from laguna niguel to san diego, from san diego to los angeles, los angeles to new york, new york to the philippines, and now currently exploring the east coast in the suburbs of philadelphia, this is my mission. full of grace. [it's all perspective.]
i can't remember the last time i had to write a paper more than two pages double spaced.
my assignment for my "Human Integration for the Religious Life" class is to write a 5-6 page double-spaced paper on how/what I have resonated with, with regards to the class material over the course of the semester. We read articles on Religious Life in the 21st Century, read some Buechner articles, discussed conversion and its challenges, self-appropriation, transcendence, and the list goes on...
my problem is not so much that i don't know what to write about... cause wow - there's A LOT to write about with regards to how i feel i have grown into "getting to know" myself again, after years of traveling and living abroad...but, the difficulty is moreso, how do i synthesize it all together, as i am still trying to make sense of it all?
i think that's what this paper is allowing me to do...to process things, AS i write them out, and to begin naming those experiences - the ones that gave me joy, and the ones that were painful and not joyful. AND the ones that made me laugh, and the ones that still remain so vivid in my mind and heart.
sure enough, i started writing just from one snippet of one moment, and it nearly took up a page. couple things - i most certainly will write a book in my lifetime (this 5-6 pager will probably be 5% of the prologue), and two, i am beginning to see how all of my experiences have truly been road signs to the next step. and so, the journey continues, and i am to remember, that nothing is wasted.
believe it.
here's a song for you: nothing is wasted by jason gray
today i spent some time reflecting on the order of events over the past few months - where i've been, the people i have met, how situations fit together and finally unfolded in bringing me here, to where i am today. still in the process of making sense of it all, it's all part of my life story that i know i could not have creatively crafted on my own.
today is the first sunday of Advent, and what a special, beautiful beginning. it is a period of waiting, hoping, anticipating, celebrating the sacred, and eagerly looking forward to the birth of Jesus! how awesome!
but back up - that word: waiting...is sometimes very difficult to do, and it may be one of the greatest challenges to be learned and overcome during this time of Advent. so many times we want to rush - i know for myself, that's a problem that i sometimes find myself in. we [i] want answers quick - there's no time to fully process things. time is money, folks! the faster, the better. a packet of 3-in-1 coffee (for you filipinos out there) is much more efficient and easier than investing in instant coffee, powdered milk, and sugar, AND the containers that those will need to be placed in. naman!
sure, we are trained patience by society [and sometimes not] - we fall into a line when we are purchasing things, we follow the order in traffic, though some people take extra liberties over others and exercise their sense of entitlement, but, that very concept of waiting...i think we can all learn to be healthier in living that. i know i can certainly speak for myself in that regard!
when i was in chicago last month for my re-entry workshop (blog entry here), someone asked me how long i have been back from my mission in the PI. after she asked me, i answered pretty quickly without even taking a breath, and said, "oh, about 9 months now." so content with my reply, it just slid off my tongue - so naturally so, just stating the fact. it was then that i took a second of reflection in my mind, and said, "wait, actually, let me think..." i held out my left hand, and started counting, "july, august, september, october...-oh shoot! i think i've only been back 4 months from the Philippines? oh shoot, and i just got back from swaziland in early october." ....what? "soooo basically, i've been back 4 months from the PI, and a little over two months back in the US from those travels."
THAT - was a reality check.
it made me realize: crystal, you have only been back four months from living two years overseas, living intense missionary life. why are you in such a hurry to have answers? does everything in your life have to be in their own separate compartments, boxed up and tied up with a perfect, pink bow? slow down...take.some.time. give yourself time. ...of course, with that, means, tuning out the external pressures of the voices surrounding me telling me that i need to have answers now.
but, thinking back, that very answer, 9 months. wow. i think about what that number signifies, and it occurred to me, that essentially, i feel like a re-birth is taking place in me...very much in line with this 1st sunday of Advent, signifying the beginning of a time of waiting and patience.
perhaps i said 9 months because basically that's what's going on - i'm re-learning things, re-connecting with relationships from the past that i left behind, learning how to make new ones as a healthier and more mature young adult, getting familiar with my new role in ministry, feeling out my limbs if you will, and seeing how they do in this new geographic location, the list goes on. and that's exactly what's happening. it's a period of re-birth and growing into the place where i find myself today.
as troubling and as uncomfortable as this place may be, i see it indeed as being brought back to the womb of playing around in gunky acids and growing into a person, until i am able to be released and see light in the form in which it was intended for me. at least, for now. maybe this place isn't so bad after all.
and, this time, is my playtime. while this is definitely the "liminal time" - the undetermined, awkward middle ground of transition, i figure if i can put it into a different perspective, then i will do just that! this is my playtime. it is a chance to discover, re-discover, and uncover the things that i enjoy doing, and i get to re-learn and possibly get a chance to undo some of the learnings that i have been trained to believe in. i can be me.
on this first Sunday of Advent, in this time of waiting and discovering my re-birth, what a great parallel it is to the birth of Jesus, in the waiting that i am called to experience in the midst of His coming. i am a firm believer that things are always easier when done with another, so I am very much looking forward to learning to breathe new life in a new way, with baby Jesus accompanying me.
all in all, i have learned, no time is wasted. everything has brought me to be right where i should be. and how do i feel about that? i am beyond grateful. life: onward and upward!
this blog update is somewhat a big one, considering i have been putting it off for about four months now. as much as i have wanted to write and share some of my experiences in the past few months, i have also found it to be quite exhausting and emotionally draining when i even think about getting started. sound dramatic? well, it's life. :)
"what are you doing now crystal?" "where are you in the world?" "is it weird being back in the US again?"
so this is my attempt, my first step, if you will, to "get back into the game" and continue sharing some of my musings, epiphanies, realizations on this journey of life that i have been gifted with.
i recently got back from a "re-entry workshop" put on by From Mission to Mission, which is an organization that puts on workshops for returned volunteers and missioners who are now experiencing transition and re-entry back into the United States, their [our] homeland after serving overseas (workshops are also available for domestic volunteers!). in my case, i spent my workshop with ten other volunteers/missioners who served in zambia, bolivia, paraguay, india, guyana, just to name a few, and of course, i threw some asia flavor in there, having served in the philippines. more about that later, but basically, after a very powerful 3-day workshop out in chicago, i am learning, and have learned, my story must live on [no matter and wherever i go], and this blog may just be the very vessel in which it can be best expressed.
so here we go...!!!
[on transition]
upon leaving the US to venture off to mission in the Philippines, i participated in a program called MISO - Maryknoll International Service Orientation held in New York, where i attended different workshops with other volunteer/missioner programs who were preparing to send out volunteers/missioners for overseas mission. after leaving these fruitful workshops, i was so grateful for that opportunity to be "fully equipped" (as much as possible) with resources, good words of advice for the unfortunate times that i could expect, and with rich wisdom shared by the different presenters. during this orientation we also attended workshops on what some of the issues, conflicts, or challenges that overseas missioners/volunteers may experience, including how to or how not to handle romantic relationships abroad, how to stay physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, and also, what it could be like upon re-entry back into the US. here's one of the blog entries from that time: Sept. 2010
little did i know that "culture shock" upon re-entry back into the US would absolutely be that: SHOCK.
in other words, still four months later (after leaving the philippines, 2 months back in the US), i am finally getting used to using a microwave again, finally getting the hang of driving once again (still fearing that people will pop out of nowhere and decide to cross right in front of the car), teaching myself how to use the different social media tools out there (there are so many!), trying not to feel guilty about making more than 5 copies of one-sided handouts, and the list goes on.
and those are just some of the examples of external situations that i am trying to get used to.
on a deeper level...a lot can happen in two years. dang, a lot can happen in a month - in a week. life doesn't stop, and people change. relationships change. i come back to the US, and i am not the same crystal. my friends are not carbon copies of who they were when i last left them. it takes time to get used to relationships again. i come back to the US and some of my friends are married, my facebook is flooded with pictures of marriages and couples with their 2nd and 3rd child. what? so beautiful! ...but something to get used to. filling out applications, asking for my "home address," that question resounds in my head. "home.." "home.." where is home? after living abroad for two years and experiencing an incredibly different life over on an island in the pacific, everything seems to have shaken up the cells inside of me.
after leaving the philippines in july, i was home for a week, went to fatima, portugal for a week, went home again for a week, then left for two months to swaziland. i then came back for a day, packed all my clothes, and made a move out east that next morning. operating on auto-pilot, i basically re-packed all of my clothes from the philippines (since those were the clothes i was used to), stuffed 'em in two suitcases, with room to spare, and trekked over to the east coast.
the problem? the weather on the east coast is NOT the tropical weather i have grown accustomed to in the philippines. what i realized is that what i thought was "normal" daily clothing in the philippines, which was basically a clean t-shirt and jeans, does not necessarily suffice as typically appropriate attire for mass or an office job in the US. dang. that was a moment when i realized my mind was not fully here yet.
as i could still hear julie from "From Mission to Mission share from past experience, "my spirit has not caught up with me yet."
this place of "liminality" if you will, is quite uncomfortable. it's like trying to fit into some new skin, in a new society and goin' with it, while also trying to be intentionally aware of these changes that i am experiencing in and all around me. it's getting used to change on the surface level, but definitely experiencing transition on the internal level. all at the same time. my opinions have changed, my frame of reference has changed, my way of seeing the world and understanding the global community has changed. and i would like to think, for the better.
sure, i've served abroad every summer for 5 years in the philippines, but after living there...it's a whole 'nother conversation.
i am now learning how to integrate what i have experienced and lived in the philippines, into where i am now in the USA. my homeland which used to be so familiar, is not so much easy of a space to live in anymore. the west coast is very different from the east coast. sure, the privileges are quite the same, but still, it's different. i still recall many of the good times and the not-so-good times in my wonderland of the philippines, and now here i am, back in this country that used to be so familiar, the land that many immigrants try to make their way to, and i find myself discovering and exploring this newfoundland of the US. all the while, granting myself grace, patience, and gentleness during this time of transition, but dang. let me tell you. it. is. difficult.
the grace? my life on mission in the philippines gave me a renewed heart which has permeated every part of me and i have a whole community on the other side of the world that i am now in solidarity with.
despite the difficulties in transition, the "re-entry" part i understand, IS part of my mission in life. this mission was never simply something that only i would experience for an x amount of time, but rather, i believe it is my responsibilitiy to carry on the gifts and graces from the philippines and to share them with those i am now surrounded by.
I think "freedom" -- at least the way we usually think of it -- is an illusion. As far as I can tell, absolute freedom doesn't exist. I think we all have some measure of freedom, but in the end we have to choose who or what will be our master. For some people it's their Lexus or their big house or their love of gourmet food or their music. For some people it's their career. For some people it's their family. It's a question of what you want to give your life to, or for.
- Michael P. Enright,, from Diary of a Barrio Priest (taken from A Maryknoll Book of Inspiration by Michael Leach and Doris Goodnough)
Freedom From Fear
Complete freedom from fear is one of those things we owe wholly to Our Lord. To be afraid is to do him a double injury. First, it is to forget him, to forget that he is with us, that he loves us and is himself almighty, and second it is to fail to bend to his will. If we shape our will to his, as everything that happens is either willed or allowed by him, we shall find joy in whatever happens, and shall never be disturbed or afraid.
So then we should have the faith that banishes all fear. Beside us, face to face with us, within us, we have Our Lord Jesus, our God whose love for us is infinite, who is himself almighty, who has told us to seek for the kingdom of God and that everything else will be given us. In that blessed and omnipotent company, we just go straight along the path of the greatest perfection, certain that nothing will happen to us that we cannot use as a source of the greatest good for his glory and the sanctification of ourselves and others, and that everything that happens is either willed or permitted by him, and therefore, far from lying under the shadow of fear, we have only to say, "Whatever happens -- God be praised!" praying that he will arrange everything not in accordance with our ideas but for his greater glory. We should never forget the two axioms: "Jesus is with me" and "Whatever happens, happens by the will of God."
- Charles de Foucauld, from Charles de Foucauld: Essential Writings, edited by Robert Ellsberg (taken from A Maryknoll Book of Inspiration by Michael Leach and Doris Goodnough)
today, i went to one of my favorite spots in baguio city to take some time away and to dive more deeply into a book i am currently reading on poverty, celibacy, and obedience. coincidentally enough, i realized today that i was back to the place where i FIRST started reading this book, which was about a year and a half ago, as suggested by sr. cathy, a maryknoll sister, when i approached her upon arrival to the PI. of course, during one of my transition identity crises when i first got here. [ me: "ate cathy - i just, don't know...is there a book that you can recommend me to read?" ...and she hands me one ] clearly, in this past year and a half, this book somehow got put in the bunch of books that i desire to read. but now, i am steadfast in my attempt to finish it!
"O'Murchu claims that the vows are first and foremost about values and not about laws. And in this provocative work he suggests that the Eastern concept of non-violence is a core value of the vowed life in all the monastic traditions known to humankind."
in this book, i came across this passage from joan chittister, and i was moved:
To say that we can possibly minister to the poor and never read a single article on the natinoal debt; to think that we can be moral parts of a global community and never study a thing about the Third World debt; to imagine that we can save the planet and never learn a thing about ecology; to infer that we work to promote the women's issue but never go to a women's conference, read a feminist theologian or spend a minute tracing the history of ideas about women; to say we care about the homeless dying and never say a thing about the evil of homelessness or the lack of medical care for the indigent, smacks of pallid conviction at best. Simply to do things is not enough anymore. Professional education that fits us for particular skills but neglects to prepare a person for dealing with the great questions of human life is not enough anymore. The world needs thinkers who take thinking as a spiritual discipline. Anything else may well be denial practiced in the name of religion. ( Joan Chittister)
and with that, i do desire to learn more and to be effective in my journey as a leader and follower in the various communities i am placed in. in this world, there is so much to learn and i am blessed to have a heart that is ready to be stretched!
and still, a year and a half later on mission in the
philippines, emotion continues to run high - most times, usually more than one,
which makes it sometimes difficult for the libra in me who desires balance at
all times
.it's been a stressful week with lots of activity going on in
the ministry - lots of planning, lots of preparation, just lots of things to
do, lots of running around, lots of follow-up with people who i'm pretty sure
look at their received text messages and don't respond, and well, that only
adds to the frustration when trying to get things done within a time crunch.
but needless to say, i learn to deal with it. with more activity going on with
the baguio festivities that completed this past week, i can honestly say i
don't want anything to do with large crowds of people or chaotic noise around
me for a LONG time. seriously! yesterday and today, i dragged myself out of bed
at 11am. that NEVER happens. but, my body totally needed it, for sure.
exhaustion - i think that's the word.
HALT - hungry? angry? lonely? tired? um, probably all
of the above, except for the hungry part, because i am trying to be more
healthy about my unhealthy eating habits that i have developed here on the
MSG-induced island of the philippines. :) i've noticed i have been angry a lot
- but not so much angry, more like frustrated with false hopes that i have come
to realize. just when things SEEM to be getting better and we seem to be making
some progress, perhaps it is NOT quite there yet. and i definitely got to the
point where i started going off in verbal vomit to one of my close friends
because of this frustration. then, after five minutes, i sat on the sidewalk
and continued to eat my siomai that i had with me. in silence. i needed time.
then of course, 2 minutes later, my two cousins walk by, and they just had good
timing. thank you Jesus! :) haha, i definitely got the lungs of my Reyes family
roots where i can do that, but after i say what i gotta say, then i'm good to
go. pretty sure those around me have come to understand me in that sense. thank
God for loving people surrounding me! :)
lonely. not so much lonely, but the reality that i am not
going to be here forever in the philippines is starting to catch up to me and
my reflection on missionary life and its transient nature continues (i think it
will always serve me with contemplative thought). more times in the past two
weeks have people been asking me when i am going to leave, because they say
they need to emotionally prepare for this. which gets ME thinking, crap, ME
TOO! i need to prepare myself...but until then, lots more to do, and before i
know it, i'm going to have to leave the philippines. what? is this real life?
i am reminded: "a missioner goes where he/she is needed
but not wanted, and stays until he/she is wanted, but not needed" - pretty
much one of my favorite quotes from the maryknoll family...
and then, onto the next step in life. :)
tired. for sure. totally tired - i get up at 6am, try to
wake up my body with some yoga in the am, get ready for work, out of the door
at 7:30, work at 8 which usually involves doing some organizing and planning
and corresponding, then usually running errands mid-day, then on my way home
around 5ish, then mass sometimes, then dinner, then prayer and then crystal
catch-up-with-my-life time around 8:30pmish. and then repeat. of course,
everyday is different but it usually involves some sort of being tired. it's
just always constantly having to be aware and alert of surroundings at all
times too. that gets exhausting! and getting around! and dodging cars and
making sure you don't get run over. yeah, gotta watch out for that one.
anyway, on my super frustrated day that i had, i received
this quote in my inbox:
Today, notice if you have a "chip on your
shoulder," confronting and intimidating others to get your way. Can you
tone down the aggressiveness and still find a way to be effective?
clearly, the unhealthy "8" in me was winning. and i was thinking
to myself, "Crystal. Stop being so combative." haha, that happens
from time to time when i get really riled up. i had to change my mindset,
immediately! the frustration with the situation around me was affecting me, and
i had to stop myself immediately. can NOT let negative energy permeate within
me. it's just not healthy, and it is not what i need, nor do i function well in
those situations, clearly! i'm starting to think i am the epitome of an 8, but
i LOVE when i healthily venture to the direction of the 2. :)
we had adoration that night, which is what i totally needed,
and i was thankful for that. two things specifically stuck out to me:
one: That body of
goodness [life of Jesus] clashes with the evil and sin of the world. This
causes pain, and suffering, scorn and injustice. All this Jesus accepted
without trying to dodge it when he discovered it to be entailed in his mission.
WOW.
then, during prayer, we chose different scrolls that were in front of the Blessed
Sacrament, and just picked one which contained "a message" for us. i
chose the yellow (of course!) scroll, and in it, was this verse from Hebrews
10:23-24. It read, Let us hold unwaveringly to our confession that gives us
hope, for he who made the promise is trustworthy. We must consider how to rouse
one another to love and good works.
As soon as I read this scripture, I thought to myself, Jesus knew that
he would experience pain, and suffering, and scorn and injustice, but still,
he persevered in his mission because he trusted God in it, and what was Jesus
doing, as he continued on the road to Calvary? STILL, Jesus was comforting the
women, STILL, he was loving others. This was a message for me to persevere, to
continue, and while there would be these difficulties in mission, I am not to
dodge it or act out in anger and frustration, but rather, to continue my
mission to rouse one another to love and good works, while trying the
best i can, to do so myself.
sure, emotion is sometimes difficult to work through, and there are sometimes
five different things that are on my mind at one time, and yeah that is
exhausting in itself too, but, the peace comes, and i know i can look forward
to the moments when i realize it has been there all along.
this was especially a good
reminder for me that i received two days ago:
Grief work is very
helpful for Eights. You are not the kind of person to sit around feeling sorry
for yourself for long, but if you are suffering, it is important to find
meaningful ways of grieving your losses and hurts.
i think i'm in the midst
of finding those ways, and it is all part of a blessed process.
and to close, i leave you
with Hebrews 6:10, For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the
love you have demonstrated for his name by having served and continuing to
serve the holy ones.
the other night, i was asked the question, "do you feel like you are needed there?" i quickly recalled one of my most favorite quotes, upon discovery:
"a missioner goes where he [she] is needed but not wanted, and leaves when he [she] is wanted but not needed." - bishop james e. walsh
it took me a couple of hesitant breaths to respond, and then i said, "no, i actually don't." i think that was a really tough reality for me.
over the past couple of days, i spent some time in reflection about WHY that was...crystal, do you really feel like you are not needed there? each morning, i spent lots of time in the pews of the cathedral questioning, and asking God, "really? why am i here? please help me get through this day." but to be honest, i think the grace in all this, is that, there has never been one moment where i really felt like i was NOT supposed to be here - as in, there has never been a moment where i really doubted the call that i received to be missioned here.
i think, if anything, i'm just trying to figure it out. now.
i came to the conclusion that i KNOW that i am needed here, but not in the sense that i am here to accomplish a specific task and/or pat myself on my back at the end of the day for being a "savior" to baguio city, cause we all know that that is not the case, at all. if anything though, i feel so strongly that God has placed me here, and i KNOW that God has brought me here and Mother Cabrini is keeping me here for now, for a reason. there's something there. something here. so while i do not necessarily FEEL like i am needed here, i have recently received a huge wave of "just be patient..." and a lot of hope, and i feel a revolution coming...of the heart, if you will.
the other day, i busted out my cabrini mission corps binder, filled with amazing articles, SUCH helpful spiritual resources - basically it's like the Bible of CMC. i felt like i needed some "umph" to get me going once again, and to not start crawling on the floor in despair (yeah, super dramatic. i was very far from that actually happening, but you get my drift.), and i recalled all of the trials that Mother Cabrini went through - read some of her words...like, ALL of the trials, and then i reflected on how jesus was shunned, misunderstood, and endured all of his struggles. and then the other evening at mass, the homily was about how the "christian life is not a path of roses," but instead, we can think of it as a "bed of roses." i thought about that, and i felt re-energized.
while mission can be discouraging because of the transitions going on internally, the struggling with the new environment - the culture, the people, the way of life, and the enormity and severity of some of the injustices i see around me, mission at the same time is so empowering and hopeful. like, i can not even explain to you how blessed i feel, to be a part of it. like, wholeheartedly, with my whole self. can i really trust that God has provided me all and even more than what i need for this present moment? well, well, well, isn't THAT the challenge. in some ways, yeah, that's REALLY difficult. BUT, i have come to realize that THAT is truth - even in times when doubt may try to win me over.
i feel like i am right where i should be, and no, i may not feel like i am needed...quite YET, but with the wisdom of some of the most inspiring sisters that have become my family here, i am reminded, "no, not yet." YET. and that's a big YET. and that's a big hope right there. and in that, i think it was also just really affirming to feel understood. it is funny how all i have to say is, "oh, sister..." and they already know. really, sisters are helpful, wonderful, grace-filled people. haha :)
Mother Cabrini is among us here in baguio city, and i am certain that while i observe the changes that i feel need to happen externally in my surroundings, i am so certain that there is an even stronger revitalization and revolution going on in my heart. while it is sometimes super uncomfortable, those sometimes are worth it, if it means making me a better person in carrying out the mission i have been called to.
ok, so, let's do this. together. :)
give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so i can see, everything that i've been missing...
Sooo, after a series of breakdowns – enough was enough. I needed to get out, walk around, and get outside (put away any fears I have, be open, seek out the culture, but still be cautious about where I go, where I walk, who I make eye contact with…that type of stuff). I have found that everywhere I walk, every time I walk, I am praying. I have heard the expression, “pray with your feet,” multiple times, but this time, it is taking on a new meaning for me. Now, my prayers as I walk, are about safety as I travel – as I get on a jeepney, as I get into a taxi, as I walk across the road…safety. I’ve never been so cautious before – I think just because everywhere I walk, I feel eyes staring at me…clearly, I dress differently, and I just look different – definitely not from around this area, and so, caution, always praying and walking with caution.
I went to SM today and walked. Walked, walked, went into probably every store that seemed of remote interest to me – even if it didn’t, it was nice to see what was being sold, and how prices compare to the US. Such difference, well, especially with the exchange rate of about 46/47 pesos to the dollar. Everything is just weighed so differently…EVEN sizes. For example…
I bought a pair of sandals, just for everyday use, and clearly my feet are huge in comparison to others here. Heck, even in comparison to the average feet size over in the US! So what did I have to do? Yup. I had to go for the men’s sizes. It’s ok, I’m secure with that – I’ve dealt with this before. Luckily they were just random rubber slippers that can be easily made unisex. The women at the store helping me to search for my size were definitely laughing at/with me! It was just another internal laughing moment for me, where I realized, girl. you’re like huge compared to your filipino peeps!
When I went to SM Baguio, I saw a Caucasian-looking guy, so naturally I had to ask where he was from. He said he was from Scotland. He then asked me, where are you from? I said Cailfornia, and he responded by saying…I figured you’re from the States. You’re the 2nd person to ask me that today! Haha, oh well, it was just a funny moment.
And I will admit this…later in my exploration of SM, I went to…Starbucks. I know, I know. Crystal, I’m really glad you went to Baguio City on mission, so that you could go to Starbucks. Haha, but you know what? Starbucks is different from the Starbucks in the US, that’s for sure. The snacks are more ethnic, if you will, and I noticed that it was a hub for foreigners. Haha, lots of Korean talk, Caucasian people situated at tables with other Filipinos, and then there was me. I sat down, and saw two people talking about YouTube videos. They looked friendly, and never before doing this, but clearly I was craving conversation, I just said, “hey, do you guys know of any gyms around here?” and no, it was not a pick up line, but they looked kinda like fit people – figured I should ask!
Turns out, one of the guys was a nursing student from Vancouver. He’s Filipino-Canadian, in the sense that he was born in the Philippines, moved to Canada when he was 10, and is back in the PI for nursing school – he was in his first year. He told me he’s been here 6 months, and he’s still not used to the way of living over here. He’s like, on a more personal note, I know I don’t know you, but I had to go to therapy out here! I was like, oh no, why? He’s like, cause I got pick-pocketed, and so right after, I went home, called my mom and told her I wanted to move home. He’s like, so just be careful. And so, I continued my, definitely be cautious everywhere you go! Consider myself warned! This goes for life anywhere, but especially in new lands I’m not 100% used to, yet! But even then, cuidado siempre.
It’s always nice to hear from family and friends back at home, and I try to spend some mornings catching up on that stuff, especially since I am up at like 6am…speaking of!!
So, my favorite breakfast ever is taho, which is soybean “flaps” hahaha and sweet sauce like brown sugar status, and sago (which are like boba balls). I know, it does not sound delicious, but it is my absolute favorite. Everytime I come to the Philippines, whenever I would wake up and go downstairs for breakfast, my aunt or my grandparents would always have a mug full of it ready on the table, waiting for me. WELL, I have been waiting every morning to hear the man outside, walk by, and say…TAHOOOOOOOO. (accent on the o, if you’re trying to pronounce it!), and well, he has not been coming!
So this morning, one of the young women here saw that I was clearly disappointed YET again, that my taho man did not walk by. I was like, it’s already 7am! Where is he? And so 10 minutes later, she runs in, and she’s like, Crystal! Come outside! And what happens? The man with his taho is waiting at our gate, and says, “good morning!” and I was like, SO excited!! I grabbed a mug, and he filled it. usually they provide the taho in their plastic cups, but because I like a lot (the American part of my identity – yes, I said it), I pay extra to get the full servings in a mug. Hahaha. I then told him to come tomorrow around 6:30am and I’ll get some again. Seriously, I think starting my day off with this just makes things 10 times better. 10 times.
So that, my friends, that is LOVE right there from one of my community members. I was like, girl! how did you find him? I didn’t hear him! She’s like, I ran across the way, to find him. “na awa ko sa’yo kasi.” In english, that means, “because I felt bad for you.” She’s like, you have always been waiting for him, and you haven’t gotten it yet! so nice. SO nice. It’s the little things, that are big things. Wonderful.
As for me, St. Anthony has become a really cool saint in my life here, and I am finding that I am calling on all the saints a lot more now. Haha, St. Jude at times, not gonna lie. St. Anthony has been pulling through – not just in finding material things, but also in recovering parts of me that seem to be running dry or lacking its full. I think it’s also helping that I’m feeling the prayers and feeling the love of family and friends from the US – just waiting for the grace to feel that here in Baguio City, as I continue my adjustment in transition.
Mission is just so interesting – I don’t even know what word I can insert for “interesting.” There are the whole openness and willingness factors to get on the plane and move to a foreign land to be, to serve, and to minister, and that’s tough enough, and then there’s the whole adjustment period of every emotion possible stirring in you (me) at once. Did not think that was even possible – but I am reminded that when being in a new place – a place especially in an international setting, I am ten times more vulnerable, and at the same time, more susceptible to magnifying moments or feelings that I have and are experiencing, just because of my internal transition to the sights, the smells, the things I come into contact with everyday. Everything is magnified times 30 and just as at least 3 people have already told me in the past 24 hours…be patient with yourself, be gentle with yourself, that is what I am striving to do.
Before I left, Sr. Archangel reminded me, be yourself. All you can do is do your best – what more can you give?
And with that, my friends, I know God is with me on this mission. Mother C has my back, no doubt. I continue to reflect on how girlfriend went from place to place, leaving some of her Sisters behind, as she went off to a new place, only to be rejected, and not always greeted with the warmest of hearts, but she did her thing, and she had total trust – Philippians 4:13, without fail, and without condition.
I am feeling solidarity with Jesus, Mother C, and my fellow missioners around the world, and one of my friends told me in her email the other day (from a homily she heard this past Sunday), “God is on the mountain. You’re making a difficult climb, but it will be so rewarding when you get to the summit.”
I’m never alone on my mission. Good thing – cause, I would not make it. Welcome to the beginning stages of my life here. Thanks for reading!
