this really is so surreal. like, legitimately so. it used to be an easy crutch, to just say, oh, this is so surreal. really, there have been about 358 different emotions in my mind, heart and soul in the past couple of months with regards to this change in my life, but to be able to verbalize and have another person fully understand the weight of all of the elements here, is quite the long shot. so, i guess, it has been surreal, it has been a lot, i'm really doing this, and here i am.
i guess it really hit me when i noticed everything that i thought i absolutely needed, was not fitting in my designated suitcases. by a long shot. i don't even think i know how to dress as a campus minister/teacher. all i own are suits from banana republic and dressy shirts for the corporate world, all with the hopes that looking somewhat professional and more than 18 years old, would help me sell some coupons to an interested bunion protector vendor. project fail. how am i supposed to be in solidarity with those i will be serving? i will have to make it work - come as i am. :)
i spent my morning at mass, busted out some adoration, and prayed for some peace in my heart through this transition. my mom and i haven't really spoken about it much, other than going through the motions of trying to make all of my boxes fit in our closets here for storage. inside, i think she's falling over. she asked me last night, what are you gonna do next year? i immediately said, mom, i have no idea. God only knows. this isn't a vacation from life and this isn't a break. if anything, i feel as though i will be actively discerning, being present, and seeing perhaps for the first time, what it feels like to really walk the walk, and talk the talk...only through God-given simplicity and the fullness of grace.
i slept for 3 hours again today as a little nap. i'm starting to see a trend here...probably because i can only take so much of packing and sifting through the mere essentials for survival. no, living life. i really did go through my suitcases one last time today and found that i packed 7 shirts, 7 work shirts, 3 pants, a couple of skirts, 3 pairs of jeans, and some jackets. how the heck does everything compact itself...i don't know, but it looks like it is working. the party clothes have to stay in laguna niguel, and just perhaps they may get shipped. after christmas. who knows...
so there we have it kids. 3 days, and this ain't a joke. mr. brown eyes is also packed, and i'm debating whether or not i should bring mr. panda for companionship. i'm weaving towards yes, but that means i'm going to have to sacrifice a couple of shirts to make some room. hmm...YUP.
i send you out, on a mission of love, i send you out, on a mission of love...and know that i am with you always, until the end of the world...-john angotti
i try to be so tough
but i'm just not strong enough
i can't do this alone, God i need You to hold on to me
i try to be good enough
but i'm nothing without your love
- josh wilson
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