hold on tight!

once again, this last week has blow me away. i'm starting to see a trend here.

haha, i don't know what it is, but sometimes i feel like God takes us on rollercoasters just to see how we will react - or maybe that is just now, here in baguio city for me. haha, but regardless! it's like, are you going to unleash yourself from the harness and jump out, or are you going to hold on really really tight to the harnesses, and just scream as you approach the big loop and then the steep drop? and then love that adrenaline rush afterwards?

well, apparently, i choose (chose) the latter. i've been finding that i have had to just hold on, really tight, and while sometimes it seems like i'm going through the big loop SO SLOWWWW...eventually God takes me outta there, and unravels it all. lucky for me, i don't get motion sickness too bad on rollercoasters, and lucky for me, i feel like i am in the unraveling part, about to approach another steep uphill..what goes up must come down? well, let's just stay on the "what goes up" part. that's a nice place to be right now. it's all about the climb anyway, right? haha! wow, the metaphor has stretched itself. but i digress...

it being the first week of advent, sr. terezinha and i ventured to our weekly bible studies, with the intention of introducing the advent wreath to them. well, our first stop was with the mothers in balili. what was awesome is that we made our advent wreath out of camote leaves! haha, picked right outside of one of the mother's home, there we constructed our advent wreath. i remember taking a step back after the mothers started putting together the wreath, and i started thinking to myself, whoa, there's a lot of people gathered here. not only were there new people, but they brought their children too! here are some pictures:

camote leaves!

advent wreath!

sr. terezinha explaining each of the candles.

happy advent!

filipino style, we were able to celebrate our first week of advent in balili. afterwards, we asked the mothers what they thought about bible study, and wanted to see what feedback they could give us - what did they want more of, what worked for them, what was helpful, what was not helpful...and so they said, they love the bible study...haha! so then i said in my broken tagalog, not even trying to attempt ilokano, is there anything more you would want? and they said..."can you teach us some new songs?" hahaha, and i said, YES! :) and so, there we have it...i'm going to teach each of the groups of parents that we meet with, some new songs! and then hopefully, create a choir with them. how fun would THAT be!

another thing that sr. terezinha and i talked about was that, since there are more kids coming to the bible studies with their parents, sr. terezinha will work with the parents, and i will work with the kids at the same time! it's perfect! the way SOSCFI works, is that only one child out of every family can attend the saturday activities and be directly involved with the program, and so...i also thought to myself, this is great because the parents are starting to bring their other children to our bible studies, so this is a way for us to reach out to their families as a whole. pretty awesome. i was happy about that! sr. t and i were pretty blown away and very impressed with the mothers at balili. they have come a LONG way! woohoo! i like seeing this stuff bloom.

this past sunday, we made our visit to the irisan community, and found that the roof that we usually meet on, had a tarp cover on it! so we asked, did you guys have an event yesterday? turns out the new priest came to visit their barangay! AWESOME! turns out the priest will be celebrating a mass there on a monthly basis, which means, sr. t and i really need to start training our irisan community here, how to serve during the liturgy! so great! it was pretty exciting. the mothers and children seemed so energized, and it was pretty funny too, to see how the community separated themselves. the parents were all on one side with sr. terezinha, and i was on the other side with all the children! definitely not even planned. haha! we also made our advent wreath, and this time, we made it out of some leaves from some type of plant. :)

i sat on the bench with the kids. :)

advent wreath in irisan!

sr. terezinha explaining the candles

everyone was so attentive!

complete with flowers, jesus, and our lady of manaoag!

ate jewel and ate lynie were able to join us too, so that was super fun. as sr. t and i were processing irisan, we thought about how awesome it was to be a part of watching these communities grow - not only in numbers, but in confidence, and in truly being active participants in their faith communities. this is something very, very good. :) it is as if my post on the "revolution of the heart" has come into reality within a week. haha, God works pretty fast - the Lord must know how impatient i am, and i think God gave into me this time. haha!

here are some other fun pictures that i took from that day:

the kids really liked looking at the characters on my bag. haha! she did too.

the baby. hahaha looks like he's wrapped real snug in there.

i liked this kid.

they had fun. :)

the rollercoaster just got really exciting.

stop the demand.

the campaign of UNANIMA International

happy first week of advent everyone!

the MSCs (missionary sisters of the sacred heart of jesus) are actively involved with UNANIMA International, seeking to bring an end to human trafficking, among other injustices that steal the human dignity of our brothers and sisters all around the world.

every week during advent, they will be providing advent prayers/reflections, so that we, as a community, may help bring an end to such injustices. together, let us not lose hope, but have faith, and pray for an end to this.

here is an excerpt from the prayer/reflection for the first week of advent:

SUNITA’S STORY

My father loved me and my step-mother detested me.  After my father died my step-mother withdrew me from school. She used to beat me on a regular basis, so I ran away when was twelve. I got a job in a maternity hospital and fell in love with Bishal. Bishal introduced me to some men and they said they would take me to Darjeeling. When we arrived in Darjeeling, Bishal put me in a dark room and I never saw him again. I was told he sold me for 90,000 rupees.

The very next day I was put to work in the brothel from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm. On the average I had 20 clients a day.  If I refused to work, I was severely beaten. Condoms were not often used and I became pregnant. The madam forced me to abort when I was seven months pregnant. I had a lot of bleeding after the operation but I still had to work and entertain the customers or I was not given anything to eat.
 

You may find the complete 1st Week of Advent Prayer here.

Learn more about UNANIMA International here.

perfect timing.

the other night, i was asked the question, "do you feel like you are needed there?" i quickly recalled one of my most favorite quotes, upon discovery:

"a missioner goes where he [she] is needed but not wanted, and leaves when he [she] is wanted but not needed." - bishop james e. walsh

it took me a couple of hesitant breaths to respond, and then i said, "no, i actually don't." i think that was a really tough reality for me.

over the past couple of days, i spent some time in reflection about WHY that was...crystal, do you really feel like you are not needed there? each morning, i spent lots of time in the pews of the cathedral questioning, and asking God, "really? why am i here? please help me get through this day." but to be honest, i think the grace in all this, is that, there has never been one moment where i really felt like i was NOT supposed to be here - as in, there has never been a moment where i really doubted the call that i received to be missioned here.

i think, if anything, i'm just trying to figure it out. now.

i came to the conclusion that i KNOW that i am needed here, but not in the sense that i am here to accomplish a specific task and/or pat myself on my back at the end of the day for being a "savior" to baguio city, cause we all know that that is not the case, at all. if anything though, i feel so strongly that God has placed me here, and i KNOW that God has brought me here and Mother Cabrini is keeping me here for now, for a reason. there's something there. something here. so while i do not necessarily FEEL like i am needed here, i have recently received a huge wave of "just be patient..." and a lot of hope, and i feel a revolution coming...of the heart, if you will.

the other day, i busted out my cabrini mission corps binder, filled with amazing articles, SUCH helpful spiritual resources - basically it's like the Bible of CMC. i felt like i needed some "umph" to get me going once again, and to not start crawling on the floor in despair (yeah, super dramatic. i was very far from that actually happening, but you get my drift.), and i recalled all of the trials that Mother Cabrini went through - read some of her words...like, ALL of the trials, and then i reflected on how jesus was shunned, misunderstood, and endured all of his struggles. and then the other evening at mass, the homily was about how the "christian life is not a path of roses," but instead, we can think of it as a "bed of roses." i thought about that, and i felt re-energized.

while mission can be discouraging because of the transitions going on internally, the struggling with the new environment - the culture, the people, the way of life, and the enormity and severity of some of the injustices i see around me, mission at the same time is so empowering and hopeful. like, i can not even explain to you how blessed i feel, to be a part of it. like, wholeheartedly, with my whole self. can i really trust that God has provided me all and even more than what i need for this present moment? well, well, well, isn't THAT the challenge. in some ways, yeah, that's REALLY difficult. BUT, i have come to realize that THAT is truth - even in times when doubt may try to win me over.

i feel like i am right where i should be, and no, i may not feel like i am needed...quite YET, but with the wisdom of some of the most inspiring sisters that have become my family here, i am reminded, "no, not yet." YET. and that's a big YET. and that's a big hope right there. and in that, i think it was also just really affirming to feel understood. it is funny how all i have to say is, "oh, sister..." and they already know. really, sisters are helpful, wonderful, grace-filled people. haha :)

Mother Cabrini is among us here in baguio city, and i am certain that while i observe the changes that i feel need to happen externally in my surroundings, i am so certain that there is an even stronger revitalization and revolution going on in my heart. while it is sometimes super uncomfortable, those sometimes are worth it, if it means making me a better person in carrying out the mission i have been called to.

ok, so, let's do this. together. :)

give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so i can see, everything that i've been missing...

hope.

today i realized that puto bumbong, together with native hot chocolate is officially my favorite comfort food, here in baguio.:)

today, as we prepared for our christmas party at SOSCFI, i started working with a small group of 6 elementary kids, and for the first time, i ended up having to choreograph a little dance to "jingle bell rock." my dance moves are incredibly cheesy, but the kids make it look fun - so thank goodness for that. today emphasized that indeed, it is sometimes really difficult to not be on the same communication level as 10 year old ilokano girls. haha, in other words, my "ms. catalan" teacher demeanor that i used at the high school in new york last year, is not transferable to the PI - that is for sure. moments today, i felt like i was in a sitcom, where the teacher would say something (me), and i would get blank stares back (them). and then i realized, ok, this isn't working! think, crystal, think. hahahaha...so i had to slow down my talking, continue to encourage their creativity, and show them, no - we are not moving on, until YOU think of a dance move. hahaha...hilarious - well, it was after that hour of minor frustration on my part. haha :)

there's a beautiful song that i absolutely love, and it's called breath of heaven by amy grant. it's a song about mary singing about her fear and her anxiety after she has been told by the angel gabriel that she will be bearing a child...i thought - how appropriate it would be to sing this song! and then i thought to myself, no crystal! not you. you pick someone. and so, one of the girls here is super involved in her church choir and she asks me for vocal exercises and what not...soooo i introduced the song to her, and she rocks :) sooo i'm going to choreograph some staging for her, and i thnk this will hopefully be a nice opening prayer or simply part of the program for the christmas party. i got really excited because she is young, just like mary was, and it will be great! :)

--
i hung out with the college kids the rest of the afternoon today, and watched videos on the famous painting by joey velasco, "hapag ng pag-asa" also known as "table of hope." joey velasco is a popular filipino artist here in the philippines, however, he has never been formally trained. he got really sick, and started painting, and so, started his painting career - he has since passed away fairly recently. check out his site to learn more and see pictures of his paintings: joey velasco

this painting, "hapag ng pag-asa" hangs near the table in columbus, and here in casa, and also in the corazon community - i'm sure it is other places as well...and only upon arriving here in the philippines, did i find out that there is a story behind each one of the children. after watching some youtube videos, i learned more.

joey painted this because he started noticing that his children were getting very picky about their food, they wanted to eat out a lot, etc...and so, he went to squatter areas, fed some of the children there, and took no more than 3 shots of some of the kids...he said he can't just draw out of the blue - he had to see a picture...and so, he then created this painting. well, after the completion of the painting, he realized he knew nothing about the kids, and so, he went back to find them, and learn more about them. it was then that he discovered their lives, and wrote, "they have jesus: the stories of the children of hapag" pretty amazing! since then, he started to raise some money for these children and their families.

hapag ng pag-asa (table of hope) // in actuality, this is not a table. it is a dilapidated cardboard box.

hapag ng pag-ibig (table of love) // this is the following painting velasco created to depict the contrast

something that i thought was VERY interesting, is that in the "hapag ng pag-asa", is that there are 11 filipinos, and 1 sudanese. the sudanese child is the one that is on the floor on the bottom left. as i mentioned earlier, velasco took pictures of the children to then create them into the last supper - well, this sudanese child is also from a photograph - from a photographer named kevin carter who won a '94 pulitizer prize for taking this photograph during the early '90s in sudan (if you have time, you should read about this story too - lots of articles on it) here's the picture:

taken by late photographer, kevin carter

all really interesting stuff i learned this afternoon with regards to joey velasco's art! it's really inspiring, and really awesome at the same time too. if you have free time/curious/want to learn more, definitely check out some youtube videos, or look up images on joey velasco. beautiful, inspiring paintings.

...i originally wrote this post intending to talk about my experience at the jail and learning more about the commission on human rights, here in the philippines - but that will wait! bedtime is approaching. thanks for reading! :)

st. camillus is proud.

because goodness is to be shared! :) check out the video of our friends, the camillian novices...personally, i thought it was pretty awesome to watch them choreograph their ideas, and to witness how disciplined they all are! i think it helps too that they're all really nice and talented too. performing to, "how beautiful." ...haha, so dramatic these guys are. haha, you'll see what i mean. enjoy!

ramblings for you

it's finally raining after a few days of no-rain-afternoons...and i have to say, it is quite refreshing. :) homemade hot ginger tea (totally domestic, i know), good music, and an open evening...sounds good to me! :) here we go!

so i thought i would just throw out random stories...things that have happened recently, to try to give you an idea of some of my journeys/reflections/travels here in baguio city:

* hot chocolate

= all of a sudden i developed this desire for hot chocolate. probably because i haven't had chocolate in about 2 months or more...i don't know what it was - but i found myself going from cafe, to cafe, to starbucks, to cafe, to mcdonalds, to jollibee, to get hot chocolate...really random, i know, but it has definitely been on the top of my beverage list, aside from water, of course. i'm not too fond of soda, i try to stay away from coffee (i'm hyper as is!), and tea always has my heart...but hot chocolate has become a favorite. here, they have like, native cocoa tablets (haha, i know, how native), and it's very rich and really good with milk. so that is a nice little treat that i have been having from time to time!

* strawberry shortcake

= i love strawberries. done.

* jiza 

= i was reminded of little jiza today, i don't know why - but she came to mind, and i thought about some of the special moments i got to share with her and her parents. jiza is one of the patients that was treated during the interplast mission at benguet general hospital...she is about 10 months old, and her need for treatment was pretty severe. she is blind, and her eyes don't open, because she was born without eye balls. the hole in her face is from her mouth all the way to her eye, forming somewhat of a "J." basically, when i met with jiza's parents and her uncle, her uncle explained to me that they ran some tests, and they were told to just come back the following sunday, and just MAYBE the doctors would be able to help treat her. // it was really difficult to see this little girl, however, watching the love and the hope that the parents had for their little girl seemed to be enough comfort for the whole situation - it was pretty remarkable. // i said to them, sana pwede magawa nila yong surgery sa kanya!, meaning (probably not grammatically correct), hopefully the doctors can do her surgery // the uncle responded, yeah, we trust the doctors' judgment and we are praying that it will be done...well, sure enough after 5 days passed, i saw them on that next sunday, and baby jiza was ready to be admitted to surgery...//after a couple of hours or so, i heard from the staff that jiza was finished! // it was such a relief. haha, again, i felt like i was waiting as much as the parents were! i asked the doctors if i could get her parents and tell them that she was done, and they said yeah, go get them! so i did - i got to go to the recovery ward where they were waiting, and got to accompany the dad to see his daughter! :) after he was suit up with his medical gown, i went to the waiting mom to be with her while she patiently and anxiously waited, and she said, i just want to know if she's ok? and so...i said, hold on! so i went to the recovery unit, took pictures of the dad holding baby jiza, showed the mom back in the lobby, and she just started crying! like, tears of joy...she was like, oh WOW! she was so happy, and it was such a precious moment to be a part of. such a blessing. // the doctors were able to stitch up the hole, and no, she is still not able to see, but now, the hole has been patched up, and baby jiza is on her way...and the mom is pregnant too, so another sister is on her way too! :) // this was just another example of another awesome moment i got to be a part of :)

* community

= one of our community members is studying social work, and she has received her field placement...meaning, she will be reporting to her field from now until march...which means...she will not be with us as frequent, as she will most likely be living in the barangay hall, and only coming back here when she absolutely must - she will be living about an hour and a half to two hours away...i'm SO sad!! we have been counting down till the date when we would discover her placement, and turns out, today, surprisingly, was the day. // i was on my computer in my room, just coming back from work, and she knocks on my door...and tells me, and BOOM. it was like, ahhhhh! i think i screamed so loud it echoed in the house, out of shock and disbelief, and then sadness!! we will miss her! it's really like, mission status.

* one

= i think the most difficult part about mission for me, is that, it's just me. i'm a communications major, and i am clinging to that, as the reason that i need to constantly communicate with people - i like to discuss things, understand people better, learn more, and just connect with people. here in the philippines, i'm still learning how to pick up nonverbal cues, filipino style. i'm trying to learn how the people here in the cordilleras communicate - it's not the same as manila (people always point that out to me, cause it is very different!). i'm learning that direct-ness needs to be done in the most loving, not direct way, while still trying to convey the point...yeah, i don't know about that one. // the difficult part is that i can't really process and unwind my day with people in close proximity to me - with another missioner, with someone who is kinda living the same thing, in the same context...of course, i have my friends who are currently serving on missions, or who have served on missions, and so, understand, but it is still very different // the philippines is a place of its own // each day has its challenges, i'll give you that...some days are easier than others, and some days i think to myself, what would michelle and mary do? // at the end of the day, i trust that i am here with the people that are helping to support and foster my time here too. what a blessing it is to have sr. terezinha be missioned here 5 months prior to me coming. // God is moving, that's for sure.

* micronesia

= do you even know where micronesia is? yeah, right? when i was in new york last year, i remember one of the seminarians i met was telling me about his ministry work in micronesia, how much time he spent there, what he did...and i remember saying, micro-what? does that place even exist? haha, prior to him mentioning it, i had no idea what he was talking about. all i remember is that after hearing him talk about it, i was like, wow, that is definitely a country i need to hit up, especially with regards to the issues surrounding women in that area. // then i remember sitting in the living room with mish in new york asking me, "crys, do you know where micronesia is?" haha, SO random - cause she met someone who did some service work out there...and then, seems a couple of weeks later, after praying for one of my best friends, charles, who was awaiting his placement with JVI, he gets placed in micronesia. i wonder if i sent those placement vibes to him and the JVI placement team. haha, crazy - and now, there's charles and his friend, tyler, there, who i've also been talking with. funny how certain places can have a special place in your heart because of the situation surrounding them.

* drum song and music

  = one of my good friends who i met last year chris, sent me a drum and some wonderful sheet music for the kids! chris was a volunteer with franciscan volunteer minitsry (FVM), and he is one of the most talented musicians i have ever met! seriously, he's really good. and such a great person. the drum has since been making appearances at mass, bible studies, and in my purse. yes, it is small enough to fit in my everyday bag, and large enough to make an awesome sound and keep a good beat. i have always wanted a drum to start my own drum circle...haha, and now, i have one! woohooo! you have no idea how awesome this is! :) crystal = grateful.

* seminarians

= yes, this gets its own bullet point because seminarians are very special people. the other day, my friend ivee and i, decided to visit some of our favorite novices (the camillians) who just came off of their 30 day retreat. haha - it was spontaneous in that we were at lunch and then came across the idea of...hey! let's go visit them! and so, we went. it was really awesome in that i got a tour of their beautiful community - the entire grounds including the garden, and got to see their chapel and everything. we got to watch them practice the drama/performance that they would be performing at the camillian gathering in manila. the only downside to our visit was that 1) i totally fell on the steps! RIGHT after lucky said to me, crystal, don't fall - oh, you won't fall cause your shoes are pretty sturdy...and sure enough, i fell RIGHT after he said that! from then on, i was holding onto the back of his shirt like i was his tail. 2) ivee broke her tooth eating the guava jam! hahaha...and NO those are not signs that we should not have gone. haha! // it was really nice to be in community with young men our age who love Jesus and who are prayerfully and joyfully preparing to be priests. good hearts they have. :) father reuben, their formation director is a great person too - all in all, it was a great time/place to hang out!

* relationships

= these are essential. no matter where, no matter when. some of my favorite moments in the past couple of weeks is when i run into people i know! crazy - crystal has friends now? what? i know. one day, i ran into a parent from SOSCFI and we caught up and talked about how her house is still recovering from the typhoon...she's in the process of trying to get her roof back up and situated, but i think she's being met with much difficulty :( then i remember running into someone from church - and we discussed our plans for an upcoming liturgy that we are in charge of coordinating...and then, i ran into an officer from the jail! // haha that was really funny cause i was leaving SM, and i saw this man, and he looked familiar, and then it occurred to me, he's from the jail! he wasn't in uniform, so i was taken aback. i knew who he was cause he said "hi ma'm" and acknowledged that he knew me, and so, it all clicked. haha, but i thought that was funny, cause the other day, i was walking past the jail, and another officer greeted me too. i'm really liking the fact that i can leisurely take my time, though walking on session road because there are always so many people, i try to weave in and out ( i think my new york pace of walking is NOT liked here in baguio ) out of the crowds...and when i finally get on the jeepney, i get exhausted! // but i'm really liking that this 'town feeling' is comfortable and warm. it's not intimidating, but rather inviting, and open to connections.

* relationships on mission

= one of the hardest things about mission - something that i thought about last year a lot, especially towards the end, is how there are inevitably times to have to say goodbye. i remember last year in new york living in the biggest, deepest denial of the need to say goodbye to my best friends and some of the close people around me because my one year of mission in new york was drawing to a close, and i was to prepare for my new two year mission in the philippines. it was really difficult - the transitions, the goodbyes, the not understanding how to go on in pursuing relationships while on mission, all of it was really difficult...and well, now, here i am, this time in the philippines for two years - making relationships, getting close to people, and one of the recent conversations i had with some of my friends here, was about them telling me about how they don't want to get too close because of the difficulty of dealing with the detachment later. and well, i gave them a piece of my mind and basically told them, don't do that. hahaha - there's no need. and i remember archangel telling me last year at the table in the kitchen in columbus, "God places you somewhere and then he says, that's enough now, and places you somewhere else." and who knows who i will meet along the way? hahaha, i thought that was funny, cause that's kinda what i picture - God saying...ok, you're done there, gotta move you somewhere new! it reminds me of the maryknoll quote, "The missioner goes to a place where he [she] is needed but not wanted, and stays until he [she] is wanted but not needed." so true. // and sure enough, that SAME day, later that night, i was talking to tyler kinda about the same thing - relationships in context of mission, and the fear, and the anxiety that can sometimes be involved, especially because of the time, and the distance, and the uncertainty and unknown. // one big mystery, but somehow we all get through it. :)

...and on that note, it's time for me to go. looking forward to choir practice at the jail tomorrow. this should be fun!

feast day! filipino style.

happy feast day of mother cabrini!

the plan was for mass to begin at 10am, and then have the program after...and then we had to be sure to be out by 12:45pm, because there was a meeting in that Hall at 1pm...well, it was already 10:30am, and the priest was stuck in traffic! so, what we did...was, we had to adapt. how appropriate for mission :)  and so, we had the program first, then the mass, ate our food, and then everyone headed home! it was a success, and everyone was all smiles :) i think mother cabrini would have been very very happy with the situation :) here are some video clips of the celebration, and some pictures at the end :) ....sorry for the lack of pictures! i was trying to play the keyboard and conduct the choir at the same time...so the pics are few :) enjoy!









here are the pics! :)

current cabrini companions renewing their commitment!

view from the back

the cute children seated on the altar. :)

dance from kalinga!

apparently this is also from kalinga! :)

first ever cabrini lay missionary from the philippines! :)

 yay! i got to read the second reading! :) pinky up. haha, hilarious.

time to eat!

vocation. don't be scared.

an awesome video on vocation. gifts, talents, passions...what to do? how to do it?

you won't find the answer in this video, BUT it is a great animation that will help you on your way to find out. :)

* thanks michelle (cabrini mission corps missioner with me, last year in NY!) for sharing! follow her blog: ledbyjoy.blogspot.com

math problems and backpacks

he was a good kid. i gave him math problems to do :)

the little girl's name is CRYSTAL! :)

baby sleeping is esmyra. i love how the moms converted the blankets to baby holders!

some of the babies awaiting their surgeries :)

this is joven, his mom, and his grandma.

he is a really good kid. :)

joven then got really angry, took his backpack, and tried to leave!

music unifies.

as you know, the feast day of mother cabrini is coming up on november 13th (just around the corner!), and we have been putting together the dancing and the singing for the mass, and other such performances. well, here is what the college kids came up with!

after our busy saturday mornings, the college kids and i usually hang out, meaning, take out the guitar and sing random songs. i'm really glad i decided to bring some music with me, because we usually end up singing praise and worship songs, and songs from the spirit & song book (i think i brought like 50 different song titles with me!)...well, turns out, most of us are lovers of "go light your world," and so, i suggested they sing, "go light your world" for the "college scholar" part of the feast day...and so, here is a little compilation of our practice and then them singing...it's not exactly 100% perfect...but it was fun, there was a lot of heart, a whole lot of faith and love, and a dedication to the cause!

and if you ask me, that's what matters! ...take your candle, and go light your world. :)

feel what you feel.

"i can see your heart is with the kids. you really love them...i hope you are able to have your dream of building an orphanage."

as soon as i walked into the ward this morning, i immediately saw lester and started talking to his "mom." she said, "you know, yesterday, he was getting his strength from you." i told her how moved i was, yesterday upon leaving the hospital after she had said that to me, and i was like, after i left - i got on the jeepney, and i just started crying! and she's like, "after you left, i started crying too! and so i left to the other room!" it became a really special moment that we laughingly cried about. :)

my camera is still sticky from lester's hands as he grabbed jello from his lunch tray and struggled to swallow it down, remnants of the chocolate milk which he did not enjoy drinking, and the little yakult bottle that he actually enjoyed...at least, for a little bit! today at the hospital was a tough day. most of the kids i left yesterday, were now recovering, but in the stage where the anesthesia was starting to wear out, and so the pain was starting to really make itself stronger.

today, i saw a lot of blood - coming out of their mouths, dried on their bedsheets, on their parents' shoulders (especially as the toddlers were being held), i heard a lot of crying...a lot. one child would cry, other patients would look, and then others would start crying. it was like a symphony...but, not as melodic? haha, but something stronger spoke to me, and that is that there was life there, in the ward.

lester...looking at life.

as i tried to take pictures and capture some of the emotional moments that i was able to witness, i realized, pictures do not even capture or reflect the emotion that is ever-so strongly present when i am sitting on the patient's bed, and talking with his/her caregiver or parent. pictures do not capture that feeling. pictures do not capture the LOVE that is present when i see exhausted parents wiping the drool and blood from their child's mouth and nose, or when i see the parents fighting to keep their eyes open, just to watch their child fall asleep.

lester, for instance, was brought to the hospital by a volunteer at the foundation, which is 6 hours away. she told me she worries for him, as if he is her own son, and i was happy when lester gave her permission to leave, as long as i stayed with him. so that's what i did. later that morning, one of the moms was not able to change her clothes in 24 hours, cause she had to take care of her baby, elijah, who underwent surgery too...so she was like, " can i ask you a favor? " and i was like, of course! i didn't know what she was going to ask me...i was like, uh oh...haha, she's like, "can you watch him while i change really quick?" and i'm like, of course! so baby elijah was alllll mine for those 10 minutes. awesome! :)

this is elijah!

 the doctors did 13 patients today, which is pretty amazing. like, beyond amazing. they are such a warm medical team - so loving, and very caring. in talking with them, and seeing their care for their patients, it is apparent that the team is not just a group of strangers that go in, do their "medical thing," and then leave. no, there is so much more to their mission, their sincere care, and their hearts can easily be felt. the other day, one of the doctors was eating, and a baby was brought into the lunchroom to see if anything could be done to help this 6 month old baby, weighing 3.6 kg - because of her cleft palate, she is malnourished because she can not eat. :( at any given time, the medical team makes themselves available - yes, even so, during emergencies at midnight. really awesome team. :) we are very blessed to have them here!

leaving the ward today was really difficult. most of the families i have befriended will be leaving over the weekend, as their children are now recovering. unfortunately i won't be able to go to the hospital tomorrow because we have our programming at SOSCFI. so, dreadfully, i realized, when i return back to the hospital next week, there will be no more lester, no more rafy, no more angelica, no more kevin, no more reynel...and so, i began my goodbyes. well, as soon as i began, i was just overwhelmed with sadness of leaving...and i just kept saying, "i don't want to leave!" the parents watched me, and they started tearing up too, and they said, "i can see you really love the kids," "thank you for being here with us" and i was like, a situation.

first off though - is that, i think it's really crazy how close i felt with these families after not even spending full 24 hours with them! i woke up this morning, antiicipating to see them, and so, having to say goodbye to them tonight was really sad for me. 

lester heard that i was leaving, and the next thing you know, he started getting really feisty. lying on his bed, he started throwing things, and having a hardcore tantrum...by then, i was already teary-eyed, and said bye to him, but he wouldn't look at me, he shrugged his shoulders, and i said bye, gave him a hug, and still, he would not get up. :( i thought to myself...this isn't the first time someone just left him so abruptly. but i was blessed by him, and by the volunteer that brought him there, because she was the one who told me, "i hope you are able to have your dream of building an orphanage." she told me how happy she and all of the patients were, that i was there.

as i struggled to say bye to the rest of the families, they just continued to affirm me - i was like, ok, NOW this is too much to handle! one father called me a child-lover, the moms told me that i am a REAL filipina cause of the color of my skin, and the fact that i was there, and they affirmed my struggling tagalog skills. :) some of them also said, thank goodness - a YOUNG missionary! :)

lester was having fun taking photos... so i took advantage. haha!

i think what really moved me the most in my past 3 days that i have spent at the hospital, is that there was so much strength, love, and care on every bed that was piled into the recovery room. some of the dads took over some of the vacant beds because they went without sleep for 48 hours straight. these families traveled many, many hours to get here, with the little money that they have, carrying change of clothes, snacks, and toiletries. there was a lot of sacrifice, but they were ALL so grateful. SO grateful. when i recorded some of the parents speaking on anything - i told them, just say something about interplast or about your experience, and, they just expressed thanksgiving and gratitude.

and so, that's all i got. it was a long day. when i look at my rings i wear, i think about how lester wore them as he fell asleep, and held onto them so tightly - even though my promise ring fell under his bed and i thought it was lost! i actually realized that i would not have minded...it was a comfort to him. and i was more than ok with that. :)

this makes me smile!

will i ever see these kids again? God only knows. 

and i trust God's judgment and timing. :)