we're all leaders!

it has become so apparent to me, even moreso in the past couple of weeks, that truly, as a missioner, i will not be here forever. wait, what? hold the phone. yeah - crazy. i am almost or at my year and a half mark of being a missioner in the philippines, and i can't believe how fast time has gone. i walked out of the house yesterday, walked along the road, tried my best to stick to the "sidewalk" so that i don't get hit by a passing truck, and realized, dang. crystal, you LIVE in the philippines. what a BLESSING that is!

one of my biggest dreams in my life has come true, and i am LIVING it. what a gift! of course, i never really thought this would happen, but alas it has, and i really had no plan for what comes next. but i suppose, that is why i am "me," and "God" is GOD. he has the brilliance all planned and stuff.

in this last year of mission, sr. terezinha and i have been diligently working on sustainability. trying to understand it more ourselves and to discern with one another about what sustainability looks like for the pastoral ministry that we have tried to build up at SOSCFI. it's pretty crazy looking back, because a year and a half ago, none of these pastoral ministry initiatives existed. since we started, we were able to organize outreach projects, engage our community in sacraments, and we have been trying our best to deepen the faith of our communities through bible sharings and reflections...not really having any idea where to begin, so we started there.

well now, after a year and a half of heading that stuff up, it is now time for our parents to use their leadership capabilities and to step up in the game. sr. t and i have been praying and brainstorming ways to really get this up off the ground and running, in the hands of our communities. as a missioner, it has never been more apparent to me, until now, how really, one of my roles is NOT to do everything, but to accompany and assist our community members in honing their personal skills and talents so that they may head up these initiatives and programs. themselves.

with the temporal life of a missioner, this is so important.

given this reality, i have been reflecting on my limitations and boundaries as a missioner. not so much personal boundaries, but moreso, ministry related boundaries. i know what work i am capable of doing, but where is the line between doing everything because i can, but also, not doing everything, so that others may have the opportunity to do it themselves, for others? i remember when my mom came to visit me, she was really surprised at all of the responsibilities i had, and she said, "crys, who would have done that if you didn't lead that?" i remember saying, "i have no idea..." i am more than happy to help - i mean, this is why i am here! BUT, i am also reminded that i am not meant to do everything.


that's a given - but lately i have been finding, that even though there is lots to do and it is EASIER for me to just do it on my own, the point is, is that i need to NOT do everything, and i need to trust others with the responsibility to carry out some of those tasks. in fact, i may be doing others a disservice when i take matters into my own hands and do things myself. i am learning that in being a leader, it's also important to lead others so that they may take ownership of some of the initiatives and to encourage them to use their skills - not squash them and not depend on others to lead them. sure, guidance is great, but letting them DO is so important. it's time.

being here in the philippines, i have also learned how to delegate tasks more smoothly, and i have been trying my best to share my responsibilities with others. no, not just to give away some of the duties i don't want to do, but also because i am finding that my brothers and sisters here are all "2's" on the enneagram. haha, they are all helpers! it's so great! haha :) and so, things are always just a little bit easier when you have kids and parents eager and willing to help me with any small task, even if it's like making copies for me or finding an extension cord for me. hahaha. typical. but for real, it's good.

i feel like God has blessed sr. terezinha and i with the building up of this pastoral ministry at SOSCFI, and now it is time for us to train and prepare leaders for the upcoming months as we begin to fade out. not in a dramatic way, but in a very real way. we sow, they reap, and it is all good. i think it's what we came for. among the many reasons.

in tapiz and all. my favorite!

the filipino culture is really into the arts. and the filipino culture is very lively and artistic too. so artistic that so far in my year and a half of being here, i have learned how to pray the "our father" with gestures, in three different ways already! i think that's what happens when you work at an NGO where you are seeking to enrich faith in the children. my goodness. let's see how much i can remember so that i can bring it back with me to the states!

it was mother cabrini's feast this past november and i thought it would be cool if the casa cabrini girls (my community) could present something. the ladies of the house said they had a friend who could teach us the "our father" and soooo, here it is! to the tune of auld lang syne of course. :) enjoy!

guilty.

oh wow - such a good question. definitely a reality check!

missioned desktops!

one of my favorite things about transitions in life is being able to change my desktop wallpaper. NOT. but, i do think the desktop wallpaper is really important because (if you're like me) it's one of the first things you see as soon as you start your day off in front of the computer...and it places some focus (if even for a little bit) on your initial thoughts upon waking up to a new day (God-willing.).

here is my most recent change:

from (irisan, baguio city, philippines):

to (sunset beach, haleiwa - north shore, hawaii):

all of a sudden i like nature and the outdoors. who would have thought? :)

via, veritas, vita

the other day at mass, i heard one of the best homilies that i have heard here so far in the philippines. ok, so that may or may not be an understatement...but, perhaps it was a homily that i needed to hear. and for that, i am grateful!

the reading on sunday was from the Gospel of Mark where Jesus said to the disciples, "Come after me; I will make you fishers of men." an awesome Gospel, and it brought me to an even deeper reflection on the call that i have received in my life, journeying as a happy missionary discovering love, joy, and surprises along the way. of course it is not always happy times, but i think joy ultimately awaits me through obedience, listening, and with a great dosage of courage, strength and trust in God.

not as a machine, and especially not on auto-pilot, but as an open heart full of desire to go deeper in my life and to ask those tough questions. and to wrestle with them too. the not-so-fun part. BUT, with God's guidance through prayer. no way i can do this on my own.

"Come, follow Me" - Jesus

the priest at mass spoke about our call and how it is so important that we should not go and place our trust in people who think they know more than us, and we should not place our faith and hope in institutions that lead us astray, but rather, we are to keep our eyes on Jesus.

when we go to mass, it is so easy to look around, be distracted, let our thoughts wander, and at the same time, there is lots of statue and painting worship. but he continued and said, Never lose focus. If you follow Jesus, you will not go wrong. Every moment is a time of grace, if we close our ears to the ways of culture and the way of the world. Jesus said, come, follow me. And yes, there are definitely beautiful parts in culture, but there are also soul-damaging and spirit-killing parts in culture too. Sometimes the ways that are "typical" or "popular" in the world are not exactly the healthiest.

He continued to say something bold - something that made me laugh out loud actually...he said, i see many people in the church wiping the statues and paintings and blessing themselves with the handkerchiefs, but if you do that, it should be because you want to save us money by dusting the statues and paintings yourself, instead of us having to pay someone else to clean it! His point? Never Lose Focus.

He said, your focus needs to be at the altar - not on the priest, but at the sacrament that is right in front of you, who is Jesus. as he continued to discuss the call, he said, it may cost your career, your job, a loved one, there may be sacrifice that is being asked of you, but Jesus said, "Come, and follow me."

time to drop our nets, and go.

during the sign of peace, he explained that when we share the sign of peace with others:

....we are sending Jesus, who is the Via, Veritas, Vita. i never made that connection before. the letter V - look at that.

it was a good mass. :)

obedience over sacrifice

in reflecting on monday's scripture readings from the Book of Samuel and the Gospel of Mark, i am met with the reflection from Anawim Way, that "What God wants above all is obedience."

this meditation talks about the dual life we sometimes try so hard to live. just like Saul who tried to have the best of both worlds, as do we sometimes do the same. i always hear the saying, "in this world, but not of this world." but let's face it and be honest, we may act as followers of Christ and lovers of God, but at the same time, we try to "preserve" and then even "justify" some of the unhealthy behaviors or habits that we find ourselves wrapped up in. what is that?

i, for one, am totally guilty.

for instance, sometimes the temporary, more attractive things seem to be easier to handle, than to do things like, reflect, and contemplate and meditate, and then journal and pray. why? well, i would argue that the latter is pretty emotionally exhausting (but the best), and depending on the context in which you live (especially as a missioner or volunteer overseas in a sometimes overwhelming environment), there is just not enough energy for that "processing" time. sometimes we are just trying to get through the day. ironically, i have had this conversation more than two times in the past week. processing all the little moments and going deep into the core of "feelings" from the day is pretty tiresome. but oh, so essential!! BUT, tiresome. it does take a lot of energy!

after going at what seems to be like 90 mph for the past month, being on vacation was actually pretty tiring and exhausting. lots of processing, lots of running around - and now my body, mind, and heart are trying to recuperate themselves with some healthy downtime. silence had never been such a strong craving of mine. or the sound of the waves crashing. that would be nice too. :)

the meditation for this day ends with, "Let us ask Him for the grace this day to see what things we may be holding onto which are hindering our new life with him, and remove these things from our lives."

and lastly, "In what ways do I straddle the fence, trying to follow both the way of Christ and the way of the world at the same time? Is my obedience from my heart, or do I only perform outwardly what I think is required?"

that word, "obedience" is kinda scary a little because sometimes obedience does require sacrifice and denying self, but also, God allows us and wants us to still maintain self and embrace our own Belovedness in His eyes...including His dream and desire for us. in a way, i suppose we pray to be obedient to the Lord's will, which is a will that is good and full of grace. given that reality where we are asked to be obedient to God who has the best in mind for us...i ask myself, how could i not want to be obedient? well, control and personal plans may sometimes take control and overshadow that wondrous dream for us.

of course, there is the battle between flesh and spirit, but to God, He is right there giving us the strength to choose Life and goodness. i suppose God does give us all the tools and "outs" we need to make the right decisions and He certainly helps us discern the best choices.  i look to Jesus and think about all the trials that he experienced - how he was probably super emotionally exhausted from healing person after person, curing leper after leper, and going from place to place preaching the Good News. but He still kept going - disregarding worldliness, and keeping his priorities straight. yeah, i'm sure women were head over heels gushing over this man, but He kept going, keeping on. being in this world, but not of this world. he was on a whole 'nother level.

i wanna be there too. but from what i have learned and experienced so far, bold prayers are usually followed by some bold answers and fierce requests, wrapped in love. the question is, are you [we] ready? sacrifice is involved, and ache, pain, and suffering, but peace comes when we can look at Jesus, when we can look at the cross, and take strength in our solidarity with Him. with the truth that Jesus experienced it all, holistically to the point of ultimate sacrifice for love, the Sacred Heart will provide and bring us out of the way of the world, and into the way of Jesus. that's a pretty cool thing. no need for fences.

blog-worthy thursday, the 19th.

sitting in the dark, select YouTube videos on repeat, sr. terezinha resting, and we are awaiting the arrival of a seminarian and a priest: two Xaverians, arriving from manila. yay! and so, i figured, this is the perfect ambience, the perfect time to catch up on my life and reflect on the past couple of days, but also the past month! dang. if that's even possible.

here is my memorable thursday:

i woke up super early to get ready for my day of teaching catechism at a pretty far away elementary school, outside of baguio, about 40 minutes out. but i don't mind, and i didn't mind that morning because after 3 weeks, i was going to see my kids again! i was pretty stoked. i didn't exactly know what to teach the kids for the day, but i figured, hey, it was santo nino's feast day on sunday, so maybe i should do something related to santo nino. maybe introduce him, perhaps!

and so, that is what i did. i brought my santo nino with me to school. best idea ever! i put him in a plastic bag and off we went. got in a taxi, and boom. taxi driver straight up denied me, saying that it was too far. so we got out of the taxi, talked to my nino, and we both agreed, God was not very happy with that situation. haha. so then, i took a jeepney, then hopped into a taxi.

finally got into a taxi and homie starts some chit chat convo. clearly, i am holding my one and a half foot santo nino, so it can be assumed that i am religious of some sort...and then he proceeds to ask me my religious affiliation, how old i am, my last name...the usual - i've learned how to handle these questions...haha, after a year. then, he starts to tell me what he thinks my future will look like. i ask him, how do you know? he shifts the mirror, and says, "i can see it in your eyes - basta, i can tell by your eyes." hmm, ok. that was interesting, and it was actually a good ecumenical conversation where we talked about Jesus and life. i think the ironic part of that conversation after the fact, is that i read the scripture passages for the day, and it talked about the beautiful character of Jonathan, who was able to cooperate with the action of God, and put his personal interests aside. and my taxi driver's name? Jonathan.

spending time with the kids at the school was definitely the highlight of my day. it was a beautiful one where they were happy to see me, i was ecstatic to see them, and they learned about santo nino. even though santo nino is pretty much in every establishment here in the philippines, catholic or not, He is a part of the culture. HE is baby Jesus - i don't know how many people really understand that...and so, this was my chance to teach the kiddies. taught them a little bit, then i let them touch and bless themselves with little nino. :) i'm so filipino. hahaha - that's what i was thinking to myself...it made me happy.

1st grade and Santo Nino!

2nd graders and Baby Jesus

3rd graders diligently taking their notes :)

Learn the Sign of the Cross

the kids liked Him so much, i told them that i would bring him once a month, just so that they could see Him. it was a good day.

afterwards, on my way back to the office, i decided to stop by my church, play some catch-up a little bit with one of my favorite music ministers, meet with Father about a seminar, and then head over to town. i headed back to the office for a little bit, got some work done, and then got ready to give a short little presentation to some of the peace corps from the new batch that had come to town.

i'm involved with a program here at SOSCFI, and had the opportunity to share my experiences with this program with some of the peace corps volunteers in the PI, because just maybe there may be some collaboration with peace corps and the organization, LitWorld, headquartered in new york. pretty awesome stuff - glad to be a part of it!

while my friend chelsea and i were waiting to go meet up with the group, we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel catching up on life and lots that we had missed out on in each other's lives in the past four weeks, and then we meet a homeless man with a son and a bizarre story. not much we could do, but listen, try to discern the truth, and pray for him. regardless of whether or not his story was true, my heart grew sad. it got sad because regardless of whether or not his story was true, the fact that it could be true, and that these realities do exist, all i could say to chelsea after he left, was: "i hate poverty. i don't like that it exists."

we talked on the idea of hope and how important it is that WE have hope, that SOMEONE has hope in these situations that we are presented in, and that we are faced with everyday. in the almost year and a half that we have been here, we have seen the same cycles, we see the same struggles happen over and over again, and we both shared how important it is to keep going...regardless of the circumstances, there is a need for strength and courage to continue. while we can't do everything, we can certainly bring love and hope to some of these most unfortunate cases.

random processing sessions are always good, when spent with good people.

i heart my peace corps friends (this was taken on another day. i was craving a burrito - a new place opened on session road, and through the power of text messaging, we were able to gather to share in this feast that was very so not chipotle. but it did the job. we were thankful and satisfied!):

God sent me a good PCV in this one

oh hey oregon,california, NY/NJ

the usual :)

i <3 new PCV friends

afterwards, went to church, and i was blessed with seeing two of my favorite people that i had not seen in probably three months! it was such a blessing. with santo nino in hand, i was just thinking to myself, dang - i have had so many amazing experiences today. what a blessing! got to catch up with them, and they told me that they feel like their baby got some of my qualities, "always cheerful!" that made me happy. now, i have to eventually meet the baby. :)

then, headed home with a smile on my face, went to bed, and thought to myself, dang. this was a good day. lots of people to pray for, lots of things to be thankful for, and a whole lot of experiences. this day had to go down in my blog.

proclamation and solidarity

"The year 2012 will be 'a year of grace for the mission' in the Philippines"

check out the article here: 

http://www.fides.org/aree/news/newsdet.php?idnews=30711&lan=eng

2012. it's gonna be a grace-filled year!!

who's excited to get a better understanding of my mission this year?

THIS girl. :) yay!

                                                                                                          

be ready

stumbled upon this excerpt from a book written by Sr. Mary Fran Gilleran, IHM, and well, i would say this articulates the actions associated with discernment, quite well. it doesn't make things easier, but it certainly is affirmation that we are never alone with our experiences on discernment. similar theme, similar happenings, and One who is with us through it all. thank goodness. amen.

---

The work of discernment sets a challenge before us. We enter a process of choice and decision-making with many aspects to it. The deepest calls of our lives, the times when we know we have to choose, are profound moments.

These moments always seem to have two sides: call and dread. A call that challenges us, that we know is right, confronts us with dread at the same time. We know this call will require new demands of us. It will require taking on and letting go of familiar patterns and ways of being comfortable. It elicits dread even though we know it is time, it is needed, it is even good for us and for the whole.
- Midwiving a Vibrant Future by Sister Mary Fran Gilleran, IHM