looking in the mirror

first, if i meet a local filipino or another foreigner for that matter, they see me, they expect me to speak like a filipina, but instead what comes out is english - and "california style, slang" english (according to the majority here!) and so, here's the usual exchange, after i see a confused look on their face:


me: i'm a fil-am. my parents are both from the philippines, but i was born and raised in california.
he/she: oh really? where are your parents from in the philippines?
me: my mom is from manila, and my dad is from pangasinan.
he/she: oh! do you speak pangasinense (sp?)?
me: nope! i have yet to visit their area. i usually stay with my family in manila when i visit my relatives.
he/she: oh, ok, you should do that soon. so what do you do here?
me: i'm a missioner with the cabrini sisters - i work at an NGO and i work with indigent families, i teach catechism at an elementary school, and i also do social work programs and prison ministry too.
he/she: oh wow, good for you - that's nice that you came back to the philippines. and you're so young! how old are you? did you finish college? what course did you take?


it's really funny too - whenever i am with my peace corps friends, no one really cares to talk to me, because well, it is easily assumed that i am hosting the peace corps kids as their translator or like, their "filipino" companion/chaperone when we go out. once, i was even pushed out of the way because one of the telecasters wanted to interview my peace corps friend to ask her what she thought of america. haha, i was like, HEY! i'm american too! there are pluses and minuses to being a fil-am...it's nice to blend in once in a while, but also sometimes people don't really care to talk to me because they assume i am a full-blooded filipina like everyone else. but HEY i'm interesting too, right?


haha, or when i speak english because i serve at mass as a lector/commentator...people's faces look confused, and then father generally introduces me to ease any confusion. haha...and no, i am not trying to act high-class or more educated because i speak english the way i do...it's simply because, well, it's my first language. haha, and so, that's that!


and so, with that conversation that happens pretty much 5-7 times a week (for real), this reflection came about...enjoy! :)


http://www.oyemagazine.org/articles/article-type/07/13/2011/what-does-missionary-look-anyway

let go [and let God]

on Mt 11: 25-30...(from The Anawim Way)

Jesus is talking about true humility in today’s gospel – the recognition that we do not know everything, and that we are not in charge of everything. If we are little, we know that we are not the ones who made the world; nor did we make all the rules about what is right and wrong. Even our own lives are gifts to us. To be little is also to recall our sin and that Jesus is the one who saves us from our sin. To be little is to follow God and not to tell him how we think things should be, but to let God tell us how things should be, and to know that he is right.

At prayer, Sr. T and I reflected on the gospel a while back when Jesus said (along the lines of), everything has not yet been revealed to you because it is not yet time…and well, we reflected on this gospel, everything came together for us. I love how we are both external processors, and so, our prayer times together become one joint discernment on a matter, in the chapel. It’s brilliant.

I recall a conversation with my mom, where I was just venting a lot of my frustrations with some of the challenges and obstacles I am facing here, and my mom blatantly said to me, “well, crys, you can’t control everything.” In that simple phrase which she said, I realized, wow, she’s right. I’m not in control – I never was, I never will be…and I am not functioning here 100% completely on my own. To say that and claim that I was, would be quite incorrect of me, and pretty presumptuous at the same time.

I reflect on this Gospel and I think it is an important one. I think the reflection does a good job of laying everything out there too.

I guess specifically, here on mission, it is not an easy ride. It’s not just cruisin’ through and traveling and all roses. It just isn’t – if that was the truth, then no doubt I think everybody would jump on this bandwagon! On the flip side, living mission is living reality…staring at reality in the face, many times literally making decisions and discussing and working with the faces of our brothers and sisters who are in serious need. It’s not easy!

But the consolation here, is that I am not in charge. I am not in control. Yes, sometimes I may think that I know what is best, but true humility at its core, is knowing my place and accepting that I do not know everything. And that is difficult, especially when there is a lot of passion for a cause, involved. But, again, I do not know everything. Wow, the reality!

That does not mean that I am not able to make change because yes, I have learned how to speak out and share my insights and take action towards the progressive change that I first-handedly witness and want to see accomplished…but rather, I am reminded to walk with true humility. I am not in charge – and in a sense, thank God for that! sometimes I think it would be easier if I just jumped to the top (I tend to try to do that sometimes), but at the same time, I am still discovering my traits as a leader and learning how to mobilize myself, to be most effective to serve others in community. everyday is a new chance to learn…and sometimes my frustrations do overshadow the “learning moments.” But those “learning moments” eventually surface themselves, so that’s a good thing.

When passion runs deep and there is the feeling of helplessness, it can certainly get discouraging and it can be easy to just try to take control and take charge. But the catch is that in every action, we are still called to follow God – yes, I can vent my frustrations, and fight all I want, but at the end of the day, the way of God will prevail, and it is important to trust in that. Trust. What a concept. And to not lose hope. Hopelessness – another common feeling of volunteers and missioners and the like (all who attempt to do good and make change)… but, through those pitfalls, it is important to rise back up and overcome.

“Even our own lives are gifts to us.” I agree! My life is a blessing and I pray that I may continue to listen closely to the call of God, in order that I may follow, and live the most fulfilling life that was planned for me. I’m looking forward to discovering this! How beautiful it would be if we, everyday, treated our lives as an absolute gift.

 

st. maria goretti - an inspiration.

wednesday, july 6: feast of maria goretti

a little late in posting this, but here we go...

i am fascinated by st. maria goretti, i am inspired by her, and every time i hear her story, i get the chills. here is a brief excerpt on her life, from The Anawim Way:

Maria Goretti, the daughter of a poor Italian tenant-farmer, was born in Corinaldi, Italy, in 1890. she had a difficult childhood working hard to help her family, and never learned to read or write because she was not able to attend school. Alessandro, a neighbor, began making advances on her when she was eleven. She never told her mother because she feared he would harm the family. Several months later he demanded that she submit to him, but she refused. He seized her, and as she struggled, Maria said, “No, God does not wish it. It is a sin. You would go to hell for it.” Alessandro struck her with a long dagger eleven times. Maria chose to die rather than sin. Before she died, she forgave Alessandro and prayed that they would be in heaven together some day. While in prison Allesandro repented, and both he and Maria’s mother were at her canonization in 1950. She is patroness of teenage girls, a martyr for purity.

i mean, wow, really? taking into consideration my vision for a world free of human trafficking, prostitution, and all abuse, especially that affecting women and children, st. maria goretti is my go-to. when i work with the girls at SOSCFI and hear their stories, i begin to think, st. maria goretti, help us! when i work with the high school girls in my girls club and try my hardest to teach them positive values, life skills, and empower them with the talents and skills they already naturally possess, st. maria goretti is the one.

i feel like i need to start seeking the prayers of st. maria goretti more – especially given all of the things i just mentioned. but really, she is one of my favorites, and i hope that if ever i am faced in a threatening situation, in any way, i pray that i may have the faith, boldness, conviction and courage to call upon the Lord in such a strong, profound way. so inspiring!

the gospel of this day was especially moving to me, and thought i would share it with you from The Anawim Way:

…on Mt 10:1-7

God works with ordinary people to establish his kingdom on earth. No one is excluded. It doesn’t matter who we are, what our gifts are, or what our weaknesses are. Each one of us has to say in faith, god has chosen me; I do not know why but he has. It is part of the mystery of God’s love. when God calls us, he has a great work, a great plan, a great hope ready to emerge from our response. He knows better than we how each one of us can be his instrument in helping to change the world.

at prayer, sr. t and i reflected on this beautiful scripture and discussed how, so many times we are just completely baffled by the work that God is moving in us to accomplish, and we have realized that it is all great privilege. i see it as a responsibility and an opportunity, and what a blessing it is. “God has chosen me; I do not know why but he has.” and because of that, i am called to respond…and it is up to me how i choose to do that. i have come to find out though, that with the determination and the desire to find out how i can serve as that instrument to help change the world, God will bless that and indeed reveal to me, when ready [it is time], how i am to do so.

i think about my life right now as a missioner, and i reflect on all of the many ways the lord has just surprised me with my next steps on mission. looking back, i had no idea that i would handle so many types of apostolate work. but apparently, it’s true – when we are open and choose to respond to the call, we will be used to serve others. and it’s such a blessing! difficult, very challenging, but it is a blessing – and it gets easier, and it gets better, and it is life-giving. that’s affirmation right there. :)

peace. be. with. you. [always]

i have come to realize that one of my most favorite parts of the mass is when the priest says, “let us now offer each other the sign of peace.” i realized it today when i was at mass this afternoon with my maryknoll family…the mother of one of the staff member’s passed away, and so, we had a mass for her mother, now that 30 days had passed. during the kiss of peace – i felt joy, i saw lots of smiles, and i reflected on that for a little bit.

the mass was solemn, it was a good one, and we talked about God’s presence from the beginning until the end of our lives and how eternal life is with God. the mass was not set under a, “we are all gonna die - be ready” tone, but it was a faithful topic to reflect on. anyway, during the sign of peace, joy filled the room and it was very apparent to me.

recently, i have been realizing that this is one of my favorite parts of the mass because 1) we are able to talk, express our emotion to the people we are seated next to, and we are not forced to just stare straight ahead at the altar ahead of us…instead, we are given permission to talk! and express ourselves to our neighbor…to the body of christ. that, which is community! i also thought about how 2) we all need peace, and it is a beautiful part of the mass where we are able to reconcile with others, ourselves, and even if for a brief moment, we can make eye contact with a stranger and wish he/she peace. i think it’s pretty powerful.

even within families, the reconciliation is possible even at that brief moment. sometimes the kiss of peace is really powerful – when goodbyes have to happen or moments of transition are about to occur, at mass, yes, it is possible to just start breaking down after those wholesome hugs and ways of sharing peace. some of my most favorite moments happen during this time…

attaining peace internally can sometimes be a challenge, and that is why i am glad it is included in the mass…each and every time. in a way, i look at it as jesus saying, yes, crystal, have peace with yourself too – you’re doin' a good job. i’m proud of you, and i love you. haha clearly that is something that i have needed to hear recently!

on the flip side, sometimes it is really sad when i realize that i have run out of people to say, “peace be with you” to…and then i think about how much i miss my family and friends. while i have enjoyed going to mass by myself here in baguio city, i have realized that it is kinda sad too – and i do miss going to mass with faces from back home.

but soon enough, it shall happen! and for now, i will continue to share my peace with those i am physically far away from. prayers go a long way…good thing God transcends all space and time. distance has nothin’ on us.