patience in experience

patience. pasensya.

"The word patience comes from the Latin verb patior which means "to suffer."  Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants.  Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes..." - nouwen

Last week at mass, Fr. Carl said something during his homily, that has stuck with me since. He said, "We must be mindful and ask ourselves, are we able to see and experience God in the moments of everyday? or are we constantly waiting for big miracles to happen, for us to trust in God?"

Patience in the little moments, patience in the miracles, and yes, living every moment as if it were a miracle. To be alive! Life is a miracle - yeah, it gets yucky and unfavorable at times when situations don't turn out as we would desire, but truly experiencing the present moment, surrounded by the people that you [we] are surrounded by...I would venture to say, that is miracle and an experience of God in itself.

Just throwin' it out there. But really, we are challenged to ask ourselves that very question:

"Am I able to see and experience God in the moments of everyday? Or am I constantly waiting for big miracles to happen, for me to trust in God?"

mission remains mission.

The other day at work, I had a moment, if you will, when I thought to myself, literally, "dang. my mission totally looks different!" Let me explain.

 
Last Sunday, I had the great opportunity to Skype with Sr. Terezinha - my partner in crime, the Cabrini Sister that pretty much molded me to be the best missionary that I can be, given my circumstances of human weakness and frailty. Of course, she would always remind me, "Catalan, don't look to me as an example. Look to Mother Cabrini. Wait, no - look to Jesus. Mother Cabrini would NOT like that." When I think of missionary, really, I think of Sr. Terezinha. She brain-dumped so much wisdom and past experience from her over 50+ years in mission all over the world, to me, and I could not be more grateful for the ways she has influenced my life...so much, that still, I can hear her voice speaking to me, even though she's in the Philippines! Such a gift it was, to be able to serve with her as my companion on our walk to Emmaus on the streets of Baguio-Benguet for the past two years.

Given that situation, it made me reflect on my mission experience (these moments tend to happen every day and pretty much every blog entry - thanks for listening) - what it is that I did, and spent my time doing during my two-year mission assignment in Baguio City at Save Our School Children Foundation, Inc. (SOSCFI). When people ask me what I did, I start to talk about my work in pastoral ministry - teaching the sacraments...preparing children for First Communion and teens for Confirmation, getting parents ready for Baptism and Marriage, going in and out of the schools teaching the students about how much Jesus loves them, how to serve others which in turn, will shape their communities and eventually the world :), jail ministry, facilitating the arts program...there was lots of work that I spent time doing, working alongside the people.

"Go where the people are." That was one of our mottos.

/well.../

Now, I find myself back in an office. Yes, still collaborating with the community...with students, staff, and faculty, but the way in which I journey through my mission is different now. Looks and feels different, that's for sure. For the past few weeks, I have loaded my brain with knowledge of HTML, how to handle different social media accounts, started training myself on website jargon and how-tos, and started to put together marketing plans for my work. Digging up my knowledge from my two years working for NAM, I started organizing myself and putting together different plans to increase the amount of activity at our hub for social justice. How can I spread the importance of service and gratitude?

Using my sales and marketing experience and discipline from my two years in business has served me well. Though I am working in an office (which I never really thought I would end up doing after working on the streets doing mission work), something feels different. Reflecting on it, I realized, I love the work I am doing right now - my intentions are no longer selling marketing ads (coupons!) to top grossing consumer packaged goods products, but rather, I am now marketing community service opportunities, assisting students in learning more about Catholic Social Teaching, providing meaningful experiences for students to think and act, locally and globally.

I realized, no, I may not be out there with the people, walking up and down the hills, journeying from town to town, jumping on and off jeepneys, asking the people where so and so lives, but my heart and intention remains...just in a different context: connect others with opportunities and assist in offering these experiences for horizons to broaden and worldviews to expand.

Yes, I have so much more of the world to see, but what it is that I have already experienced, what it is that I have seen, it is now my responsibility to share those discoveries with others. My mission was/is never meant for me to trek alone, and that mission was/is never meant to remain solely in my heart...but to be lived out and integrated...no matter where I go.

While I may be situated out of an office - I know my spirit is out there dancing and wandering the streets of the Philippines, making its way in and out of the communities. And I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this point: living out my mission the best way that I can - because only I can do that.

Called to do the best I could, in the situation I am in, with the people I am surrounded by - it's a good life. It's all perspective. Though I am living in an entirely different context in every which way than what I have been used to for the past two years, one thing is for certain: I am called to be here.

And that,
is enough for me.

you are not alone

THANKS for this MP!!!

...such a GREAT depiction of our  re-entry and transition. 

the story of our mission to mission experience.

Phase 1: wooohooo! going back home to see family and friends! "how was the philippines?" "did you see elephants in your backyard?" "how was your vacation?"  ....there's a whole lot of questions - just make sure there's a listening ear for the responses. :)

Phase 2: something has changed...what's going on? who AM i? i need a retreat to help me process my mission experience - there's just so much. and home? i have too many things. there are too many choices. privilege - what do i do with it?

 

Phase 3: Mission to Mission - wait, you're a missioner too? you went overseas also? you know what i'm talking about when i say re-entry and culture shock? you're really going to listen to my story? the good AND the bad? oh wow - ok, let's talk!

 

Phase 4: mission to mission friends, thanks for listening to my story. the good AND the bad. and for not giving me a time limit. and for your insights. crazy how you get ten totally different people in one place for a weekend, find the commonality to be that we had all served overseas, and there's so much head nodding and agreement and understanding - we're totally all in the same boat. different places on the boat...but totally sailing on the same sea. // late night sessions with snacks and treats and storytime and laughing and laughing and laughing and for some reason, always ending on a conversation about poop. what? it's mission.

 

Phase 5: affirmation! we're gonna be OK! :) :) :) reverence our experience, integrate, and learn to be patient and gentle with ourselves during this time of transition!

 

Phase 6: John 15:13 // Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. so good.

solidarity within community

i recently read a reflection written by one of my dearest friends, Charles Mansour, a resident minister at USD, who recently arrived back to the US from serving two years in Micronesia with Jesuit Volunteers International (JVI). this is only an excerpt from the 30-minute talk he had written, but after reading the moving testimony, i just had to share at least a portion.

this then gave me space to reflect on the Body of Christ (Community) witness talk that i gave my senior year of college at USD, an i am reminded of the scripture i ended with:

If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it.We are a part of one another. -1 Corinthians 12:26

and with that, here's the excerpt:

Charles and our other friends as them embark on the Camino

I did the Camino Santiago de Compostela with a few friends of mine after I finished my domestic volunteer work with the Providence Alliance of Catholic Teachers. The Camino is pilgrimage and was intended to be for us a 15 mile per day month long journey of walking and prayer, a way to encounter God in a deeply challenging (physically, mentally, and spiritually) avenue. The experience taught me a lot about myself, one thing being that your body is not made to walk for 15 miles a day for that long a time, but we managed. A real lesson I’ve learned over and over again is just how limited my concept of love and service really is. 

Here we were, these great, faithful, servants of Christ, on a spiritual journey, committing ourselves to deeply exploring our faith for a month-long pilgrimage, and we failed to love a poor individual we encountered on the way. 

One day, while we were at one of the pilgrim hostels, late at night, an elderly lady, sick and limping entered the hostel looking for a place to stay for the night. At first, since she was so late, she was almost refused, but upon seeing her desperation the landlord let her in out of pity. She wore tattered clothing, carried a purse, and was wearing plastic sandals (and there we were in our $600 gear we bought just for the camino). I looked at her and thought, there’s no way she could have walked more than 5 miles to get here. We went to bed, anxious by her presence, slightly fearful that she might rob us, or worse, try to engage us in conversation. That night she kept us up with wheezing and coughing. Great we thought, and a drug addict. Angrily, we awoke super early and departed for the next destination. 

It was a short 8 mile hike, and we realized when we got there that the hostel was closed, so we had to walk an additional 12 miles to get to the next one. We arrived exhausted and ready to eat a sumptuous meal and hit the hay. During dinner, we contemplated what might have happened to the lady who kept us up all night the day before. By the time we finished up, it was pretty late and we retired to our hostel and locked the gate (we were told to open the gate for no one). 

While we were sitting and laughing, we looked up and saw, to our great surprise and dismay the lady with the tattered clothes, purse, and plastic sandals had somehow made it the hostel. We were shocked, and I’m ashamed to say, we were even a little irritated. She began knocking on the door, and we began wrestling with what to do. We were told not to open the gate for anyone, since they won’t have paid for the night, and frankly, we didn’t’ want to open the gate. But how could we sit there in silence, ignoring her pleas? 

A sadness overcame me when I realized just how judgmental and un-loving I was. We actually tried to ignore the knocking, and we tried to sit quietly pretending not to hear. Finally, we looked at each other and said, this isn’t right. What kind of spiritual journey were we on? How self-righteous were we? We opened the door and let her in and sat with her in silence. More out of guilt than love, we offered her a meal and tried to sit with her. Instead, she fell asleep right away and when we awoke she was gone in the morning. We never saw her again. 

There’s a song that Jon Foreman from Switchfoot wrote. It’s called “Somebody’s Daughter” and it shares how every single person in this world, no matter how pitiful they end up, started as somebody’s child. I tried to imagine that woman in a flower print dress, dancing with her father in a field of grass, laughing, being and feeling loved and welcomed. Where was her father today? Who looked at her with those eyes? Who held her with those loving arms? Certainly, not me. I’ll never forget that woman, because she reminded me too clearly that I am called to see with God’s eyes and to love with God’s heart. 

Can you imagine what the world would be like if with every person we encountered we challenged ourselves to see God in them, to acknowledge that they, too, are God’s children, that they are our brothers and sisters, that they are loved as much as we are, that they are as worthy as we are. Service is not just about doing things; it’s not just about getting off our lazy behinds and building houses and providing food for people; it’s about an attitude, a worldview, being a source of love that spreads to others. It’s about acknowledging our presence and place in the intricate web that is the Body of Christ. 

he continues...

Charles' backyard while serving in Micronesia

One of my greatest privileges has been my ability to travel and see the world. And I’ve taken advantage of that privilege, and the more of the world I’ve seen, the more I’ve become aware of just how much God calls me and all of us into service. There’s so many heartbreaking crises out there, and when I’ve immersed myself in them, it’s been some of the deepest healing I’ve experienced. God calls us into brokenness so He can be the one making us whole. 

When I think about my time traveling on Semester at Sea, back backing around Europe, serving in Cairo and Micronesia, and even volunteering here in the States, one thing becomes increasingly clearer to me: I am called to love, and love is both a deep interior feeling but also an action. I am called to love the people here in front of me, those in my extended community, strangers, lost, forgotten, and even people who live hundreds or thousands of miles away. 

The Body of Christ is a whole unit, and every living human is part of that unit, and we are intricately connected. I’ve often realized that one of my greatest privileges is that I can offer myself in service to the poorest of the poor for any given amount of time yet still ultimately have a choice to go back to the life that would await me here in America. That freedom, while a privilege, is a subtle reminder of the tragic disparity we face in this world, the reality that I can choose poverty or wealth while others are forced to live the lives that they were born with. 

My privilege is my freedom of choice, and I pray that I always strive to use that freedom for the betterment of others.

 --

If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it.  We are a part of one another.  -1 Corinthians 12:26

first steps in the newfoundland of the USA

...AND i'm BACK!

this blog update is somewhat a big one, considering i have been putting it off for about four months now. as much as i have wanted to write and share some of my experiences in the past few months, i have also found it to be quite exhausting and emotionally draining when i even think about getting started. sound dramatic? well, it's life. :)

"what are you doing now crystal?" "where are you in the world?" "is it weird being back in the US again?"

so this is my attempt, my first step, if you will, to "get back into the game" and continue sharing some of my musings, epiphanies, realizations on this journey of life that i have been gifted with.

i recently got back from a "re-entry workshop" put on by From Mission to Mission, which is an organization that puts on workshops for returned volunteers and missioners who are now experiencing transition and re-entry back into the United States, their [our] homeland after serving overseas (workshops are also available for domestic volunteers!). in my case, i spent my workshop with ten other volunteers/missioners who served in zambia, bolivia, paraguay, india, guyana, just to name a few, and of course, i threw some asia flavor in there, having served in the philippines. more about that later, but basically, after a very powerful 3-day workshop out in chicago, i am learning, and have learned, my story must live on [no matter and wherever i go], and this blog may just be the very vessel in which it can be best expressed.

so here we go...!!!

[on transition]

upon leaving the US to venture off to mission in the Philippines, i participated in a program called MISO - Maryknoll International Service Orientation held in New York, where i attended different workshops with other volunteer/missioner programs who were preparing to send out volunteers/missioners for overseas mission. after leaving these fruitful workshops, i was so grateful for that opportunity to be "fully equipped" (as much as possible) with resources, good words of advice for the unfortunate times that i could expect, and with rich wisdom shared by the different presenters. during this orientation we also attended workshops on what some of the issues, conflicts, or challenges that overseas missioners/volunteers may experience, including how to or how not to handle romantic relationships abroad, how to stay physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, and also, what it could be like upon re-entry back into the US. here's one of the blog entries from that time: Sept. 2010

little did i know that "culture shock" upon re-entry back into the US would absolutely be that: SHOCK.

in other words, still four months later (after leaving the philippines, 2 months back in the US), i am finally getting used to using a microwave again, finally getting the hang of driving once again (still fearing that people will pop out of nowhere and decide to cross right in front of the car), teaching myself how to use the different social media tools out there (there are so many!), trying not to feel guilty about making more than 5 copies of one-sided handouts, and the list goes on.

and those are just some of the examples of external situations that i am trying to get used to.

on a deeper level...a lot can happen in two years. dang, a lot can happen in a month - in a week. life doesn't stop, and people change. relationships change. i come back to the US, and i am not the same crystal. my friends are not carbon copies of who they were when i last left them. it takes time to get used to relationships again. i come back to the US and some of my friends are married, my facebook is flooded with pictures of marriages and couples with their 2nd and 3rd child. what? so beautiful! ...but something to get used to. filling out applications, asking for my "home address," that question resounds in my head. "home.." "home.." where is home? after living abroad for two years and experiencing an incredibly different life over on an island in the pacific, everything seems to have shaken up the cells inside of me.

after leaving the philippines in july, i was home for a week, went to fatima, portugal for a week, went home again for a week, then left for two months to swaziland. i then came back for a day, packed all my clothes, and made a move out east that next morning. operating on auto-pilot, i basically re-packed all of my clothes from the philippines (since those were the clothes i was used to), stuffed 'em in two suitcases, with room to spare, and trekked over to the east coast.

the problem? the weather on the east coast is NOT the tropical weather i have grown accustomed to in the philippines. what i realized is that what i thought was "normal" daily clothing in the philippines, which was basically a clean t-shirt and jeans, does not necessarily suffice as typically appropriate attire for mass or an office job in the US. dang. that was a moment when i realized my mind was not fully here yet.

as i could still hear julie from "From Mission to Mission share from past experience, "my spirit has not caught up with me yet."

this place of "liminality" if you will, is quite uncomfortable. it's like trying to fit into some new skin, in a new society and goin' with it, while also trying to be intentionally aware of these changes that i am experiencing in and all around me. it's getting used to change on the surface level, but definitely experiencing transition on the internal level. all at the same time. my opinions have changed, my frame of reference has changed, my way of seeing the world and understanding the global community has changed. and i would like to think, for the better.

sure, i've served abroad every summer for 5 years in the philippines, but after living there...it's a whole 'nother conversation.  

i am now learning how to integrate what i have experienced and lived in the philippines, into where i am now in the USA. my homeland which used to be so familiar, is not so much easy of a space to live in anymore. the west coast is very different from the east coast. sure, the privileges are quite the same, but still, it's different. i still recall many of the good times and the not-so-good times in my wonderland of the philippines, and now here i am, back in this country that used to be so familiar, the land that many immigrants try to make their way to, and i find myself discovering and exploring this newfoundland of the US. all the while, granting myself grace, patience, and gentleness during this time of transition, but dang. let me tell you. it. is. difficult.

the grace? my life on mission in the philippines gave me a renewed heart which has permeated every part of me and i have a whole community on the other side of the world that i am now in solidarity with.

despite the difficulties in transition, the "re-entry" part i understand, IS part of my mission in life. this mission was never simply something that only i would experience for an x amount of time, but rather, i believe it is my responsibilitiy to carry on the gifts and graces from the philippines and to share them with those i am now surrounded by.

so with that being said, here i am.

...i saw what i saw.

one foot at a time.

At God's Pace

Evelyn Underhill

There is no real occasion for tumult, strain, conflict, anxiety, once we have reached the living conviction that God is All. All takes place within God. God alone matters; God alone is. Our spiritual life is God's affair, because whatever we may think to the contrary, it is really produced by God's steady attraction and our humble and self-forgetful response to it. It consists in being drawn, at God's pace and in God's way, to the place where God wants us to be. // Source: The Soul's Delight

Gospel as News

  Absolutely New and Profoundly Disturbing

Thomas Merton

The greatest temptation that assails Christians is that in effect, for most of us, the Gospel has ceased to be news. And if it is not news it is not Gospel: for the Gospel is the proclamation of something absolutely new, everlastingly new, not a message that was once new but is now two thousand years old.... The message of the Gospel when it was first preached was profoundly disturbing to those who wanted to cling to well-established religious patterns, the ancient and accepted ways, the ways that were not dangerous and which contained no surprises.

Source: Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander