so i am reading the naked now (learning to see as the mystics see) by richard rohr, a franciscan. because i have had multiple conversations with marie about mysticism and how she will straight up call me a mystic after many of my reflection sessions with her, i picked up this book at LA congress, this past april. i wanted to learn more, and besides, rohr is pretty remarkable. it's a very engaging book (i tend to jump from reading section to section, in it - and it is advised that that is ok to do!), and these are excerpts from one of my favorite chapters, called: "Yes, But":
* Yes, the mind is necessary, but it can't do everything.
* Yes, the mind can achieve great things, but through overcontrol, it can also limit what we can know.
* Yes, the mind can think great thoughts, and also bad and limiting ones. The mind can be a gift and a curse.
* Yes, the mind can tell left from right, but it cannot perceive invisible things such as love, eternity, fear, wholeness, mystery, or the Divine.
* Yes, the mind can discern consistency, logic, and fairness, but it seldom puts these into practice.
* Yes, the mind is brilliant, but the more we observe it, the more we see it is also obsessive and repetitive.
* Yes, the mind likes to think, but until it learns to listen to others, to the body, the heart, and all the senses, it also uses itself to block everything it does not like to do or to acknowledge.
* Yes, the mind welcomes education, but it also needs to be uneducated, to learn how much of what it "knows" is actually mere conditioning and prejudice.
...and so there it is. i think this chapter really spoke to me, because at times, i feel my mind taking over, or i tend to think too much about a particular thing. perhaps it will be easier to describe, via enneagram talk. soooo i'm an 8. much of how i function can be attributed to my gut-ness. given the head, the heart, and the gut in terms of impulse, and dissection, i'm the gut. i'm usually quick to respond, and i'm usually like, boom! - there you have it, go!
however, a big part of me is also the head part. but perhaps not so much in the sit back and observe kinda way, but moreso, the, have a thought, and obsess with it for longer than necessary way. and that, my friend, is not always healthy. like, ever. cause then i just end up worrying and freaking out, and then i have to remind myself of the lilies of the field. go figure. yeah, matthew 6:34. :)
i also think this chapter spoke to me, because it reminded me of how i will sometimes be such a thought-filled person, that i actually forget to feel, to experience, and moreso, to allow myself to feel how i do, in any given situation. ignatius says it's super important to "savor moments" - ok, maybe he didn't say, "super important," but you get the idea - it is definitely a big part of ignatian spirituality. as a result, that has been a long-time criticism that i have received from family and friends. "crys, you're so not touchy feely," "crys, why are you so cut and dry, black and white?" i think that's just how i function - HOWEVER! i will say, that this year taught me a lot, and i will say, that i feel, yes, FEEL, that i grew a lot in this area.
i have definitely been able to express myself more freely, and being influenced in such a good way, by way of my darlings, michelle and mary, and my mission year, and ignatian spirituality...pretty much the lovers of my life, my heart is able to talk a little bit more, and be present a little bit more. it's just difficult at times, which is why this chapter on yes, but, really brings this reality to life. yes, the mind is great, oh so important, etc., but it can not exist without the body, the heart, the senses.
these brief excerpts are such great reminders! this really came to life when i was at rikers island this past wednesday. i remember as we were leaving sister eileen's car, i asked her if i can take some paper and a pen with me so i can write things down, in case i wanted to journal - she said, no, don't worry about it, i have paper and a pen in my office if you need it. well, we all know me - i at least ALWAYS have my cell phone with me, so that i can make notes in it, or SOMETHING...but nope - crystal had NOTHING...except a see through container of dinner, and well, me, BUT...that was a lot!
sure, i did a complete brain dump unto my journal pages come the 10pm time when i got home from rikers island, but there were times at rikers, that i had to remind myself, crystal, yes, take a mental note (cause i would want to remember some of the key things i heard from the women, or key moments i wanted to re-live), but just be there, and take a note of how you actually feel. and when i would do that, that's when my eyes would become blurred with tears. it was such a release, each time.
as analytical as my mind is, it really does get in the way sometimes, but i have really found how taking a personal inventory of how i am feeling in given situations, really can help dictate decisions or perspective.
it's in listening to my heart, but also, allowing myself to feel my heart, and getting in touch with what it is saying, that gets me. active listening, if you will. and actually going and moving, in that exact direction.
hmm...and that's exactly what happened pretty much a year ago today - which is when i first came across cabrini mission corps. i listened to my heart, made the call, and prayed for something good! if i remember correctly, i couldn't wait for memorial day to be over, cause the office was closed. but come that next day, i would eventually have a 40 minute preliminary conversation with gina, our director.
crazy how this tuesday will be my last official meeting with my spiritual director on the spiritual exericses. and a year ago from tuesday, was my first conversation with gina. amazing.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
love and peace. my five hours at rikers island.
"what are the red lines and the yellow lines?" // "stay to the right" ...the red lines are on the right.
just so you know, it's a lot. here you go:
my spiritual director serves as a retreat director among other roles, at a jesuit retreat center in upstate new york. as a result, she has come to know many sisters, missionaries, and many other men and women serving in different ministries throughout her years...AND one of those people she connected me with, is sister eileen, with the sisters of charity. :)
sister eileen, who i have only been in contact with through email, about 3 times, serves as a chaplain to women on rikers island. yup, rikers island. the sign says, "new york's boldest" - it is a correctional facility. it is a jail, it is the place where men and women go, if they are convicted for a crime. and so, begins my journey...
after hearing only stories from my students about conditions on rikers island, and hearing "miss, why the HECK would you go there?" from each one of them, i finally trekked on over there, to meet some of the women, talk with them, pray with them, help lead a prayer service with them, and serve alongside sister eileen. wow.
take the A train, to the E train, to the Q100 --> rikers island. it could not have worked more perfect. seamless even...despite the fact that i relied on "google maps" and sr. eileen saying, as soon as you see the large white sign that says "rikers island," you will get off in about 2 seconds, i made it. i got out of the E train, and stood in the 94 degree heat, and what seemed to be 80% humidity, black slacks, black wedges, purple banana republic shirt, looking for the Q100. where the HECK was i. there was a man sitting on a chair, who just finished whistling at a girl as she walked by, and he was selling books. because there was no one else in sight, i asked him, excuse me, where is the Q100? he said to make a right, and i should see the stop on the corner.
i turned the corner, and saw the Q100...ready to depart. READY...GO!!! i ran...hard. fast. for those of you who know me, i don't run...however, this time, i had a cheer team. there were about 4 guys that i passed on my half block marathon, and yes, i got a lot of, "get it girl," "run!" comments...i caught my breath, caught the driver, and said, "excuse me sir, does this bus go to rikers island?" he said yes. and so i went, and proceeded to sit next to a woman in scrubs.
i called my mom, and told her i was going to a jail - i figured she should know what i was doing that afternoon/evening, and i figured she could lift me up in prayer. at first she was like, WHAT? where are you going? what? with who? BY YOURSELF? what? and then i said, yes mom. she then said, are you scared? i was taken aback. after 5 seconds, in my mind and heart, i said, ah, i think so. what i allowed to come out, was, um, kinda - it'll be ok though. and so i proceeded to stay alert, look for the big white sign that said, rikers island, and i immediately felt butterflies in my stomach. it wasn't the butterflies of excitement like i get before i go to disneyland, but it was the butterflies, of whoa, crystal, you're really doing this.
i eventually saw the white sign, and got really anxious, and proceeded to get up, because the bus driver stopped - and then i said, wait, is this the stop before the bridge? and he said, no, just one more. the woman next to me, said, there's one more stop. just wait a little bit. and so i did, and i got dropped off. under a red shed in a parking lot. there were little whispies in the air everywhere. it looked like there was a city pillow fight no one told me about, and you would win if you succeeded in getting rid of all the feathers in your pillow. i called sr. eileen, told her i was there, and she said she was on her way, and to hang tight. hang tight, i did.
it was hot - so very hot. i was able to find a pocket of shade under the shed, but that did not block the whispies from getting in my contacts, stuck in my iphone, and the heat to overcome me. i watched as the cars passed by - the families, the friends, attorneys of the inmates, the buses which said "CORRECTIONS" on them, the people who would make this trek everyday.
i looked to my left, and saw a friendly woman in a pink floral shirt and khaki colored slacks, bearing a cross. SR.EILEEN!!! i gave her a hug, and we were on our way. we drove to the end of the parking lot to the office where we would be able to check if i got the clearance to enter the jail. sr. eileen double-checked with them earlier this week and they promised her it was there.
well, it was! as soon as i got it, she said, you know, it's a miracle that you got this. this was too easy. God must have really wanted you here today. and so we went. go through one stop point, go through another, and when you're rollin with the chaplain, you get to drive directly TO the jail. we didn't have to park far and walk. she drove me around, showed me the offices, showed me the different jail complexes, and explained to me that every jail has 4 chaplains: jewish, protestant, muslim, and catholic. she serves the women there, and has been there for 3 years.
and so i went...i entered the jail and with my plastic container of food for dinner, in a plastic see through bag, i was able to enter the jail after giving my california drivers license as my form of ID. i walked through the metal detector, and i was in. no pat down, no questioning, no interrogation, no hands on me. so i went and met some of the correction officers. we were then in a cell, or holding area, rather, waiting to get the keys to her office - we would then receive these keys through a metal slot. once you are in this holding area, you are IN it. with automatic sliding prison bars, i felt like this was an intro to the jail. here, we had to wait for a corrections officer to serve as an escort. sister was able to walk around freely, but not me. i was not THAT legit yet.
haha, so we waited for a little bit - normally this could take who knows how long, because these officers are up and down, cruisin the halls, pulled in different directions, always...so to get an escort is a situation. well, by the grace of God, we stumbled upon one, and she was gracious enough to delay her dinner, and take us to where we would be holding our prayer service. GRATEFULNESS. timing so perfect that she was there, as soon as we needed someone? YES. absolutely. was that a "God-thing?" YES.
as soon as she came to our side, walking by, we went. i asked questions, like, what is the red line? what is the yellow line?, looked at the metal detectors in every corridor that the women had to walk through always, saw the first glimpses of women in two straight, orderly filed lines walking to dinner, monitored by officers, looked out the window to the recreational area (a huge area of blacktop, wooden benches along the perimeter, creating a box, and four basketball courts. it is what it is. as we walked, i would hear the women say, "hi sister," to sister eileen - she gave them a smile, said hello, and i did the same. visitors, regardless of who they were there, or WHY they were there - it didn't matter. you were someone different. someone from the outside.
before stopping to the chaplain area, i had the chance to step inside the bin. what is that? it's solitary confinement. it is the place where women live, by themselves, locked up, no windows, except for a small vertical rectangular glass window as a means of visual contact. underneath the window are approximately 10 small holes (the diameter of an eraser on a pencil top), and that is the voice box. this is how sister eileen would speak with them. if it would be difficult to hear, which, most times it is, she would talk to them through the small crease of air that separates the door from the door frame. physical contact? they would place their hands on the glass, and pray that the glass would transmit that physical contact. they would receive their meals through the metal slots that i only see at sketchy gasoline stations that are always coupled with bulletproof glass. yup, same thing. 23 hours in solitary confinement. silver toilet, silver sink, mirror, and wire bed with thin 3 inch mattress. no windows. 23 hours in solitary confinement, one hour for recreation. visits from the chaplain. go to court. that is their life. need to go to the shower? have a visitor? you are shackled, you are handcuffed.
sister eileen carried flowers with her for the prayer service. one of the women was going to see a visitor, and she said with a huge smile on her face, hi sister! wow! what beautiful flowers! sister eileen said, i'd give you one, but i don't know where to put -- hold on. she cut off the flower, and placed it in the woman's jumpsuit. the woman said thank you, and went on her way, handcuffed with the officer. it was in that moment where she did not have freedom to use her hands to hold the flower, since she was handcuffed, that something clicked in me. this is how she lives. what? i don't understand this.
sr. eileen then told me that the women really like flowers. they notice them - it's something fresh that they don't always see. i'm not someone who is terribly in love with flowers, but really, after seeing that woman's face light up at the sight of the daisies, i think that changed everything for me. two floors of locked up cells, stale smell, some yells to communicate with one another, between the units...that was the bin. i wasn't scared...just in disbelief that this exists.
we made it to the sister's office, and she told me some of her experiences in the jail. yes, some women deserve to be consequenced for their wrongdoings...others, they were innocent. others, they were awaiting court dates, others, they were framed...by boyfriends, husbands, family members, traffickers. the women would write notes and the notes would get delivered to the officers to slip to sister's door.
* can i please have a stamp?
* can i please have a pair of underwear?
* can i please have a bra?
* would you please allow me to make a phone call to (name the country)?
this was sister eileen's everyday. things i take for granted, and things i would not normally think twice about.
after sister told me that some women were going to be released because truth was told that the women were actually innocent, my next question was, how do you prove innocence? and it takes SUCH A LONG PROCESS to prove this? it made me sick to my stomach. i just don't understand...a lot of what i heard, was just inhumane. just, not right. that was the worst part.
sister eileen invited two of the women to come down and talk with me. wow. she told them that i would be going to the philippines to serve as a missionary, and i wanted to visit a prison here, to see what it was like, and to spend time with them. no, no officer was needed, no supervision was needed - it was just perfect.
i could not believe the number of connections i had with one of the women. from upbringing, to hearing her life story, to feel her heart as she spoke to me, and told me about her life, and life in prison - it was amazing. she's writing a book - one, meant for women in jail, to help them reflect and draw awareness to themselves. they were tools that women can do to better themselves. she told me i was practically a sister because of the work i do, regardless of the fact that i haven't made vows like sr. eileen - she told me i was inspiring. she was in her 40s.
she said, "i'm so thankful for sr. eileen. because she gave me a sweater, i got to wear that for six months. i don't know how i would have made it otherwise." all you have when you enter the prison, is what you are wearing when you are convicted...otherwise, you must rely on others to bring you clothes. otherwise, you are in the clothes you entered with, and you are constantly reminded of that dreadful day. being given the gift of a sweatshirt, one that you can wear everyday for the first six months you are there, that is a gift.
there were prostitutes, there were women who were traffickers, women who murdered, women who committed theft, money laundering. something that one of the women told me was, "you know, something i loved about sr. eileen is that she saw me, for me. she did not see me, or define me by my crime." one woman told sr. eileen, " i don't know why you work here. if you spent one night here, you would not want to come here, OR work here. " sr. eileen, without skipping a beat, said, "well, maybe i need to spend a night here, and see what it's like. " wow. yes.
the prayer service consisted of the women thinking about how they felt at that moment. immediately, tears started falling - left and right. an adolescent started to comfort the older woman to her left. i heard them start saying, loneliness, confusion, blessed, hopeful, too much happy, concerned. it was an outpouring of emotion, and there was liberation there too. they knew it was a sacred space, and they treated it as such. we listened to a song, listed to the Word, then split into a spanish group and an english group. as soon as i sat down, they said, ok, whatever is said in this group, stays in the group between our sisters. the woman started reflecting on what gifts they felt God gave to them...followed by what gifts they wanted from God - what did they need from God?
when a girl said she did not know what gifts she had, cause she didn't think she had any, immediately, another woman was like, your smile! whenever you smile, it provides comfort, and it makes me smile! the affirmation among one another, the gifts they were able to notice in themselves (nurture, love, understanding, wisdom, counsel), the gifts they wanted from God (peace, safety, understanding, love)...they were able to express it, freely express it. and support one another through it.
they then wrote these prayers of thanksgiving, and desires on a small piece of pink paper, folded it, and held onto it. sr. eileen held a basket out, and as each woman dropped her prayer in the basket, they came to me, and i got to give them a blessing with holy water.
each one of them, made the cross on their forehead, a peace prayer song playing in the background. as i gave them the blessing, i would just see tears streaming down their faces. there was a desire there, i could see it - for healing, for peace, for something...it wasn't all sad, but there was a lot of sadness in the room. but there was hope too, and there was thanksgiving - one of the women heard news that her two daughters were together once again and were no longer separated. one of them just found out she would be released within the week.
sr. eileen gave the holy water to one of the girls, and she blessed me. the woman said, say what she said to you when she blessed you! the girl, nervous, said, i forget! the woman said, "may god's peace and love be with you always." and so she blessed me, and i said thank you.
intentions followed - for the incarcerated, for those dying on the streets, for those who were suffering, for their families, for their families' safety, for hope...for sister crystal who will be going to the philippines. AMEN.
after it ended, a few of the women gave me a hug, and one of them said, good luck with everything. for some reason, i think i will see you again - i don't know why, but i just have this feeling. i was really moved by that, especially since she sat next to me in the circle and we both laughed and joked about the fact that we both need more patience in our lives. :)
God is SO with the poor. sister eileen told me that, as we debriefed in the car. it is not that God is any more with them than with you or me, but moreso, in this state of vulnerability, openness, and DESIRE, it is so much easier to detect God's presence. sister eileen told me stories of transformation, of healing she witnessed, of forgiveness she saw...and it is in all of this, that she would see God. with the gift of being able to bless each of the women, i saw God. it was so apparent to me - and it was beautiful.
thanks for listening and reading about my experience. i think that's it for now.
just so you know, it's a lot. here you go:
my spiritual director serves as a retreat director among other roles, at a jesuit retreat center in upstate new york. as a result, she has come to know many sisters, missionaries, and many other men and women serving in different ministries throughout her years...AND one of those people she connected me with, is sister eileen, with the sisters of charity. :)
sister eileen, who i have only been in contact with through email, about 3 times, serves as a chaplain to women on rikers island. yup, rikers island. the sign says, "new york's boldest" - it is a correctional facility. it is a jail, it is the place where men and women go, if they are convicted for a crime. and so, begins my journey...
after hearing only stories from my students about conditions on rikers island, and hearing "miss, why the HECK would you go there?" from each one of them, i finally trekked on over there, to meet some of the women, talk with them, pray with them, help lead a prayer service with them, and serve alongside sister eileen. wow.
take the A train, to the E train, to the Q100 --> rikers island. it could not have worked more perfect. seamless even...despite the fact that i relied on "google maps" and sr. eileen saying, as soon as you see the large white sign that says "rikers island," you will get off in about 2 seconds, i made it. i got out of the E train, and stood in the 94 degree heat, and what seemed to be 80% humidity, black slacks, black wedges, purple banana republic shirt, looking for the Q100. where the HECK was i. there was a man sitting on a chair, who just finished whistling at a girl as she walked by, and he was selling books. because there was no one else in sight, i asked him, excuse me, where is the Q100? he said to make a right, and i should see the stop on the corner.
i turned the corner, and saw the Q100...ready to depart. READY...GO!!! i ran...hard. fast. for those of you who know me, i don't run...however, this time, i had a cheer team. there were about 4 guys that i passed on my half block marathon, and yes, i got a lot of, "get it girl," "run!" comments...i caught my breath, caught the driver, and said, "excuse me sir, does this bus go to rikers island?" he said yes. and so i went, and proceeded to sit next to a woman in scrubs.
i called my mom, and told her i was going to a jail - i figured she should know what i was doing that afternoon/evening, and i figured she could lift me up in prayer. at first she was like, WHAT? where are you going? what? with who? BY YOURSELF? what? and then i said, yes mom. she then said, are you scared? i was taken aback. after 5 seconds, in my mind and heart, i said, ah, i think so. what i allowed to come out, was, um, kinda - it'll be ok though. and so i proceeded to stay alert, look for the big white sign that said, rikers island, and i immediately felt butterflies in my stomach. it wasn't the butterflies of excitement like i get before i go to disneyland, but it was the butterflies, of whoa, crystal, you're really doing this.
i eventually saw the white sign, and got really anxious, and proceeded to get up, because the bus driver stopped - and then i said, wait, is this the stop before the bridge? and he said, no, just one more. the woman next to me, said, there's one more stop. just wait a little bit. and so i did, and i got dropped off. under a red shed in a parking lot. there were little whispies in the air everywhere. it looked like there was a city pillow fight no one told me about, and you would win if you succeeded in getting rid of all the feathers in your pillow. i called sr. eileen, told her i was there, and she said she was on her way, and to hang tight. hang tight, i did.
it was hot - so very hot. i was able to find a pocket of shade under the shed, but that did not block the whispies from getting in my contacts, stuck in my iphone, and the heat to overcome me. i watched as the cars passed by - the families, the friends, attorneys of the inmates, the buses which said "CORRECTIONS" on them, the people who would make this trek everyday.
i looked to my left, and saw a friendly woman in a pink floral shirt and khaki colored slacks, bearing a cross. SR.EILEEN!!! i gave her a hug, and we were on our way. we drove to the end of the parking lot to the office where we would be able to check if i got the clearance to enter the jail. sr. eileen double-checked with them earlier this week and they promised her it was there.
well, it was! as soon as i got it, she said, you know, it's a miracle that you got this. this was too easy. God must have really wanted you here today. and so we went. go through one stop point, go through another, and when you're rollin with the chaplain, you get to drive directly TO the jail. we didn't have to park far and walk. she drove me around, showed me the offices, showed me the different jail complexes, and explained to me that every jail has 4 chaplains: jewish, protestant, muslim, and catholic. she serves the women there, and has been there for 3 years.
and so i went...i entered the jail and with my plastic container of food for dinner, in a plastic see through bag, i was able to enter the jail after giving my california drivers license as my form of ID. i walked through the metal detector, and i was in. no pat down, no questioning, no interrogation, no hands on me. so i went and met some of the correction officers. we were then in a cell, or holding area, rather, waiting to get the keys to her office - we would then receive these keys through a metal slot. once you are in this holding area, you are IN it. with automatic sliding prison bars, i felt like this was an intro to the jail. here, we had to wait for a corrections officer to serve as an escort. sister was able to walk around freely, but not me. i was not THAT legit yet.
haha, so we waited for a little bit - normally this could take who knows how long, because these officers are up and down, cruisin the halls, pulled in different directions, always...so to get an escort is a situation. well, by the grace of God, we stumbled upon one, and she was gracious enough to delay her dinner, and take us to where we would be holding our prayer service. GRATEFULNESS. timing so perfect that she was there, as soon as we needed someone? YES. absolutely. was that a "God-thing?" YES.
as soon as she came to our side, walking by, we went. i asked questions, like, what is the red line? what is the yellow line?, looked at the metal detectors in every corridor that the women had to walk through always, saw the first glimpses of women in two straight, orderly filed lines walking to dinner, monitored by officers, looked out the window to the recreational area (a huge area of blacktop, wooden benches along the perimeter, creating a box, and four basketball courts. it is what it is. as we walked, i would hear the women say, "hi sister," to sister eileen - she gave them a smile, said hello, and i did the same. visitors, regardless of who they were there, or WHY they were there - it didn't matter. you were someone different. someone from the outside.
before stopping to the chaplain area, i had the chance to step inside the bin. what is that? it's solitary confinement. it is the place where women live, by themselves, locked up, no windows, except for a small vertical rectangular glass window as a means of visual contact. underneath the window are approximately 10 small holes (the diameter of an eraser on a pencil top), and that is the voice box. this is how sister eileen would speak with them. if it would be difficult to hear, which, most times it is, she would talk to them through the small crease of air that separates the door from the door frame. physical contact? they would place their hands on the glass, and pray that the glass would transmit that physical contact. they would receive their meals through the metal slots that i only see at sketchy gasoline stations that are always coupled with bulletproof glass. yup, same thing. 23 hours in solitary confinement. silver toilet, silver sink, mirror, and wire bed with thin 3 inch mattress. no windows. 23 hours in solitary confinement, one hour for recreation. visits from the chaplain. go to court. that is their life. need to go to the shower? have a visitor? you are shackled, you are handcuffed.
sister eileen carried flowers with her for the prayer service. one of the women was going to see a visitor, and she said with a huge smile on her face, hi sister! wow! what beautiful flowers! sister eileen said, i'd give you one, but i don't know where to put -- hold on. she cut off the flower, and placed it in the woman's jumpsuit. the woman said thank you, and went on her way, handcuffed with the officer. it was in that moment where she did not have freedom to use her hands to hold the flower, since she was handcuffed, that something clicked in me. this is how she lives. what? i don't understand this.
sr. eileen then told me that the women really like flowers. they notice them - it's something fresh that they don't always see. i'm not someone who is terribly in love with flowers, but really, after seeing that woman's face light up at the sight of the daisies, i think that changed everything for me. two floors of locked up cells, stale smell, some yells to communicate with one another, between the units...that was the bin. i wasn't scared...just in disbelief that this exists.
we made it to the sister's office, and she told me some of her experiences in the jail. yes, some women deserve to be consequenced for their wrongdoings...others, they were innocent. others, they were awaiting court dates, others, they were framed...by boyfriends, husbands, family members, traffickers. the women would write notes and the notes would get delivered to the officers to slip to sister's door.
* can i please have a stamp?
* can i please have a pair of underwear?
* can i please have a bra?
* would you please allow me to make a phone call to (name the country)?
this was sister eileen's everyday. things i take for granted, and things i would not normally think twice about.
after sister told me that some women were going to be released because truth was told that the women were actually innocent, my next question was, how do you prove innocence? and it takes SUCH A LONG PROCESS to prove this? it made me sick to my stomach. i just don't understand...a lot of what i heard, was just inhumane. just, not right. that was the worst part.
sister eileen invited two of the women to come down and talk with me. wow. she told them that i would be going to the philippines to serve as a missionary, and i wanted to visit a prison here, to see what it was like, and to spend time with them. no, no officer was needed, no supervision was needed - it was just perfect.
i could not believe the number of connections i had with one of the women. from upbringing, to hearing her life story, to feel her heart as she spoke to me, and told me about her life, and life in prison - it was amazing. she's writing a book - one, meant for women in jail, to help them reflect and draw awareness to themselves. they were tools that women can do to better themselves. she told me i was practically a sister because of the work i do, regardless of the fact that i haven't made vows like sr. eileen - she told me i was inspiring. she was in her 40s.
she said, "i'm so thankful for sr. eileen. because she gave me a sweater, i got to wear that for six months. i don't know how i would have made it otherwise." all you have when you enter the prison, is what you are wearing when you are convicted...otherwise, you must rely on others to bring you clothes. otherwise, you are in the clothes you entered with, and you are constantly reminded of that dreadful day. being given the gift of a sweatshirt, one that you can wear everyday for the first six months you are there, that is a gift.
there were prostitutes, there were women who were traffickers, women who murdered, women who committed theft, money laundering. something that one of the women told me was, "you know, something i loved about sr. eileen is that she saw me, for me. she did not see me, or define me by my crime." one woman told sr. eileen, " i don't know why you work here. if you spent one night here, you would not want to come here, OR work here. " sr. eileen, without skipping a beat, said, "well, maybe i need to spend a night here, and see what it's like. " wow. yes.
the prayer service consisted of the women thinking about how they felt at that moment. immediately, tears started falling - left and right. an adolescent started to comfort the older woman to her left. i heard them start saying, loneliness, confusion, blessed, hopeful, too much happy, concerned. it was an outpouring of emotion, and there was liberation there too. they knew it was a sacred space, and they treated it as such. we listened to a song, listed to the Word, then split into a spanish group and an english group. as soon as i sat down, they said, ok, whatever is said in this group, stays in the group between our sisters. the woman started reflecting on what gifts they felt God gave to them...followed by what gifts they wanted from God - what did they need from God?
when a girl said she did not know what gifts she had, cause she didn't think she had any, immediately, another woman was like, your smile! whenever you smile, it provides comfort, and it makes me smile! the affirmation among one another, the gifts they were able to notice in themselves (nurture, love, understanding, wisdom, counsel), the gifts they wanted from God (peace, safety, understanding, love)...they were able to express it, freely express it. and support one another through it.
they then wrote these prayers of thanksgiving, and desires on a small piece of pink paper, folded it, and held onto it. sr. eileen held a basket out, and as each woman dropped her prayer in the basket, they came to me, and i got to give them a blessing with holy water.
each one of them, made the cross on their forehead, a peace prayer song playing in the background. as i gave them the blessing, i would just see tears streaming down their faces. there was a desire there, i could see it - for healing, for peace, for something...it wasn't all sad, but there was a lot of sadness in the room. but there was hope too, and there was thanksgiving - one of the women heard news that her two daughters were together once again and were no longer separated. one of them just found out she would be released within the week.
sr. eileen gave the holy water to one of the girls, and she blessed me. the woman said, say what she said to you when she blessed you! the girl, nervous, said, i forget! the woman said, "may god's peace and love be with you always." and so she blessed me, and i said thank you.
intentions followed - for the incarcerated, for those dying on the streets, for those who were suffering, for their families, for their families' safety, for hope...for sister crystal who will be going to the philippines. AMEN.
after it ended, a few of the women gave me a hug, and one of them said, good luck with everything. for some reason, i think i will see you again - i don't know why, but i just have this feeling. i was really moved by that, especially since she sat next to me in the circle and we both laughed and joked about the fact that we both need more patience in our lives. :)
God is SO with the poor. sister eileen told me that, as we debriefed in the car. it is not that God is any more with them than with you or me, but moreso, in this state of vulnerability, openness, and DESIRE, it is so much easier to detect God's presence. sister eileen told me stories of transformation, of healing she witnessed, of forgiveness she saw...and it is in all of this, that she would see God. with the gift of being able to bless each of the women, i saw God. it was so apparent to me - and it was beautiful.
thanks for listening and reading about my experience. i think that's it for now.
Monday, May 24, 2010
it's a gift. it really is.
“I can only promise that as I continue to figure out who I am and discover the peace and happiness in my life that was missing for so long, I will continue to heal."
this sentence really struck me, as i read through some letters that one of the students at the school shared with me. she's writing a book - a mere approximate 36 pages, consisting of letters. these letters though, are not just letters. they are feelings and they are emotions that i could recall from growing up myself. being raised out of a divorced family, being the youngest child in the family, seeking to find God, trying to find happiness, and searching for the peace that i knew lingered out there, but didn't know where i could find it...i feel the connection. the fact that she can freely share her life with me, and the fact that she would demand that i read it, so that i can then proofread it, so that she can give me a copy as soon as i leave cabrini...i had to run to the bathroom to get some tissues. i remember that part. it then was followed by a, "girl, we will need to finish this tomorrow. too much for one day! go to class. " she understood though. let the emotions run.
sister dianne and sister james told me yesterday in a brief stop-by in the kitchen, as i was running out to mass, that the missionary lifestyle is not easy. i could not have agreed with that more. i think it's the whole, not exactly knowing when you will be transferred part, but also the whole, knowing when you will be transferred to your next mission part, and leaving your loved ones/friends/companions behind part. even more than that, it's the whole, maintaining relationships and reflecting on the past moments shared part. it's not easy. maybe difficult, even.and then there's the whole, how, and when to begin the process of debriefing my time here in new york part. two of the students shared with me though and it was funny how they reminded me though, that, i got to build such close relationships with the students here. one of the students was like, "miss, it would have been ten times worse if we could not wait for you to leave, but instead, it's the opposite. we don't want you to go!" and i suppose, you know, that's awesome. i DID build great relationships here, and more and more of the students' vulnerabilities are coming out - especially seniors, in expressing their surprising reality of sadness and bittersweetness to leaving high school. with every end, comes new beginnings.
and really though, i think it is just so great that the holy spirit is everywhere in our midst. thank God for that.
more endings and processing, and ramblings on endings and processing, and transition lamentations, and transition joys, and tears of bittersweetness, and excitement, and goodness, and God-filled moments, and inspired words on mission, and love, and being sent forth, to come.
yup - let's do this. :)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
always working miracles...
"Finding Parking Spots" (5.18.10) - by Tom Gibbons (a seminarian blogger featured on Busted Halo (www.bustedhalo.com)
The word “saint” is a pretty loaded term in our lexicon. For many, they conjure up images of those who have reached spiritual heights the rest of us could never hope to attain. For others, they conjure up images of marble statues, figures ensconced in stony forms that seem to highlight some of the more inflexible aspects of our Catholic tradition. Of course the most common understanding of the word is the definition of a person who always, always, ALWAYS does the right thing… sort of a holy Dudley Do-Right. The term even caused modern day “Servant of God” Dorothy Day to remark, “Don’t call me a saint… I don’t want to be dismissed so easily.”
I have to confess, even as a lifelong Catholic I could not always admit to understanding the “saint thing” either. It was not until I was at a conference held a number of years ago that discussed the similarities between culture and faith that I managed to gain a foothold on understanding how they fit into our lives… and why I sometimes struggled with this concept. Because in our American culture, we tend not to believe in ancestral spirits. We tend to believe that once people are gone, they are gone. Those who have gone before us do not hang around, they do not inhabit our lives, giving us direction, guiding us, and helping smooth our paths in this life as a preparation for the next one.
Which is a shame, because as I discovered this summer, saints can come in very handy when trying to look for parking spots.
This past summer I was working as a hospital chaplain in New York City. So one day after work, a future rabbi, a future minister, and a future priest (me) walked into a bar. Actually the “future minister” was actually a “future Episcopal priest,” but the story sounds better as a joke to simply say a minister. But I digress… before we walked into that bar, we drove around Greenwich Village for ten minutes looking for a parking spot. If any of you have ever tried parking a car in Greenwich Village, I don’t recommend it. After an additional five minutes, I offered my Catholic assistance.
“Mother Cabrini, Mother Cabrini… DON’T BE A MEANY… please find a spot for my machiney.”
Should you ever use this prayer for yourself—no matter what your faith background may be—the “don’t be a meany” part is very important.
In the very next moment we turn the corner and—again, it’s important to point out that this is taking place in car-littered lower Manhattan—lo and behold, there was a spot right in front of the place where we were going. The two passengers proceeded to thank me for finding the spot. I replied, “Thank Mother Cabrini!"Tuesday, May 18, 2010
miss, you're crying.
as i processed this past week with my spiritual director, she told me that i experienced a "wonderful lesson in the communion of saints." she told me that i was "peter to someone else" - i was someone's peter. i totally understood. it is the simon peter that jesus asked, do you love me, peter? with peter responding, yes, 3 times...jesus responded and instructed, feed my sheep.
jesus trusted peter, regardless of any wrongdoing, regardless of the 3 times denying him pre-suffering and crucifixion. peter had a mission. and jesus was going to continue that mission in him.
there simon peter and i were, frying tilapia on the shore. where was jesus? speaking through peter himself. it's never been so vivid, and the connection was ridiculous. wisdom and grace all around. :)
one of my students shared with me some of her literary work this afternoon. it was more than difficult to read because of its content, but the work was beautiful. she's one of my students that has shared her life with me, and has served as a true reminder to me this year, of why it is that i choose to do ministry with young girls. she's had a more than difficult childhood and adolescence, and through it all, there is so much beauty, so much joy, so much reflection, and so much desire for jesus' presence in her life, that is nearly impossible for me to sit with her, and not see jesus' handiwork staring at me in the face.
i was at a loss for words, and bringing together my prayer for the week, with this key moment that i had with this student, it just all came together. springing from the roots, and letting the flowers bloom on their own, i see her dancing. the womb of God is dancing always.
jesus trusted peter, regardless of any wrongdoing, regardless of the 3 times denying him pre-suffering and crucifixion. peter had a mission. and jesus was going to continue that mission in him.
there simon peter and i were, frying tilapia on the shore. where was jesus? speaking through peter himself. it's never been so vivid, and the connection was ridiculous. wisdom and grace all around. :)
one of my students shared with me some of her literary work this afternoon. it was more than difficult to read because of its content, but the work was beautiful. she's one of my students that has shared her life with me, and has served as a true reminder to me this year, of why it is that i choose to do ministry with young girls. she's had a more than difficult childhood and adolescence, and through it all, there is so much beauty, so much joy, so much reflection, and so much desire for jesus' presence in her life, that is nearly impossible for me to sit with her, and not see jesus' handiwork staring at me in the face.
i was at a loss for words, and bringing together my prayer for the week, with this key moment that i had with this student, it just all came together. springing from the roots, and letting the flowers bloom on their own, i see her dancing. the womb of God is dancing always.
therein the grace lies. so much of it.
i know what day it is based on what my calendar on my iphone tells me. this is going to be quite the adjustment, come august when my iphone will no longer accompany me, and i will seek to stop trying to check time every 10 minutes, as i have so become accustomed to, in life. oh, the little things, but really big things, that in the long run, will potentially call for transition and adjustment come my moments spent in the islands of the pacific. no need to start immediately at this exact moment, but i will say that i am definitely starting to view even the littlest, mundane things that i do here, in a very different way – why? because i recall how things are just different in the
a big thing…weather, for instance. and the fact that i got two mosquito bites on my leg this past weekend, on my trip home from williamsburg, coupled with the fact that i have been putting vicks vaporub on it every night, as if that will really help (that’s at least what I have been taught in my growing up during childhood days), i have come to the conclusion that my legs will be eaten up. my body will become a sugar castle to all bugs – mosquitoes and cockroaches – especially the flying kind. oh, God help me. and i trust that He will! and that, took a little bit of a time to really come to terms with.
once the bugs know that i won’t be leaving their island anytime soon, they’ll get sick of my fresh american-born blood, and get over it. oohh I’m counting down already. It’s just one of those things – they must know that i am “stateside” as the filipino natives call me. mosquitoes and all the bugs just naturally flock to my skin – I blame the processed food and artificial food that i eat. not complaining, just sharing.
this past thursday, we had school off for ascension thursday, and I got to go to wave hill with one of my
It was jess’s birthday weekend – one of my most absolute best friends, so naturally, we did it big. dinner at roberta’s in brooklyn, then on over to
after waking up super early (8am is super early for me on the weekend!) to prepare breakfast with mish, mary, and her sis addie (some of the
and so we began…sitting in a circle, we introduced ourselves, talked about our favorite poets, and was introduced to ars poetica – what is this? exactly. who was my favorite poet? crap! i didn’t have an answer. my question though, was, what is ars poetica? crystal, you better get a favorite poet down, soon. memorize – GO.
ars poetica is strictly that – it allows us to define what poetry is, and it gives us the opportunity to explore and question the question, what can poetry do for us? our assignment was to write a poem on what poetry is, without saying, poetry is…it must be a poem with a surprise somehow – it can be comprised of one moment, or a number of moving moments…it should be one that does not make obvious connections. it’s time to take some leaps in poetry! writing in any voice – that’s my favorite. it was awesome.
one student in the class was in high school and he talked about how his teacher shared poetry in the classroom – poetry that spoke to him and helped him begin to express himself. i take great excitement and pride in the fact that i also have the opportunity to share this type of art with my students. it really is a blessing.
here are some quotes that were shared in class that really resonated with me:
“poetry that makes nothing happens – makes nothing happen.”
“ she was only asking for change, so I don’t know why I took her hand.” – mark doty
“our ancestors are replenishing the jewel of love for us.” – mark doty
…granted these are excerpts from specific poems – check em out. they are beautiful works.
it was an experience I’m glad i had, and will try to continue to make them, in the little number of weeks that I have left here in the concrete jungle. i asked the boy sitting next to me what he does, and how often he frequents these workshops. he said he comes fairly often, and he said that he hates his job. he’s ready for out. and boom, after no joke, a 7 minute monologue, he told me where he worked, why he worked there, how much he hated where he worked, why he hated where he worked, and how he needs something different in his life. a shift – his job was not making him happy, and it was not fulfilling for him. he had other desires that he wanted to pursue.
what desires? he wasn’t sure. but he knew what he liked, he knows what interests him…and he was going to follow that. after listening, and being super interested in what he had to say, he asked me what I did. I told him, and I was not surprised by his reaction, as I have seen every reaction from, “you’re kidding, right? whoa.” to “that’s amazing! I have a [insert family/friend name here] who does the same thing!”
we continued having a conversation about religion and faith, and he asked me, “so, what draws you to the Catholic faith?” I was not ready to answer that question. at least, I didn’t have anything written to read, I didn’t know what to say, but I guess I did, cause I answered him quite immediately, without hesitation. I talked about the sacraments, I recalled the moment of making my confirmation, I recalled the times that I truly felt, “abstractly in my heart” God helping me in specific situations and speaking to me.
I talked about how learning about Jesus, and how He worked to serve, and love, and set the model for social justice, all rooted from love for humanity, really spoke to me. I don’t know if it sufficed, or if it even made sense, or if I adequately answered the question…but it did surprise me though – it took me off guard, but one thing is for sure – I was thankful for that opportunity.
thankful that he asked me that question – a question that I don’t believe I think about nearly enough (at least, I haven’t in a while). I attribute that, to the fact that, I’ve been born and raised Catholic, I found my Catholic identity in my teens, and I have just continued to live it, since then…but reflecting on what it is, that draws me to the Catholic faith, still? well, thank God, I think with my spontaneous answer, my heart did the talking. and I believed it. wholeheartedly. that’s always a good thing.
I blame divine intervention that in one of my prayers for this week, a suggestion was to take advantage of an opportunity to share my Christian faith with someone. though this can look a number of different ways to each person, I realized that I indeed found that opportunity and had that opportunity with a converse-wearing, skateboard holding, guy with a backwards cap, who carried a “writing journal” marked in sharpee marker. he gets to fly for free, and he works for an airline. writing? that’s his out.
I tried to say good bye to some of the cap corps volunteers tonight, who made a spontaneous trip down to the city, to go to mass at st. pat’s, grab dinner and ice cream. when I say tried, I mean, I tried – I have recently found myself in situations, where I fight to not make that moment be the last one. it is as if I am trying to prolong the moments leading to the inevitable…but really, time is not going to stop. no, I’m not being dramatic, and yes, potentially paths will cross again, but, I was not ready for this to be the last time to see them. I just need one more time. and this, my friends, has been the motto for the past week. I just don’t get it. haha, well, I do, but it’s like, no thanks – not yet. thanks for playing. push and pull, tug of war…but of love. and so much of it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
i blame the beat.
saturday, i realized and came to the conclusion that i am most definitely going to miss the culture of new york. the salad bowl that this place is, i love it. everything all wrapped into one. as i was sitting on the 1 train uptown with sr. mary lou andes, as i was recalling some of the key events that led me to new york, and recalling some of the beautiful moments that i will forever treasure in my heart from this city, i looked around me, looked into the eyes of each of the people sitting near me on the subway, and thought to myself...wow, i'm going to miss this.
sr. mary lou invited me to accompany her to the city college of new york's talent show, where one of her former students who she taught in 2nd grade, was going to be performing. it started at 7pm, and we saw that it wouldn't end until 11pm! ah! but of course, what ended up happening? we definitely stayed, and i LOVED it! wow, so fun! it actually didn't start until 8pm, but that's cause there were technical difficulties. it was ok, the audience was thoroughly entertained by music videos and group jokes and college chants...some, inappropriate, but you know, that's what happens when it is not necessarily acknowledged who exactly is in the audience - it's not just college kids, folks!
the night was full of hip hop performances, some covers, some students straight up performing their dance routines, spoken word, guitar playing, soulful singing, and two emcees that were pretty much hilarious and yes, equally entertaining. it was amazing to me, to be in the college setting again, but moreso, to thoroughly enjoy the artful expression that the students were using. yes, the majority was in the mode of hip hop style, and i thought to myself, wow, i love this. i was never someone who cared for this before, but something about being in new york, and being around a diversity of style - not just cultural, ethnic diversity, but the fact that there is just so much to look at, always, that energizes me, and i love this. a lot.
never did i think i would fully embrace hip hop culture as i realized i did, this past saturday, but truly, i have new york to thank for that. we eventually made it home, and as i walked into columbus, i thought to myself, dude, i had fun tonight! and that, was that.
i hear that country music is really big in baguio. this is gonna be interesting, that's for sure! i am going to need to learn some taylor swift and carrie underwood...hmmm...the possibilities!
and with that, the ball is rolling...the days are going by...the calendar is filling up, and i have thoughts that have yet to be shaped into poems. i'm doin it.
sr. mary lou invited me to accompany her to the city college of new york's talent show, where one of her former students who she taught in 2nd grade, was going to be performing. it started at 7pm, and we saw that it wouldn't end until 11pm! ah! but of course, what ended up happening? we definitely stayed, and i LOVED it! wow, so fun! it actually didn't start until 8pm, but that's cause there were technical difficulties. it was ok, the audience was thoroughly entertained by music videos and group jokes and college chants...some, inappropriate, but you know, that's what happens when it is not necessarily acknowledged who exactly is in the audience - it's not just college kids, folks!
the night was full of hip hop performances, some covers, some students straight up performing their dance routines, spoken word, guitar playing, soulful singing, and two emcees that were pretty much hilarious and yes, equally entertaining. it was amazing to me, to be in the college setting again, but moreso, to thoroughly enjoy the artful expression that the students were using. yes, the majority was in the mode of hip hop style, and i thought to myself, wow, i love this. i was never someone who cared for this before, but something about being in new york, and being around a diversity of style - not just cultural, ethnic diversity, but the fact that there is just so much to look at, always, that energizes me, and i love this. a lot.
never did i think i would fully embrace hip hop culture as i realized i did, this past saturday, but truly, i have new york to thank for that. we eventually made it home, and as i walked into columbus, i thought to myself, dude, i had fun tonight! and that, was that.
i hear that country music is really big in baguio. this is gonna be interesting, that's for sure! i am going to need to learn some taylor swift and carrie underwood...hmmm...the possibilities!
and with that, the ball is rolling...the days are going by...the calendar is filling up, and i have thoughts that have yet to be shaped into poems. i'm doin it.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
peace in the park
"oh marie, never a dull moment at 4:15pm every tuesday"
"crystal, i don't think you will ever have a dull moment!"
and with that, i was sent off for the week. to discover more about how in this fourth week bunch of my spiritual exercises (last chunk! ah!!), i would respond to Jesus' resurrection. i was moved by light, and pastels, and yellows, and marigolds, and then sadness with one of the disciples that i had grown to love and adore. and then awe at jesus showing himself first to mary magdalene. the goodness and the reasons to celebrate, it was difficult in that i wanted to break open through the doors of the house to john, mark and peter, with mary at my side, with light following us through, and then boom. darkness, morose, sadness, despair. and then marie asked me, well, how would you feel when you realize you denied Jesus? how long would that sadness last? without hesitation, i said, a long time. it was then, that i understood.
i fell in love with my prayer this past week, and i fell in love with the new tone of celebration and joy and happiness that i was able to indulge in. still, marie put it in the best way...it was like, life interfering with life - yes, exactly. as much as i wanted to celebrate, there was still a sadness there....but Jesus sits me down, and he tells me, to not be afraid, to trust, and to have faith. life interfering with life. embracing humanity and embracing the feelings, my feelings.
the past weekend i got to hang out in the park in park slope, and enjoy the weather, the people, and all the fun that came with it. it was such a great feeling, to just enjoy being there in brooklyn - to look around, and see trees, all around. no buildings, no trace of a city. for someone who is not a big fan of nature, being around trees, and green, was absolutely perfect. i got to breathe, and yes, think about the fact that this is my last full month living in new york. whoa. well, for now. ah! who knows...
e taught me a little capoeira, and it reminded me of me and gina's first class that we took in LA - the class in which we were sore for the next week, walking around the office in our heels. we were not successful, but we tried our best. gave it a shot again in the park, and it was such a good workout. serious! i think it was something that i needed in that, it put me in a jump start into working out in a more disciplined manner...dance party, yoga, whatever it is...i think i could get used to this. :)
as much as i'm so sad about my 19th annotation retreat ending in early june, i'm actually very excited too. such a great moment in my life! marie and i planned our closing meeting to be with us walking a labyrinth together at a jesuit retreat center, and meeting with one of her friends who is a filipino sister, and who is ironically visiting for the month of june. woohoo! i'm clearly such a big fan of my spiritual director, as she has played such a big role in my time here in new york. she even hooked me up with one of her friends who is a maryknoll lay missioner in cambodia, and i hope to meet up with her too as she will be visiting this month. we'll see!
on saturday afternoon, mary and i got to speak about our 19th annotation retreat experience, to a group of adults interested in ignatian spirituality and spiritual direction at xavier church. it was awesome, in that i don't think i have ever felt so comfortable speaking about anything before (without notes, especially), but because i feel like i eat, breathe, and live this retreat (as best as i could!), it really just naturally came out. that's what i was going for, but i was surprised that it actually came out ok, and they were able to follow my thoughts...i think? :) woohoo! marie told me i was very well-spoken and articulate about it, and all i could do though, was thank her for the opportunity. there is such grace in being given the opportunity to share my experiences, especially a spiritual experience, with others who are actually willing, open, and wanting to listen.
so with that, thanks for listening, and thanks for being present.
may God bless you today, and always, and may God educate our desires today.
remember, the sun will rise again tomorrow, and after desolation, consolation always follows.
no day, but today.
happy colors, happy people, joyous celebrations, and dance parties. necessary.
"crystal, i don't think you will ever have a dull moment!"
and with that, i was sent off for the week. to discover more about how in this fourth week bunch of my spiritual exercises (last chunk! ah!!), i would respond to Jesus' resurrection. i was moved by light, and pastels, and yellows, and marigolds, and then sadness with one of the disciples that i had grown to love and adore. and then awe at jesus showing himself first to mary magdalene. the goodness and the reasons to celebrate, it was difficult in that i wanted to break open through the doors of the house to john, mark and peter, with mary at my side, with light following us through, and then boom. darkness, morose, sadness, despair. and then marie asked me, well, how would you feel when you realize you denied Jesus? how long would that sadness last? without hesitation, i said, a long time. it was then, that i understood.
i fell in love with my prayer this past week, and i fell in love with the new tone of celebration and joy and happiness that i was able to indulge in. still, marie put it in the best way...it was like, life interfering with life - yes, exactly. as much as i wanted to celebrate, there was still a sadness there....but Jesus sits me down, and he tells me, to not be afraid, to trust, and to have faith. life interfering with life. embracing humanity and embracing the feelings, my feelings.
the past weekend i got to hang out in the park in park slope, and enjoy the weather, the people, and all the fun that came with it. it was such a great feeling, to just enjoy being there in brooklyn - to look around, and see trees, all around. no buildings, no trace of a city. for someone who is not a big fan of nature, being around trees, and green, was absolutely perfect. i got to breathe, and yes, think about the fact that this is my last full month living in new york. whoa. well, for now. ah! who knows...
e taught me a little capoeira, and it reminded me of me and gina's first class that we took in LA - the class in which we were sore for the next week, walking around the office in our heels. we were not successful, but we tried our best. gave it a shot again in the park, and it was such a good workout. serious! i think it was something that i needed in that, it put me in a jump start into working out in a more disciplined manner...dance party, yoga, whatever it is...i think i could get used to this. :)
as much as i'm so sad about my 19th annotation retreat ending in early june, i'm actually very excited too. such a great moment in my life! marie and i planned our closing meeting to be with us walking a labyrinth together at a jesuit retreat center, and meeting with one of her friends who is a filipino sister, and who is ironically visiting for the month of june. woohoo! i'm clearly such a big fan of my spiritual director, as she has played such a big role in my time here in new york. she even hooked me up with one of her friends who is a maryknoll lay missioner in cambodia, and i hope to meet up with her too as she will be visiting this month. we'll see!
on saturday afternoon, mary and i got to speak about our 19th annotation retreat experience, to a group of adults interested in ignatian spirituality and spiritual direction at xavier church. it was awesome, in that i don't think i have ever felt so comfortable speaking about anything before (without notes, especially), but because i feel like i eat, breathe, and live this retreat (as best as i could!), it really just naturally came out. that's what i was going for, but i was surprised that it actually came out ok, and they were able to follow my thoughts...i think? :) woohoo! marie told me i was very well-spoken and articulate about it, and all i could do though, was thank her for the opportunity. there is such grace in being given the opportunity to share my experiences, especially a spiritual experience, with others who are actually willing, open, and wanting to listen.
so with that, thanks for listening, and thanks for being present.
may God bless you today, and always, and may God educate our desires today.
remember, the sun will rise again tomorrow, and after desolation, consolation always follows.
no day, but today.
happy colors, happy people, joyous celebrations, and dance parties. necessary.
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