strength for the journey.

before leaving for my mission this year, i attended MISO (Maryknoll International Service Orientation) in Ossining, NY, and i had the opportunity to meet some other missioners, who would also be serving all around the world. it was an amazing blessing to have other friends, also serving on mission this year (some for the next two years, just like me! yay solidarity!)

salesians, JVI, mercy corps, GSV...here is a compilation of some of their blogs. all of our experiences are extremely unique, especially given the international context, and it is so wonderful to see how God takes many shapes in each of these countries...united, we support one another. and we're doing this together. :)

it's pretty remarkable. enjoy!

* let me know if you want me to include your blog here. :)

Angela in Bolivia
Marcos in Bolivia
Monica in Bolivia
Joe in China
Jon in Brazil

Josh in Ethiopia

Ashley in Guyana
Sarah in Guyana
Magdalena in Malaysia
Charles in Micronesia
Mary Elise in Rwanda

from the big apple to orange county

hello friends! the time has come for another update! let me make this easy on you (which i think this will somewhat be how i begin my upcoming blog entries, for efficient and organizational purposes!) - SUBTITLES!

I MISO Reflection - not the soup
II Time between MISO and Now
III Countdown to the PI
IV Good Book - Praying Our Goodbyes
V "Lights On" Program
VI Quote on my Mind

I MISO - Maryknoll International Service Orientation - July 8-23 - Ossining, NY
Yes, i left new york on the 23rd of june, to make it ontime for my best friends' wedding (to one another - love them) at USD, then headed back to NY on july 8th to attend MISO with about 33 other missionaries from various programs (Holy Cross Lay Missioners, Salesian Lay Missioners, Response Ability Volunteers, Mercy Corps, and of course, Cabrini!). We had sesssions on staying healthy overseas, we prayed rosaries at night in the tabernacle/choir loft, we held impromptu praise and worship sessions, we discussed lots, we voiced our opinions, lots, we learned about Inculturation, we saw different ways of approaching conflicts, we discussed the importance of community, we talked about maintaining and how to maintain healthy relationships, we talked race, we talked reality, and we talked mission. WHY are we doing what we are doing? when was it that we each received a call? what is driving us, motivating us, pushing us forward to do what we are about to do for 1-2 years?

many of the people i was with have indeed received a lot of negative energies surrounding their mission, whether it be from parents, friends, family, and we would discuss that. it was certainly a beautiful thing to be surrounded by other young adults who had hearts full of desire to serve as ministers the best way they can. i went into the training thinking that i would be receiving a cross-cultural experience, as i learned about other ethnic cultures and countries...however, i discovered something different. God showed me, as i was exposed to, different perspectives on the catholic church and the way that it was expressed by other young adults. growing up in southern orange county, i have found that my understandings, my practices, my understanding of faith, is different from others who grew up in different places. the range of opinions went all along the gamet from conservative to liberal on any given topic, and truly, truly, it called for a time to learn from one another, and yet, despite differences, appreciate each other, and what each person brought to the table/discussion. grace-filled for sure.

through orientation, i am convinced that each and every one of the people i met, WILL in fact, change the world somehow. if not in HUGE ways, definitely within their communities and in their ministries, and that itself, is HUGE. brazil, uganda, rwanda, india, ethiopia, chile, the list goes on...it is so great and it was such a blessing to meet remarkable individuals with such blessed journeys ahead of them!

it was definitely different attending orientation without my sisters, mary and michelle at my side, but it helped to be in communication with them, to have their support and prayers. gina, our director, came out for a couple of days, and that was one of the highlights of my time at orientation! familiarity and wisdom = best combination for where i was at in orientation (towards the end). it was perfect timing, if you will. during orientation we had a couple of free days, and one of the days, i got to visit Columbus Community (my community of sisters in NY), and got to have dinner and pray with them before heading back to Ossining. i would have to say that that timing was absolutely perfect. i was missing cabrini, i wanted to see the sisters, and that break for a couple of hours was exactly what my soul needed. i came back to orientation rejuvenated and ready to take on the next workshops. so thankful i was for that opportunity to head over to gramercy park, just one last time!

and in two and a half weeks, after hopping on the metro north down to grand central station, i was on my way to the airport. MISO was over. july 23rd.

II Time Between MISO and Now
after leaving MISO, i got home in the late evening around 11:30pm, packed my bags, because at 7am, i would be heading out to san francisco to hang out with some of my cousins. spent time in the city, hiked, and my cousin andrew found a labyrinth for me, because he knows i'm obsessed, we walked it, then later on, my cousin rochelle, also took me to another labyrinth - land's end! that one was pretty awesome because it was overlooking the water and it was made of rocks. ironically enough, the man who created the labyrinth was there and he had a video guy with him. the video guy was creating a video on the labyrinth, and he interviewed me on my thoughts about it. soooo i went off about how i love labyrinths because of their meditative quality, and i talked about how it is such a great tool for contemplation! apparently he thought it was profound, while i thought i could have been way more articulate, but hey, it worked, and i got to enjoy the labyrinth :) check it out: http://www.laberinthos.com/ - apparently it was ruined a couple of times, one time by an individual who was very angry at some personal events in his life, and then returned and met the creator of it. super interesting.

after my fun time in san francisco, that next weekend, i went with some of my girlfriends to las vegas, and we had a blast - dancing and enjoying our upgraded suite at planet hollywood. eating earl's sandwiches and hangin' out by the pool, and just having a good time, the heat didn't stop us! after my time in vegas, it brought me to august 2nd. august would be spent in socal. no more trips for me. the next time i use my suitcase, it will be for the PI. and so here we go!

III Countdown to the PI
Leaving on the 18th. follow-up dentist appointment next week, went to the doctor's, got all the tests done, got all the shots, got my eye appointment, ordered my year and a half supply (they wouldn't let me order more!) of toric lens contacts, started sifting through the books that i absolutely need to bring with me to baguio, and no, i have not yet started packing. the countdown is on, and it will be the 18th before i know it. and that, my friends, is where i am at, with this whole "physically getting ready" process of the move on mission. it's a struggle. :)

this weekend i have been given the awesome opportunity of speaking at my parish about my past year of mission with cabrini mission corps in new york. i'm doing one mass on saturday, four masses on sunday, and i made this huge posterboard with fun pictures and different images that have guided me this past year. i'm excited to share my story, and that excitement led me to email the monsignor at my church to see if this would be possible. ask, and you shall receive! woohoo!

and before you know it, it will be next week, which is when my sister is coming into town, it is more cousins coming into town, it will be my cousin's birthday party at the park, then i get to give a talk at a young adult gathering at my church, again, talking about mission! woohoo! THEN, it's my goodbye party, then it's goodbye, for REAL. uh oh. ok, ...moving on. :)

IV Good Book - Praying Our Goodbyes
one of the greatest joys in coming home to california, has been in being reunited with some of my best friends out here. it is perfect timing to have united with everyone at andrew and lena's wedding at USD because right now, we are all going through some crazy life transitions. one was a teacher and joined JVI and is now in micronesia, another graduated with a masters from BC, and is also now with JVI and will be going to chile, i am going to the philippines, another will be starting a BFA requiring a new move, another is moving to louisiana to get her MSW, there are crazy, crazy, transitions going on amidst everyone in our close group of friends, and so this theme of transition, and goodbye has been individually on each of our hearts, and so, of course, we would collaborate and talk about the fact that we knew or at least understood how the other person was feeling.

because it has been so difficult to say goodbye to new york, to mary and michelle, to the sisters, and i myself, am in deep transition, gina gave me praying our goodbyes by joyce rupp. this book, is remarkable. so profound, and so perfect, really, just so appropriate to this time in my life. despite any physical distances, joyce is able to bring together the importance of prayer, kinship and the drawing of souls to one another, in the spiritual sense. sure it sounds hoakey, but joyce points out how jesus too, experienced being called to bring his ministry elsewhere, and to leave his friends, the disciples. jesus had emotions, but there was also the presence of God, and acceptance, and faith, that helped jesus to thrive through it all. this book, is just, that good. so good!

V "Lights On" Program
one of the priests at my church, said a mass at Mission San Juan Capistrano, and because i have been meaning to check out the life teen program at the basilica, i was able to make it out there. in the bulletin, i read about the "lights on" program, which was a program that served inmates immediately released from jail. as soon as i read that they needed volunteers, i immediately jumped on the opportunity because i wanted to find out more.

well, that's where i was tonight.

this is one of the coolest programs i have heard about, and basically "lights on" is an RV that parks outside of the jail (about 30 minutes from where i live - via freeway!) and it operates between 10pm-4am, which is when inmates are generally released, usually onto the streets with little or no resources for re-entry. i was talking with the deacon i had been in contact with, and he told me that these late hours are the prime time when inmates are released, all because of funding purposes. i was overwhelmed with awe that this program exists, because as i thought about it, how beautiful it is that this service is provided for immediately released inmates. it's true, sometimes inmates are not given sufficient notice prior to their release, to arrange for family members/friends to pick them up, and the next thing you know, they are stuck in a dangerous situation a couple miles down.

the mere presence of an RV, providing clothes, supplies, licorice, hot coffee, cold water, pizza, cookies, and candy, is a strong enough safe haven, if even for a little while. spending a small amount of time at the RV reminded me that, no, crystal, you may not be busy each and every minute of your time outside with a released inmate, but just in providing this presence for others, that is more than enough. i just am such a big fan of this program already, and i wish others would jump onboard with this. this also got me looking forward to my mission in the philippines, whatever is to come with that. :) i'm open.

...and there you have it. i'm doing well. mother cabrini has her eye on me, for sure. and jesus, well, i feel like i have given Him many reasons to laugh lately. all is well, and wow, still can't believe new york is done. for now. :)

VI Quote on my Mind...
Our first task in approaching another people, another culture, another religion is to take off our shoes, for the place we are approaching is holy. Else we may find ourselves treading on men's dreams. More serious still we may forget that God was here before our arrival. ~ Raymond Hammer // I find so much comfort in this, because it just relieves so much stress and any expectations that we may place on ourselves anytime we enter a new place. God is already there. As a missioner, God is inviting me into that space. How awesome is that. Enough said. :)

we are projects [in progress]

...just thought i'd throw some of these beautiful quotes your way (we went to the "maryknoll motherhouse" today) and this was on the peace pole in their museum [amazing]:

* mission is like breathing - there are times when God draws us in and times when God sends us out

* work on the missions demands that you undergo a martyrdom - if not a real one, at least a living one

* a missioner goes to a place where he is needed but not wanted, and stays until he is wanted, but not needed

* i choose to do God's work for the countless people overlooked, overworked, and forgotten.

* to be converted to love every day, change all your energies, all your potential, into selfless gifts for the other person.

* mission is to go to a no place, to serve God's nobodies, and, in the eyes of the world, to accomplish no-thing. in this, may we realize we are at the center of what time, meaning, and history are all about.

...all about mission. YES. :)

...miso - so i'm here!

...at miso, and everyone is amazing, like, ridiculously awesome, wonderful and very inspiring. we just finished praying the rosary tonight in the chapel. i mean, really? in the evenings, we pretty much have the time to ourselves and to socialize and what not, and yup, just finished praying with all the missionaries. this is just, wow. really, wish you were here!

...He's not done with me yet.

Christ Has No Body - St. Teresa of Avila

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

again, this song/quote by st. teresa of avila has resonated in my mind and every time i read it, i think about my orientation with response ability, but also, i think about the beautiful words that they are.

this weekend, mary, michelle, and i attended a discernment retreat centered around the simple yet so complex question, what are you doing with your life? up in garrison, ny, we gathered with about 32 other volunteers from the new york area and we talked: discernment. all at varying degrees on our journeying of grasping and coming to understand what discernment is and what it means to each one of us, it was a very beautiful weekend. i have to say, it definitely came at a wonderful time for me. it centered me, it brought me back to what i am doing, and to what i am living, it gave me a chance to slow down, to sit back, to pray, to reflect, to meditate, to sit with jesus, to enjoy jesus, to be refilled with true, authentic joy, to love, to re-energize.

this weekend was unlike any of the other retreats i have been on...mostly because we had a large chunk of time to do what we wanted, but that time was meant to be for prayer/reflection/silence and solitude. while other retreats usually also give free time, it is not usually in the context of intended time set aside for discernment. i'm currently reading 'my life with the saints' by james martin, sj, and this book is really quite amazing. it is wonderful to hear the stories of the saints and to see what reflections father jim has to say about a select number of them. all i know is that the jesuits are awesome. i would have really liked to have met st. ignatius of loyola. what a story and what a spirit that man had. such an inspiration.

i am re-ignited with the charge of mission and with the true sense of what that means. so good. new york is quite the city. everyday...my love for spoken word is increasing, my passion for yoga is leaving my body sore, my patience is still being worked on, my flexibility is starting to make itself known...it is just really crazy to think that we are already halfway through this year. this life that i am leading, it is so good, it is so blessed, and i can say that this is where God wants me to be. what a joy that is in and of itself..there's no sense in forcing anything or making myself believe anything, because where i am is where my heart lies, and being able to recognize that and be aware of that, is well, pretty dang amazing to me.

i tend to be someone who freaks out a lot, but by the graces in peace that i feel that i have received, i know that God has already gone before me...be not afraid, i go before you always, come follow me...what a peace that is! i talk to my spiritual director about that pretty much every time we meet (weekly), and the feeling of confidence in that, continually illuminates my experience and my walk with God. what peace and joy that brings to me, to know that, i can do everything through Christ who strengthens me (phil 4:13)...why? because everything that i am fearful to attempt, everything that i want to do, but feel incapable of doing...well, God has already gone before me, and in everything i endure and experience, i truly believe that He is at my side guiding the way, whatever the outcome. esp. for God's greater glory...wow. there is peace there, and there is a genuine goodness in that. obvs.

sometimes i surprise myself and alarm myself from my perspectives, but what it comes down to, is, this is me. this is my authentic self. i don't really relent for anyone because i feel like that compromises my values, and if it does so in a negative way, then that is really not going to help me sleep at night. i was reflecting this weekend on how i really had the ability to just up and quit my career at a well-to-do corporate america job. it came down to me realizing my heart was not in my work. it came down to me realizing there was something deeper stirring in my heart. there was a strong conviction - something that came from deep within...a feeling, and a confidence in trusting that.

i recall the moments i would be sitting with my friend mike, talking to him about how fearful i was for my trip to the philippines in april - i told him...something is waiting for me there, something is going to happen...i'm nervous, but it's good, but i am so scared for what is to happen...and sure enough, little did i know that my trip to the philippines in april would set the stage for my decision to serve with my whole being as a missioner with cabrini mission corps in june.

it is that feeling, and it was those moments of waking up everyday with the sun shining in my face under my orange covers, getting up and praying my cabrini novena and my miraculous medal novena as i was seeking guidance that helped lead me to new york. it was the dreadful feeling of, is there something better out there waiting for me? is there something else that i am being "called" to? yes, so bizarre, that word, "call," but that's truly what it is/was, and truly, it was this feeling that i had in my being...it's a feeling i still have in my heart, and it is so much a part of me, that i can not separate myself from it, even if i tried - but i don't know why i would want to do that!

the journey here, however, does come with sacrifice...leaving my family, home and best friends, losing the young adult community at st. monica's is pretty unfortunate, and being oh so far...but there is still trust. trust in that, i am actually ok out here in terms of community, and me leaving was probably for the best. actually, it is a little "letting go" compared to what i am doing here in new york, and for that, i am grateful for the strength to get on the plane and pack my life into two large suitcases.

there's still more to come, and that, THAT makes me excited for my life, even more. pinch me. is this real? yes, it is. this. is. my. life. my beautiful, blessed, wonderful, life. and for that, i am grateful. let my gratitude seep out of my pores and into your ears. so real.

sunshine, sunshine!

...and i'm back! mary, michelle and i went to wickatunk, new jersey, with the good shepherd volunteers for a retreat on Community. we did our Orienatation Retreat with the GSV kids, and so it was wonderful to be together with them again on our Community Retreat! The LA girls even got to come out, and that was awesome! except for the fact that i snore, like, bad, like, uncontrollably...mwahahaha! well, i got good sleep :)

something great that i learned one retreat was really taking into account, "reverencing the individual." what does it really mean to look at and cherish each person as God sees them? yeah, of course, it is difficult to do that, especially when someone has done wrong onto me, or if they have done something wrong to someone that i care about, but really reverencing and respecting the individual and their choices. AND their choices!

something that was very much reinforced pretty much in every community is that every person has different needs. what does that really mean? some people need more alone time than others, some people need to get away at times (ex. me - i get bored really easily, so i always need to be doing something!), and etc. the different needs vary, but it is important to reverence that and hold that person still with respect and seek understanding in those situations. having open communication is key. if as a community, we can not be honest about things, that is where difficulty and strife may come in. that is when conflicts may arise.

it is such a blessing to be able to talk with michelle and mary about anything, like, ANYTHING. and THAT is a great, great thing! i would not want it any other way :) woohooo! so it was a success. and we had a wonderful presence of the Spirit, especially with the saturday night prayer service that we got to lead! woohoo! oh such good things come when we take the opportunity to affirm one another!

soo...yeah, it is a grey day today, and it looks like it will be raining soon. the sister is coming to dinner tonight, as she will be leaving on saturday for hawaii!! she's moving to hawaii!!! how crazy is that? oh, but God is good and got her a job out there. so that is wonderful! i watched "the santa clause" today at the convent and ate m&ms, while spending some time on the couch. it was so great to just chill for a little bit...haha like, a good hour. it was very much needed. :)

sisters are so lovely! yay! oh Lord, you are so good to me!

one month from yesterday...i'll be home! woot woot! :) get excited!! YAY!

will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

it is only fitting of course that I begin my time in new york city listening to the soundtrack of avenue q. sooo here I am!! Hello gramercy park! I apologize for the lack of blogging, for what seems to be almost 3 months, when really potentially it has only been a couple of weeks or so. I don’t even know when the last time was that I blogged! I’m typing this out on my laptop, and due to the lack of wireless connection in the house right now, I am just gonna use my good ol flash drive to help transport this stream of consciousness to my blog online. So there you have it! Get ready!

After the last few days of cabrini orientation, we said bye to all of the sisters, packed the car, and drove over to staten island. It wasn’t that easy. It was hot, it was humid, it was tiring, and it was really sad saying bye…who knows when I will see them again? Since many of them are moving to different facilities in new york, we plan on visiting them before things get crazy with our own ministries and missions. Ok, so we headed to staten island for a week retreat with the good shepherd volunteers - these are the volunteers that work alongside the ministry and mission of the sisters of the good shepherd. YES that is correct! The same order that I did service with in April, when I served at the Euphrasian Residence in manila. I discovered it was a small world, when the sisters in new york, knew some of the sisters I knew from manila. Yay!

So yes, you may be a little confused, so let me break it down for you a little bit. The first two weeks in philly was with the response ability group - the teachers who will be serving in inner city schools under the sisters of the holy child - started by cornelia connelly, and they will be serving in LA, DC, and Philly. Then after these two weeks, I spent the next 4 days just living with the sisters in philly, spending time with them and helping them with their move. This is an assisted living convent, so even just watching the sisters help one another, and watching them eat, was one of the most precious things to watch. The next 3 days of that week were dedicated to Cabrini orientation. This is when the three of us, me, michelle, and mary, learned more about each other, along with our director, Gina, and Sr. Dianne and Sr. Grace. Amazing group of women and every day I was inspired more and more by who they are and I am so excited that these are the people I will be sharing this year (at least) with. We did life journeys, and talked about the joys, the challenges, the different roads we have been on…basically everything that led us to where we are now…Cabrini Mission Corps. When we really took time to dive into the heart of everything that led us to where we are now, it was quite emotional, needless to say…boxes of Kleenex served as our companion, prayer, hugs, and a lot, a lot of support and affirmation in these decisions.

We then ventured off to staten island for a retreat with the good shepherd volunteers. Here, we broke down the 4 tenets of the good shepherd: simplicity, community, ministry, and spirituality. It was important for me to realize that simplicity does not only mean with possessions, and it is not only speaking in the material sense. Moreso, this also means simplicity with my relationship with God…no matter how many statues you have, or I have rather, haha, no matter what the walls in my room look like, simplicity is key…no need to complicate things. It only makes things cluttered. But, lets be honest. If you know me, you know I need that stuff, so therefore, I have some of that stuff with me and I most certainly will be applying them to my walls. J

We did a drum circle at retreat too…it was definitely one of the best things I’ve done, and I am inspired to buy a drum and just play in a park and start a beat. We each took an instrument, someone just started, and we went around and added to it…creating music…some were good, and some beats were unfortunate, but we were all a part of it, and it really allowed us to let loose and reflect on its metaphorical connection to a community. It was absolutely moving and beautiful at the same time.

Community - I am living with mary and michelle, and 5 other older sisters. Mary is from Milwaukee, WI, and her and I share a bathroom between us. She’s half Chinese and half Polish and has this deep passion for Latin America and salsa - the dancing that is! J Michelle is from St. Louis, MO, and she lives upstairs. She’s Filipino and Chinese and is in her 2nd year of being a missioner with the Cabrini Mission Corps. Then we have the other sisters that I live with - they are all older, and they are a special group. We eat together, we will be having community prayer nights, and with this, it is important to also mention and break down any assumptions you may have on what this community may look like. Like in any group of people from different backgrounds and experiences, there will be disagreements, and some days will be easier or more challenging than others, but all in all, with the intention to support, encourage, and allow each other to grow, love and peace will be our guide. Just remember, sisters are people too…I had to remind myself of this…considering all I have been picturing and envisioning is an experience straight outta sister act. Don’t get me wrong..I love that, BUT! That is also Hollywood. Haha!

The Cabrini charism is one of deep spirituality and that is what has drawn me to this community. After having the amazing and blessed opportunity to spend time with the sisters of the holy child and the sisters of the good shepherd, the spirituality of the Cabrini charism is what really drew me in and ultimately brought me here. One of the first rules in the Cabrini mission, is the bringing in of young adults to help in the mission, so here I am. Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - was the motto of Mother Cabrini, and one that I am trying to cling on to in times of distress.

Haha, ok, so here we go…so I’m here. I’m sitting on my bed and it has a nice bedspread with blue flowers, and some ribbon of blue, yellow, and green. Mr. Brown Eyes is sitting right next to me, and of course my phone is to my left. The door is to the left of me, I have a sink and a medicine cabinet, I have a closet about one and a half feet long, I have a big dresser and on it lies a pic of my mom, me, and my grandparents, santo nino, another one, the good shepherd, a picture of our lady of medjugorje, a glow in the dark crucifix, and other getting ready stuff. Then I have a chair, then a desk. When I first walked into my room, I was pretty much speechless. It was like, I have been counting down till the 22nd, cause that was the magical day when I would finally be in my place in gramercy park…yeah…it wasn’t really magical. It was more surreal. I put my things in my room, and I just sat on my bed and looked around. There’s a crucifix over the door, one on the wall, an icon of another religious figure, mary in the corner, and a quote on the wall from mother cabrini - “ if you have not yet seen miracles, it is because you possess little faith.” I still have stuff all over the place, and of course I still have yet to have been here for 24 hours…I’m starting to feel the transitioning that is beginning to take place inside of me. I didn’t really think it would be a feeling like this, one that I can not even explain and unfortunately can not articulate, but it is one of just like, wow. I’m here. Nothing super good, nothing super bad, just wow. I think that’s part of it though..to just be, and accept where I am, and yet, I am still 200% sure that this is where God wants me to be. And THAT itself should provide me with peace…I just gotta get there. J

The air conditioning is on, and I tried conserving energy by turning it off…so I did. And then I walked back in, and my room was stuffy. Soooo naturally, I got over it and turned it back on…and so I am happy J

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions, and I remember telling my director about how hard it was to be present because I was so exhausted from two weeks of training then a week of more training then another week of retreat…it was very much like, please stop me from having to live out of a suitcase! I was like, Gina, it’s really hard to be present…I just wanna get there. And she so graciously reminded me that my mission has already started, and me just getting out here, and even before that…in my mission to commit to this, my mission had already begun. This is all part of the process, and all in the plan and preparation prior to me being that awesome health teacher and inspiring campus minister that I want to be. J

Just as I have a mission, I am reminded that God has a mission in me, and in us. It is such a beautiful thing and I am so blessed to have experienced 4 weeks with about 40 other young adults who have felt a calling to serve with their lives for a year or so, or even beyond…it is an amazing thing to see passion, and see it played out in the lives of the friends I have made. I never thought I would have a friend from Tennessee, I never thought I would have made great friends who live in Philly, and I never thought I would ever live in New York…with sisters. I’m here, and it feels so good, so so so so good, but I just gotta remind myself that it is ok to struggle and also, that all I gotta do, is be myself…because that’s all God expects of me, and that is all that I have to offer. There’s no need to have a mentality to have to make big changes, or create any elabroate movement…rather, the giving of myself will be moving enough…God is already here, He has been here…in the high school, on 21st street, in laguna niguel, in philly…everywhere. And that. That is a great, great thing. Life is good…and I am blessed.

are you sure you want to do this?

after a beautiful day of sharing and diving into openness of it all, we had a little formal introduction with the sisters...just picture 3 23 year olds busting out a new york song and ending with do-re-mi from sound of music...basically, anything to get the sisters excited about what they would hear from us...we shared with them why we were here, and what really drew us to the program.

all in common, we had one thing that we strived for, and found: spirituality. it was something that was very unique to our program, and having this focus and having set this as our priority, really paved the way for each of us to end up here as missionaries with mother cabrini. i am inspired in that she was persistent in building orphanages where she went, and where she saw a need. it inspires me to go back to my desire to build an orphanage in the philippines. will it happen? i really hope so.

i had a conversation with my mom today and basically told her i would most likely be doing this for a while...and that was kind of a weird realization, a scary one, but also a good one. this feels great with my soul so far, so we shall see, but as you know, disponibilita (accent on the a!) is the way to go. it is the theme, and we're stickin to it. be open, and go where God wants you to go.

are you sure you want to do this? an all too familiar question that i was asked multiple times on multiple occasions by multiple people. with that being said, my answer was Yes, and my answer IS Yes. i'm here, and i'll probably be here for a while. i'll leave it at that. :)

fill us up, and send us out...

yay! our missionary triad is complete as of yesterday at 2pm. woohoo! straight up from st. louis, milwaukee, and orange county/los angeles, we will be serving as the cabrini mission corps. :) woohoo!

yesterday was a whirlwind where we had some prayer time, got to visit my RA friends next door, and watch some friends episodes along with tristan and isolde. wow, that movie. how unfortunate. oh yeah, and we had some ice cream. i guess i should have saw the end coming, but i was still optimistic through the movie. shoot.

it is great to finally start orientation for the cabrini mission corps, because while RA training was fun...it was very much teaching based, and i need some more spirituality all up in here on the east coast. so with that being said, it is a good good start. the mother superior of the entire Cabrini order is coming today, and she has spent many a years in the philippines, so i'm very excited to meet her! woohooo!

it is really interesting to see how your surroundings will really shape who you are, what you do, and how you view things. i have been out here for almost 3 weeks now, and i have been wearing my old navy flip flops the entire time. there's no pressure to wear matching outfits, no pressure to be all done up...it is living very simply, and so far, i am doing just fine. :)

the fruitfulness of my life here comes in the appreciation of the companionship of the sisters. i think i mentioned this, but the meals are the best parts of the day because i get to watch the sisters eat and take care of one another. it is one of the most precious things you will ever get to experience. :) in my opinion at least. every time, i just get this, awwwwww moment, when i watch sister cleta walk with her walker or when i see sister adele wrap up some of her leftovers in saran wrap. ah so good.

so, so, so, so, good. difficult, at times, but good. <3

stepping forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action...

oh what a beautiful morning

as i wipe the snot from my nose and the tears from my eyes, i think to myself, dang, i've really only known these two nuns for about a month now, and already i'm so sad to see them go...with the closing of this convent, they are moving out the nuns little by little...the older nuns go to dobbes ferry and the other nuns go somewhere else in lower manhattan.

this morning michelle and i woke up early to eat breakfast then say bye to sister augustine and sister sylvia. sister augustine is 96 and sister sylvia is um, very old. haha i dont know how old. sister sylvia is an established poet and sister augustine is from a family of performers...she still sings, like, well, and she is so cute. she was sleeping on the little bench thing waiting for the car to pick her up.

every time i sit across from her during the meals, she talks about the big tree outside the window and starts singing a solo she sang when she was in high school. haha it's so cute!

sister sylvia can't really talk or hear, but we gave her kisses, and she kissed us back. sister augustine was sleeping, but one of the nurses was like, auggie, there are people here who want to say goodbye to you!...so she woke up, and said very loudly, goodbye! and starting singing...it was so precious. then she fell asleep. haha!

and then the nurses and all of their fellow sister nun people came, and then me and michelle, and we were just so sad to see them go! :( but she gave us a kiss...and she said, "i'm going where all the old people go, then to the cemetery." i hated hearing that...but that's also the truth, and that's also what makes me so sad...but wow, they're going to be rockstars in heaven. i know it.

and on that note, good morning :) my tummy is full with an egg and some toast. way to keep it healthy. i know.

ahhh!

we are called to walk tenderly...

wow. and here i am, back at the convent with the cabrini sisters. the seminary days are over - as of 4pm tonight at the convent of the sisters of the holy child, we have been commissioned to go out and spread our ministry in education. one commissioning service down...TWO more to go! we have cabrini then commissioning with the sisters of the good shepherd. crazy ridiculous. it was a beautiful service, and it was a beautiful day.

i just finished walking sister sylvia back to her room. she is very old, she can not hear anything, but she was reading chicken soup for the golden soul. i helped her put her book onto the pocket in her walker, and walked her back to her room. i think i almost started crying when i saw the other sister trying to communicate with her through writing on paper. she was just concerned as to why she wasn't in bed yet, even though she had her nightie on and everything. these sisters are amazing. i wish you could see what i see. my cheeks are covered in kisses from the sisters. wow, this is great. :)

last night we had fun skits, and michelle and i did a skit from wicked, played some charades with the group, and then busted out our own rendition of seasons of love. hey, we had to introduce NYC to everyone (that was the skit prompt), so therefore, we had to do what we do best...have a good time and perform! meanwhile, we went to the grog last night, danced a lot, and ended up talking with some friends out here until 5am. yeah, pretty awesome. :) sorry girl, with your friends, i just could NOT do it. shoot.

at this evening's commissioning, it was absolutely wonderful to see all the love from the sisters of the holy child, and the cabrini sisters. :) ahh such good stuff. a lot of crying happened today, a lot of reflection, a lot of realizing that wow, i am in such a good place surrounded by so many wonderful people - young, vibrant people really wanting to make a change in the world. what a blessing! support and community are just amazing good things to have. my heart has been on an emotional rollercoaster, but wow. it has been such a good one. never did i think i would have a home in philly...but i have so many friends here now...YAY!

ah unfortunately i wish i could write more, but right now, my head is kinda all over the place. i'm gonna head out to the cabrini house in a bit to visit with some other volunteers, and gotta catch up on much needed phone calls. i am back though at the convent, which means, access to facebook. and THAT, my friends, is a great thing. :)

email me with questions...i know some of you have some ;) cgcatalan@gmail.com. holler. i'm out!

as days go by...

i don't even remember the last time i went to bed at 4:30am...after hanging out at brownies - sink or swim night - $1.50 drinks from 10pm-12am, i would say i relived the college experience that i never really had. cab it to the bar, dance for endless hours, have a great time, and have beer and libations spill all over the place as everyone tries their best to dance and freak to the beat that was playing. it was pretty awesome i do have to say. relive the college experience 2 years later. not bad..there were definitely 30 year olds all up in that place. :)

it was a good time - after the bbq last night, straight up in like the woods, i felt like i was in twilight, i saw 3 deer just chillin in the grass!! it was a moment where i was like, dude, where am i? and then we went to becker's, the teacher store to bust out some teacher supplies! haha i talked to my mom last night and it was crazy explaining to her the stuff that i bought for my classroom...and get this, i don't have a whiteboard, so i gotta write with chalk! snap! haha gotta love it.

the best part of being here are the people. the people are fun, and the fact that we are so sad to leave each other means that we've actually maybe kinda bonded a little bit...or a lot. it's good stuff, but it's great to know that i will always have friends in philly, DC, more in LA, and definitely in NY.

sidenote, how do you feel about long distance relationships? especially one where there may actually be potential? i mean, really now. without that strong foundation though, it will just topple over...there's always a purpose in timing...so it is what it is...ironic, i feel like i was typing probably the exact opposite yesterday, but i guess things happen faster than i think around here. haha, the phone definitely is a powerful tool when that's all you got!

time to meet with the sisters and finish up our last full day here at the seminary. it's been fun...until next time. ;)

it was a crazy game of poker...

the seven C's

you've been Called/be Confident/be Competent/be Collaborative/be Candid/be Caring/CELEBRATE!

every day we've been here, we pretty much have notes full of helpful sayings, inspirational quotes, and different things to remember...the seven C's were given to us from a principal that has worked with many inner cities school for the past 2 decades pretty much, so i would say he's pretty wise. despite the fact that he was straight up staring at me as i nodded off to sleep, i was still able to jot down those 7 ideas and they are money. it's good stuff.

we had rita's italian ice last night and it was absolutely delicious. mango...AND...SWEDISH FISH flavor, RIGHT? shoot, so good. ok, i digress. relationships are an interesting thing..this has been something that has been constantly coming up. not so much in the romantic relationship setting, cause let's be honest, there hasn't really been anything super exciting or worth mentioning here, in my life, but just in general, relationships have been quite the theme here. perhaps because there is fear in maintaining relationships because people are far away from the bfs/gfs, or just their friends in general... it's a really fragile thing. it's a good one too.

it's really um, "interesting," for lack of a better word, when i hear myself talk about the past relationships i have been in, or the past types of males that i have allowed to take a couple hours of my time in the recent months. for one, it makes me feel a little old, and number two, i blame it on the fact that i was in LA. but i don't really blame it, because i LOVE LA and all that was included in it. no regrets!

looking back, i really think i have grown a lot, and i am still growing, and this has definitely helped me determine who is worth my time and who is not...which leads me to where i am now. there's just not enough hours in the day to shoot the shit with people who may drain me of my joy, life, or energy. as simple and as beautiful as that, it is non-negotiable. sorry buddy. BOOM. :) maybe that's just my explanation or what i tell myself to feel better about myself to make me think that there's nothing wrong with me, but really, it is what it is, and if you know me, you know i'm doing quite lovely. :) praise God for that.

and i think i also came to the conclusion that i have entered this life of service, and i don't see myself exiting. sooo...what that means, i'll leave it at that. and...on that note, here we go!!

holiness is faithfulness, holiness is joy...

if You want me to...

ain't about how fast i get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side...

i swear the days have gotten longer. like, straight up longer. i don't even know what day it is, and i have been catching myself nodding off to sleep. like, straight up trying my best to open my eyes from a .7 second nap only to find the teacher staring right at me. BOOM. caught. i swear, that happened probably like 10 times...in like 1 half hour session, but honestly, shoot. girl is TIRED.

we're starting to look into ways to assess the students...grading - how am i going to weight the different assignments? yeah...i need to remind myself not to take out my aggression and frustration with my past teachers' grading systems, onto my future students. mwahaha, no i wouldn't do that. it's funny because while i have already been brainstorming different assignments, my first one will be to bring in your favorite quote - a quote that inspires you. HAHAHA shocking, right? it's gonna be great! yipppeee!! my room will be a refuge for pure inspiration and wellness. :)

i swaer each day is jam-packed with different things to do, and now we have like 4 hours of free time...well, it's not exactly free time, we have things we are supposed to do, but i am taking advantage of this and using it to satisfy my technology thrist via google. i am supposed to be preparing a role play for teaching assessments, but that can wait. this is more important. :) haha it's funny - the minute we don't have things to do, we like don't know what to do with ourselves.

music has been my sanctuary and after putting on a sweet prayer workshop with michelle on prayer and reflection on our fears for our upcoming school year, i am beginning to get more and more excited about my role in campus ministry. i get the awesome opportunity to teach in the classroom, and be a campus minister to the school. excellent!

in this time of transitions, there are a lot...and we went over them today as a group. easily, these may be translated into fears...here's a little insight for you on the general case of the group...fear of maintaining relationships, oversight/forgetting, feelings of inadequancy and not being good enough, fear of homesickness, fear of not getting students to the next grade level, fear of living in community, fear of the transitions...transitions being...from the west coast to the east coast (that would be me.), from salary (5 digits) to stipend (3 digits), from picking your roommates to having your community chosen for you, from suburbs to city, from role as student to role as teacher, from eating out to cooking your own food (yeah, i might die), from circumstantial situations to being intentional in community...the list goes on. regardless, they are all transitions that we have been dealing with.

it's a lot of stress, but a lot of healthy stress too. why did God want us to be here? it is that constant reminder and the trust that keeps us here and got us here. some of my friends out here have yet to be placed in schools, but they're moving into their sites in 2 weeks. it's pure craziness, but it's pure faith too. a lot of it. a strong sense of it. sooo that is that. :o)

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired" ~Mother Teresa

i had little stars in my chicken soup

Sweet Savior, help my unbelief...

so, here i am - 1:33pm on 8/2/09. michelle and i are with the sisters today at the convent because we have some laundry we needed to do...the other teachers were doing community building stuff at the seminary, and since we are missing one of our missioners, here we are enjoying ourselves on the computers! mwahahahaha...anddd we're putting on a prayer workshop tonight, so we're excited about that. woohoo! oh campus ministers at their finest.

when we got here this morning, after some excellent girl talk, it was pouring like crazy. it was a straight up storm, lightning, thunder, and the convent was all dark because they turned off the lights and we were all huddled in the living room. me, mich, sister grace, and sister mary lou were all super tired and we ended up all taking a nap...a half hour nap, then lunchtime...chicken soup with stars, spaghetti, vegetables, delicious bread, pink lemonade, ice cream, cookies, and chocolates. YUP. :)

the past few days have been full of more and more training - 9am-6pm to be exact, give or take a couple of extra hours - how to manage your classroom, how to put on classroom procedures, how to put together a lesson plan, and how to be a positive, effective teacher...merely a facilitator of learning, and learning how to help cultivate the learning environment for our students. our inner-city students.

yes, they may have uniforms, but we don't know what their homes are like. well, we actually probably do...i'm learning more and more about the dominican republic culture because most of my students will be dominican republic and african american. i'm teaching in washington heights, which means, my eyes will be opened in such a new way, and my heart is ready than ever to embrace it all and see what this looks like.

it is such a blessing to be around 25 other excited and passionate recent grads who want to make change in the world...who want to see a change in the educational system and want to make a difference in the students' lives. it's funny, as i have never really been fond of the classroom, or the classroom setting, or education...and here i am in the midst of discovering that yes, i get to have a first hand influence in helping shape the education of young people i have yet to meet. i can't believe i have been given that responsibility, and it is an absolutely wonderful one.

my mom asked me yesterday if i missed work. i said nope. and that, that, is how i know this is where i'm supposed to be. it is a good feeling to know that i am trusted to handle a classroom of 30 young girls...teaching them health. HAHAHA. i love it. absolutely.

it has been also very enriching to tell my fellow volunteers here, about my past two years in the corporate world. it brought up conversations on passion, and listening to your heart, and setting priorities. the fact that i get to be in a classroom and serve this purpose is such an enriching one, a great one. some people can sell coupons and advertising with no difficulty and that is where they're called to be, but doesn't look like that's what was in my Plan. i see change, and hope, and who knows where this will lead me.

all i know is what i'm doing this year, but after, it really is up to God. there is a whole world out here waiting to be fed, and i want to be my absolute best i can, to find where i can serve and give of myself. to be able to surrender to that though, is where the challenge comes. challenging, but rewarding. i can't bring money with me to heaven...nor would i want to.

i remember my friend telling me, as i was having difficulty packing, he said, " enjoy not having to look good. " hmm...

the past few nights a bunch of us have been going to explore the philadelphia city life. beer and all. we all know i hate beer...welllll looks like there will have to be a change in that opinion...i may start to acquire that taste and i don't like it, but i guess i'm getting there.

i'm meeting wonderful people, and it is so encouraging to see us all growing at different paces, but also finding that our intentions are really very similar - nowhere can you really be, where after the first full day, our whole group swears we are all besties. it's the craziest thing, but such a beautiful thing too. it has been hard without the internet - we're all pretty much going crazy over here, but we get our ish done - thanks to some people's iPhones and what not. of course, the LA kids. shoot.

so there we go my friends. thanks for coming along on this journey with me...every time i am in class, i have a moment and i'm like, ah i want to blog about that idea...and sure enough, it escapes me. oh well. :)

don't let anyone ever tell you...you are anything less than beautiful. <3

miz c...role play time!!

and yet it has happened again. i sat up in bed, and twisted my back - crack, crack. YUP. my back hurts. the bed didn't break, don't worry. SHOOT. they don't have pillowtop mattresses here. but they do have air conditioning. and a shower that i can barely fit in. but it's good. haha and they also have good food. we've been commuting from the seminary over to the st. ignatius school for some teacher training. second day almost done!

today we learned how to set the tone for the first day of school, set the guidelines, and bust out meaningful procedures for our students. luckily i'm with 10th graders, so i don't think it will be TOO hard for them to follow directions. at least, i sure hope not. shoot, the biggest struggle will be me NOT saying shoot, girl, and dang, and don't forget, ghetto, and i gotta make sure i pronounce their names right after the first day of school. haha, we role played, and i did well! :) YUP, totally different from role playing a coupon machine or a door hanger program to clients. those two words have haunted me for the past two years, and for the first time, i am finally almost 100% comfortable with that situation...maybe cause it is a completely different world. we have entered a whole new genre and way of living here folks. oohh soo good.

i just took a strengths finder test ( i think i took this for RA training too ) and i am an activator, empathy, individualization is important to me, woo, and connectedness. yeah - totally good ones, i'm happy about that. HAHA.

sooo that is that. dinner tonight then some game on race and culture. SHOULD be interesting. hahaha! anyway, i still get a kick out of myself, and i think people are having fun too, except we are all mildly feeling a bit of cabin fever action. bachelorette night on plush couches was fun, and last night we discovered that pretty much the majority of the girls like to date guys NOT their same race. haha, i guess that's just how things work around here...it's a small world, after all!

sooo, with THAT bein said, my name is going to be miss catalan to my students. i feel like that's like 4 syllables too many, so we're definitely busting out the miss C action...so i think it will be MIZ C. hahaha...and then if they wanna be fiesty about it, they'll call me missy. but i will stress the importance of NOT doing that, otherwise crystal will respond with loving anger. YUP. soooo there we go. enjoy your day, and think of some "getting to know each other" games for my 10th graders. thanks.

i'm gonna be teacherrrr!! and a campus minister!!! woot woot!!

then i saw fireflies

whew! it is CRAZY to think that only a day has passed by, since training had begun here. i am staying at a beautiful seminary out here in west philadelphia - it straight up looked like buckingham palace with a catholic statue flair to it, when we first arrived. i am with about 25 other teachers in the response ability program ( catchy, i know! ), but i am attending this teacher training with the group, though i am with the cabrini mission corps, with this other missioner, michelle. we're gonna be teachers/campus ministers at mother cabrini high school in new york! yay!

...yeah this is for real. i'm gonna be a teacher. a health teacher. and i'm gonna talk abotu fun stuff like puberty, drugs, and stds. hahahahaha, yeah, RIGHT?! :) i just received some name plates too for my classroom. DANG!

it has been quite the whirlwind so far, but God has been so good in bringing together good great people in my midst. whenever i hear the word LA ( there are some people here that will be moving to downtown Los Angeles to serve with their program ), i immediately think of santa monica and all the goodness west LA has brought me. and then i think of coupons. and then i immediately forget. HAHAHA...it is crazy to think that that was my life for the past two years, because to be honest, i can not even, maybe because i do not want to, but i can not even remember the feelings i had sitting in my cubicle - the negatives ones that would jump out at me when i would get upset. i think that's a good thing!

the homesickness is still there for sure. every time i talk to my mom on the phone, i know we are both crying a little bit on the other end. trying really hard to mask it as much as possible. we had a prayer this morning and we invited the spirit into the place wherever we were at - into the homesickness we were feeling, into the nervousness, the anxiety, the uncertainty. it is so good to talk to these other volunteers with me and hear their struggles and the challenges they all faced trying to get here. we all had to battle our parents in one way or another, whther it was good or bad, we were all faced with some crazy bumps along the way, but we all recognize the call that we each received. and we all responded in the same way. it's good.

to be perfectly honest though, i have yet to feel 100% completely comfortable here. given, it's only been a day, but still, like, i'm not quite there yet...maybe, we will see. i think it's cause it's hard for me to sleep in an unknown, unfamiliar place, and i'm starting to really understand that i will not be home for another 5 months. what the heck...so that is that. i am still so absolutely certain that i am supposed to be here, but it is just the living and the struggling with the effects of that decision, that hit me the hardest.

the humidity is unreal - i feel like, it's unfortunate. and it's not even that bad, but compared to socal, it's not exactly pleasant. :) that's ok though...we are living simply, we are eating well, my hair hates the humidity, and i saw my first fireflies this afternoon!!!! yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! haha as IF i love nature or something.

but there we have it. i'll try to post pics asap, but since they don't have wireless here, i gotta access everything through the seminary's library computers, and of course, facebook is blocked. YEAH, shoot, gotta keep those seminarians away from the real world. hahaha!

oh yeah, and 3 different people in the program have told me that i remind them of someone they know. shoot, so i'm unique. HAHA

until next time my loves <3

try your best and God will take care of the rest...