not by chance

it's pretty amazing what can happen while sitting in a coffee shop. this is a story of my meeting with a complete stranger, and by God's grace, i'm pretty sure, 200%, everything happened just as it was supposed to, in fact, as i sat, talking to this complete stranger, i thought to myself, "wow God, you knew this was gonna happen, didn't You?" and so, here is my story:

walked into my favorite coffee shop (aka the only coffee shop in baguio city, so it sometimes seems), tired from a long day at the office, and just needed to catch up on work that i had procrastinated on. i look around for an electrical outlet to plug in my battery-drained laptop, and i find one - right in the corner, next to a guy who could have been my age, long hair, flip flops, friendly-looking very much surfer like. i put a book down in the chair, and asked him if he could save my spot, while i went to buy a cookie, and i think he was alarmed mostly that i did not sound like a local filipino.

he was nice enough to help me plug in my battery charger, and when i got back to the seat, i saw he put the wireless password right in front of me on the table, as a subtle way to share the knowledge. nice gestures all around, and so i started some conversation - where are you from? what are you doing here? etc...the usual small talk. he answered, was a little reserved, but answered the questions, and i learned that he was "just chillin in baguio for some vacation." he didn't really elaborate, and i didn't think i knew him well enough to keep probing for questions like my usual curiosity likes to do...so then we went back to doing our work, but because we were facing each other, we made sure to avoid awkward moments where we could potentially make eye contact. and no, this wasn't like a, oohh coffeeshop love story potential moment - in fact, very far from it. if anything, the aura i felt, was that, homie wanted to make conversation, but there was a fight within him to start.

so his way of starting conversation and breaking the silence was by saying, "hey, we can share the table so you could put your laptop on it." i said, "no, it's ok, but thanks! i'm fine." ten seconds later, he said, "can you not refuse my offer? i might get mad (he said it jokingly, don't worry. haha)" and so then i was like, "haha, ok, fine!" so then i put my laptop on the table, which was a big help actually, and then he removed his laptop, and i said, "no! we have to share!" so then that opened up conversation. it was a situation. but it worked out!

so then in a half second moment, he said, "so, do you live here or are you vacationing?" i told him i was a missionary, and he said, "WHOA! like, vocation?" and immediately, i was like, oh hey! you're speaking my kinda language. he told me he was catholic and went to a catholic school and what not, growing up...he asked me what my work was, i told him all about it, and he was all ears. i think this was the first time i saw someone get so excited (like, wide open eyes!) about hearing the fact that i was a missioner, and hearing the details regarding the work i do out here...he asked questions, and he definitely showed interest. it was really bizarre, but i thought it was pretty cool, so i went with it! we know how i can just talk...

so then, i asked him again, "so what are you doing here again? i don't get it." he then opened up to me and told me, he actually ran away from home. after he heard my schpeel about the foundation that i work at, he said, " hmm maybe i can visit sometime? " i said, "yeah, sure!" and he said, " i think i need a counselor. do you think there's someone that i can talk to?" as soon as he said that, i closed my laptop, and said, "ok, homie, you can talk to me. what's goin' on?" within two seconds, he just started on his situation. he shared with me the stories of his family, why he ran away, how he feels, what he wants, and he just continued sharing his feelings.

what i was blown away by, was his true authenticity and how i could feel that he really was troubled emotionally, by the problems he had, and how he just wanted to be loved by his mom. he felt that his mom was spending too much time at work, and as a result, he abandoned home and just went off doing his own thing. he then showed me a fb message of how his father misses him and just wants to know that his son is ok...beyond that, was a series of messages that his father sent him, but he didn't reply to any of them. he shared with me his family history and background, and i just listened and listened and listened.

let me back up a moment - that very day, i spent that morning at a counseling seminar and learned about its psycho-spiritual relation to Jesus' approach when mentoring others...not gonna lie, i zoned out many times and only attended the half-day because i could not sit there for the whole thing. so i am sitting with this kid, 5 hours later, counseling and advising, and i think to myself, "really God?  dang, Holy Spirit, you work quickly!" (i also probably should have paid more attention at the morning session!)

and so, he asked me what i thought, and it was so surprising because many of the things he shared with me were similar things that i have experienced in the past - separated parents, trying your best to do well and excel, pretty typical teenage things. i affirmed what homie shared with me, and i shared with him too some of my same experiences from the past. when i shared those moments, he was so surprised that he was able to relate to me - he kept asking me questions about how i dealt with this and that and the challenges...and i just shared openly with him. it was very comfortable, and i told him, "listen, you just need to be honest and speak from your heart and no matter how your mom reacts to what you say, she can not deny your feelings - if they are honest, AND if they come from a place of love. at least she will know how you feel." after sharing with him some stories, he told me that he wishes he could muster up the same courage that i had. i told him to pray before he talks with his mom, and to make SURE that he comes from a place of LOVE, otherwise it may not necessarily be received as well. / really vague overview of our conversation, but that was the gist of it. :)

our conversation went for a good forty minutes or so, and i kept thinking, dang, who is this kid? i found out he is 18 and he was just going around baguio, taking some time away from home to think. he lived 8 hours away by bus.

as he was packing up, he showed me a book he had in his backpack. it was "purpose driven life" and he said he wants to start reading it with his mom, so they can read it together and then discuss it, like a "normal family." i told him the author lived near to me in southern california, and he thought that was a cool connection. i thought so too! when he showed me that, i thought to myself, "wow, God. is this You telling me to not be scared of this kid?" it was as if i heard in my head someone saying, "don't worry. it's ok to talk to him." of course, i always have to be on guard with these random conversations, but this one was different.

he had to leave and asked if we could meet up again to keep talking. and i said yeah, for sure! we made plans to meet up for breakfast and then he started to walk away, and i was like, homie. you don't even know my name! and then he said, "you're seminary girl." and he walked away.

he walked away and the whole evening i replayed moments from that chance encounter. it just seemed so too ironic that that very morning, i was attending a seminar on counseling, and then this afternoon, this kid straight up talks about his need to speak to someone about some life challenges. some challenges that i was very much able to relate to. i was glad to be there, and i feel like it was not just by chance. i kept thinking to myself, "i hope i said the right thing. i hope i said the right thing." and i felt like i shared with him the best that i could.

the next morning, i showed up to the spot for our breakfast meeting, and he did not show. now, while that usually would make me feel super rejected and make me feel as if i totally got stood up (which i DID get stood up!), it did not bother me one bit. why? because i ended up using that time to write in my journal about it. and to reflect about it. and to eat a good breakfast. :)

i came up with the conclusion that i'm glad he didn't show up. there wasn't anything else that needed to be said or discussed, and the rest was up to him, and i listened and i said what i felt that i needed to say - to help him (as best as i could). moreso, i prayed that he was on a bus home.

and so my conclusion?

i have concluded that he may just have been an angel. i don't have any other explanation, and i don't believe it "just happened" for the heck of it. nope, he may have helped me reveal part of my vocation and he has definitely left a mark with me. to this day, i still pray for him and for peace in his family. while i will never know what is, why that happened, and what comes next for him, no doubt that we had a grace-filled conversation.

upon beginning to reflect on this conversation and this space that i shared with this 18-year old, the first verse that came to my mind was: "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." (Hebrews 13:2). yup.

that and/or Blessed Pedro Calungsod decided to hear about my missionary travels all for himself in real life. which i think would be a great explanation too. :)

and with that, AMEN. thank you Holy Spirit!

kapatid pedro, pray for us!

Blessed Pedro Calungsod is one step closer to being canonized as the second Filipino saint! He was a sacristan, misionary, martyr...died when he was a faithful 18-year old assistant missionary to Blessed Diego Luis de San Vitores, a Jesuit priest who he was missioned with to the Marianas Islands and Guam. Educated with the Ignatian spirit, also filipino (from ilo ilo, the place where my dad grew up) and reading about his life of mission, Blessed Pedro Calungsod is automatically my new bff.

Here is his prayer:

Blessed Pedro Calungsod,
student, catechist, young migrant,
missionary, faithful friend, martyr,
you inspire us
by your fidelity in times of adversity;
by your courage in teaching the faith
in the midst of hostility;
and by your love in shedding your blood
for the sake of the Gospel.

Make our troubles your own
(here mention your request)
and intercede for us
before the throne of Mercy and Grace
so that,
as we experience the help of heaven,
we may be encouraged to live
and proclaim the Gospel here on earth.
Amen.

And...a wikipedia link! :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedro_Calungsod

my top 10

yay! yesterday, i got to listen to my radio interview for World Missions Sunday on the station of the Diocese, and so, i thought i would reflect and write down a few things that i have learned during my years on mission - mostly as a personal reminder for me, as i continue and persevere...it was interesting to hear myself talk. i think i should follow my own advice more often. and so, here's my list and lengthy explanations (oops.)!

10 Things I Have Learned On Mission:

 * in no particular order - but just as they came to my head! :)

1) Listen to your heart: while i have found that spending time with people, reading spiritual books and seeking the advice from others is something that really helps me (anyone, really!), i have also learned that at the end of the day, listening to my heart and following my heart is my best counselor. seeking to be inspired by the holy spirit, speaking through my heart - this "heart" check-in is usually the best deal-maker/deal-breaker/indicator of next steps...

 2) Take a time out: there have been many times on mission when i just get burnt out. or i get easily stressed out, or better yet (unfortunate for those around me), i get easily irritated. there is a four-letter acronym that was introduced to me at a seminar during my mission year in new york, and that is H.A.L.T. - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. this has stayed with me because it helps me identify with myself as to why i am feeling the way i am feeling: am i hungry? angry? lonely? tired? or is it something else? BUT, of course, to reach these conclusions, i need to take a time out. sometimes i take time outs daily, or multiple times in a day just for this check-in. it is so important to check-in with myself and then be honest with healthy steps to continue keeping on! of course, during my time-outs, journaling is one of the best tools for me. pretty sure i'm on my 3rd journal already from life here in baguio. it is a good and healthy discipline.

3) Pray: too bad this was not the first thing that came to my mind as i started to compile this list, but i suppose it goes hand-in-hand with listening to my heart and taking time out. prayer is the best medicine - sometimes it is hard for me to have faith in simply talking to God, but really, i have found that THIS (prayer) is KEY. when i am walking on session road, when i am sitting on a jeepney, when i am in my room, or in front of the blessed sacrament, prayer is the best. while i may not see these prayers answered immediately (sometimes i do!), this constant conversation with God is something that i very much value. / sr. t and i teach catechism in an area where there is hardly any taxi activity and sometimes we are waiting for an hour, just to get some transportation back to town. well, sometimes, when i throw out a prayer, usually to mother cabrini or st. anthony (to find us a taxi!), within five minutes, the taxi comes down the road, empty, and waiting for us. one time the taxi was called, "faithful love" (they name taxis here), and i KNEW it was a gift and the fruit of prayer after a long day of teaching catechism! prayer is conversation. with a heart of faith, it's as easy as that!

4) Remember your intention for mission: some times on mission are more challenging than others. sometimes it may be easy to just throw in the towel and say, the HECK with it! and the next thing you know, you leave the office because you need to scream and you need a change in scenery, so you take a walk around the block, and then when you are calmed down, you are able to return to the office. yup, let's interchange "you" with ME. cause that has definitely happened to me more than once. :) when moments of frustration happen, challenging moments or at any time when i think to myself, "crystal, you know you don't HAVE to be here," i remind myself of what my intentions are for mission. i ask myself, "crystal, why did you want to be on mission in the first place?" i remember during international service orientation, that we wrote down an "intention" statement. that way, during tough times, this is something that we can keep going back to, in moments of desolation, doubt, and/or confusion. after time of reflection on my intention, i am brought back to my heart once again, and while it is tough to sometimes get back on my feet, the grace is given to continue.

5) Be open: openness. be open to learning and accepting that you do not know everything about the new culture, about the ways of living, about the language, and understand that your western ways may not necessarily translate the same in this new culture in which you are serving. just when you may think that you got a hold of it, you don't. be resilient and be ready to get back up! be open to understanding that yes, there are some things that you may do that are offensive, and be able to identify these moments so that you can try your hardest next time, not to repeat them. be open to being challenged, to having your patience be tested, and be open to constant change and an un-ending series of "learning moments." sometimes it's frustrating, really frustrating, but openness is essential.

6) Identify your network: identify key people - geographically close and technologically close that can serve as your network of support. it is so important to have key people that you can talk to, and trust with your thoughts and feelings. while technology (facebook, skype, twitter, etc...) have made it easy to stay in contact and have check-ins with our friends and family from back home, it is also important to make sure we do not depend solely on staring at our webcam, in moments of trial. i have found how it important it is to identify certain individuals from within this culture, that i may include in my network. why? to be able to have some of my questions answered freely and honestly, and to be told what is right/wrong within the culture, and to also be able to LEARN. having this connection from within the local culture is important. of course, these people should be individuals that you wholeheartedly trust and feel comfortable with being "called out" by.  and perhaps, even someone who understands you and your intentions on mission. that helps also.

7) Mission is relationships: how important it is to build community among your mission. how important it is to build relationships with the people you come to know and meet. the way to mission is through relationships...when i worked in sales, something i was told is that "people don't buy from people they don't like." now, i never directly even sold ONE thing in my life during my two and a half years in business, BUT, my director at the time did tell me that all of the clients loved me. :) and for some reason, that was enough for me, and i know my co-workers appreciated kindness too, despite the fact that they would have also liked me to have a "go get em" attitude with making a big sale. but that wasn't for me. i digress...BUT, while i am not selling anything on mission, all i can offer is myself, and my mission to serve myself to others...now, if my brothers and sisters don't care for me, or if i have damaged relationships with them, well, they will say, "no thank you" or probably not acknowledge my existence. in other news, if i offer myself, and i have healthy rapport within my communities in which i serve, i will be welcomed, accepted, taken care of, and loved! / and perhaps, that is why one of the hardest parts of being "missioned-out" is saying good-bye to the people. it's because of those meaningful relationships, connections, and memories with the communities.

8) Identify your priorities: i have been graced with being missioned to pretty "happenin" cities...new york city and baguio city, philippines. i don't know if it is that these places are so "happenin'" or if it is that my nickname as, "crystala, the butterfly" (from here in the PI!) is pretty telling of the way i work. there's just lots that i like to get involved in, lots that i like to learn about, new things are introduced to me, and lots of people to meet and get-to-know. now balancing that with my community at home, my ministry, and making sure that my own personal spiritual life does not suffer, that is when i must be sure to identify my priorities and to maintain that balance. when i identify my priorities, then it is easier to say NO to one thing, and YES to another - but also learning to be confident and honest with identifying these priorities.

9) Know your boundaries: when identifying my priorities, i always ask myself too, "crystal, what would be most loving for you and life-giving for you?" in any situations where i have to make a decision. my director always reminds me of this. she's really good at not TELLING me what to do, but throws this question back to me as a healthy reminder. boundaries is something that i am still learning, especially my personal boundaries in different situations, and this check-in reminds me of my limits too. when identifying my boundaries, i am reminded to be gentle with myself and to accept the reality of what i am capable of, what i like and what i don't like. / working in prison ministry, pastoral ministry, and working in the realm of different social work activities, it is so important to identify my personal boundaries - social, emotional, physical boundaries, just to name a few. especially when working in a new cultural context, these boundaries may not be the same boundaries as to what i am used to, back at home. and that's ok. that's more likely, even better that they are different. they definitely may change.

10) Have fun!: i'm glad i did not forget about this one, but that's kind of funny that this was the last one that i thought of! but this is essential! yes, i said essential. it is important to make sure that you are enjoying yourself with what you're doing. no, sometimes it is not fun when you are mid-way of shampooing your hair, soap suds in your eyes, and then the water flow stops, and you forgot of course, to fill up the bucket with water the day prior. no, that's not fun, and there will be these moments of non-fun moments, especially when times are super busy and sometimes it may seem unbearable (yes, these dramatic moments happen too!), but make sure to find your place of "fun." perhaps exercise like yoga, or taking a walk, or treating yourself to some delicious food, or spending some time with friends...but FUN is important! laughing is a great addition too. and smiling. make sure that happens a lot too when you're having fun! natural and honest smiles only please. :)

and lastly, this is number 472927402, remember that YOU ARE NOT GOD. God sent you, but not because YOU are to take His place. NO. God was there, God IS there with you, and God will be there after you. with that being said, don't forget that God strengthens you to do the work that you do. this strength does not come from you...BUT, God trusts that you will carry out His work, as His hands, feet, hands, and heart. and that's pretty awesome. not to mention, doesn't that truth lighten that weight off your shoulders a bit? it should! this is always a good reminder for me. all we gotta do is be ourselves! phew!

while this is a list of reminders for me, i also throw them out and share them with you too, with the hopes that just maybe we can learn with and from one another. thanks for reading! :)

<3 crys

--
some quotes from my radio interview that served as affirmation for me, as i was listening to myself speak:

Question: how would you explore your experience here in one word?
Me: grace! my experience here, has been full of grace.

Me: the same thing that i keep going back to, is listening to my heart

Me: i always receive that consolation, that affirmation, that peace, that yes, this is where i belong.

:)

we are all called.

Happy World Missions Sunday!

on this day when we celebrate the mission of the Church, and those who work towards spreading God's love and the Gospel, in a way, i feel like it is a holiday! probably because this is what i have dedicated my life to for the past few years, and this is one of my most favorite topics to think about and reflect on.

this morning, sister t and i went to mass at our parish (yes, we are parishioners though it's super far away, haha), and we met up with brother fabio, a CICM seminarian from brazil. we met him a year ago, and right now he is missioned in another area of the cordilleras (the mountains here in northern luzon), about 14 hours away. yeah, pretty crazy. but it was such a delight to see him! he is like my big brother. it was so nice to spend our morning with that community because our family of parishioners there are so wonderful to us! hugs and kisses and lots of greeting to one another. :) this is the parish where sr. t and i teach confirmation classes, and i have loved my work with the youth there. they really give me so much energy! it was fitting to be there this morning for mass, because that area is the place that holds the hearts of sr. t and i - our place of apostolate, our community that has welcomed us and accepted us to be missioned into their parish.

during the announcements, Fr. was so wonderful in acknowledging the presence of sister and i, as the missionary catechists that are actively involved in the catechism of the church, and he thanked us for the job well done that we have been doing with our confirmandi. as soon as Fr. thanked us, sister t and i looked at each other, and we were affirmed - this is where we belong. God is good for sending us! we are so grateful. and for the past year, my name has been "sister crystal." go figure! haha.

after breakfast, sr. t, fabio and i caught up on our lives with one another and shared conversation on the beauty of mission and we discussed the call of mission and the vision of mission...we talked on the importance of having a shared vision on mission, and reflected on the fact that not everybody has the same call...we shared our experiences of international mission, and how, again, as baptized christians, ALL are called to be missionaries in their own ways...and we are to support one another in that realization. whatever that ends up looking like.

we talked enculturation - its difficulties, its joys, we talked on the fact that we are VISITORS here. that it is the filipino people - the community and the culture here that have welcomed us, and we are in no place to place demands or expectations on the people and IN the communities that we serve. i think this is something very important to always remember...we must not be oppressive in anything we do, and we have been gifted with such a grace to be able to serve and love the people here. we are not colonizers, and we are simply called to be who we are -authentically so. we are here for the mission, and the mission is NOT here to serve us. sometimes when i remind myself of that reality, it once again puts things into perspective. sometimes it is easy to get lost in intentions. God has continued to affirm and provide us with graces of consolation, especially in times of sincere desolation and moments of confusion. for that, i am grateful.

it is oh so important to have a partner in mission, and i am grateful for the MSC sister, Sr. Terezinha that i have been missioned with. (though i did not meet her until the moment i set foot in baguio city!) she is currently living 70 years of life on earth, and this sister is inspiring. she's brazilian, she is on fire for mission, and her critical thinking mind continues to always challenge my ways of thinking too. our sociology background definitely unites us. :) - among the many things! she has become the best personal catechist trainer ever, and i look up to her a lot. her dedication, heart of love, and patience with me is pretty amazing too. today she reminded me, "catalan, you can be a catechist anywhere in the world. you're ready." and that is awesome to me! Sr. T has become my utmost best friend out here, and what a grace it is to be sent two by two! the fact that she is here, and i am here, and we work so well together, and we share our vision on mission, that is affirmation enough that God knows what He is doing. :)

and so, happy world mission sunday! this has been quite the way of living. i would not have it any other way. :) thank you to all who have supported me on my mission...your prayers are working!!

grateful heart

so my sister came to visit me in baguio city last week, and wow, i think it was quite the experience for her. an experience in the sense that i think my stressing out stressed her out, she experienced the "community" way of life, she experienced the ins and outs of working as a catechist in and out of various barangays (teaching the rosary in the morning, then going to another barangay to teach confirmation in the afternoon, etc..), she learned how to jump on and off of jeepneys, and she also experienced the less than super smooth cab rides....BUT..the accomplishment for her, is that she survived a week. yes, that is an accomplishment. :) i was proud of her!

let me elaborate...

so when my friend ali visited, she had a lot of experience doing mission work and everything, so she naturally came along with me visiting all the children and teaching catechism just as i do. my sister has volunteered at various places in the past, but nothing like the life that i live here in baguio city - so i think it was somewhat of a culture shock for her too...in every way possible, and there was no time to stop and breathe. we were on the go, or situated someplace with an agenda...:) such is the way of my life!

in reflecting on my sister's visit to the PI, it was an affirmation to me of the definition of "vocation" and how, truly, we have all been given different gifts and talents to serve others. my sister is a nurse by profession, and wow, after trying that route for a year in biology at USD, i knew immediately that was NOT meant for me. and she's a great nurse - but not me. i can't do it, no way! but for me, her visit really made me even more secure in my life and way of living as a missioner here in baguio city.

i enjoy the fast-paced, when the times call for it...no, i don't enjoy the stress, but sometimes that comes along with working in a culture that is not 100% familiar to me and when i am working within systems that don't exactly go according to MY plan and when things are not as efficient as i feel that they could be...but it took me a really long time to finally accept and get used to it. in this over a year that i have been here in baguio city, i have learned what to make a big deal, what not to make a big deal, and i also learned a lot about my boundaries and limits. at the same time, while i struggle with patience as an enneagram proclaimed, 8, being a "gut" person, i think i have also come to learn patience and deepen my "patience" characteristic...which helped me be more patient with my sister's visit too.

but, her visit really made me think, wow, i am so grateful for vocation - that some things are really so apparent, and that i have been gifted with this way of life, and that God has given me opportunities to live out my call to serve and love others. her visit made me more grateful for my vocation, and i think this experience also challenged her ways of thinking and operating also. so her visit was most definitely a win/win situation. especially in the sense that it was so good to spend time with her here in baguio city! :) it was nice to share this experience with her, despite any struggles that may have been presented. it was all a part of it!

after i dropped off my sister at the victory bus terminal yesterday, i reflected on her visit and thought to myself what one of the sisters from vocation week told me last year - "the harvest is rich, but the workers are few." it was a beautiful sunny day in town, after dropping off my sister, and i just thought, "thank you Jesus for continually revealing to me the things that give me joy - all steps towards becoming who it is that God created me to be!"

i think the flip side of that moment that i had that morning, is that in the evening during prayer, i learned it was the feast of st. luke, and what was the gospel on? exactly that! it was the gospel according to luke, when Jesus said, "The harvest is rich but the workers are few; therefore ask the harvest-master to send workers to his harvest. Be on your way, and remember: i am sending you as lambs in the mist of wolves."

God has been really good about sending me signs and messages through my day. i see it as constant affirmation that i am exactly where He wants me to be for now...i think the challenge is really ultimately getting to the point of total surrender and trust in Him...he's gotten me this far - what makes me think He will stop now? or later?

everyday i pray that i may continue to say YES to Jesus...and well, just see where that takes me. :)

bahala siya

 a couple of days ago, it was the feast day of St. Ignatius of Antioch. no, it was not the feast day of my man, ignatius loyola, but this gave me an opportunity to learn about st. iggy of antioch, most definitely! reading his bio, i learned he was a student of the apostle, John, he wrote lots of letters, and he was a Bishop after St. Peter!

st. ignatius of antioch was martyred by lions, and said, " the only thing i ask of you is to allow me to offer the libation of my blood to God. i am the wheat of the Lord. may i be ground by the teeth of the beasts to become the immaculate bread of Christ." i mean, dang, who says that? he had this incredibly trust in God and begged the Christians in rome to not try to stop his martyrdom. why was he martyred? because he refused to worship the official gods during the reign of the emperor at the time. in other words, st. ignatius of antioch had a profound trust in God.

for prayer on monday night, in honor of trust and a desire to faithfully abandon ourselves to God, i played the song, Be Not Afraid, and this verse stood out for me that night:

Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me, blessed, blessed are you!

this may be one of the best hymns out there - for everyone walking and living their best to spread the Gospel and the love of God...this may indeed be the best anthem! at least, i think i connect with it pretty well, and what a beautiful reminder it is.

disguise in love

read this reflection below and was immediately inspired. how true this is, and how beautiful it is too! when i'm spending with the families here in baguio city, i don't necessarily think to myself, oh, i'm doing this because this is what Jesus would do....but i do it because we all just want to be loved and cared for, right? and i don't think identify with this word of "service." it always seems like an obligation, or like, a chore or something...i don't provide services. i kinda just live and it just so happens that i get to live in this beautiful way! :) learning and loving along the way with the people God sends my way! grateful for the life i live and the opportunities i have to grow deeper in love everyday with my brothers and sisters! blessings to you! :)

---

taken from Smokey Mountain, during Global Urban Trek-Manila in 2005

“We must therefore be proud of our vocation,” she says, “which gives us the opportunity to serve Christ in His poorest…in the slums, Jesus chooses as His disguise the miseries and poverty of our people in the slums.  You cannot have the vow of charity if you have not got the faith to see Jesus in the people we contact.  Otherwise our work is no more than social work…we do it for Somebody.” - Mother Teresa

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Christ identifies himself with those in the most urgent conditions of need: the hungry, thirsty, naked, homeless, sick, and imprisoned. The lesson is simple. In responding to the desperate needs of others, we respond to him: "As you did the last person, you did to me."

Dorothy Day often said, "Those who cannot see Christ in the poor are atheists indeed."

It is not only in words that Christ identified with those who have nothing and regarded with contempt. He was born in a stable because no better place was offered for his mother to give birth. As a child he was a refugee. He was imprisoned and died a criminal's death. Given all that, is it a surprise that God's hospitality to us is linked to our hospitality to those who have little or nothing. If we avoid Christ in the poor, we are avoiding the gate to heaven.

- Jim Forest, from Confession: Doorway to Forgiveness (taken from A Maryknoll Book of Inspiration by Michael Leach and Doris Goodnough)

the bayanihan spirit.

this is a day that will stay with me forever. and here is it how it went:

taking the road less traveled, like never before!

one of the parents from yagayan came to the office to drop off the umbrellas that sr. t and i left at the weekend celebration (super nice, considering it's a super long trek for her)! haha, well, i was happy to see her and her 3-year old son companion!...i was sitting at the desk in front of the office, working on my laptop and getting angry at the fact that the internet was malfunctioning, and i was commissioned to get some answers from the agent who is handling our internet (on the phone), cause the connection was less than awesome...thank goodness that parent came - she helped me get the impatience away from my heart. haha, the life of a missioner. it happens.

so i asked her what she was doing for the day, and i thought to myself, i need to get out of the office today - i have an open schedule! so i basically asked her if i could tag along with her for the rest of the day, but moreso, i think it was more like, "can you show me where all of the yagyagan kids and their parents live?" she didn't think i was serious, cause well, it was so impromptu! well, before you know, she agreed, and we were on our way!

it was my goal to visit the homes of my god-children before their baptism, but because that didn't work out because of the weather...this was a perfect time to do it! and so, here is a recap of my adventure..an eye-opening adventure/journey/can't believe i did it experience.

so we were off, but had to pick up some rice first from the market. so we bought 10 kilos of rice..which is HEAVY! i have no idea how the heck she was going to carry that, AND hold her 3-year old son, but these filipina women are hercules in women form, i swear. so we started our long journey on the jeepney, dodged a couple of extended glances and stares, cause clearly i was an import, but i think it added some entertainment to their otherwise-super long journey to their destination.

we stopped by the school, and the teachers and children were so surprised to see me! it was so cute! some of the kids were playing in the street and then when they saw me, they ran inside to tell their teachers that "ate crystal" and "sister crystal" was here!

i think the most ironic part of visiting the school is that, i found out my god-daughter was so sick, and had to go home, but had no one to take her home...and so, it was perfect! i told her we were planning on going to her house anyway, so we were able to venture together! the teachers gave us some rambutan (a delicious fruit here!) for the hike...i had no idea that it would be SUCH a hike to take my little girl home!

so we were off, my little one was the leader, i followed, carrying her little pink backpack and umbrella that was bigger than her, and then parent and child in back of me. after walking 40 minutes along the road, staying as close to the side of the street as possible, then we started venturing down the hill! my goodness. that was indeed hiking! i watched my girl randomly pick plants and eat the leaves, watched her hop on down from step to step. wow...but after an hour, we eventually made it to her house, and she was all smiles to be home. girlfriend was sick :( she needed rest, and i was so happy to be able to accompany her home along the way!

the going there part wasn't so bad. i think it was the going UP HILL, back to the main road part, that was most challenging. i definitely called on jesus to accompany me...it was a trek - really! the blessing is that it was not raining (yet) and the weather was ideal. :)

we then stopped along random streets along the highway, cause tita knew them or she was related to them...and then we continued on our journey! we stopped at a temple, took a few pictures, then took a short-cut down a hill (the route of the carabou), instead of taking the "long-cut" along the street. i saw a dead possum along the way, and i almost fainted. i then explained to tita that i am the least outdoorsy person, but after moving to baguio city, things have seemed to change (despite the fact that i still screamed at the sight of the possum!)...she laughed..and she was really patient with me as i went super slow down the hill, but considering i have fallen on every mountain/hill that i have hiked in this benguet region, i had to be super careful!

this gate is supposed to stop you from continuing. haha

for real, this happened!

we then reached another home of my other god-child, then kept hiking down, visited some of their gardens, of course i was like paparazzi status, then kept going down the hill, stopping by the homes of my yagyagan family! they were so surprised to see me, and i was happy to see their faces light up! definitely did not think they would see me here, that's for sure! :)

the "secret garden" entrance to some of the coolest plants and flowers i saw!

prayer plants! they look like praying hands. :)

well, then, we continued, and it started raining...though we took the "short-cut" to cross across the mountain, we still had to keep venturing down and eventually hit up another one of our families, and it really did make my heart break. after another hour and a half, we reached one of their homes. tita told me that red cross came to donate ten beams/posts for them because the landslides from the typhoons ruined their shelter, and she described it as saying that they were like sardines in a pond...they were really thankful for the help and support they received. this will hopefully give you a better picture of what it was like:

afterwards, we started trekking back up the hill to the main road so that i would be able to catch a ride back to baguio...well, as we were walking up the super steep dirt road, i saw some of my kids, and it was pouring! :(  but again, it was so cute to see them and to see how surprised they were! they were like, "sister crystal! we love you!!!" and then "ate crystal! i can't believe she's here!" it was so precious! they greeted me with smiles and hugs, and i wanted to accompany them home! but alas, it was getting dark, and i had to trek back! ..ha, i definitely had no concept of time in those moments. i was just focused on getting back to the top!

...before the school year started, everyone stressed how important it was for the students to get raincoats and rain boots...and i learned, that it is absolutely necessary. the winds weren't even super strong, but the rain was crazy coming down...and here is how the kids cover themselves:

they take care of each other

always travel in groups!

my experience of trekking up and down the hill for the 6 hours was unlike anything i had ever experienced. tita's son was such a rockstar. he did not complain once, and tita was able to carry him every so often too - it was pretty amazing to me. i really felt like jesus was walking with us making our way visiting the families, and i think he really saw to it that the weather treated us nicely as we were making our visits.

after seeing what i saw, and now, truly experiencing the trek, my perspective has changed, and i understand even moreso now, why the kids are so tired everyday, why they don't necessary listen to everything i say! shoot, i was thinking, if i was them, and i had to sit through catechism with a fil-am speaking in straight english/struggling tag-lish, that would take up so much energy to even process and understand what she was saying. i would not be a fan. but i know they try their hardest to listen to me! :) so i'm super thankful. everyone told me, no, it's not so bad cause the kids are used to it and it's like they are playing when they go up and down the hill, and they're used to making the journey! but STILL...and seeing some of the homes, it is not ok with me.

i was stuck again with the question, ok, crystal, what are you going to do about this? what is my role in this? i understand while i can not transform these families and provide them with more stable homes, there are changes that i can bring to my life that will hopefully illuminate change around me as well.

i asked tita how the families were able to build all their homes, many are in secluded areas - she told me, it's all "tulong tulong" - helping each other - it is the meaning of "bayanihan" as in, the community spirit...and that is what has captured my heart about this community...there is that TRUE bayanihan spirit of everyone knowing everyone and the support system is strong, despite any gossip that naturally happens in every community, let's be honest. because these families do not have addresses, you can just ask anyone in the area where certain people live, and they will direct you. it's pretty helpful :)

almost there...

i was processing with some of my staff about my experience and told them how the kids are so different from the kids in the city, here in baguio. it's a different culture, it really is - city kids are different from rural kids...there's a greater innocence with the kids in yagyagan and they all go straight home right after school...cause there are no other distractions! here in the city, everyone heads to internet cafes or hangs out on the side of the streets...it's just, really different.

i think one of the funniest things though is when one of the women in the community (who has a store at the top of the hill) said she heard me from the bottom of the mountain, but she was so confused because she knew it was my voice, but was so curious as to why i would be there in the afternoon. hahaha, she's like, your voice is like mine, it's very strong! haha, i said, i know, i think i was the loudest thing in the hills that day. my voice definitely echoed, but they said it was all good :)

i woke up this morning a little bit tired, but i thought of seeing the kids again this morning and i got excited! :) when i went to school this morning for mass, the other parents had already heard about my adventure and told me they were all looking forward to my visit...i told them i would! haha, here we go. and so, in this new year of mission, my eyes have been opened in a greater way, and i am so excited to be here, once again (i think only a few moments on mission here have put me in a lull, but i usually get out of those moments pretty quickly. God is THAT good. haha!). though i live in baguio, it is such a blessing to have my yagyagan family be just 25 minutes away, and always ready with open arms and smiles.

they always thank me...but really, i am just full of gratitude for them - i always leave with fruits, vegetables, and some of their harvest that they give to their kids to give to me (this is their livelihood, but STILL they give it to me!), they give me the best hugs and the warmest smiles, amidst their super shy culture.

the hills, up and down, rain, animals along the way, being tired...that is nothing. it was all worth it - this is all so worth it. so glad to have been fulfilled by their bayanihan spirit.

my favorite.

 

if you wanna be bold...

and this, this is what it means to surrender. but, it all comes down to the heart.

"My Lord, You know what is best; let this be done or that be done as You please. Give what You will, as much as You will, when You will. Do with me as You know best, as will most please You, and will be for Your greater honor. Place me where You will and deal with me freely in all things. I am in Your hands; turn me about whichever way You will. Behold, I am Your servant, ready to obey in all things. Not for myself do I desire to live, but for You alone - would that I could do this worthily and perfectly. Amen!" - Imitation of Christ

the little flower realized

...just a short section from st. therese's autobiography. she had lots of desires growing up, ever since she was a little girl, and here she reveals some of those desires. she, however, was able to find her vocation through this process, and she realized, her vocation is love. read on.

  Yet I long for other vocations: I want to be a warrior, a priest, an apostle, a doctor of the Church, a martyr...I would like to perform the most heroic deeds. I feel I have the courage of a Crusader. I should like to die on the battlefield in defense of the Church.

 If only I were a priest! How lovingly, Jesus, would I hold you in my hands when my words had brought you down from heaven and how lovingly would I give you to the faithful. Yet though I long to be a priest, I admire and envy the humility of St. Francis of Assisi and feel that I should imitate him and refuse the sublime dignity of the priesthood. How can I reconcile these desires?

Like the prophets and the doctors of the Church, I should like to enlighten souls. I should like to wander through the world, preaching your Name and raising your glorious Cross in pagan lands. But it would not be enough to have only one field of mission work. I should not be satisfied unless I preached the Gospel in every quarter of the globe and even in the most remote islands. Nor should I be content to be a missionary for only a few years. I should like to have been one from the creation of the world and to continue as one till the end of time. But, above all, I long to be a martyr. From my childhood I have dreamt of martyrdom, and it is a dream which has grown more and more real in my little cell in Carmel. But I don't want to suffer just one torment. I should have to suffer them all to be satisfied. Like you, my adorable Jesus, I want to be scourged and crucified. I want to be flayed like St. Bartholomew. Like St. John, I want to be flung into boiling oil. Like St. Ignatius of Antioch, I long to be ground by the teeth of wild beasts, ground into a bread worthy of God. With St. Agnes and St. Cecilia, I want to offer my neck to the sword of the executioner, and, like Joan of Arc, murmur the name of Jesus at the stake. My heart leaps when I think of the unheard tortures Christians will suffer in the reign of anti-Christ.  I want to endure them all. My Jesus, fling open that book of life in which are set down the deeds of every saint. I want to perform them all for you!

...

These desires caused me a real martyrdom, and so one day I opened the epistles of St. Paul to try to find some cure for my sufferings. And in chapters twelve and thirteen of the First Epistle to the Corinthians I read that we cannot all be apostles, prophets, and doctors, that the Church is made up of different members, and that the eye cannot also be the hand. This answer was clear enough, but it did not satisfy me and brought me into peace. But as St. John of the Cross says, "descending into the depths of my own nothingness, I was raised so high that I reached my goal." I went on reading and came to: "Be zealous for the better gifts. ANd I show unto you a yet more excellent way." The apostle explains how even all the most perfect gifts are nothing without love and that charity is the most excellent way of going safely to God. I had found peace at last.

I thought of the Mystical Body of the Church, but I could not recognize myself in any of its members listed by St. Paul - or, rather, I wanted to recognize myself in them all. Charity gave me the key to my vocation. I realized that if the Church was a body made up of different members, she would not be without the greatest and most essential of them all. I realized that love includes all vocations, that love is all things, and that, because it is eternal it embraces every time and place. 


- Chapter 11, The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul                                  (translated by John Beevers)

my community forty minutes away.

the past two days have been pretty powerful and because i do not want to forget them, i wanted to make sure i blogged about my experiences, sooner than later...so here i go!

well, yesterday, october 1st was st. therese's feast day! woohoo! due to the typhoon (forcing me to stay indoors), i managed to finish her autobiography, just as i had planned, and was SO inspired. i think i'm going to read it again, it's so good. i finished her novena - over the course of all 9 days, and it was pretty amazing. two nights ago was a pretty less than awesome evening, and so, of course (typical - i'll get better at this eventually), i spent a lot of it in prayer. i think the beauty in that moment of prayer sitting on my bed, really entering into prayer mode was a mystical experience where i had the desire to call upon certain saints to join me in that moment, and sure enough, in that solemn moment, i felt like the saints had surrounded my bed. i don't normally share this stuff, but that moment was so vivid and clear to me, that i am most gracious for their presence with me that night. i think i've had the great opportunity to learn so much about the saints, through having gone through trainings/orientations with various congregations, and also reading more about the lives of various saints...when people say that we are alone, that prayerful evening a couple of nights ago, really proved to me that is not the case. it wasn't scary though at all - it was very much a moment of pure consolation.

she is near to those who call upon her. our loving God allows it! :)

 today i woke up at 5:30am because well, for the past two days, we have been hit here first by typhoon pedring and then typhoon quiel quickly made its way upon us. luckily no damage has been done to us (but others, sadly, yes.) we have been under house arrest for the most part, due to the weather's promptings. i woke up super early because sr. t and i were going to make our way out to the community which holds our hearts, because we were going to be having about 30 of our people get baptized! woohoo! we had been praying so hard that the baptisms would go through and it would not be cancelled, though the weather may force us otherwise.

well, 5:30am, the rain was still coming down hard, but i headed over to pick up sr. t anyway, i texted father to see if we were still on, and he said, "Yes Sister, Good Morning. Happy Fiesta!" and so, we were off to the baptisms, typhoon and all. this was also a special moment because the community had named itself the "st. therese of the child jesus" community, and so we were celebrating her feast today as well.

the weather was perfect - no rain, strong winds though, and i got to see all of my kids! i ended up being the god-mother to four of the children and i loved it. the mass was awesome and the holy spirit was alive. the preparation that sr. t and i did with the parents really paid off, and there ended up being 48 kids/adults getting baptized. pretty awesome stuff. it made me happy! i got to hang out with some of the youth from the parish, then we headed over to a parishioner's house where they were having another party. packed into father's truck, it was awesome to just be free, out and about, roaming the streets on the outskirts of baguio.

one of my favorite pics from the baptisms today!

now that baptism is done, we will now be moving on to preparing the kids for first communion, and then, confirmation! so exciting! i'm just so grateful that father really trusts sister and i to handle the preparation for these families in their communities. what i find especially wonderful is how much the community really takes care of me and looks to me with much respect. i'm still not used to it! we were preparing to eat, but they said, "wait! sister! can you bless our food?" and so there i was in the barangay hall, leading a prayer for the 45-60 adults that were waiting to partake in the meal. pretty amazing stuff, and it was in that time that i was leading prayer for the community, that i realize that i have been blessed to do such things and lead others to do the same. i'm so grateful.

youth leaders, my confirmation kids, seminarians...we are all on mission!

i think sometimes i just go, go, go, and then it isn't until afterwards that i am able to savor the grace that was in those moments. sometimes it takes other people to point it out to me too. i think the awesomeness in it all though, is that when i am in tune with the presence of the spirit, and when i am consciously aware, that is when those moments, that may otherwise seem so "normal," turn out to be really holy moments...and now, i am trying to treasure every moment as a blessed moment, because in the end, grace abounds in all places.

today was a beautiful day. happy feast!