more than a list.

i have been doing quite a lot of reflecting in the past couple of days, more specifically from yesterday, and so, here are some thoughts...in no particular order, but i figure i would simply type away as i so frequently do - raw stream of consciousness...oh goodie, my favorite! here we go!

i have learned that mission is not only the beautiful photos of children, cultural practices and traditions and heartfelt moments that i experience. mission is more than a surface level engagement - it is one that hits deep within, making me wonder sometimes what that specific moment was that caused my emotional shell to shake a little bit. or if it was a culmination of events? mission is not just walking place to place, walking in the rain, using an umbrella that only covers one side of my body as the water pours from both directions - i have learned that mission is also learning how to sit still and to LISTEN to what people are saying and not saying through the cross-cultural exchange of body language and dialect spoken. mission is not just doing activities and leading modules to keep the people busy, it is conducting these programs for a purpose and clear vision in mind - one that will strengthen, encourage, empower, and/or educate. mission is not just loving the fact that the children love to sing, dance, and perform - these are times to help build confidence, hone the natural skills, and bring attention to the gifts that each of the children have been given. mission is not just throwing out my opinion and expecting everyone to follow. mission is speaking, and also remembering that sometimes i'm speaking too fast. so i need to speak slower. and listen to what i am saying. mission is made up of high-fives and pats on the back after successful programming, but it is also tears, sweat, frustrations, and lots of to-do lists through the entire process. mission is not about isolated incidents, mission is all about relationships.

mission is learning my limits, learning how to say no to the things that i do not have time for and things i refuse to make time for, but mission is also saying yes, to healthy challenges, to being stretched, but not stretched thin, and to saying yes to spread the love of Christ everywhere i go. mission is accepting the fact that i am only responsible for myself and my actions and acknowledging that i am never alone on my every day ventures. mission is relying on prayer and realizing that i need way more sleep here than i ever did, living elsewhere. mission is leaving my house and walking to the jeepney with prayer in my heart, with no idea what surprises the day has in store for me. mission is looking at the people seated next to me in the jeepney, wondering what they did all day, and wanting to find out how many mouths they have to feed for dinner and who is at home with their little ones. mission is noticing the shifts in attitudes of the juveniles at the jail and having conversations with them about their week. mission is sincerely caring and never doing anything because i am forced to or because of an imposed "should" statement. mission is staying true to my word and being consistent with my jail visits. mission is learning about other religious congregations and being in solidarity with other volunteers that work to build sustainable communities and have the same vision of empowerment and hope for progress.

mission is not imposing my american-ness or my catholic faith unto others, but to bring who i am to the table and bringing in additional seats when necessary. all are always welcome. mission never gets put on hold, but breaks are indeed necessary. especially during summer months. mission is walking around in my rainbow sandals that remind me everyday of southern california, and walking around in my pink rainboots in the afternoon as soon as the grey clouds set in over the city. mission is learning how to be healthy - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and learning how to be intentional about feeding each of those areas of my life. mission needs balance. thank goodness i'm a libra, because i too, crave that balance for my life.

mission is a challenge - it is painful sometimes, so much to the point of tears and long-distance phone calls to familiar voices on the other end for some words of wisdom, at times.. mission is not just the happy stories. mission is tragic. but mission is also beautiful in its own ways, everyday. mission is the life i lead and i am affirmed everyday. the affirmation is a gift - even without the affirmation, i am on my mission because i believe in it.

mission is leading, even if only one person is walking alongside me. mission is being an advocate for, and fighting for, and working towards, and moving forward, and walking, sometimes running, but always knowing when to sit, get rest, stop for a little bit, and rest my eyes early, even if it is on a saturday night. mission is falling asleep as soon as i plop myself in bed, not realizing till the morning how tired the week made me. mission is being gentle with myself and extending grace to myself and to others, even in the most exasperating moments. mission is happy times and being hopeful and trusting in that voice i heard in my heart and continue to hear through others who surround me, mission is light.

continual consolation

today was a gift for me.

yesterday and today, i realized that something i was missing during my time here in the philippines, is LEARNing more about mission. don't get me wrong - i am learning SO much here on mission, in the sense that i am DOing mission, i am LIVing mission...but after moments of reflection yesterday and today with sr. t and one of our collaborators, i realized, i want to learn more of the theology behind mission, and read scripture more to get a better understanding of mission. what i know of mission is what i have read and experienced so far, but there's so much more than that!

so today at mass i was sitting in the pew just reflecting on our morning's reflections on the first two canticles of isaiah...and then i said, sister, is there a degree for missiology? i didn't really expect her to say yes...but then she said, "yes. you can get your masters. i got my masters in missiology!" i almost fell over. amazing! THAT is why she is so wise - girlfriend has experience! haha i recall her saying that if she ever gets shipped back to brazil with no prior notice she will say, "can i go home first and at least get my books?" haha, that is why! and so, i am so grateful because i told her she will be my teacher, to teach me...because well, i think my mental nodes need some exercising, for sure. and in mission? exactly what i'm looking for. just perfect :)

reflecting on the first two canticles of isaiah was very refreshing, appropriate, and so on target to helping us get focused for the upcoming school year. we reflected on our call, on the challenges, and the method to our mission. it was all in all a beautiful morning, and we continued our day with meeting with our parish priest, that afternoon, to find out how we can be used more to serve the congregation...soooo looks like we will be teaching catechism to get more kids baptized, prepare them for holy communion, and then get them confirmed! :) amazing. never thought i would ever be a full blown catechist, but turns out now i can say that my training to be a catechist was all in the philippines! so good.

the blessing of today is the continual affirmation that sr. and i have inserted ourselves into community and are part of a parish! it is SUCH a blessing to be able to go to the church at any time, and be greeted with hugs and kisses and warm greetings by the people in the office and in the church - usually followed by, "where have you been?" even though we we were just there a couple of days ago! haha! such wonderful, gracious people, and i am so thankful for our community there. i think another huge blessing is that the priest we are working with, is a CICM priest - he is a missionary...congregation of the immaculate heart of mary. it is just such a perfect combination because sr and i function under mother cabrini as missionaries, and he too, is very mission-minded, and his missionary spirit is alive and thriving. we witnessed him literally revive the church, both its outside and its inside with the congregation, and his impact is pretty amazing and inspiring within the neighboring communities.

so to be able to have this partnership with a priest that shares the same vision as our mission in being here? perfect. just perfect. he is also wonderful at community organizing and questioning the reasons for having this group or having that group - he is definitely one about quality, effectiveness, and sustainability. so great!

just in the past couple of days more than ever, i have felt the push ever so strongly to really work towards this mission that i have been called to. it's not even about "fulfilling the need," so much that it is more about following through and going for it with all the passion that i have in my heart for this cause. when things get tough, we are reminded to go back to the root of our calling, as mentioned in the first canticle of isaiah - that we have been called to every nation...that is NOT to be taken lightly! what a gift that is! and it's really true - when you believe in a cause 100% and then some...you work. you tire, but you work. and that is what we have really been doing for this past week. when discouragement sets in, when giving up becomes an option, we are reminded - have hope and do not lose courage, for we are not alone in this!

and what beautiful consolation that is. things are much more easier when we don't have to do things alone. right? right.

do not let your hearts be troubled.

and so, after a brief hiatus from blog posting, here is a little glimpse into my yesterday and today. :)

FREEZE!
yesterday, i spent the morning participating in theater games and eventually teaching some theater games to the kids at an NGO here in baguio city...it was a free day for me, so of course i would end up at an NGO! i heard a lot of great things about the place and since we partner with them on some programs, thought i would check it out :) it was so fun being able to play improvisational games again (last time was in high school!) and to witness the confidence level of these kids who have suffered greatly, at their young age. i assume their leadership and confidence level were not at these high levels, prior to joining this organization. just purely amazing!

Before leaving, i was able to reflect on the tremendous talent i saw within these kids and i thought about the kids that i work with every week at my NGO also. and then i thought about the other kids in baguio, who too, are involved with NGO's, and how we need to really work on this networking, just a little bit more. and so...the wheels of my mind started going, and so, i have some projects ahead of me! really excited about it, and excited to have other volunteer friends here, that could further this collaboration. yes!

i left that building, skipping and ready to continue my day at starbucks, catching up on emails, updates for friends and fam back home, and to catch up on life, a little bit...as i headed up to town, i thought, hmm maybe i should go to mass first. so i did. i was a little fidgety, especially as there was a super loud singing competition going on RIGHT outside of church, but that's ok, i was able to handle myself and not make it seem like i was TOO disturbed.

CHURCH STOP
but then i thought of vocation, go figure. and then i reflected on vocations week at SLU, and then i thought of my capuchin novice friends and how much i missed them, but then i got excited at the prospect of seeing them that week at SLU. and then the next thing you know, i look a few pews in front of me, and i see the capuchin hoodies! i saw one of my capuchin novice friends, and it was so wonderful! after mass, i chatted with him, got the scoop on his life and heard the update on who was still present, and who left :( when i asked him, brother, you're not going to leave though, right? he said, "me? no! that would be a disgrace to my God!" and then i said, "brother, you're awesome!" hahaha. as i left church, i thought wow, how funny it is that i got to spend some good quality conversations with CICM seminarians a couple of days prior, and then i was able to reunite with one of my favorite capuchins. it was definitely a blessing! :)

FIL-AM I AM
as i finally made my way to starbucks and started to catch up on things that i had put on the backburner, i reflected lots on how i blend in with the crowd. starbucks is such an interesting experience because you see LOTS of foreigners - perhaps that is the place that brings familiarity, a sense of home, to most (including myself), and so, it is fairly often that i see the same people in there, from time to time. it's like, united nations/it's a small world all up in that coffee shop. but i thought about how as a filipina-american, i internalize all of my experiences very differently.

from one end, the filipina side of me does not have to worry about being stared at or looked at uncomfortably as a tourist or a foreigner - for i blend in, and so i can take advantage of that. as an american, i think - wow, i'm learning so much just by sitting here and observing this culture. and then i hear filipinos speak about tourists sometimes, and yes, sometimes though, that is certainly uncomfortable! but i usually don't mind it.

lots of identity issues come up when you are a filipina-american serving in the PI, and it is all worth exploring. the connections are different, the approach in communities is different, and it takes a strong sense of self to be able to accept that i do NOT fluently speak the filipino languages/dialects here, and that is ok. i have found for the most part though, that the communities feel happy that i spend my time with them. i try to communicate to them that WITH them, is exactly where i want to be! :) it's just honesty, that's all it is. :)

HELPFUL TANGENTS
today we had a meeting and evaluated some of the past major programming we held with our families - parents and high school students, and as always, other points came into our discussion. usually i am one to stick to the agenda because that is most efficient and that ensures that no item gets left untouched...and getting off on tangents, pet peeve - i don't like getting off on tangents because i think it wastes time. i think that's why i like to facilitate meetings...to ensure that we do NOT get off topic. haha, just an observation. :) BUT, something i have learned here on mission, is of course, flexibility. i am flexible until it becomes inefficient and time-consuming, then it is time to get back to the agenda. but today was different...

while we evaluated the activities and the programming we put on in the past couple of weeks, we started talking about our work in general. i have been reflecting a lot on how important it is to really question the things we do, and WHY we do them. it is not simply enough for me to DO an arts activity with the kids because it is FUN. no, that is wasted time and energy, and it is not fully focused on the empowerment of our kids...yes, arts are great, and i am the #1 fan of it, but activities are NOT effective if they are only done, simply to give the children something to do.

the questions we raised are, "how do we empower the poor?" working with the poorest of the poor - it's not easy. it's not glamorous. sometimes this can be glamorized because they are the "best" pictures - showing the innocence of children and the candidness of their actions...but going back to the question, how can we empower the poor? through our work with our NGO, through all of our focused efforts - how may we be most effective?

though the reality is that we certainly DO work with the poor, and that is the reality they live in, yes, we are to be in solidarity with them as our brothers and sisters, but we do NOT need to function and live in this reality. rather, we are to join forces with one another, and empower one another to rise in confidence and leadership among our communities - despite any economic hardships or circumstances.

through education, we can be better, and we can walk with one another to be better - for ourselves, for our families, for our communities. even little things like, calling people by their first names is a way to affirm - you are not just another child i see every saturday, you do not blend in the crowd, i know you. i know your name, and i will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve. every minute i spend with the children and in the communities at my NGO, i see it as a moment to build those relationships, and to treat the children to something different than what they are used to in school or in their communities.

the question is, how are we to be most effective with the communities we serve and work with? the moments of discovery and exploration take a while, especially as we begin to build trust and friendship among our families, but through solidarity, it is important to remember it is not an "us" and a "them," our families are not "projects" to be worked on.

3 FOOT MIRACLE
the other day, i witnessed a miracle. i want to say a miracle because it came out of nowhere and it was the LAST thing that i saw coming.

one of the kids i work with is not exactly well-behaved, and i always have a problem with having him sit still, and always tell him to stop erasing what i write on the whiteboard! well, the other day, i was able to introduce him to one of my friends via skype, and i spent some time with the kids explaining to them how skype works. i think it was interesting for them because they had never seen anything like it! and my friend was in NY too, so i think that difference got them even more interested!

anyway, a couple of days later at our easter mass, i saw him again, said hi, and he was SO well behaved! he was not running around, he was just seated, and as he and his mom left, and i bid everyone farewell, he stopped in the middle of the street, let go of his mom's hand, turned around and waved, and said, byeeeeeee ate crystal!!! i almost fell over and thought to myself, did that really happen? haha, i did not even think he knew my name! and THAT, was definitely a little miracle that i experienced! :) but i attribute that moment to the fact that i was able to spend just a little time with him, not telling him, "don't do this" or "don't do that," bur rather that i was able to teach him about something that was of interest to him.

VIBRANCE
after today's lengthy meeting that was super productive, sr. t and i had a moment of reflection with one of our cabrini collaboraters, and this meeting was to prepare us for our mission work that we had ahead of us this year. with the vision to build leaders among our barangays and with the parents and children in our bible studies, we too, had to make sure that we were equipped and focused on our mission for the year. and so, we talked what it means to lead life as a VIBRANT missionary, we talked on how to discern the signs of God working in our life, and we also talked responding to God with passion.

PASSION
that word right there. passion. that is EVERYTHING. i say it is everything because it is through passion that i find i, myself, can be most effective. if i am a missioner, but without passion or zeal for my role, how may i carry out the mission that i believe i am to spread to others? how will i be effective? it simply will not work, and my role as a missioner is incomplete. not to mention, i would just be wasting energy!

i think the most perfect example of this is when i was working for news corp...we would always have to do role plays because when we have client meetings, we need to be prepared and be ready to answer any question they have! well, when i would do my role plays, my body would not feel right. one, i was super nervous, but two, i realized, i did not believe in what i was saying! that's why i was not doing well - sure i believed the products were great and would result in a high sales lift (perhaps), but i did not really CARE about it.

i worked hard because that was my work ethic and i practiced like crazy my sales pitch and everything, but i recall having to try so HARD...and it was never good enough. and i never felt 100% comfortable with the words i felt i had to memorize. it just did not fit with me. my schpeel was definitely not coming from my heart, but rather from my head, making sure to hit the key points that would for sure guarantee a sale. i was told i had a personality that people would buy from...but i don't think i cared as much for that, than i did in delivering error-free reports and quality consultation for their business.

ENOUGH FOR NOW
and now, i find that when i speak about missions, when i speak on my experience with working on the grassroots level within communities, i can't shut up. there is nothing to memorize, and rarely does anything come speaking out of my head - it comes straight from my heart of experience. clearly, this is blog post itself is going on longer than originally expected! and that is affirmation for me. that this is where i am supposed to be.

but that's just it... when there is passion around something, i find that i personally, work better and harder. sometimes it takes a while to realize that passion...but when it makes itself known, you all of a sudden have this great sense of energy to continue on that path. but what's important, is that 100%. a portion of self does not suffice for the plans ahead. and so, i leave you with this quote:

...if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it. -Hardy D. Jackson

each line is magic!

desiderata. by max ehrmann.

read this poem slowly! it's pretty powerful :)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.