thanks for listening. thanks for feeling.

-- in the moments
i was reminded today of a very special moment that i experienced on last weekend's midnight run...we were just leaving one of our stops, and we see some people walking on the street watching our van drive by...so we stopped. right there. boom, in the middle of the road, making the two lane road - one. why? cause we needed to get these men some clothes and food. as soon as the van stopped, i jumped out and started greeting the men and asked them what they would like - actually, i kinda just started handing them some food. haha, but this one man was very particular with what he wanted. as i was going through the stacks of clothes and going through the goods that we were to giveaway, he kept grabbing things, and asking me more questions, and really, he started getting on my nerves.

now, patience is not one of my fortes, by any means, and i have actually been working on this for the past few months now since i have realized how my impulsiveness and my need for quick-turn-around is becoming so apparent...but i remember praying, dear God, please give me the patience i need right now...now, as a happy and comfortable 8 (enneagram-speak), i impulsively just said, can someone help me out here? sadi (shaw-day: one of my faves), girl, can you come out here and help? so she came and just stood there, and when i was done helping the man and we were done in the street, i got back in the van, and told sadi - girl, thanks for coming out and helping....and i realized, what she did for me, was being present. she stood there, and what i needed at that time, was just for someone to be there, and serve as that support. with everyone still seated in the van, and with sadi in the street with me, for some reason, it provided me with the patience and the help that i needed, though i was still digging through the clothes stacks. she provided me with the peace that i needed as my patience started to wear thin. it was strengthened if you will.

today, our yearbook meeting ended around 6:30 tonight and i was starving (we thought it would end around 4pm...we were wrong!)...started to feel sick as soon as we approached the subway station, and sure enough...the sugar intake ran low...bent over, i thought i was gonna faint. thank the Lord i had michelle. thank the Lord she had some gum to share with me, and with her rubbing my back, by the time we got to 59th street, i started to feel my pores start to generate themselves again, and i was no longer numb. thank God michelle was with me. when we were dealing with our yearbook stuff today, i thought, thank God, i'm not doing yearbook alone. yes, even such a small thing like putting together a yearbook may be laughable and sound absurd, but still, it is something that must get done...and it is quite the process. it is these moments and these times that i realize what a grace it is that we [i] do not have to deal with anything on our [my] own. there's always someone that i can lean on - sometimes literally, like tonight on the subway.

-- in the classroom
i have been doing this thing with my lesson plans...it usually consists of asking myself, what would i want to learn? what did i wish i had the chance to do in high school? how can i make class fun and full of "teaching moments" with lessons that my students can actually take with them? since my subject of health truly relates to anything in life, i have the amazing opportunity to do with it what i want...and so, i do. here's the latest...

so the other day we talked about personality theorists - more specifically freud, maslow, and erikson...we talked about the 5th stage of development according to e, and that would be identity and role confusion...which led me to ask the students to write down different questions that they have been faced with - what have they thought about? what are they being faced with today? here are some of their responses - of course they all had to do with race, religion, and sexuality (not really shocking):

...why do people take sex as a joke?....how are we so sure there is an existing God?...why did God create so many problems in my life?...why do boys always seem to think about sex?...am i loved? would i ever be loved? am i a good person?....what's my official purpose in life?...what would life be if i died? what would my family do? what they care?...why do other races look at african americans different?

when i read these questions scribbled almost with so much emphasis on the scraps of notebook paper, my heart clenched a little bit and i thought to myself, wow, intense. these are real questions that adolescents are dealing with, and this [life] is a hard, hard time to deal with sometimes...i only hope to be able to provide them with courage, hope, strength, wisdom, and the esteem for them to know their value as beautiful women, created to do wonderful things with their lives...but wow. just so wow.

-- in my room [ on my walls ]
something has been missing in my life and all around me. and really, i realized what it was! i didn't have a place to express my thoughts on my wall! :) you know my blog, it's what i do...but since college, i have had my inspiration wall. it's pretty much the place where i just write down my different thoughts/favorite quotes/moments/prayers write em on notecards and put em on my wall...using colors, using fonts, it's my way of expression...so that was my spontaneous project last night. i can not even tell you how refreshing it was to start that up again...as a result, in class today we were talking about emotions, and well, here's the outcome...the students had to write down different ways of dealing with/coping with/expressing the following emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, love, guilt...the pics are just a snipet of class today :)

vulnerability...it's something that i stress in my class - it's the way we are able to learn more about each other...it's part of the motivation towards me hating class when we are set up in "lecture style" - all seats facing the chalkboard...let's have class in a circle - let's have class in groups...let's facilitate discussion here. one of my most favorite moments is when students walk in to class with the most confused look on their face...where do we sit? :) i'm that teacher...kinda unpredictable.

move away from self-preservation and learn to let go, be open, let love in, and let the heart do the talking...it's time.

it was all so refreshing...

the hardest part of today was most definitely getting out of bed. i do this thing, which consists of waking up at 5:30 only to snooze for 10-14 minutes, then fighting against myself and turning on the lights. when the lights are on, then boom, i'm usually ready to go...well, so was not the case this morning! turned on the lights, sat up, and definitely toppled back over. haha...got out of bed at 6:20 and peaced by 6:35. i think i did a pretty good job, while maintaining a decent look as a teacher. :) and so began my morning...

the difficulty is that we had all last week off - GREAT! well, i caught up on so much needed sleep throughout the week, then this last weekend happened, and well, now i must catch up on sleep from this weekend! it's ok, i actually feel as though i have recharged my battery throughout the energies of today... :)

it was a beautiful day. why? it was refreshing and wonderful to see all the students!! highlights of my day included busting out some good music on my ipod, dancing in campus ministry, listening to a student talk about her journeys towards inviting Jesus back into her life and why she was making the decision to do so, teaching my health class (for noise and fun purposes) that we are to snap, instead of applause - and them actually listen and remember!, hearing my students share their collages that i assigned them, hearing my student read a poem aloud that she wrote about herself, going to theology on tap tonight, getting a lot of little things done that i just needed to do, but procrastinated on, and it was just such an uplifting energetic day.

...miss, you're like pushing 40...miss, i was wearing long pants and heels like the ones that you're wearing today, and i thought of you...miss, i love being around you because you're always smiling...doesn't it get tiring being so happy all the time?...miss, just stop... - so were some noteworthy comments from students today, all of which usually make me laugh right back at them, and correct them when necessary, of course.

my heart is happy in that life is just really good, and really beautiful. especially in this lenten season, praying, fasting, and almsgiving...stop/look/listen has been top of mind, always...awareness is key, and that is what i am finding. :)

beauty everywhere, even when i think there's none sometimes, happiness in getting wireless in our community room, joy in that my students feel comfortable talking to me and seeking advice from me, peace in that i am being honest with myself and that discernment is an ongoing process of life, and truth and honesty always in being who i am and who i was made to be. i'm learning also how to try to not be so gut-responsive...cause sometimes it just stresses me out and makes me uneasy, and crystal can tend to jump to conclusions in a matter of seconds. that, therefore, has been added to my..."i can only improve from here" list. :)

and with that, i wanna love life - authentically, realistically, and beautifully.

it's all in desire...

today marks ash wednesday, as noted on the dark pigmentation on my forehead...and what a good lent i hope to have.

it has been quite the past couple of weeks, with moments where i would think to myself, wow, i should really write that down...and sure enough, i have forgotten many of those moments, but i'm ok with that. for lent, i am making the following changes in my lifestyle...no eating of cookies, no eating of deep fried food (we all know how much i love french fries and chicken tenders..!)...and i'm doing the following...stop//look//listen...at multiple points in my day, stop, give myself a moment, and actually be present...look, and be mindful and aware of what i'm doing, where i'm at, where is God...listen, incorporate it altogether and listen to what the moment is telling me...i'm really looking forward to this practice as i think it will really help me be 1) present and 2) aware.

sometimes it is really difficult for me to be present, especially since a big part of my personality lies in the fact that i like to do ten million things at once, there are always people that i want to correspond with, either through calls, email or text, and as a result, sometimes i miss out on good nuggets of wisdom shared from the person i may be with at any given moment.

random ramblings:
--today i had a moment where i wanted to give a hungry man some of my applesauce, and sure enough i rushed out of the train because i had to get off on my appropriate stop, but wasn't able to get it out of my bag quick enough...sure enough, i walk away with the doors still open...meaning, if i actually was patient instead of frazzled, i could have gotten homie the applesauce intended for him. later this afternoon, i saw a man asleep on the subway, sprawled out, using the seat as a bed...exhausted, tired. it made my heart sad. the applesauce that was intended for the man in the morning, then was given to this man. i just put it on his walker, as he slept, and as people veered out of the way of sitting anywhere near him. :( //stop//look//listen

--i had an amazing mardi gras tuesday. granted it was snowing and hurting my face, but our community was able to have a wonderful lunch celebration at sacred heart convent... and sr. adelina and sr. speranza are there now! it was a delicious meal, and i really think i burned a lot of calories laughing so hard. i then got to play piano for a good hour! i can not even describe to you how much freedom i receive when i have a piano and some of my favorite songs that i get to play. singing and playing...THAT is my happy place i have decided. ah it was just so great! then of course, got to hang out with the best friends, and well, the celebration continued in the evening and i ate all the desserts i could ever imagine. for real. i figure, hey, if the sisters are supporting this, and they are telling me to eat more, i'm gonna do it...haha :)

-- i visited the mercy center today (run by the sisters of mercy) in the bronx. i had the awesome opportunity to babysit 3-5 year olds as their parents were in ESL classes. it was so refreshing, as i could not even remember the last time i was around a whole classroom of toddlers these ages. it was so fun!! of course, i flocked to the drum, the maracas, and the keyboard, and i was able to get a whole band together. talked with the sisters, found out more, and of course, the grace comes with it all. :)

-- seeing jess and ryan every day, or whenever i have opportunities to do so, really just add an amazing element to my life. chelsea market has become our nest.

-- i am learning more and more about grace that is in every experience...

-- my mom sent me a stuffed animal that is voice activated. you say i love you and it talks back to you! we all know that i am obsessed with stuffed animals...and she got us pastries and some delicious godiva chocolates. delish!

-- i spent many moments at CCNR this past week visiting sr. speranza and sr. adelina. being surrounded by richness of life, and boldness, and educated women, and joy-filled women, wow. my experiences with the sisters always get better and better, and i could not imagine a more vibrant community. the sarcasm, the jokes, the friendship, and the faith - i can't even describe it, but there are just moments around our dinner table when i would just sit back and think, wow...this is really awesome. never thought i would be here, that's for sure.

-- crystal goes home in less than a month...can't wait to visit san diego, orange county, and santa monica..ah the beauty in that! gotta make sure to bring some sunshine back with me. i'm freakin' freezing all up in this place.

and with that my friends, there we go...i want to be inspired, i want to inspire, i want to be positive and realistic, and help spread joy. everything i did this past weekend was spent with people that i wholeheartedly enjoy being with. with that being said, i shall continue - surround myself with people who build me up rather than desire to take me down, be authentic, be real, and love who i am. i can't be a jesuit, but i'm coming to accept that...gonna continue to explore my vocation and listen to the voice of that which comes from within...

listen to your heart...

sooo when we got to go to philly to attend some workshops and also spread the cabrini mission corps love at cabrini college, we were interviewed by the radio station on the campus, and here it is:

http://pixelpipe.com/item/919f8572-c8da-4059-a56c-110bc0bf97a1

love it! hope you do too. it's a little insight into that which is my life - in my mind, and in my heart. from mine to yours. enjoy!

props to michelle and mary - my sistas. :)

child's pose...

It was a beautiful, joyous day, and my feelings of gratitude, I fear, will not be articulated as beautifully as I will have hoped…but I’ll go for it anyway…

It was difficult to wake up, it was my body catching up from the discernment weekend, it was the fact that it was 5:30am, it was a whole culmination of things. The headache eventually went away and we were immediately greeted in the morning by two of my most notable, impression-leaving seniors. It just set the tone for my day…such a great one! Jokes were said at 7:45/8ish in the morning, and I was on my way for a beautiful, beautiful, grace-filled day.

As my students share more and more of their personal lives with me, I can not help but take the role of “Campus Minister” to a different level – that is simply a title. I am more than that. I am their sister in Christ, and I find myself truly, wholeheartedly, caring about these girls and their young hearts. It is sad for me when I see them heartbroken because of a relationship that ended, or when I hear about their broken families. I find it so natural for me to want to embrace them and help them in discovering and uncovering their beautiful worth and their beloved-ness in God’s eyes. My day was full of catch up with different students – lots of laughter, lots of fun, and lots of wisdom to receive and give.

After, I had spiritual direction, and leaving that brownstone this afternoon gave me such a boost of Jesus. It is these Tuesday afternoons that leave me with such an uplifting sensation of the path on which God is calling me to walk/run/skip…whatever! In praying through these exercises, I reach an ultimately deep state of prayer, but when I am given moments to externally process what actually “happened” and what I “felt” during these prayer times, it is then that the tears come, and it is then that I realize how blessed my prayer life has become, and how much deeper my understanding of God, Jesus, and Mary is becoming. It is no longer simply thinking with my head, as I am so often a victim of over-doing, but rather, it is me now embracing with my heart and with my soul… and so much that I struggle in articulating my experiences in contemplation and meditation.

I then went to yoga, and this was the first time I actually experienced going into my chattarunga, and sure enough, my sweaty forehead brushed against the heel of the tall man in front of me. yup, first encounter in a yoga studio in that manner. I think that describes how packed this studio was! My savasana was hardly that – it was me lying there with my feet touching, as if I were stretching my hips or thighs. But I was ok with that – it was a small sacrifice for the wonderful class that I got to participate in. I had never experienced so many “haaaaaaaaa”s and so many audible breathing noises – I was very proud of myself. It was much needed. There was plenty on my heart, and there was plenty to be thankful for – breathe in, breathe out…all had to be expressed somehow. What place better than on my yoga mat? The yoga instructor was great and he made jokes that I would have made, which I particularly enjoyed very much!

Met up with JD and Michael…drank some mango juice, got recharged with some tea, and got hooked up with our bill paid. Now THAT was awesome! Then we got to see Michael’s apartment, and it was nice to see him…orange county kids must stick together!

A particular moment from today stands out in my mind. I just got off the subway and was on my way back home to Columbus, and I saw a homeless man with a cup and change…clearly, he was shaking it because he was asking for money. So I did as I normally do, and I just walked on by. I heard a man say “God bless you” to him, but he kept walking. That resounded in my ears as I walked down the stairs, and in my mind and heart I realized, I have food in my bag. I normally do not give money away to they who seek the money, but rather, I feel more comfortable giving food. As I walk away, I go through the whole, “ well, maybe I’ll eat that later” or “ I can just keep walking because I’ll be late for dinner!” or the “ah but I’ll feel guilty if I don’t give it to him” – I stop where I am on the stairs after those 20 seconds of back and forth contemplation and indecisive decision-making, I walk back upstairs, get my orange out, and put it on his cup. He looked at me, and said, “oh! Thank you!” I don’t say this to be like, oh, look at this giving heart, but rather, just to describe experiences that are pretty common and moments that can just pass us by without even processing what just happened…

My spiritual director today was talking to me about the dangers of “shoulds” – this was as I was discussing with her the profound goodness of indifference – that which Ignatian spirituality outlines in the Principles of Foundation. Working within the framework of “oh, I should do this for x, y, and z” reasons are very dangerous, and may not necessarily be in line with my true, authentic self. That also passed through my mind as I decided whether or not to walk back up 15 stairs to hand that man an orange, however, I realized in that moment, I want to give him my orange. I most likely would not have eaten it until later, and he needs nutrients and definitely some vitamin c, especially since this is the cold season! So that was that. but to truly encounter a moment like that right after spiritual direction, it made me feel good. I was thankful for the opportunity to feed someone this afternoon.

St. Lorenzo Ruiz…Thank you for your prayers and your presence. You are a blessing to me. Pray for us.

….Namaste.

...He's not done with me yet.

Christ Has No Body - St. Teresa of Avila

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

again, this song/quote by st. teresa of avila has resonated in my mind and every time i read it, i think about my orientation with response ability, but also, i think about the beautiful words that they are.

this weekend, mary, michelle, and i attended a discernment retreat centered around the simple yet so complex question, what are you doing with your life? up in garrison, ny, we gathered with about 32 other volunteers from the new york area and we talked: discernment. all at varying degrees on our journeying of grasping and coming to understand what discernment is and what it means to each one of us, it was a very beautiful weekend. i have to say, it definitely came at a wonderful time for me. it centered me, it brought me back to what i am doing, and to what i am living, it gave me a chance to slow down, to sit back, to pray, to reflect, to meditate, to sit with jesus, to enjoy jesus, to be refilled with true, authentic joy, to love, to re-energize.

this weekend was unlike any of the other retreats i have been on...mostly because we had a large chunk of time to do what we wanted, but that time was meant to be for prayer/reflection/silence and solitude. while other retreats usually also give free time, it is not usually in the context of intended time set aside for discernment. i'm currently reading 'my life with the saints' by james martin, sj, and this book is really quite amazing. it is wonderful to hear the stories of the saints and to see what reflections father jim has to say about a select number of them. all i know is that the jesuits are awesome. i would have really liked to have met st. ignatius of loyola. what a story and what a spirit that man had. such an inspiration.

i am re-ignited with the charge of mission and with the true sense of what that means. so good. new york is quite the city. everyday...my love for spoken word is increasing, my passion for yoga is leaving my body sore, my patience is still being worked on, my flexibility is starting to make itself known...it is just really crazy to think that we are already halfway through this year. this life that i am leading, it is so good, it is so blessed, and i can say that this is where God wants me to be. what a joy that is in and of itself..there's no sense in forcing anything or making myself believe anything, because where i am is where my heart lies, and being able to recognize that and be aware of that, is well, pretty dang amazing to me.

i tend to be someone who freaks out a lot, but by the graces in peace that i feel that i have received, i know that God has already gone before me...be not afraid, i go before you always, come follow me...what a peace that is! i talk to my spiritual director about that pretty much every time we meet (weekly), and the feeling of confidence in that, continually illuminates my experience and my walk with God. what peace and joy that brings to me, to know that, i can do everything through Christ who strengthens me (phil 4:13)...why? because everything that i am fearful to attempt, everything that i want to do, but feel incapable of doing...well, God has already gone before me, and in everything i endure and experience, i truly believe that He is at my side guiding the way, whatever the outcome. esp. for God's greater glory...wow. there is peace there, and there is a genuine goodness in that. obvs.

sometimes i surprise myself and alarm myself from my perspectives, but what it comes down to, is, this is me. this is my authentic self. i don't really relent for anyone because i feel like that compromises my values, and if it does so in a negative way, then that is really not going to help me sleep at night. i was reflecting this weekend on how i really had the ability to just up and quit my career at a well-to-do corporate america job. it came down to me realizing my heart was not in my work. it came down to me realizing there was something deeper stirring in my heart. there was a strong conviction - something that came from deep within...a feeling, and a confidence in trusting that.

i recall the moments i would be sitting with my friend mike, talking to him about how fearful i was for my trip to the philippines in april - i told him...something is waiting for me there, something is going to happen...i'm nervous, but it's good, but i am so scared for what is to happen...and sure enough, little did i know that my trip to the philippines in april would set the stage for my decision to serve with my whole being as a missioner with cabrini mission corps in june.

it is that feeling, and it was those moments of waking up everyday with the sun shining in my face under my orange covers, getting up and praying my cabrini novena and my miraculous medal novena as i was seeking guidance that helped lead me to new york. it was the dreadful feeling of, is there something better out there waiting for me? is there something else that i am being "called" to? yes, so bizarre, that word, "call," but that's truly what it is/was, and truly, it was this feeling that i had in my being...it's a feeling i still have in my heart, and it is so much a part of me, that i can not separate myself from it, even if i tried - but i don't know why i would want to do that!

the journey here, however, does come with sacrifice...leaving my family, home and best friends, losing the young adult community at st. monica's is pretty unfortunate, and being oh so far...but there is still trust. trust in that, i am actually ok out here in terms of community, and me leaving was probably for the best. actually, it is a little "letting go" compared to what i am doing here in new york, and for that, i am grateful for the strength to get on the plane and pack my life into two large suitcases.

there's still more to come, and that, THAT makes me excited for my life, even more. pinch me. is this real? yes, it is. this. is. my. life. my beautiful, blessed, wonderful, life. and for that, i am grateful. let my gratitude seep out of my pores and into your ears. so real.