peace and fullness of life.

Often we anxiously seek the will of God,

as if God had gleefully hidden dreams for us

deep in unfathomable places.

As if it were God's intention

that our whole lives be spent 

in endless searching for signs and directions

buried in obscurity.

The will of God is that which brings us 

peace and fullness of life.

The will of God is the seed of our dreams

ever gestating with possibility

and longing to leap forward

scattering new and surprising blessings

in our gray reality.

- Edwina Gateley

love is...patient

 Holy Thursday!

To prepare for the Holy Triduum, despite being far from my community at St. Monica's in Los Angeles and my community in the PI...through the gift of technology, I have been listening to the morning meditations conducted by Dr. Jim Finley. Dr. Jim Finley is a Merton scholar and master of the "Contemplative Way." He lived as a Trappist monk and Thomas Merton was his spiritual director. Um, awesome. :)

When I lived in LA, I attended his weekly 5:30am meditations during Lent, and they were absolutely beautiful. What a blessing it is to have found that this year's meditations are recorded - along with all of the cool audio/visual links that St. Monica's provides.

Here, he talks about the verse: "Love is Patient." This could not have come at a better time.

** I loved the recordings  and they have all helped me tremendously, so I transcribed them - here it is for you!**

prayer and contemplation - Fr. Rudy, SJ in Cavite, Philippines

This particular recording can be found here: Dr. Jim Finley from The Contemplative Way

I was thinking this year, I base this series of reflections on love. And, we're always thinking about what we're gonna give up for Lent, and say, we can practice giving up not being loving - we can give that up. And, ask God for the grace to be more loving, because God is love and through love we become one with God and one with each other. And the passage i would like to base these reflections on is the celebrated passage in First Corinthians Chapter 13 on Love.

  If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
    Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

and i would like to start first with "love is patient." and i'd like to meditate on patience as a way of life. that, it often happens in life that we find ourself in the midst of a hurtful situation - in a hurtful situation from which we cannot easily or quickly free ourselves. it goes on and on, and we realize, it's gonna take a while.

this hurtful situation can be a medical symptom in our body, it can be psychological problems, depression, anxiety, self-sabotaging behavior, addiction...it can be problems in a relationship, that are very difficult to even approach, much less resolve, but there are things that weigh us down and from which we cannot quickly or easily free ourselves.

if we flip it around, we can also say, that there are goals in life, things that we hope for, things we believe in, things we seek to achieve and we discover we cannot easily achieve them. that it takes effort, and perseverance, and we're gonna have to hang in there, and lean into it, and keep working on it. life's like this.

and what we find in these situations that as the difficulty in freeing ourselves from suffering, the difficulty in reaching the desired goal - is that, it is tempting, but it is not helpful to be impatient. surely, it's not helpful to be impatient to the point that we give up. because if we give up and walk away, we abandon ourself. if we give up getting past the suffering, we fall into despair in the midst of suffering. if we give up on our dream, walk away, we never reach our dream. so then it's not helpful to give up.

likewise, we find it's not helpful to use force - that we're going to apply more pressure, and make it happen. this is not helpful. because when we use force, we engage in violence - and we try to make life happen on our terms. and we just make things worse. likewise, it doesn't help to get angry that you can't make it happen - that the universe will not cooperate with your plans. and you quickly discover you can't make anybody in your life do anything, and you can't even make yourself do some things.

because there are habits in the the mind and heart that do not easily go away. and so here we are, here we are. engaging in such things, asking for the grace to be patient. to be patient. to not lose heart. don't walk away, don't use force. but lean into it, in an ongoing, persevering, patient way.

and when we live like this, we begin to discover that here maybe, it was most important - is not the goal we were reaching for. nor maybe it's not most important that we get past the suffering, that we want so much to be free from. we begin to realize that in patience, we are being transformed into a patient person. and maybe what matters most is the transformation - and love, that patience brings.

you see this in people who have been transformed in long suffering, who have not fallen into despair, or who have not become bitter. you see it in people who are ripe with just lots of deep sobriety from addiction. you see it in people who are dedicated to a cause they deeply believe in and does not come without a price. you see it in people who are struggling with difficulties and patiently move on day by day. and, you see this quality in people, auspicious, graciousness about them. they're good people to be with. and it's good to become such a person.

and here i think we see the spirituality of patience. there's a famous prayer of Teresa of Avila sometimes called the "Bookmark of Teresa of Avila." i think when she died, they found it as a bookmark, hence it's name in one of her books.

let nothing disturb thee
let nothing frighten thee
all things are passing
God alone remains
patience obtains all things

and here's the thing - all these struggles that we're going through, all the things we're trying to get past, are passing. and the self that's trying to get through them is passing. all the goals we see, as nobel as they are, attained or unattained, they are all passing. everything that begins in time, ends in time - it's all ashes. it's all turning to ashes. but in the midst of all that's passing away there is the love that never passes away. and in the unexpected intimacy of the patient effort, we begin to experience His deathless love in the intimacy of our minds and hearts - it surprises us. we didn't expect it. it calls for a shift in perception - a shift in an understanding, like a deeper way to understand what it means to understand...about what really matters - what really counts.

that God alone remains; patience obtains all things. just wait long enough, none of us will be here. all will be swept away. but there is in the fleetingness of our lives, the eternality of love that intimately gives itself to us in patience, in patience. and maybe this is what it's about. this is what it's about.

and so, maybe we could see that the whole gospel story is the story of the revelation of patience. Jesus was hanging on the cross as love crucified being patient with us - he hung there, watching them gambling for his clothes, casting lots, and who was gonna get his cloak. not a happy outcome. but he never gave up on us, never turned against us. "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."

how patient God is with us. and how we can taste the infinite patience of God and the willingness to be led by God to be patient with ourselves, patient with each other, patient with the situation, and so i think then, here is our prayer - our meditation.

you can sit with these 30 minutes in reflective prayer. who are the people in your life who have been patient with you and for who you are immensely grateful to have? who are the people that let you know how grateful they are that you're patient with them? and how blessed you are to be blessed in seeing how grace is working in your life? what are these relational realities? what is the suffering that has been caused by the people who have not been patient with you? and the suffering that's been caused because you've not been patient with them and with yourself? and how to ask God for the grace of patience.

or you can take a more contemplative approach of wordless prayer - sit still, sit straight - present, open and awake - neither clinging to nor rejecting anything, like an unlearned child in quiet awareness of the breathing.

if you want to use the word, "i love you, i love you," as your prayer of your breath - where you inhale - silently inhale God's "i love you" that is life itself and when you exhale, give yourself to the love that gives itself to you. and sit that way that for 30 minutes. do not daydream, do not fall asleep, do not slip away into thinking, but sit straight in the virginal immediacy of this love.

and if you try to sit that way for 30 minutes, you'll discover you need to be very patient with yourself. because you will not do well at it - but the ability to endlessly circle back to reinstate the intention to be simply present, sitting here in silence, you can learn to be patient. and learn to be patient. and in the silence of this prayer, experience God's infinite patience for you.

those in the background

this sure makes you think about the people in the background. who are the people that grew our food? who made the clothes we are wearing? the bags we are carrying? who put their lives in danger to provide us with some of the everyday items we use? 

this sure makes me think about the people in the background.

the life of a coffee bean. this community in yagyagan, benguet, showed me how they prepare the coffee beans, and then sell it to the canadians who come by to collect the prepared goods.

Who Baked the Bread?
Katherine Dale Makus

Who baked the bread
That Jesus blessed
And broke, and shared
That Passover supper, when he said,
"This is my body
Broken for you"?
Who made the wine,
When he passed the cup,
Saying, "This is my blood,
The blood of the covenant,
Shed for you and for many.
The fruit of the vine
I shall not taste again
Until I taste it new
In the Kingdom of God"?
Who made the wine?

Was it a woman who tended the vine,
Pressed the grapes, and made the wine;
Who planted the field, threshed the wheat,
And baked the bread for others to eat?

And afterwards, did a woman come
To clear the cup; to mop,
Perhaps, a single careless drop
Of wine, of God's blood shed;
To gather every scattered crumb
Of broken body, broken bread?

Did a woman, coming to clean the room,
Find grace in the fragments left behind,
As women, later, would come to find
An angel and an empty tomb?

Source: Daughters of Sarah (Mar-Apr 1988)

it will come.

the word: call.

what am i doing? what am i all about?

this time of the year certainly seems to be the time when seniors in college are starting to freak out about "what's next?" after their cozy time in college, and it seems that it's in this time, others are looking into new jobs, new careers, new directions in life...perhaps it's because i'm working in higher education right now, that the year pretty much "ends" when the school year comes to a close in mid-may. and so, it's that time...

transition maybe?

the questions start coming out (or start to express themselves, rather!) -

what am i all about? what am i doing? what am i going to do with my major? do i like where i'm living? should i move?

wouldn't it be so much easier if the answers could just be given to us so obviously? easier - yes. but fun and free? hardly. i suppose that's where the excitement lies!

i remember when i was living in the philippines mid-way through my mission year, that i started seeing all over facebook: college acceptance posts, pictures of my friends' tummies who were expecting in june, summer weddings, and enthusiasm for what is to come. i had to remind myself, crystal, be confident in your call - keep seeking, keep going - you are right where you need to be. all will reveal itself in time.

in.time.

well, again, it is in this time, that i am reminded of the importance of checking in with myself and joyfully seeking that inner peace that lies inside....

pretty sure we will find in the various ends that we meet in our lives, that the answer has been inside us all along..it just takes time, that's all.

hope you get a chance on this beautiful sunday to ask yourself these same questions as well! :)

thanks henri nouwen for your inspiration once again:

So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense.  When people are starving only a few thousand miles away, when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile. Such considerations, however, can paralyse us and depress us.

Here the word call becomes important.  We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people.  But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, in our world.  We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust.  Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time.

Fast? Let's Feast!

Lent can't only be about fasting...there's SO much that we can learn to feast on, as well!

Lent should be more than a time of fasting.
It should also be a joyous season of feasting.
Lent is a time to fast from certain things and to feast on others.

It is a season to turn to God:
Fast from judging others; feast on the goodness in them.
Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on unity of all life.
Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.
Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.
Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.
Fast from discontent: feast on gratitude.

Fast from anger; feast on patience.
Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.
Fast from worry; feast on divine order.
Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.
Fast from negatives: feast on affirmatives.
Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.

Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance.
Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.
Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.
Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal Truth.
Fast from discouragement; feast on hope.

Fast from facts that depress; feasts on truths that uplift.
Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.
Fast from suspicion; feast on truth.
Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.
Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.
Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.

Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that supports.
- William Arthur Ward

discomfort, anger, tears, and foolishness.

As we begin this Lenten season, may we enter into a deep experience with Christ, and may God anoint us with the following... And so we pray:

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

 May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. (A Franciscan blessing)

AMEN.

forever and ever!

This is by far one of my most favorite paintings of all time. After reading Henri Nouwen's, "The Return of the Prodigal Son," (i highly, highly recommend this book, by the way) two and a half years ago, this story and this painting have continually stood poignant in the back of my mind. It is such a reminder of God's unconditional love - if only we would allow ourselves to be loved, and to see ourselves as God sees us. No matter what!

One of my classmates had this painting printed out on the front cover of his binder. We then shared with each other why it's such a good one - for him, he works with people struggling with addiction and it helps him and his clients in his ministry. For me, it is another reminder of our humanity, but the refuge and forgiveness that we may always find in the mercy of our Father. 

One of my greatest mentors reminded me that it may certainly be a life's journey to accept ourselves - our failings, our weaknesses, our mistakes we have done in the past. But, perhaps this painting can provide us with some daily dose of real, unconditional love, that we may so often forget about.
 

 "The Prodigal Son" by Rembrandt

"Returning to God's Ever-Present Love" - Henri Nouwen

We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.

God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say

or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love.

 

finding the meeting place

some words of wisdom from frederick buechner on this fine monday morning. hoping that you find sincere joy in your work, in all you do, and with the people you find yourself surrounded by - from day to day.

life is fragile, and if there is any way that we can strive to live our deep gladness every minute of every day, i say we do it. and if we can't, let's at least try. 

Amen? 
AMEN.

The Place God Calls You To

Frederick Buechner

There are all kinds of different voices calling you to do all different kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God, rather than that of society, say, or the super-ego, or self-interest. By and large a good rule for finding out is the following: the kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you most need to do, and (b) that the world most needs to have done.

If you really get a kick out of your work, you've presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing deodorant commercials, the chances are you've missed requirement (b). On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you've probably met requirement (b), but if most of the time you're bored and depressed by your work, the chances are that you've not only bypassed (a), but probably aren't helping your patients much either.

Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do.

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and 
the world's deep hunger meet.

time to move.

We Can Not Merely Pray

- Rabbi Jack Riemer

We cannot merely pray to you O God to end war;

For the World is made in such a way

That we must find our own path of peace

Within ourselves and with our neighbors.

We cannot merely pray to you O God to root out Prejudice:

for we already have eyes

With which to see the good in all people

If we would only use them rightly.

We cannot merely pray to you O God to end starvation:

For we already have the resources

With which to feed the entire World

If we would only use them wisely.

We cannot merely pray to you O God to end despair:

For we already have the power To clear away slums and to give hope

If we would only use our power justly.

We cannot merely pray to you O God to end disease:

For we already have great minds

With which to search out cures and healings

If we would only use them constructively.

Therefore we pray instead

For strength, determination, and will power,

To do instead of merely to pray

To become instead of merely to wish:

So that our World may be safe,

And so that our lives may be blessed.

jeans and sneakers.

something to think about... :) 

WE NEED SAINTS
by Pope John Paul II

We need saints without veil or cassock.
We need saints who wear jeans and sneakers.
We need saints who go to the movies, listen to music and hang out with friends.
We need saints who put God in first place, but who let go of their power.
We need saints who have time everyday to pray and who know how to date in purity and chastity, or who consecrate their chastity.
We need modern saints, Saints of the 21st century with a spirituality that is part of our time.
We need saints committed to the poor and the necessary social changes.
We need saints who live in the world and who are sanctified in the world, who are not afraid to live in the world.
We need saints who drink Coke and eat hot dogs, who wear jeans, who are Internet-savvy, who listen to CDs.
We need saints who passionately love the Eucharist and who are not ashamed to drink a soda or eat pizza on weekends with friends.
We need saints who like movies, the theater, music, dance, sports.
We need saints who are social, open, normal, friendly, happy and who are good companions.
We need saints who are in the world and know how to taste the pure and nice things of the world but who aren’t of the world.

Courtesy of: 10th Palo Archdiocesan Summer Youth Camp

one foot at a time.

At God's Pace

Evelyn Underhill

There is no real occasion for tumult, strain, conflict, anxiety, once we have reached the living conviction that God is All. All takes place within God. God alone matters; God alone is. Our spiritual life is God's affair, because whatever we may think to the contrary, it is really produced by God's steady attraction and our humble and self-forgetful response to it. It consists in being drawn, at God's pace and in God's way, to the place where God wants us to be. // Source: The Soul's Delight

Gospel as News

  Absolutely New and Profoundly Disturbing

Thomas Merton

The greatest temptation that assails Christians is that in effect, for most of us, the Gospel has ceased to be news. And if it is not news it is not Gospel: for the Gospel is the proclamation of something absolutely new, everlastingly new, not a message that was once new but is now two thousand years old.... The message of the Gospel when it was first preached was profoundly disturbing to those who wanted to cling to well-established religious patterns, the ancient and accepted ways, the ways that were not dangerous and which contained no surprises.

Source: Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander

change and be changed

one of the greatest gifts that i have on mission here in baguio city is that i am able to work, grow, learn, and enjoy life alongside an MSC - sure, she is 70, and 70 years of wisdom and then some is definitely bustling inside of her. the best part, is that i get to pick her brain and she shares with me stories upon stories, and key learnings that i know i will keep with me for life. such a gift!

in the past recent months, we have been making it a point to have a day of recollection for ourselves, as the leaders of our pastoral ministry. it's important to re-group with each other, and put aside time to intentionally talk about how we feel our individual mission and collective mission is going.

following the methodology, SEE, DISCERN, ACT, CELEBRATE, this is how we reflect, and we usually go over some writings to help focus our discussion and to inform our mission experience from the past month.

for this month, we went over an article called, Prophetic Dialogue: Mission Paradigm in a Pluralistic Society by Samuel N. Agcaracar, SVD. this article came from a book on Religious Life in Asia, so it's perfect!

sister t and i were blown away specifically by the last four points of the article, but there were other gems in this article too:

* "Prophets are known for their boldness to fight for transformation."
* "In prophetic dialogue, it is not so much that we see ourselves as prophets of the Kingdom; rather it is our dialogue with people who are different from us that points to the Kingdom. We give witness to others, the others give witness to us..."
* Buzzwords in today's pluralistic world: openness, flexibility, mobility, adaptability, innovation...

"Pernia notes, missio dei 'is a fundamental insight that requires a fundamental change in our view of mission - that is, a change from seeing mission as 'our mission' or the 'Church's mission' to seeing mission as primarily God's mission."

Antonio Pernia, the SVD Superior General called for "four fundamental conversions: from activism to contemplation; from rugged individualism to collaboration; from conquest to dialogue; and from evangelizer to being evangelized."

...and so, it is these conversions that sister t and i spent some time discussing...we found that they were right on point to our mission experiences, especially, our mission experience here together in the philippines...

from activism to contemplation
He writes, "Contemplation helps us realize that 'our participation in mission is fundamentally an encounter with mystery - the mystery of the Triune God who calls all of humanity to share in his life and glory."

"Paul VI says: 'Modern humanity listens more willingly to witness than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses.'"

from rugged individualism to collaboration
"As missionaries, we must avoid the extreme of demanding that our faith be preeminent and, alternatively, we must not reduce others to a common denominator, as if our distinctiveness matters most....With the lens of missio Dei, we must realize that our call to mission is really a call to share in God's mission, which implies a call to collaborate with God, first of all, and with all others who are similarly called by God."

"Dorr identifies an antidote trait of a missionary, that is, one who sees the world today where he himself can no longer be a 'lonely ranger' but must be a team and community person. Collaboration, then, is not just a strategy but an essential characteristic of mission."

"In maintaining such a perspective we are free to celebrate different religious traditions and ideologies without fear. It allows us to open the door to explore each other's faith and work with them toward the good of humanity."

from conquest to dialogue
"...the proper approach to mission is not to dogmatically promote our conviction on certain ideological trust and absolutes to assert their relevance. Instead, the relevance of our faith is seen in the way we allow it to shape our lives such that we become ourselves testimonies to such truth."

" Missio Dei acknowledges that God has been in dialogue with all peoples from the beginning. Other religious and cultural traditions, therefore, contain 'seeds of the Word' or 'rays of Light.' Hence, the missionary today is called to evangelize from a position of lowliness and humility. He or she will not seek power - economic, cultural, technological, or even media power. The only power he or she will need is the power of the Word and of the Spirit; and that power is the power of love, which is manifested in self-giving."

from only evangelizing to also being evangelized
"Prophetic dialogue underlines the fact that mission is a two-way exchange of gifts between missionaries and the people with whom they work. Consequently, 'the missionaries must be ready to give and receive, to evangelize and be evangelized, to speak and to listen. They must learn to walk with the people and respect the pace of the people's walking. They must be prepared to change and be changed, to form and be formed, to invite to conversion, and be converted."

and lastly..."The way we live as Christians - which is to live in mission - is constantly to live in dialogue with and discerning our context, and correlating that context with the broader and older Christian tradition."

live in mission! AAAAAMEN! :)

kalayaan [freedom]

 

We Have To Choose

I think "freedom" -- at least the way we usually think of it -- is an illusion. As far as I can tell, absolute freedom doesn't exist. I think we all have some measure of freedom, but in the end we have to choose who or what will be our master. For some people it's their Lexus or their big house or their love of gourmet food or their music. For some people it's their career. For some people it's their family. It's a question of what you want to give your life to, or for.

 

- Michael P. Enright,, from Diary of a Barrio Priest (taken from A Maryknoll Book of Inspiration by Michael Leach and Doris Goodnough)

Freedom From Fear

Complete freedom from fear is one of those things we owe wholly to Our Lord. To be afraid is to do him a double injury. First, it is to forget him, to forget that he is with us, that he loves us and is himself almighty, and second it is to fail to bend to his will. If we shape our will to his, as everything that happens is either willed or allowed by him, we shall find joy in whatever happens, and shall never be disturbed or afraid.

So then we should have the faith that banishes all fear. Beside us, face to face with us, within us, we have Our Lord Jesus, our God whose love for us is infinite, who is himself almighty, who has told us to seek for the kingdom of God and that everything else will be given us. In that blessed and omnipotent company, we just go straight along the path of the greatest perfection, certain that nothing will happen to us that we cannot use as a source of the greatest good for his glory and the sanctification of ourselves and others, and that everything that happens is either willed or permitted by him, and therefore, far from lying under the shadow of fear, we have only to say, "Whatever happens -- God be praised!" praying that he will arrange everything not in accordance with our ideas but for his greater glory.  We should never forget the two axioms: "Jesus is with me" and "Whatever happens, happens by the will of God."

- Charles de Foucauld, from Charles de Foucauld: Essential Writings, edited by Robert Ellsberg (taken from A Maryknoll Book of Inspiration by Michael Leach and Doris Goodnough)

ahimsa

today, i went to one of my favorite spots in baguio city to take some time away and to dive more deeply into a book i am currently reading on poverty, celibacy, and obedience. coincidentally enough, i realized today that i was back to the place where i FIRST started reading this book, which was about a year and a half ago, as suggested by sr. cathy, a maryknoll sister, when i approached her upon arrival to the PI. of course, during one of my transition identity crises when i first got here. [ me: "ate cathy - i just, don't know...is there a book that you can recommend me to read?" ...and she hands me one ] clearly, in this past year and a half, this book somehow got put in the bunch of books that i desire to read. but now, i am steadfast in my attempt to finish it!

"O'Murchu claims that the vows are first and foremost about values and not about laws. And in this provocative work he suggests that the Eastern concept of non-violence is a core value of the vowed life in all the monastic traditions known to humankind."

in this book, i came across this passage from joan chittister, and i was moved:

To say that we can possibly minister to the poor and never read a single article on the natinoal debt; to think that we can be moral parts of a global community and never study a thing about the Third World debt; to imagine that we can save the planet and never learn a thing about ecology; to infer that we work to promote the women's issue but never go to a women's conference, read a feminist theologian or spend a minute tracing the history of ideas about women; to say we care about the homeless dying and never say a thing about the evil of homelessness or the lack of medical care for the indigent, smacks of pallid conviction at best. Simply to do things is not enough anymore. Professional education that fits us for particular skills but neglects to prepare a person for dealing with the great questions of human life is not enough anymore. The world needs thinkers who take thinking as a spiritual discipline. Anything else may well be denial practiced in the name of religion. ( Joan Chittister)

and with that, i do desire to learn more and to be effective in my journey as a leader and follower in the various communities i am placed in. in this world, there is so much to learn and i am blessed to have a heart that is ready to be stretched!

be complete

Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it

If you refuse then be clear about it 
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution

Do not believe half truths

Do not dream half a dream

Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst

Half a meal will not satiate your hunger

Half the way will get you no where

Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space

It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said

A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive
Work and not work

Attend only to be absent

What makes you a stranger to them closest to you

and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability

but you are able for you are not half a being

You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Gibran Khalil Gibran

just another step

and still, a year and a half later on mission in the philippines, emotion continues to run high - most times, usually more than one, which makes it sometimes difficult for the libra in me who desires balance at all times

.it's been a stressful week with lots of activity going on in the ministry - lots of planning, lots of preparation, just lots of things to do, lots of running around, lots of follow-up with people who i'm pretty sure look at their received text messages and don't respond, and well, that only adds to the frustration when trying to get things done within a time crunch. but needless to say, i learn to deal with it. with more activity going on with the baguio festivities that completed this past week, i can honestly say i don't want anything to do with large crowds of people or chaotic noise around me for a LONG time. seriously! yesterday and today, i dragged myself out of bed at 11am. that NEVER happens. but, my body totally needed it, for sure. exhaustion - i think that's the word.

HALT - hungry? angry? lonely? tired? um, probably all of the above, except for the hungry part, because i am trying to be more healthy about my unhealthy eating habits that i have developed here on the MSG-induced island of the philippines. :) i've noticed i have been angry a lot - but not so much angry, more like frustrated with false hopes that i have come to realize. just when things SEEM to be getting better and we seem to be making some progress, perhaps it is NOT quite there yet. and i definitely got to the point where i started going off in verbal vomit to one of my close friends because of this frustration. then, after five minutes, i sat on the sidewalk and continued to eat my siomai that i had with me. in silence. i needed time. then of course, 2 minutes later, my two cousins walk by, and they just had good timing. thank you Jesus! :) haha, i definitely got the lungs of my Reyes family roots where i can do that, but after i say what i gotta say, then i'm good to go. pretty sure those around me have come to understand me in that sense. thank God for loving people surrounding me! :)

lonely. not so much lonely, but the reality that i am not going to be here forever in the philippines is starting to catch up to me and my reflection on missionary life and its transient nature continues (i think it will always serve me with contemplative thought). more times in the past two weeks have people been asking me when i am going to leave, because they say they need to emotionally prepare for this. which gets ME thinking, crap, ME TOO! i need to prepare myself...but until then, lots more to do, and before i know it, i'm going to have to leave the philippines. what? is this real life?

i am reminded: "a missioner goes where he/she is needed but not wanted, and stays until he/she is wanted, but not needed" - pretty much one of my favorite quotes from the maryknoll family...

and then, onto the next step in life. :)

tired. for sure. totally tired - i get up at 6am, try to wake up my body with some yoga in the am, get ready for work, out of the door at 7:30, work at 8 which usually involves doing some organizing and planning and corresponding, then usually running errands mid-day, then on my way home around 5ish, then mass sometimes, then dinner, then prayer and then crystal catch-up-with-my-life time around 8:30pmish. and then repeat. of course, everyday is different but it usually involves some sort of being tired. it's just always constantly having to be aware and alert of surroundings at all times too. that gets exhausting! and getting around! and dodging cars and making sure you don't get run over. yeah, gotta watch out for that one.

anyway, on my super frustrated day that i had, i received this quote in my inbox:

Today, notice if you have a "chip on your shoulder," confronting and intimidating others to get your way. Can you tone down the aggressiveness and still find a way to be effective?

clearly, the unhealthy "8" in me was winning. and i was thinking to myself, "Crystal. Stop being so combative." haha, that happens from time to time when i get really riled up. i had to change my mindset, immediately! the frustration with the situation around me was affecting me, and i had to stop myself immediately. can NOT let negative energy permeate within me. it's just not healthy, and it is not what i need, nor do i function well in those situations, clearly! i'm starting to think i am the epitome of an 8, but i LOVE when i healthily venture to the direction of the 2. :)

we had adoration that night, which is what i totally needed, and i was thankful for that. two things specifically stuck out to me:

one:  That body of goodness [life of Jesus] clashes with the evil and sin of the world. This causes pain, and suffering, scorn and injustice. All this Jesus accepted without trying to dodge it when he discovered it to be entailed in his mission.
WOW.

then, during prayer, we chose different scrolls that were in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and just picked one which contained "a message" for us. i chose the yellow (of course!) scroll, and in it, was this verse from Hebrews 10:23-24. It read, Let us hold unwaveringly to our confession that gives us hope, for he who made the promise is trustworthy. We must consider how to rouse one another to love and good works.

As soon as I read this scripture, I thought to myself, Jesus knew that he would experience pain, and suffering, and scorn and injustice, but still, he persevered in his mission because he trusted God in it, and what was Jesus doing, as he continued on the road to Calvary? STILL, Jesus was comforting the women, STILL, he was loving others. This was a message for me to persevere, to continue, and while there would be these difficulties in mission, I am not to dodge it or act out in anger and frustration, but rather, to continue my mission to rouse one another to love and good works, while trying the best i can, to do so myself.

sure, emotion is sometimes difficult to work through, and there are sometimes five different things that are on my mind at one time, and yeah that is exhausting in itself too, but, the peace comes, and i know i can look forward to the moments when i realize it has been there all along.

this was especially a good reminder for me that i received two days ago:

Grief work is very helpful for Eights. You are not the kind of person to sit around feeling sorry for yourself for long, but if you are suffering, it is important to find meaningful ways of grieving your losses and hurts. 

i think i'm in the midst of finding those ways, and it is all part of a blessed process. 

and to close, i leave you with Hebrews 6:10, For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love you have demonstrated for his name by having served and continuing to serve the holy ones. 

pardon all of the "8" and "2" references...all part of the enneagram :) learn more here - http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ 

+

You can work miracles by having faith in others. By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them. ~ Bob Moawad

...and perhaps we can be instrumental in spreading the positive energy to those around us!

looking up

it's time to be positive people!

"When we concentrate too much on something that isn't right, and make it our main topic of conversation, we end up giving evil more substance than it has. Deploring evil sometimes only strengthens it ... We do more to help others experience conversion and make progress by encouraging them in the positive aspects of their lives than by condemning their errors. Good is more real than evil, and it overcomes evil."  
- Fr. Jacque Philippe

in tapiz and all. my favorite!

the filipino culture is really into the arts. and the filipino culture is very lively and artistic too. so artistic that so far in my year and a half of being here, i have learned how to pray the "our father" with gestures, in three different ways already! i think that's what happens when you work at an NGO where you are seeking to enrich faith in the children. my goodness. let's see how much i can remember so that i can bring it back with me to the states!

it was mother cabrini's feast this past november and i thought it would be cool if the casa cabrini girls (my community) could present something. the ladies of the house said they had a friend who could teach us the "our father" and soooo, here it is! to the tune of auld lang syne of course. :) enjoy!