to know! if I want to have adoration…I can do it!! Woohoo! How many people can say that they have it downstairs from them? Well let me tell you…I do! :) during prayer, when we had Jesus exposed, I was just like, wow, I am so blessed to be here, and wow. It was absolutely amazing. No words…just the realization that it is in our house, I was just like, wow, I think I am going to love eating dinner with the sisters, then having prayer. Their company is truly amazing. I am always laughing and having a great time. They are such characters! The spirituality is real, and it is felt and received with such graciousness in my heart. So good :)

Afterwards, me and michelle swept the front of our house. Haha it was so funny because we were straight up like out of mary poppins with our brooms. There was a guy that stared at the convent for a little bit…he like paused in front, analyzed for a little bit, and he walked by, and I was like, hi! do you have a question? and he’s like, nope, this is a beautiful house. It is well built. And I was just like, wow, yes…it is. A rock of faith baby! And then I had ice cream with everyone else inside. It was a good time. This, my friends, was a beautiful day. :)

Question: do they call you sister crystal?
Answer: NO. heck no. SHOOT.

** Mark! Thanks for the comments! You’re awesome!

will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

it is only fitting of course that I begin my time in new york city listening to the soundtrack of avenue q. sooo here I am!! Hello gramercy park! I apologize for the lack of blogging, for what seems to be almost 3 months, when really potentially it has only been a couple of weeks or so. I don’t even know when the last time was that I blogged! I’m typing this out on my laptop, and due to the lack of wireless connection in the house right now, I am just gonna use my good ol flash drive to help transport this stream of consciousness to my blog online. So there you have it! Get ready!

After the last few days of cabrini orientation, we said bye to all of the sisters, packed the car, and drove over to staten island. It wasn’t that easy. It was hot, it was humid, it was tiring, and it was really sad saying bye…who knows when I will see them again? Since many of them are moving to different facilities in new york, we plan on visiting them before things get crazy with our own ministries and missions. Ok, so we headed to staten island for a week retreat with the good shepherd volunteers - these are the volunteers that work alongside the ministry and mission of the sisters of the good shepherd. YES that is correct! The same order that I did service with in April, when I served at the Euphrasian Residence in manila. I discovered it was a small world, when the sisters in new york, knew some of the sisters I knew from manila. Yay!

So yes, you may be a little confused, so let me break it down for you a little bit. The first two weeks in philly was with the response ability group - the teachers who will be serving in inner city schools under the sisters of the holy child - started by cornelia connelly, and they will be serving in LA, DC, and Philly. Then after these two weeks, I spent the next 4 days just living with the sisters in philly, spending time with them and helping them with their move. This is an assisted living convent, so even just watching the sisters help one another, and watching them eat, was one of the most precious things to watch. The next 3 days of that week were dedicated to Cabrini orientation. This is when the three of us, me, michelle, and mary, learned more about each other, along with our director, Gina, and Sr. Dianne and Sr. Grace. Amazing group of women and every day I was inspired more and more by who they are and I am so excited that these are the people I will be sharing this year (at least) with. We did life journeys, and talked about the joys, the challenges, the different roads we have been on…basically everything that led us to where we are now…Cabrini Mission Corps. When we really took time to dive into the heart of everything that led us to where we are now, it was quite emotional, needless to say…boxes of Kleenex served as our companion, prayer, hugs, and a lot, a lot of support and affirmation in these decisions.

We then ventured off to staten island for a retreat with the good shepherd volunteers. Here, we broke down the 4 tenets of the good shepherd: simplicity, community, ministry, and spirituality. It was important for me to realize that simplicity does not only mean with possessions, and it is not only speaking in the material sense. Moreso, this also means simplicity with my relationship with God…no matter how many statues you have, or I have rather, haha, no matter what the walls in my room look like, simplicity is key…no need to complicate things. It only makes things cluttered. But, lets be honest. If you know me, you know I need that stuff, so therefore, I have some of that stuff with me and I most certainly will be applying them to my walls. J

We did a drum circle at retreat too…it was definitely one of the best things I’ve done, and I am inspired to buy a drum and just play in a park and start a beat. We each took an instrument, someone just started, and we went around and added to it…creating music…some were good, and some beats were unfortunate, but we were all a part of it, and it really allowed us to let loose and reflect on its metaphorical connection to a community. It was absolutely moving and beautiful at the same time.

Community - I am living with mary and michelle, and 5 other older sisters. Mary is from Milwaukee, WI, and her and I share a bathroom between us. She’s half Chinese and half Polish and has this deep passion for Latin America and salsa - the dancing that is! J Michelle is from St. Louis, MO, and she lives upstairs. She’s Filipino and Chinese and is in her 2nd year of being a missioner with the Cabrini Mission Corps. Then we have the other sisters that I live with - they are all older, and they are a special group. We eat together, we will be having community prayer nights, and with this, it is important to also mention and break down any assumptions you may have on what this community may look like. Like in any group of people from different backgrounds and experiences, there will be disagreements, and some days will be easier or more challenging than others, but all in all, with the intention to support, encourage, and allow each other to grow, love and peace will be our guide. Just remember, sisters are people too…I had to remind myself of this…considering all I have been picturing and envisioning is an experience straight outta sister act. Don’t get me wrong..I love that, BUT! That is also Hollywood. Haha!

The Cabrini charism is one of deep spirituality and that is what has drawn me to this community. After having the amazing and blessed opportunity to spend time with the sisters of the holy child and the sisters of the good shepherd, the spirituality of the Cabrini charism is what really drew me in and ultimately brought me here. One of the first rules in the Cabrini mission, is the bringing in of young adults to help in the mission, so here I am. Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - was the motto of Mother Cabrini, and one that I am trying to cling on to in times of distress.

Haha, ok, so here we go…so I’m here. I’m sitting on my bed and it has a nice bedspread with blue flowers, and some ribbon of blue, yellow, and green. Mr. Brown Eyes is sitting right next to me, and of course my phone is to my left. The door is to the left of me, I have a sink and a medicine cabinet, I have a closet about one and a half feet long, I have a big dresser and on it lies a pic of my mom, me, and my grandparents, santo nino, another one, the good shepherd, a picture of our lady of medjugorje, a glow in the dark crucifix, and other getting ready stuff. Then I have a chair, then a desk. When I first walked into my room, I was pretty much speechless. It was like, I have been counting down till the 22nd, cause that was the magical day when I would finally be in my place in gramercy park…yeah…it wasn’t really magical. It was more surreal. I put my things in my room, and I just sat on my bed and looked around. There’s a crucifix over the door, one on the wall, an icon of another religious figure, mary in the corner, and a quote on the wall from mother cabrini - “ if you have not yet seen miracles, it is because you possess little faith.” I still have stuff all over the place, and of course I still have yet to have been here for 24 hours…I’m starting to feel the transitioning that is beginning to take place inside of me. I didn’t really think it would be a feeling like this, one that I can not even explain and unfortunately can not articulate, but it is one of just like, wow. I’m here. Nothing super good, nothing super bad, just wow. I think that’s part of it though..to just be, and accept where I am, and yet, I am still 200% sure that this is where God wants me to be. And THAT itself should provide me with peace…I just gotta get there. J

The air conditioning is on, and I tried conserving energy by turning it off…so I did. And then I walked back in, and my room was stuffy. Soooo naturally, I got over it and turned it back on…and so I am happy J

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions, and I remember telling my director about how hard it was to be present because I was so exhausted from two weeks of training then a week of more training then another week of retreat…it was very much like, please stop me from having to live out of a suitcase! I was like, Gina, it’s really hard to be present…I just wanna get there. And she so graciously reminded me that my mission has already started, and me just getting out here, and even before that…in my mission to commit to this, my mission had already begun. This is all part of the process, and all in the plan and preparation prior to me being that awesome health teacher and inspiring campus minister that I want to be. J

Just as I have a mission, I am reminded that God has a mission in me, and in us. It is such a beautiful thing and I am so blessed to have experienced 4 weeks with about 40 other young adults who have felt a calling to serve with their lives for a year or so, or even beyond…it is an amazing thing to see passion, and see it played out in the lives of the friends I have made. I never thought I would have a friend from Tennessee, I never thought I would have made great friends who live in Philly, and I never thought I would ever live in New York…with sisters. I’m here, and it feels so good, so so so so good, but I just gotta remind myself that it is ok to struggle and also, that all I gotta do, is be myself…because that’s all God expects of me, and that is all that I have to offer. There’s no need to have a mentality to have to make big changes, or create any elabroate movement…rather, the giving of myself will be moving enough…God is already here, He has been here…in the high school, on 21st street, in laguna niguel, in philly…everywhere. And that. That is a great, great thing. Life is good…and I am blessed.

are you sure you want to do this?

after a beautiful day of sharing and diving into openness of it all, we had a little formal introduction with the sisters...just picture 3 23 year olds busting out a new york song and ending with do-re-mi from sound of music...basically, anything to get the sisters excited about what they would hear from us...we shared with them why we were here, and what really drew us to the program.

all in common, we had one thing that we strived for, and found: spirituality. it was something that was very unique to our program, and having this focus and having set this as our priority, really paved the way for each of us to end up here as missionaries with mother cabrini. i am inspired in that she was persistent in building orphanages where she went, and where she saw a need. it inspires me to go back to my desire to build an orphanage in the philippines. will it happen? i really hope so.

i had a conversation with my mom today and basically told her i would most likely be doing this for a while...and that was kind of a weird realization, a scary one, but also a good one. this feels great with my soul so far, so we shall see, but as you know, disponibilita (accent on the a!) is the way to go. it is the theme, and we're stickin to it. be open, and go where God wants you to go.

are you sure you want to do this? an all too familiar question that i was asked multiple times on multiple occasions by multiple people. with that being said, my answer was Yes, and my answer IS Yes. i'm here, and i'll probably be here for a while. i'll leave it at that. :)

fill us up, and send us out...

yay! our missionary triad is complete as of yesterday at 2pm. woohoo! straight up from st. louis, milwaukee, and orange county/los angeles, we will be serving as the cabrini mission corps. :) woohoo!

yesterday was a whirlwind where we had some prayer time, got to visit my RA friends next door, and watch some friends episodes along with tristan and isolde. wow, that movie. how unfortunate. oh yeah, and we had some ice cream. i guess i should have saw the end coming, but i was still optimistic through the movie. shoot.

it is great to finally start orientation for the cabrini mission corps, because while RA training was fun...it was very much teaching based, and i need some more spirituality all up in here on the east coast. so with that being said, it is a good good start. the mother superior of the entire Cabrini order is coming today, and she has spent many a years in the philippines, so i'm very excited to meet her! woohooo!

it is really interesting to see how your surroundings will really shape who you are, what you do, and how you view things. i have been out here for almost 3 weeks now, and i have been wearing my old navy flip flops the entire time. there's no pressure to wear matching outfits, no pressure to be all done up...it is living very simply, and so far, i am doing just fine. :)

the fruitfulness of my life here comes in the appreciation of the companionship of the sisters. i think i mentioned this, but the meals are the best parts of the day because i get to watch the sisters eat and take care of one another. it is one of the most precious things you will ever get to experience. :) in my opinion at least. every time, i just get this, awwwwww moment, when i watch sister cleta walk with her walker or when i see sister adele wrap up some of her leftovers in saran wrap. ah so good.

so, so, so, so, good. difficult, at times, but good. <3

stepping forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action...

oh what a beautiful morning

as i wipe the snot from my nose and the tears from my eyes, i think to myself, dang, i've really only known these two nuns for about a month now, and already i'm so sad to see them go...with the closing of this convent, they are moving out the nuns little by little...the older nuns go to dobbes ferry and the other nuns go somewhere else in lower manhattan.

this morning michelle and i woke up early to eat breakfast then say bye to sister augustine and sister sylvia. sister augustine is 96 and sister sylvia is um, very old. haha i dont know how old. sister sylvia is an established poet and sister augustine is from a family of performers...she still sings, like, well, and she is so cute. she was sleeping on the little bench thing waiting for the car to pick her up.

every time i sit across from her during the meals, she talks about the big tree outside the window and starts singing a solo she sang when she was in high school. haha it's so cute!

sister sylvia can't really talk or hear, but we gave her kisses, and she kissed us back. sister augustine was sleeping, but one of the nurses was like, auggie, there are people here who want to say goodbye to you!...so she woke up, and said very loudly, goodbye! and starting singing...it was so precious. then she fell asleep. haha!

and then the nurses and all of their fellow sister nun people came, and then me and michelle, and we were just so sad to see them go! :( but she gave us a kiss...and she said, "i'm going where all the old people go, then to the cemetery." i hated hearing that...but that's also the truth, and that's also what makes me so sad...but wow, they're going to be rockstars in heaven. i know it.

and on that note, good morning :) my tummy is full with an egg and some toast. way to keep it healthy. i know.

ahhh!

pick a flower

so there we have it...crystal was totally getting cabin fever, or convent fever, so as a result, i was like, girl, we need to get out. all i've been doing is eating, sleeping, and helping the nuns pack...and repeat. therefore, crystal had to get active or something. boom. so here we go...

we hopstopped how to get to the st. john neumann shrine. success! got there, after taking a bus for an hour, then we picked up a pamphlet and saw that there is a shrine of the miraculous medal and ironically enough, mondays are the big days at the shrine with many services held throughout the day full of novenas and benedictions.

sooo what do i do? call a friend and have girl get me directions. YUP. so we did it, then we made a friend on the subway who helped fill in some of the holes in the directions that michelle had tried to transcribe from the directions we got...then, we got there!! woohoo! so it only took a bus, to a subway, to a bus to get there...we were SO happy! it was such a sigh of relief, i mean, really, i definitely had my doubts!

so then we hung out there for a good chunk of time, and awesomely enough, made it there ontime for the 5pm service! yup. totally read that they had a service at 5pm, checked my watch and it was 4:56pm. PERFECTO. mary totally wanted us there. woohoo! so it was successful! then on our way home, we just did the reverse root...minor change is that on the last bus we took home, of course the trolley totally just straight up STOPPED. YUP. so we had to get off, and get on the one in back of us. haha totally made me nervous, but we got there nonetheless.

we walked home like 5 blocks, and had a delicious dinner and talked with sister ruth for a bit. what a great day it was! too bad i'm super tired, and dirty and sweaty. sooo worth it though! woohoo! yay for spontaneity, and for a girl who does NOT do public transportation, i would say i did pretty well. :)

sing your song with me

what do you want of me Lord? where do you want me to serve you?

so after my inability to sleep last night, i think i finally got to bed at 2amish. the plan was to sleep around 12, but then of course, roomie had to debrief a convo, so therefore, 2am sounded good. :) yup, that was after, of course, i felt something sit on my bed, and then come over me, and i couldn't move for a little bit in my bed. YUP. yeah, what was it? i have no idea, but i do remember that it was like someone had sat on my bed...yeah, so that's that.

i woke up to the sound of movers in the hallway, and multiple sisters talking at the same time, directing where everything should be moved to. i got up, took a shower, and got ready for mass. we had a farewell mass service for 5 sisters who would be moving to different convents in new york - we have to get rid of the one here in philly. :( mass was beautiful and it is such a blessing to be able to sit among these holy women...many who entered the convent at the mere age of 16 or 18. such a blessing.

lunch followed, we took lots of pictures, and i was almost brought to tears just by staring at these wonderful women and hearing their stories, hearing them sing, watching them take care of themselves, AND each other. i would say this is such a privilege to be able to sit across the table at meals with these sisters. i have never really been so happy to wipe down the tables with windex after they ate...maybe it's because the spirit of joy really came over the dining room this afternoon.

it is a sad thing to think though, that at their age, 86 and many in their late 90s, their lives may be coming to an end soon, but wow, such fruitful lives they have led. God called them to follow Him, as Catholic, as religious life, but as the priest said in his homily today, that is only one of the ways God meant to "follow Him." who knows what that looks like for each of us? it looks very different...or maybe not.

i am blessed by watching Sister Margaret take care of her tens of birds, i am blessed by the servers who prepare our meals each day, i am blessed by the sisters who bicker at one another with regards to how to fix a computer internet connection, i am blessed by this place, so so so so much.

i think we're going to explore philly today, using public transportation. way to go crystal. i know. blessings your way, and lots of love and hugs.

<3 crystal

rain down, rain down...

it's raining today!!!!

so i know a lot of you are really curious as to what it is like to live here...it was a realization this morning at mass, that, living at a convent, and going to mass with them is like living with 30 of your sweetest grandmothers. i am always greeted with a hug and a kiss by each sister as they call me by name, and i am still struggling to learn each of their names, but i'm slowly but surely getting it. this is such a beautiful experience.

it's really funny to see them bicker with one another, yesterday i got to play piano for some of them as they walked in and out, just sitting and listening, crocheting, and watching, and the best is when one of them comes into my room (since my door was open!) and she said it looked like a tornado in there. holler :)

i slept like a rock last night, minus the 2 accidental bumps on the wall that my elbow created cause i guess i was fidgety, but it was awesome. the rain pitter-pattered quite loudly on my window, but i was ok with it. i was not happy waking up to an alarm, but it was not bad.

from our response ability training...here's an amazing song that you should listen to - Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real:

It's time for healing, time to move on.
It's time to fix whats been broken too long.
Time to make right, what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me,and all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,it feels like chaos but somehow theres peace.
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,but I'm giving into something heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will?
I'm just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what it is you want from me,
I'd give everything, I surrender to...

Time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in, and let everything out,that I've wanted to say, for so many years.Time to release some of held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,it feels like chaos but I believe...

You're up to something bigger than me,larger than life, something heavenly.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,it feels like chaos but now I can see...This is something bigger than me,larger than life, something heavenly.Something heavenly...

It's time to face up, clean this old house.Time to breathe in, and let everything out.

actions not words

how fun it is to just spend the last hours of last night with our LA friends, and the philly crew...good times. mall cop was a complete bust, obvs, but sitting around with good friends and reminiscing of the events of the past two weeks - not bad. good stuff even. :)

i woke up around 10am today...yup, definitely got 10 hours of sleep and it was absolutely amazing...hung out with the sisters a bit and headed over about 10 meters away to hang out with two of the philly girls. just maybe we may go on a limb here and walk over to CVS. after eating a delicious lunch, AGAIN, and as expected...i think i might need to get my exercise regimen back up...yeah, the one that has never really existed in my life. shoot.

the sisters are in the process of moving, and me and mish are supposed to help, which is great, and not a problem...BUT they are being gracious and giving us the day off today before we start helping them pack. i think they see us both in our glasses, lounging around with our eyes half open, and i think they get the memo...we're freakin exhausted...wow.

cabrini orientation begins on wednesday, i just quit the NAM network on fb, joined the NY one, and i'm on my way...is it weird that philly begins to feel a little bit like home? and not to mention i slept so well last night. my bed was amazing. my body was very happy to finally be able to rest. i think i got freaked out though when i woke up and i was like, who is that? yup. there was like a reunion with some of the sisters from NY (my roomates!) right outside of my room in the hallway. welp! there we have it friends.

i have friends in philly. good ones. :)

justice is not equal treatment...cornelia connelly

we are called to walk tenderly...

wow. and here i am, back at the convent with the cabrini sisters. the seminary days are over - as of 4pm tonight at the convent of the sisters of the holy child, we have been commissioned to go out and spread our ministry in education. one commissioning service down...TWO more to go! we have cabrini then commissioning with the sisters of the good shepherd. crazy ridiculous. it was a beautiful service, and it was a beautiful day.

i just finished walking sister sylvia back to her room. she is very old, she can not hear anything, but she was reading chicken soup for the golden soul. i helped her put her book onto the pocket in her walker, and walked her back to her room. i think i almost started crying when i saw the other sister trying to communicate with her through writing on paper. she was just concerned as to why she wasn't in bed yet, even though she had her nightie on and everything. these sisters are amazing. i wish you could see what i see. my cheeks are covered in kisses from the sisters. wow, this is great. :)

last night we had fun skits, and michelle and i did a skit from wicked, played some charades with the group, and then busted out our own rendition of seasons of love. hey, we had to introduce NYC to everyone (that was the skit prompt), so therefore, we had to do what we do best...have a good time and perform! meanwhile, we went to the grog last night, danced a lot, and ended up talking with some friends out here until 5am. yeah, pretty awesome. :) sorry girl, with your friends, i just could NOT do it. shoot.

at this evening's commissioning, it was absolutely wonderful to see all the love from the sisters of the holy child, and the cabrini sisters. :) ahh such good stuff. a lot of crying happened today, a lot of reflection, a lot of realizing that wow, i am in such a good place surrounded by so many wonderful people - young, vibrant people really wanting to make a change in the world. what a blessing! support and community are just amazing good things to have. my heart has been on an emotional rollercoaster, but wow. it has been such a good one. never did i think i would have a home in philly...but i have so many friends here now...YAY!

ah unfortunately i wish i could write more, but right now, my head is kinda all over the place. i'm gonna head out to the cabrini house in a bit to visit with some other volunteers, and gotta catch up on much needed phone calls. i am back though at the convent, which means, access to facebook. and THAT, my friends, is a great thing. :)

email me with questions...i know some of you have some ;) cgcatalan@gmail.com. holler. i'm out!

as days go by...

i don't even remember the last time i went to bed at 4:30am...after hanging out at brownies - sink or swim night - $1.50 drinks from 10pm-12am, i would say i relived the college experience that i never really had. cab it to the bar, dance for endless hours, have a great time, and have beer and libations spill all over the place as everyone tries their best to dance and freak to the beat that was playing. it was pretty awesome i do have to say. relive the college experience 2 years later. not bad..there were definitely 30 year olds all up in that place. :)

it was a good time - after the bbq last night, straight up in like the woods, i felt like i was in twilight, i saw 3 deer just chillin in the grass!! it was a moment where i was like, dude, where am i? and then we went to becker's, the teacher store to bust out some teacher supplies! haha i talked to my mom last night and it was crazy explaining to her the stuff that i bought for my classroom...and get this, i don't have a whiteboard, so i gotta write with chalk! snap! haha gotta love it.

the best part of being here are the people. the people are fun, and the fact that we are so sad to leave each other means that we've actually maybe kinda bonded a little bit...or a lot. it's good stuff, but it's great to know that i will always have friends in philly, DC, more in LA, and definitely in NY.

sidenote, how do you feel about long distance relationships? especially one where there may actually be potential? i mean, really now. without that strong foundation though, it will just topple over...there's always a purpose in timing...so it is what it is...ironic, i feel like i was typing probably the exact opposite yesterday, but i guess things happen faster than i think around here. haha, the phone definitely is a powerful tool when that's all you got!

time to meet with the sisters and finish up our last full day here at the seminary. it's been fun...until next time. ;)

it was a crazy game of poker...

the seven C's

you've been Called/be Confident/be Competent/be Collaborative/be Candid/be Caring/CELEBRATE!

every day we've been here, we pretty much have notes full of helpful sayings, inspirational quotes, and different things to remember...the seven C's were given to us from a principal that has worked with many inner cities school for the past 2 decades pretty much, so i would say he's pretty wise. despite the fact that he was straight up staring at me as i nodded off to sleep, i was still able to jot down those 7 ideas and they are money. it's good stuff.

we had rita's italian ice last night and it was absolutely delicious. mango...AND...SWEDISH FISH flavor, RIGHT? shoot, so good. ok, i digress. relationships are an interesting thing..this has been something that has been constantly coming up. not so much in the romantic relationship setting, cause let's be honest, there hasn't really been anything super exciting or worth mentioning here, in my life, but just in general, relationships have been quite the theme here. perhaps because there is fear in maintaining relationships because people are far away from the bfs/gfs, or just their friends in general... it's a really fragile thing. it's a good one too.

it's really um, "interesting," for lack of a better word, when i hear myself talk about the past relationships i have been in, or the past types of males that i have allowed to take a couple hours of my time in the recent months. for one, it makes me feel a little old, and number two, i blame it on the fact that i was in LA. but i don't really blame it, because i LOVE LA and all that was included in it. no regrets!

looking back, i really think i have grown a lot, and i am still growing, and this has definitely helped me determine who is worth my time and who is not...which leads me to where i am now. there's just not enough hours in the day to shoot the shit with people who may drain me of my joy, life, or energy. as simple and as beautiful as that, it is non-negotiable. sorry buddy. BOOM. :) maybe that's just my explanation or what i tell myself to feel better about myself to make me think that there's nothing wrong with me, but really, it is what it is, and if you know me, you know i'm doing quite lovely. :) praise God for that.

and i think i also came to the conclusion that i have entered this life of service, and i don't see myself exiting. sooo...what that means, i'll leave it at that. and...on that note, here we go!!

holiness is faithfulness, holiness is joy...

if You want me to...

ain't about how fast i get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side...

i swear the days have gotten longer. like, straight up longer. i don't even know what day it is, and i have been catching myself nodding off to sleep. like, straight up trying my best to open my eyes from a .7 second nap only to find the teacher staring right at me. BOOM. caught. i swear, that happened probably like 10 times...in like 1 half hour session, but honestly, shoot. girl is TIRED.

we're starting to look into ways to assess the students...grading - how am i going to weight the different assignments? yeah...i need to remind myself not to take out my aggression and frustration with my past teachers' grading systems, onto my future students. mwahaha, no i wouldn't do that. it's funny because while i have already been brainstorming different assignments, my first one will be to bring in your favorite quote - a quote that inspires you. HAHAHA shocking, right? it's gonna be great! yipppeee!! my room will be a refuge for pure inspiration and wellness. :)

i swaer each day is jam-packed with different things to do, and now we have like 4 hours of free time...well, it's not exactly free time, we have things we are supposed to do, but i am taking advantage of this and using it to satisfy my technology thrist via google. i am supposed to be preparing a role play for teaching assessments, but that can wait. this is more important. :) haha it's funny - the minute we don't have things to do, we like don't know what to do with ourselves.

music has been my sanctuary and after putting on a sweet prayer workshop with michelle on prayer and reflection on our fears for our upcoming school year, i am beginning to get more and more excited about my role in campus ministry. i get the awesome opportunity to teach in the classroom, and be a campus minister to the school. excellent!

in this time of transitions, there are a lot...and we went over them today as a group. easily, these may be translated into fears...here's a little insight for you on the general case of the group...fear of maintaining relationships, oversight/forgetting, feelings of inadequancy and not being good enough, fear of homesickness, fear of not getting students to the next grade level, fear of living in community, fear of the transitions...transitions being...from the west coast to the east coast (that would be me.), from salary (5 digits) to stipend (3 digits), from picking your roommates to having your community chosen for you, from suburbs to city, from role as student to role as teacher, from eating out to cooking your own food (yeah, i might die), from circumstantial situations to being intentional in community...the list goes on. regardless, they are all transitions that we have been dealing with.

it's a lot of stress, but a lot of healthy stress too. why did God want us to be here? it is that constant reminder and the trust that keeps us here and got us here. some of my friends out here have yet to be placed in schools, but they're moving into their sites in 2 weeks. it's pure craziness, but it's pure faith too. a lot of it. a strong sense of it. sooo that is that. :o)

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired" ~Mother Teresa

i had little stars in my chicken soup

Sweet Savior, help my unbelief...

so, here i am - 1:33pm on 8/2/09. michelle and i are with the sisters today at the convent because we have some laundry we needed to do...the other teachers were doing community building stuff at the seminary, and since we are missing one of our missioners, here we are enjoying ourselves on the computers! mwahahahaha...anddd we're putting on a prayer workshop tonight, so we're excited about that. woohoo! oh campus ministers at their finest.

when we got here this morning, after some excellent girl talk, it was pouring like crazy. it was a straight up storm, lightning, thunder, and the convent was all dark because they turned off the lights and we were all huddled in the living room. me, mich, sister grace, and sister mary lou were all super tired and we ended up all taking a nap...a half hour nap, then lunchtime...chicken soup with stars, spaghetti, vegetables, delicious bread, pink lemonade, ice cream, cookies, and chocolates. YUP. :)

the past few days have been full of more and more training - 9am-6pm to be exact, give or take a couple of extra hours - how to manage your classroom, how to put on classroom procedures, how to put together a lesson plan, and how to be a positive, effective teacher...merely a facilitator of learning, and learning how to help cultivate the learning environment for our students. our inner-city students.

yes, they may have uniforms, but we don't know what their homes are like. well, we actually probably do...i'm learning more and more about the dominican republic culture because most of my students will be dominican republic and african american. i'm teaching in washington heights, which means, my eyes will be opened in such a new way, and my heart is ready than ever to embrace it all and see what this looks like.

it is such a blessing to be around 25 other excited and passionate recent grads who want to make change in the world...who want to see a change in the educational system and want to make a difference in the students' lives. it's funny, as i have never really been fond of the classroom, or the classroom setting, or education...and here i am in the midst of discovering that yes, i get to have a first hand influence in helping shape the education of young people i have yet to meet. i can't believe i have been given that responsibility, and it is an absolutely wonderful one.

my mom asked me yesterday if i missed work. i said nope. and that, that, is how i know this is where i'm supposed to be. it is a good feeling to know that i am trusted to handle a classroom of 30 young girls...teaching them health. HAHAHA. i love it. absolutely.

it has been also very enriching to tell my fellow volunteers here, about my past two years in the corporate world. it brought up conversations on passion, and listening to your heart, and setting priorities. the fact that i get to be in a classroom and serve this purpose is such an enriching one, a great one. some people can sell coupons and advertising with no difficulty and that is where they're called to be, but doesn't look like that's what was in my Plan. i see change, and hope, and who knows where this will lead me.

all i know is what i'm doing this year, but after, it really is up to God. there is a whole world out here waiting to be fed, and i want to be my absolute best i can, to find where i can serve and give of myself. to be able to surrender to that though, is where the challenge comes. challenging, but rewarding. i can't bring money with me to heaven...nor would i want to.

i remember my friend telling me, as i was having difficulty packing, he said, " enjoy not having to look good. " hmm...

the past few nights a bunch of us have been going to explore the philadelphia city life. beer and all. we all know i hate beer...welllll looks like there will have to be a change in that opinion...i may start to acquire that taste and i don't like it, but i guess i'm getting there.

i'm meeting wonderful people, and it is so encouraging to see us all growing at different paces, but also finding that our intentions are really very similar - nowhere can you really be, where after the first full day, our whole group swears we are all besties. it's the craziest thing, but such a beautiful thing too. it has been hard without the internet - we're all pretty much going crazy over here, but we get our ish done - thanks to some people's iPhones and what not. of course, the LA kids. shoot.

so there we go my friends. thanks for coming along on this journey with me...every time i am in class, i have a moment and i'm like, ah i want to blog about that idea...and sure enough, it escapes me. oh well. :)

don't let anyone ever tell you...you are anything less than beautiful. <3